To want to catch him in a clever way? Pls help

[badgergirl5]

I think I have just discovered evidence that my husband is having an affair. Please bear with me as I explain the background - I want to be smart about how I confront him and how I make my next move, because I know he will deny it. So I’ve come here to ask for advice and ideas on how to do this. A big part of me just wants to blurt everything out but I know this might be my only chance to know the truth.

This starts all the way back in 2005!! Our kids were babies at the time. I’d had a suspicious feeling that something wasn’t right for a few months so I looked at his phone and found outrageously flirty texts with a woman at work. They were trying to arrange meeting up for a drink and he had actually checked one of the dates with me and told me he’d be going out with a mate. The texts including descriptions of what she was wearing, how she had fancied him and blushed whenever he spoke to her etc etc. I confronted him and he apologised and acted sorry - said he was having a moment of madness, would cancel the evening out with her and break off all contact. But he didn’t let me see the messages he sent to her in order to do this (yes I know this was crazy of me not to insist!!!!).

Three years later I received anonymous text messages telling me he was cheating. I never understood where they came from. He said he had no idea and someone was just trying to cause trouble.

So that brings me to 2024. We have been happily married, at least on the surface, for the last 6 years since those text messages. I have always had an uneasy feeling that he’s a flirt and needs attention from other women but have never known whether he would actually cheat.
Today I was using our shared laptop and he had left his emails open. I don’t even know why given it was YEARS ago, but I searched for that girl’s name. I found 3 separate occasions of him sending presents to her - all the same name and address. Chocolates, clothes and a book (the book actually hurt the most - it was a book about hormones that I have actually read myself. From the date, it looks as though he heard my recommendation and decided to send her one). I find a book about hormones to be a particularly intimate thing to send to someone.

first of all, AIBU to suspect a full blown and potentially long term affair ? If he’s been seeing her, it can’t ever involve overnight stays. He is never away. But I guess he could meet her during the day. Is there any other explanation for still being in contact with her after so many years and sending presents?

I would love advice on how I can play this to be sure before I confront him. How much should I admit I’ve seen?

Honestly OP, I would just tell him that you know.

Don't go into it, don't explain. Just say the words "I know", or "I know the truth".

Make sure you have plenty of evidence and present him with divorce papers. Don't rise to bait, don't do anything that he could throw back in your face.

But it will torture me forever if he just pretends nothing is going on and I’m crazy (which I think he will do).

Hes probably going to do that, no matter what evidence you collect. These men will argue black is white.

it’s always worse when the truth isn’t admitted

You’re never going to believe it’s the truth. He will always admit to the absolute least he can get away with admitting. You’ll always wonder what more there was. You need to find a way to accept that, to be secure in the knowledge that he’s done enough for you to end the marriage, and do it.

Is there ever any benefit to calling the other woman? Asking her outright? I have her full name and address so I can easily contact her.

WT actual F?

@badgergirl5 I am so sorry this sounds like a complete mind fuck. I too would want to know what exactly was going on and all the details. I wouldn’t be able to just present him with divorce papers - it’s not a movie. Breakups are usually messy and elongated and go back and forth over the same old ground because they involve humans!

You might be better off posting in relationships. AIBU can essentially be unusable for anything with any nuance at all. You’ve already attracted one of the “tell it like it is” brigade who relentlessly post aggressive questions to the OP and think they’re brilliantly cutting through the bullshit when they are just being pricks.
Take some time to think about it.

I am obviously ignoring the spell poster!!!!

The spell caster!

I'd go and see a solicitor.

Then I'd just say I know about your affair here are your divorce papers please sign and return thanks.

It's not a crime
You're not a detective.

Just ditch the loser.

What clothes did he send her? I think clothes could be a lot more intimate than a book on hormones, which I think any woman would be pretty mortified to receive! Unless it's something like a Mountain Warehouse fleece.

In the nineteen years since they started flirting or whatever, do you think they've been carrying on throughout? Does he ever mention her in passing?

Fgs no. Just leave her alone. Your beef is with your husband.

He never ever mentions her. The clothes were running gear. It seems they have found each other on strava.

I'm not sure why you're getting such hostile replies OP - I imagine your head is all over the place! Who can honestly say they would coolly walk away in this moment and not want to know the truth?

I echo the earlier advice and get ahead now. Get documents, instructions a solicitor, get your finances in order, get all your important documents (bank, wills, mortgage, passports/birth certificates etc. Practise telling him so you're not overcome in the moment. Arrange to have the kids out of the house once you have everything in order. Good luck

It's not her own life though its his and her life

God no.

Its ok to be all over the place and emotional right now OP, but don’t take any actions. Wait until you’ve got a cool head on, or he’ll run financial rings round you.

I'd be just as keen to know the truth as you, OP. I don't think you should contact the woman though, although I admit I'd be tempted too.

How's your relationship generally? Has he been a good husband/father aside from this? If you're usually good communicators, part of me would be tempted to simply ask him. I guess the issue there though is that you're admitting you went through his emails, so the trust would really be gone on both sides.

I think I'd simply ensure I had all of my finances etc. sorted and decide whether or not to continue with the marriage. Sending hugs - not an easy situation to be in.

Don't contact the woman at this stage. She would tell him. He would then be able to get his story straight, act hurt/defensive/furious say you were mad/paranoid ext. Why were you snooping on his emails? Why didn't you ask him about it instead of contacting he The element of him not knowing you've found evidence of the gifts would be lost. You do need more information. I think. Watch and wait. As a wife I can't think of any reason except maybe affair or emotional affair why a husband would send gifts to another woman without mentioning it to his wife. If it was a friend or colleagues birthday for instance wouldn't it have been natural to mention the gift to you ...put your name on it too so no misunderstanding. 🤔

Your years/dates don’t add up. Do you mean this saga started in 2015, rather than 2005?

3 presents for someone who lives 100 miles away is not evidence of an affair, and you’re guessing/surmising everything else.
Do you KNOW she comes to London for work?
Do you have a joint account or do you both have your own? Can you see where he is spending money? Eg. Hotels etc? Does that coincide with her travelling to London?
You can’t just confront him with ‘I know’ when you only have evidence he sent 3 gifts.

Having said all that, you clearly don’t trust him and without trust there’s very little relationship so you need to decide if that’s the dealbreaker. I wouldn’t be with or stay with anyone that had lost my trust.

What a shit situation your in as you know he will deny it and you just want the truth. You need a bigger picture than just those emails for closure rightly or wrongly

If he has social media have a look at who 'likes' and comments on his pictures/posts and anyone who may have this woman as a friend or follower and keep an eye on that

Check his phone which is probably not possible unless you know his code

If you can get on his phone look out for names of males or females who you've never heard of as he could have her number down as a male or female alias

Watch a documentary/film where the person on there is a cheat and make comments like ' cheating is disgusting' and ' what a vile human' etc and just see his reaction to those comments

When or if you speak with his friends casually throw in comments like 'did you and husband have fun on 'x' day' and just see his friends reaction

Check his pockets/bag for receipts

Can you get his phone statement? Have a look on there and or bank statements

Look out for if he's shifty on his phone or has phone calls he just doesn't answer

Phone her and ask her and say this has be going on since 2005 and you just want to be confirmed you aren’t bonkers - and you don’t want to be gas lit etc also the messages sent Amy idea from who? Do you still have the number?

but really just tell him that he’s cheated for 20 years and you are done / even if you walked on in and was having sex with another woman would you just believed it was dark and he just slipped?

Honestly, you say he'll lie and dissemble, gaslight and call you crazy etc etc.

Why drive yourself mad trying to 'catch him out' when you can just say "enough is enough, I'm divorcing you"?

Nothing will be sufficient proof to stop him lying unless you go the whole hog and get photos etc. Don't subject yourself to that aggro.

You are naturally feeling all over the place right now. For your own sake I think the focus should be looking after yourself and your children's best interests, not playing Nancy Drew in the hope of a Gotcha! revelation. Because what ever you do, he'll still tell you lies.