For reacting to people who treat me poorly..assaulted at the doctors surgery

[Namechangey23]

I suspect the answer is yes IABU and normal people don't do this! Please help me understand why I am like this and what I can do to fix it.

This is a typical example of a situation I have got myself into by reacting and allowing myself to be provoked. I was taking my DS (1 yr) for vaccinations and parked neatly in one of many available spaces at my local surgery. Just as I was trying to get him out of his car seat with the door open, I see out of the corner of my eye this guy in his 70s or beyond starts reversing into the space I am standing in with the door open. Note that there are various other spaces even side by side which he could have gone into but no, he chose the one I was standing in with DS half out of his car seat. I waved and shouted and he stopped....then he carried on again so I screamed and shouted at him preparing to smack the back end of his car as I thought he somehow still hasn't seen me and there wasn't room for me to stand out the way. Finally he then moves off, parks opposite and walks off inside without a word.

This is where I then made a poor decision. I had to stand next to him whilst logging into their system. I was so angry and shocked at what just happened that I decided he wasn't going to get away with it, so I said to him.. you do realise you just almost ran us over...I was expecting he might apologise. This then started off an argument in front of the whole waiting room. I asked him why he chose to park in the only space I was standing in when there were 6 other spaces available and he just said 'it was a space wasn't it' and he said 'you shouldn't have such a big car" I said I can have what car I like (honestly it's not big just a very basic standard budget SUV, not some enormous tank!) And I was parked responsibly in the space, it is customary to need the door open when getting a child out and unfortunately they don't have child spaces with more room and I didn't want to park in the disabled spacs as that's not for me! I'm afraid he pissed me off even more with his comment about my car so I said something I wasn't proud of along the lines of "should have gone to Specsavers because I'm not sure how you didn't see me? " Anyway of course it escalated, the receptionist tried to intervene to calm us down, and then he pushed all three of us, her most as she was inbetween him and me still holding DS. I feel totally devastated because she ended up bearing the brunt of what was obviously meant for me. Also mortified this was in front of everybody, although they were very kind. But also because I should have left it well alone as I had my son in my arms, why oh why didn't I keep my mouth firmly shut?! A miss (even a near miss!) Is as good as a mile as they say. What is wrong with me, why do I put myself and others at risk just to be right? It's like the sense of injustice takes over and fight wins over flight even when it makes common sense not to poke the hornets nest.

It's happened before. I asked someone outside my house which fronts onto a footpath to pick up their dog mess and got verbally abused and I think there are other incidents I can't remember now. Incidently I always end up a shaking blubbing emotional wreck after such incidents so why do I do it??! In my head I think I'm sticking up for myself. But it usually ends up worse for me and I feel like in taking these risks, one day I could end up with myself in serious trouble or dead doing it. How can I stop myself in future when it's almost reflexive! I know I need to control myself. Incidently my husband is the complete opposite extreme and a pacifist. He avoids conflict like the plague and never gets himself in any situations like this as a result. If there is a problem with a bill or contractor I have to deal with it. Is there a middle ground?!
Incidently my DS got his vaccines (all 4!) but it wasn't at all the calm experience I was hoping for...

No, I'm perfectly serious.

Yes, the pushing happened at the end but he also pushed a receptionist who was trying to calm things down. So you're saying it's okay that a verbal argument justifies violence against two women, one of whom had nothing to do with the argument?

Yes the OP played a part but he instigated this and ended it with assault.

@Ohlookwhoitis This.

Why is everyone so keen to minimise and justify the OP’s part in this situation?

Because she is a woman and was obviously just being a "mama bear" 🙄🤷‍♀️

And the other person happened to be male and elderly and we all knkw what some people on MN think of old and male people 🙄

I've pushed away someone screeching in my face too. It's nit an unnatural reaction.

Unfortunately working in healthcare we see a lot of people like the OP. They generally tend to end up labelled a violent patient and are only treated when accompanied by a police officer or security guard.

As I already explained, that was the last occurrence in a long sequence of events.

I was quite clearly referring the events at the beginning of the sequence.

@Vivi0 these are both your comments. You're all over the place.

What part of this actually applies to the OP’s situation? The man wasn’t rude or aggressive to her

I didn’t see that comment and I am certainly not justifying the man pushing the OP. He was aggressive

So you're saying it's okay that a verbal argument justifies violence against two women, one of whom had nothing to do with the argument?

No. Where did I say this?

You are not going to stop trying to put words into my mouth, are you? Why is that?

Listen carefully…violence is not okay. Verbally abusing people is not okay. Approaching people in an aggressive and confrontational manner is not okay.

Yes the OP played a part but he instigated this

How? How did the person standing minding their own business in the waiting room instigate anything?

The first comment relates to the beginning of the sequence of events.

The second comment relates to the end of the sequence of events.

You are quoting me out of context. I am speaking to different posters about different occurrences and timings.

The man did nothing to merit the OP acting so aggressive to him initially. He acted aggressively at the end of the incident. Is that simple enough to understand?

Why are you trying to go for a big “Gotcha” moment 🤣

Is trying to “catch me out” the best response you have to me saying that the OP was aggressive? Because she was!

@ginasevern yes you are quite right injustice would be a more accurate description.

Why are you resorting to insults? Ironic that you're accusing the OP of being aggressive. Your most recent reply to me is full of aggression. Could you not have written your reply without the aggression?

Don't patronise me. You listen carefully as you've contradicted yourself. I'm not putting words in your mouth. The OP and the receptionist were pushed. Yes things got heated and sounds like faults on both sides but no need for assault. I was asking you the question, hence the question mark at the end.

I'm not talking about the person minding their own business. I'm talking about the two people the man assaulted.

I'm exactly like you OP. I've gotten in some situations that haunt me to this day. But why should you be silent. I know how you are feeling right now. Put a nice film on and get some chocolate and take deep breaths. They aren't worth you upsetting yourself.

Can you point out the insult please?

I’m a little envious if I’m honest because I’m far too much of a mouse and a doormat, and problematically conflict avoidant.

But then, as I was thinking about why that might be, I remembered being a small child with my df, who could also talk himself into violent confrontations. And I can still feel small ripples of that visceral terror of being a helpless child watching from the sidelines. So I think my Mama Bear protective instincts tend towards flight and fawn rather than fight.

It’s a funny thing when adrenaline kicks in. And it’s not something that’s easily predicted in advance.

But sometimes it’s not the situation itself we react to, but our own self-talk that fans the flame. Psychologists have a concept called attribution error about how we think about our own and others mistakes. We tend to view our own mistakes with nuance and understanding but assume other people do things for simplistic reasons - because of character flaws, for instance.

So it’s easy to see him walking away, as arrogance/ indifference. But it could also have been embarrassment. He could have been shocked at the near miss. He could have been afraid of your reaction.

I don’t think I’m qualified to advise you on the right amount of confrontation because my perception is skewed. But I do know it’s damaging for children to witness their parents brawling. And it’s obvious you want to modify your reaction. So my suggestion is to practice looking for the softest explanation when something goes wrong.

Don't be daft he assaulted a receptionist not the OP

Sure

Is that simple enough to understand?

That is an insult. What are you implying by that comment? I have not misunderstood anything that you've said, I'm an educated woman. By me merely disagreeing with some of your posts, you resort to this comment?

@Namechangey23 I'd bet that as a child you were bullied and pushed around...and that's why as an adult you explode.

I used to be like that, too...
Took abuse as a child, and as a young adult, if someone triggered me, I'd go completely ballistic.

I too felt terrible guilt afterwards.

Once, in M&S, a woman of indeterminate age with matted hair punched me twice in the ribs in the food queue.

I said ''do that again and I will retaliate''

She did it again, and I slapped her face , not hard but it made a classic slapping sound.

Security guards just looked on.

After years of taking abuse, I'd had enough.

I too have confronted idle dog owners for letting their dog shit outside our house.

Have a dog? Clean up it's mess!

A mother at the primary school took my car door off as my child was climbing out. Her husband a solicitor threatened my insurance broker when I tried to claim. Three weeks later she wrote off another mothers parked car.

Today a water board van at the hospital parked in a disabled space blocking the drivers doors of the cars either side of him. Husband told him off. He ran across the road shouting back at husband. Oddly I saw him in the clinic and he glared at me. He was certainly in the wrong. Some people just don't care

This. Its called the moral highground. If the person genuinely is making a mistake, then you will have dealt with it appropriately and if they really are an arsehole, you will know yourself to be better than they are and so will the bystanders.

I absolutely lost my shit with a man on the underground a few years. Ds2 is profoundly deaf and autistic... We were waiting to leave Stratford Station. As its the first station on the line you sometimes have to wait some while before you leave. Ds2 was being a bit noisy as he was excited as we were going to the theatre.
A man got on sat opposite us and decided to kick ds lightly on the ankle and told him to shhh.
I shouted at the man and said how dared he kick my son that my son was deaf and if the man had a problem with that then to speak to me not to bloody kick my son.
Ds then started to make his stressed noise which is akin to an air raid siren.
The man then said "issss alright.." He was drunk. I said it wasn't alright and that he had made my son cry and spoilt our trip to London. The whole carriage was silent and I didn't hear another peep from the man until he got off!
I've never been as angry before or since!!

You do sound very confrontational. I generally give people who behave like this a wide berth.

It’s absolutely nothing to do with you disagreeing with some of my posts. Which you’ve not even done, by the way, you’ve just repeatedly interogated me.

So what I am implying by my comment is - can you please stop?

Funny though, that you are asking me why I’m resorting to insults when your first response to me was:

Have you not even read the opening OP?

🤣

What? It's interesting how some of the posters defending the aggressive violent man are very aggressive posters who have to resort to absolute lies as well.

I think you both might end up banned from the surgery if it keeps happening. There is no justification for his aggression, or for you pushing and throwing insults until you got an escalation. It sounds like you were ready to create drama from the start (readying yourself to scream and smack his car when in the end he drove off).

Oh great, another interrogation.

What is it now?

What part is lies?

I'm quite like you OP - I speak up if I feel there is an injustice to me or my family and will give as good as I get, if I get answered back. I probably wouldn't have carried it onto the GP surgery but I do get where you're coming from.

I’m just the same.