To want to catch him in a clever way? Pls help

[badgergirl5]

I think I have just discovered evidence that my husband is having an affair. Please bear with me as I explain the background - I want to be smart about how I confront him and how I make my next move, because I know he will deny it. So I’ve come here to ask for advice and ideas on how to do this. A big part of me just wants to blurt everything out but I know this might be my only chance to know the truth.

This starts all the way back in 2005!! Our kids were babies at the time. I’d had a suspicious feeling that something wasn’t right for a few months so I looked at his phone and found outrageously flirty texts with a woman at work. They were trying to arrange meeting up for a drink and he had actually checked one of the dates with me and told me he’d be going out with a mate. The texts including descriptions of what she was wearing, how she had fancied him and blushed whenever he spoke to her etc etc. I confronted him and he apologised and acted sorry - said he was having a moment of madness, would cancel the evening out with her and break off all contact. But he didn’t let me see the messages he sent to her in order to do this (yes I know this was crazy of me not to insist!!!!).

Three years later I received anonymous text messages telling me he was cheating. I never understood where they came from. He said he had no idea and someone was just trying to cause trouble.

So that brings me to 2024. We have been happily married, at least on the surface, for the last 6 years since those text messages. I have always had an uneasy feeling that he’s a flirt and needs attention from other women but have never known whether he would actually cheat.
Today I was using our shared laptop and he had left his emails open. I don’t even know why given it was YEARS ago, but I searched for that girl’s name. I found 3 separate occasions of him sending presents to her - all the same name and address. Chocolates, clothes and a book (the book actually hurt the most - it was a book about hormones that I have actually read myself. From the date, it looks as though he heard my recommendation and decided to send her one). I find a book about hormones to be a particularly intimate thing to send to someone.

first of all, AIBU to suspect a full blown and potentially long term affair ? If he’s been seeing her, it can’t ever involve overnight stays. He is never away. But I guess he could meet her during the day. Is there any other explanation for still being in contact with her after so many years and sending presents?

I would love advice on how I can play this to be sure before I confront him. How much should I admit I’ve seen?

Option 2 and option 3 are the same thing, one just involves lying to your children.

It would be more confusing for your children during Option 3 when they think you’re still happily married and Daddy introduces his new girlfriend to them.

As someone whose parents divorced when I was young, option 3 is a terrible idea. Children pick up on cues, they will know something isn’t right, and they are not being told the truth. This compounds the sadness they’ll feel inevitably when you do tell them. The knowledge that you’ve both kept this big secret from them, a sense of betrayal.

The best thing you can do is divorce but remain very amicable with your ex. My parents didn’t, and still 30 years later they hate each other, use threats and emotional blackmail, and pit my brother and I against each other at every opportunity. Horrendous. It’s taken years and years of counselling to deal with it.

Children can cope with parental divorce but the power to make it as easy as possible for the children lies in your hands OP, and those of your husband.

Kindly, option 3 is the weak option.

You need him out if your house for yours and the kids sake. You can spend money on counselling for the kids if they need it but they are so resilient.

My parents divorced when I was young. They tried to live together for a while and it was an awful environment. The kids won’t thank you for lying to them. You are angry at your husband for lying to you so don’t do the same to your kids

OP's DH seems to be mixing up 'can't restore' with 'won't restore'

Please don't lie to your DCs either directly or by omission. They will not forget it and may struggle to forgive you for it.

My mum and dad split up when I was 9. They both sat me down and said that them being married wasn't working any more, what was going to happen from then on and how everything would work with them not being together. And I accepted all that. And I grew up better for the honesty.
Children are more resilient than you think and option 3 would be an absolute no no for me. As people have said, it's both lying and delaying the inevitable. How can you bring children up telling them to always be honest and how to learn to trust people, then behave like this?
Harsh as it is, you don't trust him, you've been here before and I can't see anything changing from this, he's sneaky and can't provide you with the truth to save his life, or marriage come to that! Just get advice from a solicitor, tell the children the truth and move on.

The OW would have the messages on her device. He needs to ask her to get them downloaded, ironically.

@badgergirl5

See, I can see option 3 as long as he had the children at the 2nd property on a regular schedule AND he didn't treat the family home as 'his home'. In other words, the two of you would live separate lives. I mean, he's doing that mentally and possibly sexually anyway. So let him live as a real bachelor does, responsible for his own 'upkeep'.

What I wouldn't agree to is any arrangement in which he floated in and out of the family home being given the benefits one would give to a good husband and father. Because he is neither of those things.

And remember, you have the right to live as a 'bachelorette' now too. I'm not saying to go out on the piss, just that you can do whatever you want when it's his turn to have the kids.

Option 3- we see the birth of amother Disney dad

Option 3 shouldn’t be on the table.

Divorce isn’t what fucks kids up, it’s everything that came before it and how the parents behave afterwards.

Option 3 will damage your children, whether you think it will or not. Children are not stupid, they pick up on everything- they will know something is wrong and will likely become anxious and upset. It will effect their mental health.

The best thing you can do for your children is model healthy relationships and show them how you set boundaries. You need to be honest with them about splitting and work towards a solid co-parenting relationship. Don’t kid yourself that you can fool them for 8 years, or that they will have no clue what is happening.

It’s ok - the email was a draft that I have been writing and amending over the last 24 hours and the one I ended up sending an hour ago didn’t contain option 3. I have taken on board the advice.
Instead, I said how committed I will be to putting the children first if we end up divorcing, and that I hope he will too. I said the fact that we have two properties means we can take our time to get it right.
He hasn’t replied yet and he has a lot to read. I am going to distract myself with a movie.

If you do option three for six months then divorce the kids will ask questions. They will know you've lied. I am divorcing my husband and my children very much appreciate that's I've answered their questions honestly and not lied at all. I've not treated them like they are too stupid to notice. Kids know more than you think.

Same with my autistic DS. In fact, he actually significantly improved after we split.

Going to mediation and putting together consent orders or a parenting agreement helps. My ex stormed out before we signed the parenting agreement but I unilaterally followed it. He couldn’t be bothered to go to court, didn’t want consent orders and he didn’t want 50:50 shared care. It wasn’t a complete waste of time as I was able to access low cost specialist family counselling for both the kids through mediation.

I did some reading around how to improve things for kids after divorce. There is a usually a temporary adjustment period of 12 to 18 months for most kids but they then settle to the new normal, especially if you have predictable routines in place. Containment of ongoing conflict between parents and the income level of the primary resident parent is the big thing, I think. I was fortunate to have a job and could buy my own place not too far away, so I could keep them at the same school.

@HenndigoOZ same here. I'd not realised just how much he'd been picking up on the tensions in the house.

Kids pick up on so much more than we realise. ...... OP this is why your option three is making some of us concerned.

I think option 3 sounds good. In that time, you may realise you're better off without him or he may realise how stupid he's been. Children need both parents. Much respect to you for thinking of what is better for your children, it takes a big ❤️ heart.

No advice that hasn’t been given but just wanted to say you are doing great. There will be dark hours, dark days and may be even dark weeks but the sun will shine through more and more as time goes on. Hang in there.

My parents went for option 3 and it was not a great time in our household. No arguments or anything, but a strange atmosphere that lead me and my siblings to feeling like we had to jolly them along. It was also confusing when they actually did divorce fully as my siblings and I questioned everything leading up to this and felt mislead.

I can see why you might think it’s the easiest and least scary option, but kids aren’t daft. They will know things aren’t right. I wish my parents had just divorced and got on with it. Yes, it’s a shock but it doesn’t have to be like you are imagining. Your kids don’t have to have the experience of divorce that you claim other children have.

Just be aware that men in this option 3 type situation can move on very fast into a new relationship. Your h seems the type to need / seek female attention and will probably feel sorry for himself during the trial separation.
My ex who had emotional affairs moved very fast and found someone even while he was begging me to take him back. He put his profile up on a dating site.

He even told his girlfriend that they would finish if I took him back before the divorce. She was desperate for a man though and hung around during the 12 month waiting period to initiate a divorce, still dating him. She was a practicing Christian too! So if your h looks good on paper (ie has a job) he will attract interest if he puts himself out there.

Thinking about you this morning OP, all the social media valentines stuff etc is the last thing you need today. I hope that whatever happened last night, you got through it. Just thinking about your concern that what’s app messages can’t be restored. If this is still an option, get him to give you his phone. Then take it to a tech expert. That way you will know for sure if they can be restored. No need to rely on him doing it.

I don't understand why so many people are being so negative about the short term living across both properties.

So many friends have had to live under the same roof whilst navigating the house sale and divorce as they've had no alternative, and the children have been exposed to months of turbulent conflict and an incredibly toxic home.

So what if you don't tell them the truth straight away, many couples also work through things at a later date. I feel that's worse for the kids to be told we are splitting up, now mummy and daddy have sorted it out, but actually it's still not right so we are splitting again. A short term breather in both houses allows you both to work through this emotionally and without involving your children when you're getting your own heads around it.

I think you’re still having trouble facing the reality of the situation which is completely understandable.

you’ve just been dealt a curve ball and you’re doing anything to try and keep your life as it is.

hit practically this does not help you move on. It’s also unfair to live a lie to your kids. I know someone whose parents did this and it has left her with a lot of issues.

your children will be upset but they will adapt and if both parents are happy, the damage is minimal.

@baytreelane23 thank you and I agree. Fair enough - the way I worded option 3 wasn’t right or healthy and I didn’t send that to him in the end. But asking him to move into the other place if we decide to get divorced, while we work out what/ when/ how to tell the children, surely can’t be a bad thing.

@jenny38 thank you this is a good idea.
He read my (very long) message last night and he replied to say he wants to think about everything and address everything I’ve raised properly (plus another attempt to beg/ declare love etc).
He certainly hasn’t reached the angry phase and continues to be sorry. In the meantime, I have a PI looking into various things that he’s said to check whether they are true. So if he’s still lying, he will already have blown it.

I thought he was definitely out of he refused to restore the WhatsApp messages ...which he is refusing to do. It is very hard for you and I can understand why you are trying to find other options but I'm concerned that you have changed from nott believing him when he said he can't restore the WhatsApps to wanting to believe him. I'm sorry op but I think that if you said you've found a super techy person who restores for a living and he's coming round tomorrow that phone would suddenly be 'lost'. You could tell him that you've found someone when you're face to face. Ask him to leave his phone with you and watch his reaction. I'm afraid though even if he remains cool I wouldn't believe him .. he may or may not have cheated but his total refusal to let you see speaks to or itself regarding how inappropriate for a married man they were. It's understandable that you are looking for ways to either save your marriage or delay the inevitable. You must do whatever you think best and not being too swayed by posters on here. None of us are the ones who have to face it all
However you have posted for opinions and my opinion is that option 3 is the worst possible option. He will have to be; in the other house a lot ...alone? Having been told it is for a period until the kids are older and you are not really married? What do you think the outcome of this will be . .with someone who has already cheated? Free to do what he likes ...have any female 'friends' over he likes. He will be so indignant if you complained .. haven't you said we're over in all but name? He will be able to have his cake and eat it and you will be even more hurt watching it all pan out and no way the best option for your children.
I think you know he's either cheated or come very close with inappropriate flirtation. You either need to talk honestly together, agree together on working, with councelors possibly, to save your marriage. Put lots of boundaries in place that you really believe he is on side with , or call it a day . Anything else just prolongs the agony and leaves you in a very vulnerable place where you have really relented on all fronts. Good luck going forward op. 💐.

@shiningstar2 he IS definitely out if he refuses to restore the messages. That’s what my email to him says.