To want to catch him in a clever way? Pls help

[badgergirl5]

I think I have just discovered evidence that my husband is having an affair. Please bear with me as I explain the background - I want to be smart about how I confront him and how I make my next move, because I know he will deny it. So I’ve come here to ask for advice and ideas on how to do this. A big part of me just wants to blurt everything out but I know this might be my only chance to know the truth.

This starts all the way back in 2005!! Our kids were babies at the time. I’d had a suspicious feeling that something wasn’t right for a few months so I looked at his phone and found outrageously flirty texts with a woman at work. They were trying to arrange meeting up for a drink and he had actually checked one of the dates with me and told me he’d be going out with a mate. The texts including descriptions of what she was wearing, how she had fancied him and blushed whenever he spoke to her etc etc. I confronted him and he apologised and acted sorry - said he was having a moment of madness, would cancel the evening out with her and break off all contact. But he didn’t let me see the messages he sent to her in order to do this (yes I know this was crazy of me not to insist!!!!).

Three years later I received anonymous text messages telling me he was cheating. I never understood where they came from. He said he had no idea and someone was just trying to cause trouble.

So that brings me to 2024. We have been happily married, at least on the surface, for the last 6 years since those text messages. I have always had an uneasy feeling that he’s a flirt and needs attention from other women but have never known whether he would actually cheat.
Today I was using our shared laptop and he had left his emails open. I don’t even know why given it was YEARS ago, but I searched for that girl’s name. I found 3 separate occasions of him sending presents to her - all the same name and address. Chocolates, clothes and a book (the book actually hurt the most - it was a book about hormones that I have actually read myself. From the date, it looks as though he heard my recommendation and decided to send her one). I find a book about hormones to be a particularly intimate thing to send to someone.

first of all, AIBU to suspect a full blown and potentially long term affair ? If he’s been seeing her, it can’t ever involve overnight stays. He is never away. But I guess he could meet her during the day. Is there any other explanation for still being in contact with her after so many years and sending presents?

I would love advice on how I can play this to be sure before I confront him. How much should I admit I’ve seen?

I’d create a new email address, in his name, and email her asking if she wants to get a hotel room next time she’s up for work

but I had 21 years of cheating on me and a bullshitting ex

It sounds like they have little opportunity to meet overnight, but that does not mean it's not an emotional affair. In his case I feel myself leaning towards suspecting they have been sleeping together somehow. As you said, in the daytime. Could you check if he's booked any hotels in the last few months? Train tickets? I'm not sure if this is legal or not but you could try and put a tracker on his car to gather further evidence? Unless she is the one always booking it there must be evidence on his side as hotels hardly ever take cash. Whatever he says at this point is irrelevant. Buying gifts for someone who you are meant to have cut contact with 20 years ago? The book about hormones that you recommend takes the biscuit. You deserve so much better than this man.

A book about hormones.
Chocolates.
Running gear.

^ These are not the gifts of a physical affair.

Maybe it is an emotional affair? Often this is worse.

They might consider it nothing more than a friendship though. Is the woman married?

You’ve got proof. He swore he would break off all contact, and instead you have proof he sent her gifts on 3 recent separate occasions. He lied, and he broke your trust, again.

Get your financial ducks in a row and be prepared to just slam dunk a divorce if necessary. I obviously dont know your financial circumstances but if he is a serial cheat he may have prepared his finances for this possibility. So don't assume anything.

I understand the need to KNOW so that when you are feeling conflicted it's good to know he really did cheat, no matter how painful that may be. But I agree with others here, it is the secondary consideration after ensuring your own position given what you have to work on.

I agree. It's quite something to imply a woman is unreasonable for not being totally easy breezy about getting a divorce and changing her whole life based on a hunch and three emails.

I'd want to know the truth too.

You need to get access to his phone, can you guess his password or try to watch him enter it next time. Not sure if facial recognition works when he's sleeping but maybe try that. Getting into the phone will answer all your questions.

The gifts are not 100% confirmation of a physical affair but along with the fact you know he's previously been physically attracted to this woman it's highly likely that's what it is.

Sorry you're going through this.

I'd be inclined to do more digging. CC statements, bank statements etc. Def. wouldn't dream of contacting the other woman. Personally I would have to confront him. Where you end up depends on his reaction and where you want to be.

Sorry I said 2005 when I meant 2015!!! But it’s still 9 years in total since they first started texting. I’ve thought about it for the past hour and I think this is what has happened…

• he really did break off contact in 2015
• she requested him on Strava in 2022 (I saw this in his emails) and that’s when they struck up contact again
• gifts were sent in 2022 and 2023. I think he’s probably met her (slept with her?) too as I can’t see that chatting on social media would lead to an exchange of addresses and then gifts being sent.

Yes, he’s a good husband and father generally. But after those texts in 2015 (and another episode with a different woman in 2013 - also texting) I’ve struggled to trust him.
I did check his phone recently and found absolutely nothing.

But I’ve messed up already. He called earlier from work and he could tell something was up. He asked me if I was Ok and I said “I know” and then refused to explain. I told him to go away and think about telling me the truth. He hasn’t even sent a text since the call ended.

It is her own life. She has a life separate to her life with her husband.

I've been in this position. I remember that feeling of not knowing what was going on in my own life - I felt like I was going mad. And when I found out a little bit, damn right I wanted to know the rest. Once you do know it's like all the pieces of a jigsaw fall into place and you realise why you felt like you did.

Actually not all the pieces of a jigsaw - some only land years later and you realise the truth of something small that happened, something that was denied or inexplicable at the time.

But I’ve messed up already. He called earlier from work and he could tell something was up. He asked me if I was Ok and I said “I know” and then refused to explain. I told him to go away and think about telling me the truth. He hasn’t even sent a text since the call ended.

A liar isn't going to offer up the truth because you ask them to.

Manage your expectations here, try to get passed needing the truth. You have no control over whether he gives you that or not.
What you actually need to do is decide if you want to be with a liar and a cheat. If the answer is no, you need to put your focus on separating and the logistics of that.
You are wasting time and effort by trying to come up with a way of tricking him or forcing him Into telling the truth. You're focusing on the wrong things.

You've got her address, send her a book on infidelity from your DH.

Just divorce him. You have proof he was planning to meet her and has sent her presents. That’s enough surely?

Rip the plaster off and get him gone.

There is no way on God’s earth that, by sheer coincidence, he was asked to send a series of gifts on behalf of his employer to the woman he had an affair with. Also, nobody would buy any kind of clothes or a book on bloody hormones for a workplace gift.

You can still regain control from this.

An emotional affair, long distance, is a very real possibility, and there are many apps on which they can chat/sext.

I would not say anything more on the matter but observe very carefully.

Put money aside. A little bit here and there. Seek legal advice.

Ply the long game.

I think the messages you received were from her! You could 'show up' at his work to surprise him one day?

The thing is, you don’t know but it very much sounds that you will accept nothing less than him admitting to an affair even if there isn’t one. If there is truly nothing going on between them and he says as much, you are not going to believe him. You only want to confront him because… well, I am not exactly sure.
You said “I know” but the only thing you know is that he sent three very innocent gifts to someone whom you told him not to stay in contact with. The minute you started checking his phone, the relationship was over regardless so just file for divorce.

Probably because there’s so much he isn’t sure what you know.

Chances are if they are meeting, it will be in hotels. Maybe get a PD?

In what way were they 'innocent' gifts?!

I’d be tempted to go old school, write her a letter, you have her address. Ask her what’s been going on, that you need to know what he has been saying and doing over the years to move on with your life and you’re asking her to help you understand. If she tells him, he’ll probably bring it up with you. If she replies, you might get some answers.

You’ve actually done ok with this OP.

He will be panicking about how much you know. STAY SILENT. Just keep repeating that you know everything, and you want him to leave. He will start to confess to the bare minimum, and then a bit more, and then a bit more.

Do not tell him what you know - if he has been sleeping with her he will be relieved that you only know about the gifts and he will lie.

Hold your nerve, say nothing - I guarantee he will start with the “it only happened once, it didn’t mean anything!” within a few days.

You will never know the whole truth and you will drive yourself mad wondering how much more there was than anything you uncover.
So you need to decide if you want to be with him, in which case I would strongly recommend couple's counselling for the breaches of trust, or if you want to leave him you have to make your peace with probably never knowing what really happened.

Why can't people just read the OP and accept that @badgergirl5 wants to get proof and him to admit it as well as letting him know she knows? You might think just giving him divorce papers is what you would want to do and enough for you but this is about her. Respect her choices and advise her as she wants or don't post.

My advice is to think about the outcome you want as that will help you decide how to play it.

If you decide to divorce, get as many financial documents as you can as the minute you tell him he will no longer be on your team and will be put for himself.

I’d just wait to see what he says when he gets home now he knows, well, he knows you’re annoyed about something. I actually think it’ll be really interesting to see what he does or says next - he’ll probably try to work out what it is you know.

i think at some point OP, you need to move past the need for the truth about this situation and look at the bigger picture by deciding what you want - can you put up with the distrust? Can you trust him again? Or do you want something different for yourself? This is regardless of what’s happened with this woman.