For reacting to people who treat me poorly..assaulted at the doctors surgery

[Namechangey23]

I suspect the answer is yes IABU and normal people don't do this! Please help me understand why I am like this and what I can do to fix it.

This is a typical example of a situation I have got myself into by reacting and allowing myself to be provoked. I was taking my DS (1 yr) for vaccinations and parked neatly in one of many available spaces at my local surgery. Just as I was trying to get him out of his car seat with the door open, I see out of the corner of my eye this guy in his 70s or beyond starts reversing into the space I am standing in with the door open. Note that there are various other spaces even side by side which he could have gone into but no, he chose the one I was standing in with DS half out of his car seat. I waved and shouted and he stopped....then he carried on again so I screamed and shouted at him preparing to smack the back end of his car as I thought he somehow still hasn't seen me and there wasn't room for me to stand out the way. Finally he then moves off, parks opposite and walks off inside without a word.

This is where I then made a poor decision. I had to stand next to him whilst logging into their system. I was so angry and shocked at what just happened that I decided he wasn't going to get away with it, so I said to him.. you do realise you just almost ran us over...I was expecting he might apologise. This then started off an argument in front of the whole waiting room. I asked him why he chose to park in the only space I was standing in when there were 6 other spaces available and he just said 'it was a space wasn't it' and he said 'you shouldn't have such a big car" I said I can have what car I like (honestly it's not big just a very basic standard budget SUV, not some enormous tank!) And I was parked responsibly in the space, it is customary to need the door open when getting a child out and unfortunately they don't have child spaces with more room and I didn't want to park in the disabled spacs as that's not for me! I'm afraid he pissed me off even more with his comment about my car so I said something I wasn't proud of along the lines of "should have gone to Specsavers because I'm not sure how you didn't see me? " Anyway of course it escalated, the receptionist tried to intervene to calm us down, and then he pushed all three of us, her most as she was inbetween him and me still holding DS. I feel totally devastated because she ended up bearing the brunt of what was obviously meant for me. Also mortified this was in front of everybody, although they were very kind. But also because I should have left it well alone as I had my son in my arms, why oh why didn't I keep my mouth firmly shut?! A miss (even a near miss!) Is as good as a mile as they say. What is wrong with me, why do I put myself and others at risk just to be right? It's like the sense of injustice takes over and fight wins over flight even when it makes common sense not to poke the hornets nest.

It's happened before. I asked someone outside my house which fronts onto a footpath to pick up their dog mess and got verbally abused and I think there are other incidents I can't remember now. Incidently I always end up a shaking blubbing emotional wreck after such incidents so why do I do it??! In my head I think I'm sticking up for myself. But it usually ends up worse for me and I feel like in taking these risks, one day I could end up with myself in serious trouble or dead doing it. How can I stop myself in future when it's almost reflexive! I know I need to control myself. Incidently my husband is the complete opposite extreme and a pacifist. He avoids conflict like the plague and never gets himself in any situations like this as a result. If there is a problem with a bill or contractor I have to deal with it. Is there a middle ground?!
Incidently my DS got his vaccines (all 4!) but it wasn't at all the calm experience I was hoping for...

What did I say that was so wrong?

People can react similarly because they never expect to be at risk because they've had nice lives, because they've always been the strongest - or because they've been the victim before and they're scared.

Why is that so offensive somebody's demanded it deleted?

The irony.

I think it’s good you acknowledge you have a problem. I don’t know what the answer is, but I really hate volatile, quick to anger people. I felt embarrassed for you when I read your post.

Think about how you come across to others, and more importantly, your child.

Perhaps therapy would help?

Don't worry about it. It's just posters who can't stand people disagreeing with them reporting you. I think Mumsnet automatically deletes all reported comments without even looking at them.

All of this

Its happened to me too, OP. People and situations like this drive me mad. I wish I had the cool of dealing with it with grace but I am in fact happy that I manage to speak up at all. Better then stewing inside. The form of speaking up will improve with time, I am sure.

For anyone who has ever wondered why some women don't fight back when attacked by men, pretty much all the answers are in this thread

I have found this a very upsetting thing to read. I have been attacked by a man and had to fight with everything I had. I know what it is to feel yourself losing and know that you probably won't make it out. That's why I don't go around restarting things that are not important with strangers, men especially. If you've really had to fight, then you would know what was important and what was not.

For fucks sake there’s a world of difference between ‘aggressive man attacks woman’ and ‘30 something woman screams abuse at elderly man for parking mishap, starts up again after he walks away, forces receptionist to intervene and is now playing the victim when the receptionist is pushed’.

NO the man should NOT have pushed the receptionist but it was a push - not a punch or a kick, not prolonged - after having OP getting up in his face screaming abuse, not once but twice. He walked away from the OP initially and was followed. He was bang out of order but let’s not make out because of that OP is the victim here, or that this is ‘typical male aggression’. A melee is an entirely foreseeable result of creating such an unnecessary and hostile drama in public and OP needs to own that.

If the sexes were reversed here - if OP had become flustered and made a driving mistake, been screamed and sworn at and had a man try to hit her car, walked away but had him follow her and continue to shout abuse, and in her frustration had pushed the receptionist/him, everyone would say ‘You shouldn’t have pushed them but OMG the male aggression, I’m not surprised you felt threatened and couldn’t think straight’.

Wtf is a Ginkel? Is it safe to Google it? 😂

I wonder if the man who pushed you is worrying about his behaviour? As PP have said, he was clearly in the wrong. I bet he's not posting on grandadnet talkboards asking if he is being unreasonable for trying to run over a woman and her child. And then pushing them both plus a member of staff at the surgery. You sound great and it's a shame you have to change your entirely rational and justified response because idiots choose to escalate it to violence. There is big difference to standing up for yourself as you did and being violent and threatening which is what he chose to do.

An elderly 'gent' who pushed a woman and child and an NHS receptionist sure. Hmm. Sure. I don't think you've actually read what happened have you?! Funnily enough I don't spend my precious time off work charging around public spaces terrorising old men for giggles. For what it is worth I would have reacted the same for a man woman or whoever if they tried to run me and my child over repeatedly. Because I reacted in the moment to having nearly been run over. I have been bullied and I would not wish that on anyone else. Since your first thought ran to bully, perhaps that is a self reflection?

I actually had a very similar situation when I was out shopping (local retail park) and once I had finished put the trolley away I started putting the kids into the car.

whilst I was putting my 3yr old into her car seat (door open) a car was edging closer to me and revving, this made me panick and the seat was being a pain in the arse (felt like I was rushing).. my mum walked past them to get into the car and heard them say “oh why can’t she just fucking move” my mum chose to not say anything and ignore them..

they then parked in the spot next to us and was waving there arms around (at us) meanwhile I was getting ready to leave, my mum snapped and said “what is your problem there was plenty of other spaces but instead you chose to bully my daughter and grandchildren unnecessarily “ the man started telling my mum to fuck off and all sorts!!

it’s completely put me off parking in retail parks now! The pressure and nastiness was unreal!

OP you did nothing wrong, it’s dangerous what he was doing.. they try to bully you to make you go faster! Just awkward people who need to get a grip and stop trying to intimidate others.. you stood up for yourself and good on you! Xx

Didn't screech in anyone's face...read my actually words...the only time I shouted was to get his attention when he tried to reverse obot me and my child x 2.

Thankyou. You are so right. I have two kiddos who need my attention and love and that's exactly who I'm going to focus on. Chalking this day up to bad experience and moving on, hopefully wiser!

Yet another one

NO the man should NOT have pushed the receptionist but...

I'm so sorry you had this experience, it sounds absolutely awful and your poor mum too. Just pure nastiness and picking on someone for no reason. To be honest I do wonder if it was a similar thing because it was weird the way he stopped and then started again! And the fact he mentioned he thought my car was too big..the straps on our car seat got twisted so it is a fiddle and he always takes his socks off so I have to reach around under the sear for them..little monkey!

I have the opposite problem! I’m not assertive enough! There was an elderly woman crossing a zebra crossing verryyyy slowly and I was walking behind her with my children. The car waiting started revving & I sort of eye balled her & pointed towards the elderly woman as if to say… I can’t go any faster! She rolled down her window and called me a stupid cunt and said she was a carer and it wasn’t the elderly woman she had issue with it was me. She was being completely unreasonable and I should have told her to go fuck herself but instead went ‘ok.’ 😠 I anger myself sometimes!

Correct. Like to think it doesn't affect me now tho as that was a long time ago..

No. According to people on here, the appropriate thing to do is to lie prone on the ground and allow the man to drive over you. Extra points if you manage to get your dc squashed alongside you.

No shouting allowed. Even whilst being run over.

OP, I’m like you — can’t let things go. To be honest, though, I don’t think you did anything wrong in this instance. (These two statements may be connected!) He drove in a way that put you in danger, then failed to acknowledge that or apologise for it. No, he doesn’t have to apologise and you didn’t have to pull him up on it inside the surgery, but I don’t think you were necessarily wrong to do so either. (There are good and bad ways of doing this, of course, and that’s where I often get it wrong…) Either way, though, he then PUSHED you and the receptionist. I’m really surprised at the number of people who seem to think you’re at fault here, when he escalated things way beyond anything you’d done — and the people saying you might end up barred from the surgery. If anyone should be barred, I think it’s him!

I think in general people have a lot less patience/respect/ understanding these days and it's sad to see. Most people I come across daily are under some kind of stress or literally could blow up with one wrong word. I think it's a sign of the uneasy and uncertain times we are living in.

I don't think you were unreasonable for being annoyed or saying something, I would have done the same. Since becoming a mum I have so much more empathy for mothers than before I had my DD. We spend so much of our time being invisible to most that I can understand how easy it is to get annoyed when someone seemingly actually doesn't see you there with your child.

Him physically pushing you and the receptionist is absolutely not okay.

I do the same OP, I go into ‘fight or flight’ mode very easily. Not in relationships or at work etc, actually in known environments I am reasonable and can somehow sort through emotions - but on my own in unknown situations I get very very upset quickly and things escalate. My DH is always shocked that I can often have a row when I go out. I also struggle to deal with what I see as a perceived slight or an injustice. I’m looking into ADHD actually for a number of reasons but this is one of them. Not sure what the answer is but you aren’t alone! I’m trying not to do it in front of my kids as they get older so that is helping me at least.

But yes it was absolutely not your fault that the man got physical and I’m so sorry - I hope it got reported to the police?!

It was reasonable in the car park to say something and shout to keep yourself safe.

It was unreasonable to go into the surgery and go looking for a fight because you'd decided he wasn't going to get away with it and you wanted to have the last word so kept goading and arguing because you'd decided he was older and unlikely to retaliate.

His violence was obviously unacceptable.

Tbh, the people who behave like dicks…..are dicks, and you will just never hear them apologise for their behaviour. Ever. As they actually believe what they’re doing is right. But it’s not what you say, it’s how it’s delivered. You can re-act to what they say and be firm but polite, to get your point across. As the saying goes, if you have to raise your voice to get someone to listen to you, you’ve already lost the battle. You absolutely did the right thing, but composure is the way to go.