To want to catch him in a clever way? Pls help

[badgergirl5]

I think I have just discovered evidence that my husband is having an affair. Please bear with me as I explain the background - I want to be smart about how I confront him and how I make my next move, because I know he will deny it. So I’ve come here to ask for advice and ideas on how to do this. A big part of me just wants to blurt everything out but I know this might be my only chance to know the truth.

This starts all the way back in 2005!! Our kids were babies at the time. I’d had a suspicious feeling that something wasn’t right for a few months so I looked at his phone and found outrageously flirty texts with a woman at work. They were trying to arrange meeting up for a drink and he had actually checked one of the dates with me and told me he’d be going out with a mate. The texts including descriptions of what she was wearing, how she had fancied him and blushed whenever he spoke to her etc etc. I confronted him and he apologised and acted sorry - said he was having a moment of madness, would cancel the evening out with her and break off all contact. But he didn’t let me see the messages he sent to her in order to do this (yes I know this was crazy of me not to insist!!!!).

Three years later I received anonymous text messages telling me he was cheating. I never understood where they came from. He said he had no idea and someone was just trying to cause trouble.

So that brings me to 2024. We have been happily married, at least on the surface, for the last 6 years since those text messages. I have always had an uneasy feeling that he’s a flirt and needs attention from other women but have never known whether he would actually cheat.
Today I was using our shared laptop and he had left his emails open. I don’t even know why given it was YEARS ago, but I searched for that girl’s name. I found 3 separate occasions of him sending presents to her - all the same name and address. Chocolates, clothes and a book (the book actually hurt the most - it was a book about hormones that I have actually read myself. From the date, it looks as though he heard my recommendation and decided to send her one). I find a book about hormones to be a particularly intimate thing to send to someone.

first of all, AIBU to suspect a full blown and potentially long term affair ? If he’s been seeing her, it can’t ever involve overnight stays. He is never away. But I guess he could meet her during the day. Is there any other explanation for still being in contact with her after so many years and sending presents?

I would love advice on how I can play this to be sure before I confront him. How much should I admit I’ve seen?

It's a shame you've told him as by the time he gets home his personal phone, work phone, emails etc will all be wiped. You've given him a heads up.

The good thing is he doesn't know what you know. Keep schtum. Tell him nothing. Don't give him any more info at all, let him sweat and see what he admits to. But be prepared he will probably admit to zero.

I find it highly highly unlikely he's not slept with her. But even if he hasn't, he has still cheated in my eyes. Personally I'd not be staying married to him.

It's rather telling you've said you think he'll accuse you of emotional abuse. He needs to talk a long look in the mirror. 😡

Have you got many people in real life you can talk to about this and support you?

OP!!!

Why oh WHY did you spook him!!! Yes he's cheated on you (3rd or 4th time now?)

He is also gone so quiet cause he is wiping EVERYTHING and making up alibis.

Which will now make you feel like your going crazy.

OP!!! I'm so frustrated with you! Your first post was asking all about how to get yourself in a good position. But you've put yourself right at the bottom now!!!

Honestly, there's nothing you can do. Co tinie as you are. Knowing he is a serial cheat.

Or LTB.

But good luck with that as any evidence that would help with your end has been wiped.

Does he have Snapchat? Have you looked in his archive on WhatsApp?
Anyone who could be saved under a fake name?

Ahh, honestly OP? I’d not bother wasting my time/energy/breath and just send him his divorce. I wouldn’t entertain his attempt to worm his way out for a third time personally.

Really sorry you’re going through this. 💐

His reaction seems the most damning thing to me. It is a a typical panicked strategy to give him time to clean his history and think up responses .

If you are constantly feeling the need to check his phone and are finding problematic behaviour (affair or not he hasn't admitted he's started speaking ro this woman again) the trust is gone. Particularly so if you believe he will gaslight you - that's abusive behaviour and you shouldn't accept it. Leave him - he's shown you over years that he doesn't respect you and that is unlikely to change. I understand why you want proof but you probably won't get it. I'd ring the woman now before he cab get to her and see what he says. It might be that there's been no affair but he's been sucking up to her sending presents to try to reel her in again as an ego boost. Either way, he's a twat, you deserve better.

You don't sound like you have any reason to stay. Why would you want to stay with a serial cheater that you don't trust when you can afford to not be with him. I'd rather be single than live a life of wondering who he was cheating on me with.

@AelinAshriver I have to agree.

OP now he knows you know something you've lost the opportunity to fund any evidence or potentially track or follow him as he'll be on high alert. I'm afraid now you'll never know unless he tells you which is not looking likely judging by his silence and your prediction of his potential reaction.

If money isn’t an object then I’d go down the private investigation route.

OP - don't contact OW just yet, but do try to find her on SM. I think you would find the two of them liking each other's pictures etc. Get evidence of that before he hides it.

I agree, sending presents to a woman is a huge red flag. Ex did this and was liking her photo's all over IG. Swore blind they were just friends, told me I was crazy etc etc. Two months after we split he took her to Iceland and she publicly detailed their shared a bed, complete with pictures together. Trust your gut but be pro-active, unlike me.

I would guess he has had an emotional affair with this woman as a minimum but multiple gifts may indicate a physical relationship. His reaction later will hopefully give you more of an idea. I hope so for you as I agree the not knowing can really be infuriating.

I’ve been in this situation. Firstly, I’d say I completely understand why you need proof, he will deny this and try to minimise what happened for the rest of his life. He’s never going to fess up. I find it helpful to know I have physical proof of my ex’s affair. Even though it actually makes no difference to anything.

but please don’t wait until you have iron cast proof before leaving. You already need to know all you need to know.

As pps have said - don’t let him know what you know.

since he has form for messaging women on WhatsApp but is clearly good at deleting messages, have you tried searching for emails from dating sites? Tinder/ bumble/hinge etc? Do this.

also check hotel bookings- he may be booking for the day and not staying overnight.

Are you able to log into his Strava through the laptop? It now has the ability to message on there. Maybe that’s where they are chatting as it’s not an obvious place?

For the the message out of the blue from someone saying he is cheating, to me, that is such a red flag.

His dismissive response is the perfect answer for a cheat.

Maybe more recently he's calmed down and he's not cheating anymore since she moved away- how can he. 100 miles is a long way to go for sex!

He may be having some sort of emotional affair still with her and that's why he's sending her presents.

Really weird behaviour.

I'm very sorry OP. It does sound like he's definitely cheated at some point in the past.

Getting him to admit it though will be extremely difficult.

the only other thing is that you've told him you know something and he's changed his whatsapp settings tonight which sounds like a panicky thing to do.

That suggests to me there's possibly something else going on more local/more recent going on and he's got the wobblies because it may be he thinks you've found the more local something. It's just a possibility - but why for someone 100 miles away would he change his whatsapp settings now? And if it's just an emo affair - why do that?

His behaviour is of someone who is more guilty than I'd thought.

Is he not home yet? Bet he's sh*tting himself

I don’t have any advice to add just sending you a virtual hug OP as I know how torturous not knowing can be.

You may never know though and sometimes you just have to go with your gut and move forward

Well there’s not much digging you can do now because he knows you’re on to him. From experience I would definitely stick to the narrative that you know but say you want to hear it from him. Don’t give in and tell him what you know. If he tells you about the presents and that’s it then maybe you have the truth but if he misses out any of the presents then you know there’s more to come.

It's frustrating isn't it? To make a whole post about wanting to catch him cleverly then spoiling before she's even started.

At least she's seen enough proof for herself, even if not enough to shut him up or prove to other people.

I could imagine the op is feeling very emotional and it would be easy to slip up like this. I know I would

Yes. Hard to just fake everything being normal. I’d find that hard.

Good luck OP. You deserve better than this scum bag.

I’m fully aware I’ve messed up by saying something. But I wouldn’t have found anything else on his phone or emails anyway - I spent about an hour going through his email account earlier and I took photos of the gifts and her name and address. I looked at his phone last week and there wasn’t anything incriminating in WhatsApp, text messages, internet history or notes. So he already does a good job of deleting (or he uses another phone perhaps).
I think the strava suggestion is spot on. He’s probably messaging her on there. I didn’t look at that app.
I do have some power because he has no idea what I’ve seen. I am going to stick to the line that I want to hear it from him.

One thing I'd do when he gets home is take his phone, open Google maps and start typing her address it may appear. Or see if there's a Google maps history. I imagine if he travelled to see her he may have used this for directions.

So when I found evidence of my exH cheating, he was texting and skyping women and had a profile on fabswingers and had met up with people. I screenshotted everything and when he went on nightshift I printed everything off and decorated the hallway with them. I packed all his stuff into black bags and left him a note. Then I stayed at my parents and let him come home and find it all.

Haven't seen him since and that was 10 years ago. I contacted a lawyer the following day and filed for divorce.