For reacting to people who treat me poorly..assaulted at the doctors surgery

[Namechangey23]

I suspect the answer is yes IABU and normal people don't do this! Please help me understand why I am like this and what I can do to fix it.

This is a typical example of a situation I have got myself into by reacting and allowing myself to be provoked. I was taking my DS (1 yr) for vaccinations and parked neatly in one of many available spaces at my local surgery. Just as I was trying to get him out of his car seat with the door open, I see out of the corner of my eye this guy in his 70s or beyond starts reversing into the space I am standing in with the door open. Note that there are various other spaces even side by side which he could have gone into but no, he chose the one I was standing in with DS half out of his car seat. I waved and shouted and he stopped....then he carried on again so I screamed and shouted at him preparing to smack the back end of his car as I thought he somehow still hasn't seen me and there wasn't room for me to stand out the way. Finally he then moves off, parks opposite and walks off inside without a word.

This is where I then made a poor decision. I had to stand next to him whilst logging into their system. I was so angry and shocked at what just happened that I decided he wasn't going to get away with it, so I said to him.. you do realise you just almost ran us over...I was expecting he might apologise. This then started off an argument in front of the whole waiting room. I asked him why he chose to park in the only space I was standing in when there were 6 other spaces available and he just said 'it was a space wasn't it' and he said 'you shouldn't have such a big car" I said I can have what car I like (honestly it's not big just a very basic standard budget SUV, not some enormous tank!) And I was parked responsibly in the space, it is customary to need the door open when getting a child out and unfortunately they don't have child spaces with more room and I didn't want to park in the disabled spacs as that's not for me! I'm afraid he pissed me off even more with his comment about my car so I said something I wasn't proud of along the lines of "should have gone to Specsavers because I'm not sure how you didn't see me? " Anyway of course it escalated, the receptionist tried to intervene to calm us down, and then he pushed all three of us, her most as she was inbetween him and me still holding DS. I feel totally devastated because she ended up bearing the brunt of what was obviously meant for me. Also mortified this was in front of everybody, although they were very kind. But also because I should have left it well alone as I had my son in my arms, why oh why didn't I keep my mouth firmly shut?! A miss (even a near miss!) Is as good as a mile as they say. What is wrong with me, why do I put myself and others at risk just to be right? It's like the sense of injustice takes over and fight wins over flight even when it makes common sense not to poke the hornets nest.

It's happened before. I asked someone outside my house which fronts onto a footpath to pick up their dog mess and got verbally abused and I think there are other incidents I can't remember now. Incidently I always end up a shaking blubbing emotional wreck after such incidents so why do I do it??! In my head I think I'm sticking up for myself. But it usually ends up worse for me and I feel like in taking these risks, one day I could end up with myself in serious trouble or dead doing it. How can I stop myself in future when it's almost reflexive! I know I need to control myself. Incidently my husband is the complete opposite extreme and a pacifist. He avoids conflict like the plague and never gets himself in any situations like this as a result. If there is a problem with a bill or contractor I have to deal with it. Is there a middle ground?!
Incidently my DS got his vaccines (all 4!) but it wasn't at all the calm experience I was hoping for...

Maybe he shouldn't, maybe he doesn't have bed perception maybe we are all surmising and projecting from OP's one sided account.

Good fun innit.

It isn't though.
The OP has been told she shouldn't have been stood in the parking space. That she shouldn't have shouted at him when he was reversing at her, and that she shouldn't have spoken to him in the surgery.

How is it dramatic when the op has literally just told the world about his dangerous driving.

I agree with @Fluffywhitecloudsinthesky . I was badly let down by a tradesperson a while ago. I was furious and dh sent a very arsey email. The person replied apologising and didn't offer up any excuses for their no show but tried to sort out an alternative date.

A little while later I found out through a third party that something extremely tragic had happened in their personal life that week. I resolved then to always assume that people are doing their best, very few people are being knobs on purpose and most of the time we have no idea about what is going on with people.

It's also why I hate people sharing things to shame people on social media.

MN is so confusing. Women who are worried about other peoples feelings who are rude or aggressive to them are constantly being told not to be people pleasers, doormats, stand up for themselves, use their words and drop the rope.

Yet when somebody does, they're accused of being aggressive, argumentative and out of control. Okay for a man to push two women though, eh? Women - know your place.

Honestly please have a wine and relax

The lives of OP and her baby were never in any danger and in fairness, if she really thought they were - shut the car door and get out of the fecking way to start with and then don't approach this dangerous madman in anyway after that.

That man was responsible for his own behaviour please never do jury duty for a rape case

As for the feeling of injustice, it’s pride. My mother was like this and it was exhausting. She was very proud and thin skinned, and any slight or perceived slight had to be avenged, usually by her having an embarrassing screaming match with somebody or showing herself up in some way. She never let anything go.

Huh? Yes you did.

She approached an elderly man standing in the waiting room of a GP practicein a confrontational manner and told him he “should have gone to specsavers”

I've no idea why you're ignoring what she actually did say...

so I said to him.. you do realise you just almost ran us over...I was expecting he might apologise. This then started off an argument in front of the whole waiting room

Please.

She didn’t “speak” to him in the surgery. She was really fucking angry about what happened in the car park, and approached him in confrontation.

How entitled can you be to think you can approach a stranger confrontationally, reprimand them, goad and insult them and expect them to just bow their head and say nothing in response.

I can’t imagine a woman would be okay with the OP behaving towards her in that manner either. I certainly wouldn’t be, although I wouldn’t have pushed anyone.

The man acting aggressively doesn’t negate the fact that the OP was acting aggressively too.

completely this. Try and get to the bottom of why your trmper is so easily provoked. My husband is like this - i think its adhd.

terrible to get yourself in this sort of situation at all let alone with a child present.

not excusing the man at all - but you were the antagonist in this situation.

And I just explained to you that when I said “confrontational manner” I was referencing the “You do realise..” comment.

You know OP I think it’s fine. It isn’t happening at every little issue but bigger ones like dicks who don’t pick up their dog shit and aggressive drivers. I would have given both what for too and it’s no chance that he pushed into you and the receptionist. He was always that kind of bloke. Fuck them. Have never needed to challenge, be sarcastic or to shout at a woman yet. As for he might be ill blah blah blah well yeah but so what. The most appalling things happen to people without them being horrid to others.

I can’t believe he pushed you with your child!!! I don’t avoid confrontation but tbh I’d never start anything, but I think people are justified sometimes if they do but in the case of the doctor’s surgery I think you were ott but then he was awful so … I don’t know!! Hope you’re ok op x

To summarise:
It's great OP recognises she may have over-reacted and should have responded more calmly
It's important to understand the difference between Assertive and Agressive (and which is effective and productive)
Read "The Chimp Paradox" by Prof Steve Peters (or watch his TedTalk) if you want to understand more about seemingly "impulsive" behaviour
Try to avoid attributing intention and malice to others

You are not on your own, I do this far to often to, we just have strong moral values, and are so annoyed when people are just plain ignorant and damn rude. Good for you for sticking up for yourself !

It's not one thing or the other though. You are ignoring the sensible middle ground which many posters are advocating.
You can still stand up for yourself without being aggressive and confrontational.

Im not shy to stand up for myself but I never get mouthy insulting or aggressive. It's pointless and doesn't work. I stick to the facts and I repeat myself if needed.

What part of this actually applies to the OP’s situation? The man wasn’t rude or aggressive to her. He wasn’t treating her like a doormat. He wasn’t expecting her to be a people pleaser.

He went off and parked elsewhere once he realised the situation.

The OP is being accused of being aggressive and argumentative because she was being aggressive and argumentative. Aggressive and argumentative behaviour isn’t suddenly okay because it’s a female that’s doing it.

You don't sound like a very nice person to be honest.

You haven't been arrested yet so you're not doing too badly.
You were definitely right to challenge the person who left dog poo. I can't really judge the parking situation.

I meant it generally as I read this all over AIBU. Women who have pushy neighbours, cheeky friends, lazy husbands and so on get told to stand up for themselves so it is relevant. Yet when somebody does stand up for themselves it's not okay. It's confusing and women can't win.

Pushing her and a receptionist wasn't rude or aggressive? Okaaaay.

Are you joking?

The pushing was the very last occurrence in a long sequence of events.

Why is everyone so keen to minimise and justify the OP’s part in this situation? Because she has a huge part to play in it.

Why did he assault the receptionist if he wasn't aggressive?

Oh, I am posting in good faith.

I didn’t see that comment and I am certainly not justifying the man pushing the OP. He was aggressive.

The OP was also aggressive. I have been on the receiving end of someone acting in a similar, aggressive manner and it’s not acceptable. Although I would never raise my hands to anyone (unless absolutely necessary in self defence), I would absolutely be standing up for myself in a situation like this with an aggressor like the OP.

As I said, aggressive and argumentative behaviour isn’t suddenly okay because it’s a female that’s doing it.