To want to catch him in a clever way? Pls help

[badgergirl5]

I think I have just discovered evidence that my husband is having an affair. Please bear with me as I explain the background - I want to be smart about how I confront him and how I make my next move, because I know he will deny it. So I’ve come here to ask for advice and ideas on how to do this. A big part of me just wants to blurt everything out but I know this might be my only chance to know the truth.

This starts all the way back in 2005!! Our kids were babies at the time. I’d had a suspicious feeling that something wasn’t right for a few months so I looked at his phone and found outrageously flirty texts with a woman at work. They were trying to arrange meeting up for a drink and he had actually checked one of the dates with me and told me he’d be going out with a mate. The texts including descriptions of what she was wearing, how she had fancied him and blushed whenever he spoke to her etc etc. I confronted him and he apologised and acted sorry - said he was having a moment of madness, would cancel the evening out with her and break off all contact. But he didn’t let me see the messages he sent to her in order to do this (yes I know this was crazy of me not to insist!!!!).

Three years later I received anonymous text messages telling me he was cheating. I never understood where they came from. He said he had no idea and someone was just trying to cause trouble.

So that brings me to 2024. We have been happily married, at least on the surface, for the last 6 years since those text messages. I have always had an uneasy feeling that he’s a flirt and needs attention from other women but have never known whether he would actually cheat.
Today I was using our shared laptop and he had left his emails open. I don’t even know why given it was YEARS ago, but I searched for that girl’s name. I found 3 separate occasions of him sending presents to her - all the same name and address. Chocolates, clothes and a book (the book actually hurt the most - it was a book about hormones that I have actually read myself. From the date, it looks as though he heard my recommendation and decided to send her one). I find a book about hormones to be a particularly intimate thing to send to someone.

first of all, AIBU to suspect a full blown and potentially long term affair ? If he’s been seeing her, it can’t ever involve overnight stays. He is never away. But I guess he could meet her during the day. Is there any other explanation for still being in contact with her after so many years and sending presents?

I would love advice on how I can play this to be sure before I confront him. How much should I admit I’ve seen?

@HappyHolidays22, I agree. People are so quick to say LTB on here when in reality I often think it's far from that simple. I know people will say OP has admitted to a loveless marriage so should simply leave on that basis, but none of those commenters are living her life. She clearly thinks there's something to work on and hopefully this will build the foundation of a stronger marriage moving forwards. Good luck OP, I hope it works out for you.

I got into my husbands EE account and found all the calls and texts he'd made. They went back 2 years around the time of our 25th wedding anniversary. I found messages on his phone when he said his phone wasn't working when he'd not answered my calls. Turned out he'd swapped SIM cards had a few drinks one night and forgot to swap it back. Can you get access to his phone bills?

Op, you jumped to conclusions and MN pushed and pushed you to believe that they were real while people like me who urged caution were castigated by those out for blood. I am relieved that you are going through the process of discovering for yourself if this relationship has a future or not. That has to be entirely your decision. Good luck.

I don't really feel like her reply proves there was no affair. She's not exactly going to reply saying "enjoyed the sex we had last month!" A friendly reply with emojis to me sounds in line with what an affair partner could sound like. I mean, why DID he delete the chat if all the messages were just friendly? I highly doubt they were all like that, it wouldn't make sense to delete if they were.

Also the colleague confirming her time in hospital isn't proof either, her being ill doesn't mean nothing happened. But if you're satisfied that's all that matters I suppose. As long as you can trust him.

If you’ve been on the warpath for weeks and wanting to get into private messages, why would he assume the woman and colleagues were safe from you for verification purposes?

He’s had plenty of time to prepare them, especially if he told them you were making family life hell and this would settle you down.

If it is as innocent as this, why go to such extreme lengths to lie to you and gaslight you?

If you want to stay with him, we can all understand that and won’t give you a hard time. I am keeping all my fingers crossed for you that this will result in a happy and healthy marriage, that is not filled with suspicion and checking and lies. I wish you all the very best. I hope all your outcomes will be good.

Best of luck OP! Thanks for the update. May he endeavour to deserve you ❤️

OP I trust you are doing so already but ignore the messages that clearly don’t have your best interest at heart. Those with the undertone of I told you so.

Life is not black and white.

I’m glad you’ve got to the bottom of everything. Yeah there are problems with your marriage but I suppose very few people have a perfect one. Good luck x

Thanks for the update OP and good to hear you are feeling positive.
It’s a good sign that he is willing to try therapy. But I would be wary still. You may not want to split but it will take a lot to rebuild from here. I would personally never be ok with him deleting the WhatsApp because the contents would have upset you. What on earth was in that chat that he felt the need to delete it all?

He sent her messages he knew you wouldn’t like, then refused to show them as he knew they were incriminating.

The one text back and forth that you’ve seen really doesn’t show anything concrete, I don’t think she’d send sexts in response to a bland message you’d dictated. There’s also a chance he has already warned her, so she’s playing it friendly now.

It doesn’t look good that he knew this woman was a problem in your marriage previously but still took the lead on sending client gifts to her (and the still unexplained chocolates?) when that easily could have been assigned to another team member, assistant or intern.

It is great that he is willing to try therapy but it’s worth remembering what you want out of this - do you want to be able to trust him again? Do you need a stronger marriage so that he doesn’t feel the need to pursue other women? You should probably get some therapy too. Good luck.

I was wondering if he has been pursuing the other woman on WhatsApp but she’d turned him down? That could explain why he’s ashamed /embarrassed to show the messages, and her demeanour is friendly over text still as they’re colleagues/clients.

You can still retrieve the WhatsApp chat, there are several apps that make it possible. They’re all easily googlable.

But that’s what I would do. I’m not Op and I’m not judging if she wants to move past it.

I’m one of the sceptical posters and I’m honest in admitting that- it doesn’t however mean that I don’t wish OP well. Of course I wish her happiness and peace. I do however strongly believe the husband has not disclosed the entire truth and managed to give OP just enough excuse/ reason to keep the marriage going, rather than a 100% full assurance that he is trustworthy and worth staying with. I also agree with pp that the ow could be playing along as she would have had enough time to be warned.
I am not criticising OP’s decision to stay I actually understand why she would choose to take this approach and decide that maybe it’s enough to stay together and keep their life going without breaking the family. I do however believe that deep deep down the OP knows it’s not all ok, he has done things he should have not done, he has hidden them for months, disrespected her. There are deleted conversations he’s openly admitted would make her upset. I don’t think the trust will return , I think it’s just enough to stay together as there is no hard proof of infidelity. There will still be a lot of device checking, questioning of behaviour, whereabouts etc and that’s because the “story” doesn’t line up completely.
I think there are many women who stay in similar circumstances , it’s evident from many MN threads (and real life) and no one can judge that, really.
I do hope I’m wrong, as I said I wish OP all the best.

I'm also sceptical.

The work colleague to whom he sent the message could have been primed.

People who have flings can and do also exchange completely 'normal' messages. I've seen it myself.

Also, devious types who have affairs where they use their phones to communicate via messaging have been known to have opening codes which tell the other person if it's safe to reply as the AP. Something as simple as the way they type 'hello', whether they use a comma, that sort of thing.

febgmt2200 I agree with all three points you made- I’ve witnessed some workplace affairs and seen colleagues cover for others out of simple workplace loyalty. The husband could’ve typed both messages in a way (dictated by op) that is completely unusual to his normal style and therefore triggered alert to be careful when replying and hence a normal response.

Hmm. Good luck to you op.

Did he volunteer up that he'd bought her chocolates too or continue to keep that to himself? Or that he was interacting with her on Strava and deleted her on there? Or what was in the WhatsApp massages he deleted that he said you wouldn't have liked?

I really hope things work out for you. 😔

If you can I'd gently suggest you access some counselling that's just for you. I think that could be really helpful for you to have that safe space to talk through things.

Just to reiterate - you don't need proof. you don't even need to confront him.

Why confront him? Just so he can gaslight you that you're wrong and lie to you? Or tell you its over, she meant nothing, he will change, he's sorry, you're wrong, you're crazy - why are you acting like this? Why bring up the past, you're reaching, you're mad?

Just leave. Divorce? Get out of the relationship. You don't need permission, you don't need the ok to leave. The gut feelings have been there for years....