AIBU naive about what a year 9 party looks like?

[Pandadunks]

DD has a friendship grp where we are also good friends with the parents. Kids are all Year 9 so age 13/14.
One kid has been invited to a house party at a school friends place, and has been told they can bring a few guests.
Our DD can’t go anyway, but the other parents were discussing this and a couple have said yes - their child can go even though they don’t know the parents of the boy throwing the party, and don’t know anyone else invited.
2 Parents have said no way because they don’t know the family etc and that the party will just be a load of teens smoking, vaping, taking drugs and drinking.

I said - there’s no way they’d be taking drugs at a party at that age and everyone laughed! Apparently because we live in a city OF COURSE the kids will be smoking weed, taking ketamine and god knows what else at a party!

Am I just horribly out of touch? DD is on the young side and hasn’t been to any parties at all that aren’t pizza restaurant or cinema for a birthday type thing.

YANBU - they’re too young, at 13/14 they’ll barely have alcohol there

YABU - you’re naive! It’ll be full on drugs, and everything else

It's not surprising when you think about it. Basically a year spent at home with your parents when you really should be out and getting your independence.

‘My ds who goes out once in a blue moon went to a 13/14 year old party. Mother of the birthday person was there, we had the address etc however it was made clear in advance that things like wkd / shandy would be on offer unless parents explicitly said their child could not. ‘

While I had a very sedate teen hood as it were, I more than made up for it in my 20s, big clubber etc
But I’ll be FUCKED if I am ever going to supervise a party for 13 and 14 year old kids where I supply alcohol and tell parents they have to opt out if they don’t want it served…

I think my point is that at 16 I would not be surprised at this.

At 13, I'd judge the parents. Sorry but it's some exploitative stuff being described

A 13 year old choosing not to drink, vape and perform sexual acts in a field does not make them 'socially behind'.

In terms of COVID impacts when students started our High school when the year groups were still separated the year 7s continued playing playground games well into year 7 which was lovely. Normally on a mixed playground they realise by the first couple of days that 'tag' doesn't cut it and stop playing which is a shame. I was still at junior school in year 7 having attended a first-middle-high system

When working in a secondary there is a clear divide between those with more unsupervised time whether through being a 'latch key' child or those who aren't cared for adequately and the things they are allowed to get up to even year 7s smoking on the way to school and those whose parents are more involved or just a child with a quieter personality who wouldn't want to drink, vape and have relationships at that age.

A 13 year old choosing not to drink, vape and perform sexual acts in a field does not make them 'socially behind'.

I don't think anyone said it did, but I do think there's a noticeable difference between 13 year olds today and 13 year olds 20 years ago in terms of behaviour and their hobbies and social lives.

My daughter is in year 10, there’s a minority of kids who are vaping, having sex, smoking weed and drinking, but the majority don’t seem to be. Last year it was even fewer that were getting up to those things.

My son is 20 and it was the same when he was that age. He
went to a few parties after GCSEs where most were drinking but they were 15/16 by then. My son was one of the oldest in his year so he was 16, almost 17 and was honest that he would have a few drinks. He definitely wasn’t doing it in year 9.

It depends on the group. Some kids (and parents) like to think it’s a sign of maturity to be doing these things at a young age, my kids thought/think these kids are immature and they say it’s the troublesome ones who are doing it all very young.

The parties in year 9/10 were usually cinema/pizza/theme parks/gaming. If there were house parties the parents were there and there was no alcohol.

I’ve allowed both of my children to have occasional alcohol at home with us from 15 so I’m not unrealistic or overly strict. I know kids drink before 18 but smoking weed, vaping and having sex in year 9, I feel sorry for kids who do that. Something has gone very wrong for that to be happening.

I was a teen in the 90s and we used to drink from 14 in the park. My parents were shit though. I still wasn’t smoking and having sex at 14, only a small minority were.

I don't think anyone said it did, but I do think there's a noticeable difference between 13 year olds today and 13 year olds 20 years ago in terms of behaviour and their hobbies and social lives.

That's a good thing. Most kids seemed feral back then, so many parents had no clue what their kids were doing or where they were. It was neglect really.

People really looks down on that sort of parenting now thankfully. Parents are a bit more paranoid about safety but that’s no bad thing on the whole and mobile phones have changed things. I think lots of us look back on our childhood, know the bad situations we got in and want better for their own children.

I’m in my 30s and this was normal where I grew up! My 14th birthday was err…messy let’s say.

It depends on the group

There was no drugs or smoking at my DDs Year 9 party and I didn’t provide alcohol because it’s not appropriate at that age, particularly where other people’s kids that you might not know so well are concerned. It was also primarily girls and just a handful of boys.

It was still an absolute shit show tbh. As well as having a now 19yo DD I’ve worked in secondary schools for 8 years and Yr 9 is pretty much consistently the year from hell in terms of friendships going south, back biting, boyfriend/girlfriend troubles.

Whilst the specifics depend on the friendship group it’s more than likely some will bring alcohol and fags and entirely possible that drugs could be gotten hold of…and I live in medium size town, not a city.

You’re not necessarily being wholly naive, but your friends certainly aren’t exaggerating or being dramatic either.

Drinking (and vaping) by age 14 definitely plausible! I remember kids were drinking by this age either in the park or at house parties 30 years ago, can’t imagine it’s hugely different now?! But of course it won’t be everyone’s cup of tea (or cheap cider)

No I don't think there would be drugs or smoking at 13. Maybe a snog lol

I base this on my 13 year old who is always doing his hair and covered in aftershave but no chance of anything else.

I was this age in the 90s too and would go to drink/smoking/weed/snog and fumble parties at from 13ish but I was also happy with pizza, cinema or a sleepover type party.

I didn’t have one of those parties though as I didn’t want to be responsible for thy in my house.

My son is 14 and none of his particular circle of friends are doing that yet. They're still in the playing football, watching Mr Bean, playing Fifa/fortnight stage.
However, some of his old classmates are defintiely out vaping, drinking, roaming about and getting into mischief as we hear about it on the grapevine. County lines is a bit rife round our town so there's no way I'm letting him stray too far until he's a bit wiser.

Yes smoking, drinking and weed started at 13/14 with my friends at school

My Dd is 14 - Y10.

It never crosses my mind that drink might be involved in their socialising.

But then. I remember that at 12/13 we were having sleepovers at my Jayne's house, stealing her mums fags and drinking Liebfraumilch while watching the sexy bits of films on loop 🤣🫣

I genuinely wouldn't describe anyone from my childhood as "feral" - that's an awful way to describe someone.

Child of the 90s.... some that age were having sex, weed etc (tbh a small few)....most just watched movies, had pizza and pop corn and got excited as they had coka cola .it's a range . I know my mum in the 60s say the same... I bet you could say the same going back to roman times. .

The current cohort of Y9s here have a reputation for being some of the worst for a while. A fairly large group have been running riot, setting fires, terrorising the playground for a couple of years now...but there arexeven more kids on the margins of that group at risk of being drawn in.

I think they were the most let down by covid, old enough to be left online all day, go out side when restrictions partially lifted and basically just went feral.

I can't speak for others but my 13 year old DD would shit her pants at the type of party you described. We had a party on NYE and our neighbours 15 year old son had a couple of ciders and she was shocked 😲. Weird because I used to drink and smoke at 15 and I don't wrap her in cotton wool, she just doesn't have friends who do it I guess.

Varies massively as others have said. But surely your best source of info here will be your child. Do you have an open and honest relationship with them? If so, ask them - they will have a fair idea of who in their year group vapes/drinks/takes drugs/has sex.

I have always encouraged my daughter (currently 12, mature for her age) to be honest with me by telling her I will never condemn her or hate her whatever her choices. She knows I don't drink and why, but that I expect she is likely to try alcohol at some point but I would urge her to be careful with it. Same with drugs. She is very anti-smoking (more or less threw me a party when I gave up) so I don't worry about her smoking/vaping - v unlikely!

She has a boyfriend already (younger than I would like but pleased she told me - was one of her best friends now "dating") so underage sex is also a worry for me (not yet thank God - but I worry she won't wait till 16 which would be my preference). But all I can do is talk to her totally honestly - tell her my views and why I hold them - but above all reassure her nothing she ever does will make me hate her and she can always tell me anything and come to me for help if she needs it.

So when parties of this kind start up (and her cohort are not quite there yet) I am hopeful I can openly ask her what she is expecting to go on in terms of drink, drugs, sex etc in each case, and we can plan a cours of action together.

I mean, God knows. I am sounding here like I think I'm an expert parent and I am FAR from that. But I do think honesty and communication is key.

I genuinely wouldn't describe anyone from my childhood as "feral" - that's an awful way to describe someone.

I would and did. Just saying what I experienced myself and saw in others. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Dictionary definition:

(of a young person) behaving in a wildly undisciplined and antisocial way.

• "gangs of feral youths"

That is accurate for my experience of growing up in the 90s in an average area.

Sums up 1994 quite accurately!

100% this. My DD knows she can tell me everything and she does (TMI at times)! but she says that many of her friends don't talk to their mums because they're embarrassed or scared of getting in trouble. My DD is very sensible at the moment but that could change as she gets older but she knows she can always come to me with anything.

I have to say that seems like a very extreme description to me.

For me, feral children are like the ones you see on documentaries - broken homes, addicted parents and nobody to give a toss about them.

Teenagers who experiment with smoking and drinking are definitely not what I'd describe as feral!