AIBU naive about what a year 9 party looks like?

[Pandadunks]

DD has a friendship grp where we are also good friends with the parents. Kids are all Year 9 so age 13/14.
One kid has been invited to a house party at a school friends place, and has been told they can bring a few guests.
Our DD can’t go anyway, but the other parents were discussing this and a couple have said yes - their child can go even though they don’t know the parents of the boy throwing the party, and don’t know anyone else invited.
2 Parents have said no way because they don’t know the family etc and that the party will just be a load of teens smoking, vaping, taking drugs and drinking.

I said - there’s no way they’d be taking drugs at a party at that age and everyone laughed! Apparently because we live in a city OF COURSE the kids will be smoking weed, taking ketamine and god knows what else at a party!

Am I just horribly out of touch? DD is on the young side and hasn’t been to any parties at all that aren’t pizza restaurant or cinema for a birthday type thing.

YANBU - they’re too young, at 13/14 they’ll barely have alcohol there

YABU - you’re naive! It’ll be full on drugs, and everything else

That's our experience. My DD is at the trampolining / pizza / cinema end but I hear plenty of tales of big parties, drink, defo vapes and I suspect at the far end, drugs & sex

My parents thought I was doing lots of nice, wholesome activities when I was 13-14 too.

I definitely wasn't

That's really sad for you. It's not normal to drink/take drugs or have sex at such a young age.

I was 14 once too and certainly not doing any of those things as I had lovely normal parents and went to a very normal school with no swingers parties for 13/14-year-olds. I don't feel I missed out 🤷‍♀️

I don't need to be patronised, lol.

I don't regret it. I had a great time.

I know my 14yo doesn't as he's either at home with us or at known friend's houses with parents there. Not because I'm wrapping him in cotton wool, but because that's how he chooses to spend his time.
I'm not naive. I was in the drinking / inappropriate touching group when I was 14. Not quite there with drugs and sex, mind. My DM genuinely had no idea that I wasn't at the cinema, at x's house etc. those were the days before "find my iPhone"
I'm waiting to requests to parties such as these to start. But much as my DC and his friends like to talk like mini roadman, they're all pretty sweet and innocent as yet!

Haha! Year 9 was Diamond White and fingering. So somewhere between the two extremes 😁

And re the OP's post, if my son did get invited to something like this, I would be that embarrassing parent that insisted on speaking to the parent at the house the party was being held in, I'm afraid. If o couldn't do that for any reason, he would not be going.

HAHAHA!!!! This!!!!

@lifeispainauchocolat

How sad, I'm sorry your childhood was like that. Hopefully you can use your own lessons to help your children to have a better less sordid experience of being a kid.

I have to admit, I do find it amusing that nobody is admitting that their teens smoke, vape, drink or fool around with the opposite sex...while at the same time admitting that they lied to their own parents and did it all themselves at the same age!

I really don't need your fake pity, thanks

Well I went to a few parties at that sort of age where there were drugs, and I'm mid thirties now. I can only imagine what it's like these days.

When I was 13/14 in the 90s the parties I went to were very innocent. No drinking, drugs, sex.
Really depends on the circle of friends. But I know things are different now too.

Not in my experience!

At DS2's 14th birthday party one lad brought a 4 pack of beer and DS1 tipped it down the sink and told his brother not to tolerate bad influences 😂 (occasionally the rigid ASD thinking works in our favour).

Neither DS1 nor DS2 drink much, nor do their close mates. Their generation is so much more puritanical about booze, and think it's waste of money that could be spent buying video games. Much more geeky than hard partying.

With DD, the drinking at parties started at 16. 14 was still pizza and sleepovers and movies. Drug use started around 16 too - mostly weed, a few doing ketamine, the idiots.

From experience teen parties seem a lot tamer than when I was a teen 😬, my teen years were pretty wild and my parents were never too bothered about where I was or what I was up too. I went to several parties where parents allowed alcohol and by the time I was 14/15 there was sex and weed. I was never a big drinker (am now t total) but the offer was often there at parties and sleep overs from the age of 13. Luckily my own dd hasn’t experienced this and the parties she seems to go too involve playing board games and a dominoes.

It’s a tricky age and it will depend what crowd she’s in with. All you can do is talk to them about making good choices and not following what others do just to fit in. My dd is now 20 and doesn’t drink, she goes to lots of parties and none involve drugs, drink is optional and she chooses not too.

I would think it’s unlikely for a 13/14 year old party to have drugs and sex and a small chance of alcohol and vaping.

My DC in Y9 was spending all her time at the stables being very wholesome and outdoors. Only recently found out what was going on - very unwholesome indeed!

My daughter went to a y9 14 year old party the other week - no drink, drugs or vaping! Parents firm on the numbers and it was a mix of mainly girls and few boys.

Though it could be just her wider group, I know friends have had issues with their y9 teens mainly with vaping & weed in the vape - I’m not sure what that means ! But apparently they can buy vapes that you add weed too.
Drinking doesn’t seem the thing yet.

I think with my eldest it seemed more later in y10 taking alcohol to parties.

Stables have got a bit of name round here, quite a lot of mixing of ages and sexes without adult supervision for hours on end at the weekends ...

Exactly that I was doing all of the above at that age. Not ketamine though as it wasn't a thing then!

my 15 yr old sister (big age gap) was resuscitated last week from taking ketamine with her pals. It was 50/50 if she would survive. Paramedics did a wonderful job and revived her. She now has a chest full broken ribs from the cpr and a hell of a lot of explaining to do. Also from a tiny sleepy village so I don’t think the city has any bearing on this stuff

‘

‘Did you really not go to parties where people were drinking at age 14?’

ha, no. I did not. I was a good girl who studied, and stayed home most weekend night til I was 18. I wasn’t into boys so that helped… I avoided most places drunk boys might..

I think it's as broad as adult parties i.e. if entirely depends on who you hang around with and what you/they like to get up to. I never went to a party that had any of those things and wanst exposed to drinking/smoking/drugs/sex while socialising with peers until I went to university. It certainly was rife in my school though, I just didn't happen to be close enough friends with those people to ever see them outside school. The people I did see outside of school did other things to socialise and so it was never a factor. That said it was only ever small groups of us though, ans i feel that was key. I suspect that a big party with lots of kids will always have some elements of drink, drugs etc as that is part of the appeal of getting together en masse.

It depends on the teen. I've said YANBU as I think ketamine unlikely. Sex for some, vaping for most, definitely alcohol with a mix of sensible and wasted.

Some of the stories DS has told me now he's older, I think weed, drink and some shagging definitely. Not from all of them obviously but there will be a few of them doing some or all of the aforementioned. I thought DS was really sweet and innocent at that age but apparently him and his lovely chums are not so lovely (they are actually all lovely lads but you know what I mean!).