To not be a guarantor for my sister

[PinkShimmerSparkle]

Even though this means they and their 3 children might become homeless.
My DSis and her DH are not fantastic with money, I always assumed that they made sure that bills, mortgage etc were paid and all their nights out and their regular purchases of new technology, holidays etc were bought from disposable income but in hindsight it is obvious that they were always spending beyond their means, this is none of my business and I absolutely would never get involved or say anything.
They have both been working until recently when her DH left his job, she tells me that they have missed one mortgage payment and have now been issued an eviction notice.
They are looking at renting but everything requires a guarantor and she has asked me and DH to be one, as she knows we both earn and can save every month, but this is only because we are careful with what we spend.
I have said no but feel bad that they might become homeless.
AIBU?

I agree that the OP doesn’t need to justify her decision but if she wants to shut down criticism from extended family, she could mention that they don’t qualify as they don’t earn enough. That would shut everyone up as you can’t argue with that.

It’s not justification, it’s taking control of the narrative.

And I did say it’s what I do with my siblings and that I’m not saying that OP shouod do the same.

Every family dynamic is different, OP knows hers better than you do.

You can be hard up and still be living beyond your means buying takeaways and alcohol.

It does say that they aren't willing to engage with their money issues however.

You haven’t made her homeless. Unfortunately she has brought this upon themselves, by living beyond their means and/or jgnoring all the previous warning letters. Banks nowadays will try and help people in trouble by extending the mortgage term loan (therefore reducing monthly outgoings), have a mortgage payment holiday etc.

Shes showing her true colours.

And I wouldn’t say you don’t qualify, because by doing that, it shows you’ve actively been looking into it and considering it (even though you haven’t). Or use it as a last resort.

Step 1 !

@PinkShimmerSparkle

She left a voice message that was nasty about how I was leaving her DC homeless with my selfishness and she was going to make sure everyone in our extended family knew this

Let her do this and, if you get blowback from anyone, tell them you can't afford to be her guarantor, but suggest as they feel so strongly they look at taking up this burden instead. 🌹

Yes and if anything why doesn’t she blame her partner for quitting his job instead of pinning the blame on her sister ?

It’s best if OP doesn’t even say anything. Because even she could be a guarantor it would not be in her interests to do so. So they need to know out of principle she won’t be bailing them out. Not now and not in the future

. I had a cousin who would pop up out of the blue asking for money for her and her 4 kids. I would help but started to say no when my employment became unstable . looking back I should probably just have told her to focus on making sure her husband and father of all 4 of her children brought home his whole pay check because it was due to his misuse of money she was asking others for help.

OP, A family that will judge or ostracise you for making a smart decision like this aren’t worth being close to anyway.

My extended family already think badly of me because I keep low contact with my immediate family

It sounds like there are lots of family members for her to ask to be guarantors.

The whole lot of them sound like a nightmare. Stay strong, OP!

OMG @PinkShimmerSparkle your latest update is mental!!
remember YOU are not making her DC anything!… THEY are making their DC homeless because they have prioritised holidays and booze over paying their mortgage!
As others have said, don’t feel
guilty blocking your whole family
if you need to… I’ve learned over the years that sometimes the pain family being means they don’t enrich your life and they just need to be blocked!
My life is so much better since I blocked my DB & SIL…. Non of us need toxic people in ur lives!

We have a couple of relatives in my family like this. Ive said repeatedly to my parents that you could give them a million pounds each today and they would be back begging again in a month. You cannot help people like this by giving them money as that isnt the issue. The issues is the absolute lack of ability to manage it.

SHE has potentially left her children without a roof over their heads with her mismanagement of their money and frivolous spending, not you!

I defo wouldn't do it. I had no idea what it really entailed till I was watching a show on landlords/tenants and they were basically chasing the elderly father who was paying his whole pension in as he was guarantor for his son. Son didn't care and old man was heartbroken. He ended up taking full responsibility for the debt and no one was bothering to chase the son, straight to him.

You are a much better person than I am. Before I blocked her, I would have responded, "No, the only ones making your DC potentially homeless is YOU and your DH! You drink, go on holidays, have takeaway, but cannot support your children? Really lousy parenting from the two of you. Oh, I also know you lied about only missing one payment. Even if I could be a guarantor for you, I would not because I doubt you'd keep up with any of the payments. Your reputation and actions have shown that to be the most possible outcome. Tell whomever you want. Let THEM be your guarantor if they get pissed at me, because we say, not only "NO!" but "HELL NO!". Now go get pissed off because you are blocked."

I still have her and BIL blocked so no idea what messages, if any, have been sent. However the inevitable calls from my parents came today, the first call was when I was at work and didn’t have time to answer but I was left a very casual voicemail asking me to call when I had a minute. Not even 30 minutes later before a flurry of calls. So I decided not to call until after work as I knew it wouldn’t be pleasant.
They called again this evening and asked why I thought it was ok to leave my sis and her family homeless. I replied with I am not leaving them homeless, they are the ones that didn’t pay their mortgage so they are the ones that will be making themselves homeless. I allowed them to rant on and then said thank you for calling and goodbye. I hung up and blocked them.
I have decided no contact is the only way forward, I have reached a point where I have realised that I am a better more calm person without them, I’ve tried to work out what value they bring to my life but it’s nothing. So I have removed and blocked them from social media sadly this includes her DC as she would definitely try to use them to get to me.

Wow sounds like you really left them no option. I may have missed this up thread so apologies if I have but if your parents feel so strongly about helping her, why aren’t they a guarantor?

Sorry that you experienced this, OP. Your parents must be very naive if they think that your sister and her DH aren’t responsible for the situation and that it’s probably far more serious than she’s admitted to anyone (I.e., they must be in major mortgage arrears). Acting as their guarantor at this point won’t even resolve the situation.

As @IgglePiggledidawiggle says, they can help her if they wish to-and take on £££££ of debt.

Blocking and going NC is definitely the right thing to do in this situation. As you correctly say, they bring zero value to your life. Enjoy the peace and quiet xx

Can’t be easy, but you’re better off without all the drama.

This.

I have decided no contact is the only way forward, I have reached a point where I have realised that I am a better more calm person without them, I’ve tried to work out what value they bring to my life but it’s nothing.

It can be difficult for family members to see the truth especially where one sibling is more 'vocal' than the other so they tend to just want the quieter one to deal with the mess as it gets the 'vocal' one off of their own backs.

You've done the right thing in blocking and going no contact.
It always amazes me that there are people out there that contribute so little to a person's life yet want a big say in what they should and shouldn't do and how to run it.

@IgglePiggledidawiggle They are retired and even if they weren’t it would be my responsibility to bail my sister out.
@BruFord not naive they will be fully aware that she has done this to herself but they have always found a way to blame me. They have always emotionally manipulated me and as a child I was repeatedly told everything was my fault, I constantly lived on eggshells to scared breath a lot of the time.
@Crumpleton I learned very young that if I was vocal or not, I really didn’t matter.

OP FWIW, I would be tempted to set the family straight and make it clear you didn't say no out of snobbery, but because you don't actually earn enough to be accepted as guarantors. And your sister is utterly out of order to suggest you have made her children homeless - keeping a roof over her own family's head is her responsibility not yours, that she spends money she doesn't have on things she doesn't need and jeopardises their safety by defaulting on rent, while you go without such things because you can't afford them after paying for necessities.

They can judge you if they want, but they at least have a version of the facts straight.

@PinkShimmerSparkle

Go, you!! I'm glad you reached the end of your tether and blocked them all. Your life will be so much more peaceful. But, beware the flying monkeys that may come your way for a little while. People like your sister and your parents usually have others who will try to 'mediate' on their behalf.

@PinkShimmerSparkle

Well done for blocking them all. Your family sounds toxic.

It's absolutely not your fault and it's so wrong of your parents to blame you.

Your sister got herself into debt by living beyond her means and has clearly been burying her head in the sand as its months of letters before a bank will repossess a house.