To want to catch him in a clever way? Pls help

[badgergirl5]

I think I have just discovered evidence that my husband is having an affair. Please bear with me as I explain the background - I want to be smart about how I confront him and how I make my next move, because I know he will deny it. So I’ve come here to ask for advice and ideas on how to do this. A big part of me just wants to blurt everything out but I know this might be my only chance to know the truth.

This starts all the way back in 2005!! Our kids were babies at the time. I’d had a suspicious feeling that something wasn’t right for a few months so I looked at his phone and found outrageously flirty texts with a woman at work. They were trying to arrange meeting up for a drink and he had actually checked one of the dates with me and told me he’d be going out with a mate. The texts including descriptions of what she was wearing, how she had fancied him and blushed whenever he spoke to her etc etc. I confronted him and he apologised and acted sorry - said he was having a moment of madness, would cancel the evening out with her and break off all contact. But he didn’t let me see the messages he sent to her in order to do this (yes I know this was crazy of me not to insist!!!!).

Three years later I received anonymous text messages telling me he was cheating. I never understood where they came from. He said he had no idea and someone was just trying to cause trouble.

So that brings me to 2024. We have been happily married, at least on the surface, for the last 6 years since those text messages. I have always had an uneasy feeling that he’s a flirt and needs attention from other women but have never known whether he would actually cheat.
Today I was using our shared laptop and he had left his emails open. I don’t even know why given it was YEARS ago, but I searched for that girl’s name. I found 3 separate occasions of him sending presents to her - all the same name and address. Chocolates, clothes and a book (the book actually hurt the most - it was a book about hormones that I have actually read myself. From the date, it looks as though he heard my recommendation and decided to send her one). I find a book about hormones to be a particularly intimate thing to send to someone.

first of all, AIBU to suspect a full blown and potentially long term affair ? If he’s been seeing her, it can’t ever involve overnight stays. He is never away. But I guess he could meet her during the day. Is there any other explanation for still being in contact with her after so many years and sending presents?

I would love advice on how I can play this to be sure before I confront him. How much should I admit I’ve seen?

Private investigator. It’s how a few women on MN have caught their cheating bastard husbands.

OP, you're the sanest, most reasonable voice on this entire thread. Many are bloodthirsty and just out for revenge by proxy. They don't care about you, they just want blood.

You could consider doing this (if you haven't):

Tell him you want him to tell you everything about cheating/other women that he's involved. Either:

1. He admits nothing - he's lying.
2. He admits less than what you know - he's lying.
3. He admits what you know - it's unclear if he's gone further.
4. He admits to a full-blown affair - you know the truth of this now.

Go hard with the fact that you know (and want his version of events). He doesn’t know what you know or how. Been there, done that (twice) and it’s incredibly effective.

He's obviously done more than just send her those gifts. They will be messaging somewhere, whether you have found it or not. She would have thanked him for the gifts, at the very least. If you keep quiet he will try to find out how much you know. Also, his initial confession is unlikely to be the full story.

I hope you're ok OP. I agree with others that it's all moot really, if the trust is gone then you need to call it a day

He will never tell you the truth. Never. They never do.

OP, you already have (and have had in the past) more evidence than I would ever need. You are in the "knows but chooses to stay" category. It's time to come to terms with it and stop digging for ammunition that you'll only ever use to hurt yourself... Or LTB.

I'm thinking at the moment if I should let know (anonymously) of someone's cheating ways. Particularly as unsafe, paid-for sex abroad is involved. And the only reason stopping me is the possible wet-fart reaction of the wife. There's only that much human disappointment that I can take.

OP does he have a phone that enables multiple sim cards? Ex had one that did and used to hide things on the one he didn't use when at home (used to say it was his work one to me). Just an idea. Good luck.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I think now you’ve said that he is unlikely to tell you anything for fear of giving you more information than you actually know. You needed to hit him with it in person. He will say they’re friends, he sent her gifts as she was going through a hard time or it’s her birthday or her dog died.. anything but the truth. Have you checked his work bag? Car sat nav history? Bank account?

OP I think you are bang on.

Those gifts are not innocent. it's not about whether it was a book or a dildo - it's context. Three times (that OP knows of), he has sent gifts to a younger work colleague that he'd had a flirtation with and arranged to meet in secret. OP did not know they were in contact again - never mind that he was sending her presents. There is nothing innocent about them at all. He could send her a pair of wellies and it would still be a 'loaded' gift because of the backstory and context.

Telling him that you 'know' is fine. He's already been clearing down his messages so it wasn't like you could demand his phone and find stuff. The only 'opportunity' you might have missed is the work phone, which he has now had a chance to clear. But he doesn't know what you know and what you don't, so you are right to refuse to tell him.

I think if he pushes you and you want to indicate that you know 'stuff', you could mention some of the gifts and say something like - I'm on Strava too by the way... He might think you have somehow hacked into his account and blurt....

I'm so sorry this is happening and you are doing just fine. Don't doubt yourself. I wish you the best of luck OP.

You are a legend! Amazing. Wish you’d videoed it. Would love to see his face.

He sounds very guilty 😔

It's the only thing I regret not doing. I did take photos of my handy work. I also sellotaped my vibrator to the wall with a note saying "you know where you can stick this". Alongside the photo of him I found online of him with it up his arse. He'd also offered to use it on the women he had invited to my house while I was at work. 🤢

@Serendipityandmore thank you, your kindness means a lot. I am still shaking.

@PorpoiseWithPurpose How do you even hire a private investigator? I’ve googled and it all looks dodgy to me.

@QueenCamilla when I received anonymous texts, I wished they had said more. The first one simply said “women's intuition rules” and the second one “he cheated in a hotel.” It was so vague that it was easy to suspect it was malicious. You should mention as much detail as you can - it will be harder for her to ignore. Dates, places, and also the fact that you care. Say that it’s anonymous because you’re scared of the repercussions for you, not because you don’t care. I felt that the person texting me probably hated me and wanted to ruin my life.

He’s very likely to be sending every message through Strava as most people would never think to look there. He might have deleted everything as he goes along but you could reasonably request that he hands you his phone - not unreasonable given his previous, and the anonymous tip off that he was having an affair - and look for yourself. He can’t be trusted.

Did you respond to the anonymous text messages and ask questions? What year were they sent? Was it around the same time these gifts were sent?

I’d be dropping hints to him that you’re on strava.

I think he’s definitely been sending messages on strava. I just guessed his password and managed to log in - surprise surprise he’s no longer friends with her on there

Well I hope you are living well now and he is miserable. What an absolute scumbag.

@PorpoiseWithPurpose the anonymous text messages were sent to me at 2am one morning in 2018 when I was on holiday with him and our 2 kids. I kept it to myself for the whole holiday until worked out what to do next. I confronted him, said someone had told me he had cheated, and he was completely perplexed. In the end (after 2 days) I showed him the messages.
i couldn’t reply because they were sent from an anonymous text messaging web site.

@badgergirl5

Is 'shouting and screaming that I'm abusing him' something he has form for? That in and of itself would be enough for me to end a marriage (or demand he go to counseling).

Now that you've said what you said, the OW is a dead end. I'm assuming that she knows he's married so the first thing he will do is to contact her to find out if she's heard from you and to tell her 'My wife knows/suspects, if she contacts you deny everything'. And TBH, if I were to be an OW (never in a million years!) if I were contacted by the wife I'd deny everything anyway.

Where you go from here is up to you. But I certainly don't think he's going to admit jack shit. Even if you had video of them 'in flagrante delicto' he'd probably say it was 'deep fake' or some such shit.

Do you know any of these 'mutual friends' well enough to ask them if he actually showed up and how long he stayed? Is there any chance that these friends would cover for him?

You don’t need to catch him out or be clever - just be upfront and straight. I would be telling him What I have found and demanding to know more - all whilst I packed his stuff. The flirting was the first straw, the gifts would be the last. I would ask, but honestly his answers would be useless as I would never trust the liar again.

I'm happily married now to the most amazing man who treats me like a queen.

I don't really care how he's doing to be honest. Not even bothered if he's living his best life, I'm just glad he's out of mine.

If he valued your relationship, he would stopped any contact years ago. He hasn’t and as such has no respect for you. LTB and call him out on why he has ignored your agreement over his “silly mistake “ from years ago. If you want to test him, how about coincidentally booking a break near her home address and if he mentions that OW lives nearby, suggest that as you as nearby you could all meet for dinner

I’m so sorry OP. I think you have enough evidence to know he’s not trustworthy.

I hope you have support in real life. Tough times ahead but don’t let him gaslight you.

look after yourself really well.