To not be a guarantor for my sister

[PinkShimmerSparkle]

Even though this means they and their 3 children might become homeless.
My DSis and her DH are not fantastic with money, I always assumed that they made sure that bills, mortgage etc were paid and all their nights out and their regular purchases of new technology, holidays etc were bought from disposable income but in hindsight it is obvious that they were always spending beyond their means, this is none of my business and I absolutely would never get involved or say anything.
They have both been working until recently when her DH left his job, she tells me that they have missed one mortgage payment and have now been issued an eviction notice.
They are looking at renting but everything requires a guarantor and she has asked me and DH to be one, as she knows we both earn and can save every month, but this is only because we are careful with what we spend.
I have said no but feel bad that they might become homeless.
AIBU?

That's not the only reason. The other reason is to let them know in advance that OP and her DH will not be getting involved and will not communicate any more on the subject. OP doesn't have a good relationship her parents anyway and thinks that sooner or later the parents will be in touch to try to persuade them to be guarantors. Hence, knock it on the head now.

Fair point @DeeLusional . Family and money is so tricky.

Well done op. You’ve done the right thing.

@PinkShimmerSparkle

I think I'd message her "This issue certainly does involve DH because that's the way our marriage works. We make all financial decisions together and the two of us have made the joint decision not to be your guarantor. So you need to drop it. If you don't I will have to strongly consider blocking you. I may also have to consider calling our parents and letting them know your situation".

The last would be an empty threat, if I were you I wouldn't do it. But I would block her if she doesn't drop it.

Nah, OP's DH's request to not engage any more is the only sensible option.

How is it not your DH's business? It's his money too! She would be happy for his money to help bail her out, but thinks he's not entitled to an opinion? Shows you what her attitude would be like down the line if she defaulted on rent.

You have definitely made the right decision. A friend lost her entire savings and ended up with a county court judgement against her name because the family member she had acted as a guarantor for couldn't/wouldn't pay their bills. Going forward, I would respectfully suggest a period of no contact with your sister.

@PinkShimmerSparkle your dh is right. You have done so much, so well, to move on from your past. I'm glad you have such a supportive dh. Treasure each other.

This was a terrible message to be honest.

It's brilliant that he's setting strong boundaries, but openly judging them (correctly - but no good can come of this) will do nothing but hurt them and damage your relationship with them. It was unnecessary and will cause you more problems in your life, this time personal problems between you and your sister. And this message will definitely get back to your parents who will take sides.

He should have just said "we will not be helping you out and you need to seek help from all the agencies out there that are trained in this. All future communication about this will be met with silence from us." That was sufficient and not offensive.

I totally understand your sister and BIL deserve to be called out for trying to trick you into being dragged down into their self-inflicted financial ruin - but in reality there is no way of doing this without scorching the earth.

DH received a message back saying stay out of this

Sadly I'm not at all surprised. Clearly your brilliant DH has the best handle on this - no disrespect OP, but he doesn't have the same emotional involvement with her as you do - so naturally she'd rather target the one she considers most likely to bend

Be prepared for messages about "her kids suffering", but also know you're doing exactly the right thing

There are more qualities and aspects to the relationships I have with people than just how good they are at juggling money
I 'get' what you're saying and I would be the same in certain situations.

I wouldn't "sub the feckless" but neither would I be abrupt in the way I refused help either
What I wouldn't do is start a post for the purpose of feeling superior about a family member who could very well identify themselves from such a post with all the 'new technology' they are constantly purchasing whilst spending all the 'disposable income' I innocently 'assumed' they had 🫢
Took a long time and a lot of, almost gleeful, derision before we learnt that you obviously don't like her and don't have a relationship with her anyway. And this thread is passive aggressive enough without sending an unnecessary pa message as one poster suggested. Don't do that.

Your DH has stepped in to save the day so now all you need to do is block and move on. Job done. It's not like you were ever really going to consider doing it. Who would? Not me. Not a single person on this thread. As the 'better sister', time to rise above and not engage any further

Please don't be tempted to make one last reply.

In situations like this, it is the better part of valour to let the antagonist have the last word.

On mn your dh is a rare gem op. So glad you have a Good Un....
Silence is golden. Do not respond to her message.

Never never. They not telling the whole story. A bank never do that on one missed payment. You risk your home and finances re this. It's a huge no. No no no

I'd be tempted to block her!!

It has EVERYTHING to do with you both... how can she possibly think that potentially increasing your family spending by over £1000 a month or ending up with paying huge legal costs and / or a court judgment has nothing to do with him?

Don't respond to her - I can't believe she's trying a divide and conquer stategy over this she needs you BOTH to agree

Yanbu they are not being honest with you. You dont get evicted if you have a mortgage and not if you missed one payment only. They are adults they need to take responsibility!

Perhaps her DH could send the crux of the message@AcrossthePond55 so the OP doesn’t get further dragged in?

We make all financial decisions together and the two of us have made the joint decision not to be your guarantor.

<long low whistle> your sis is a piece of work isn't she op!! Telling your dh to butt out when it's his financial security too which she is asking to put at risk to support her.
That is some brass neck.
She is either desperate and thinks cutting him out and leaving on you is most likely to get her what she wants, or, she has no idea what a guarantor is and thinks it's just a signature on a bit of paper. So ruthless or clueless... Neither of which are qualities you want in someone who can pull the financial rug from under you.

Well done you for saying no, and well done your DH for having your back so well and understanding you and your family.

I think she’s both, @ArchetypalBusyMum , they’ve massively mismanaged their finances and now they’re in real trouble so they’ll do/say anything to get out of it, without considering the consequences for the OP’s family.

Oh Pink I've been in the same boat with feckless family. Luckily a friend who's an accountant at a bank looked over their affairs and said don't touch this with a bargepole.

They did lose the business and eventually their home. Got divorced and went their own way.

sounds like we have a similar relationship with our families OP. I’ve been in the position of DSis asking for me to be a guarantor or other things. I’ve worked really hard. She’s been lazy (I don’t use that term lightly). I had to say no and had the guilt trips from DM. But it’s too risky. And ultimately unhelpful if we bail them out all the time.

You are doing the right thing. There is often pressure to be close to family but sometimes it’s just too toxic.

Well done. Hope you enjoyed your chips! 😊

Oh I am sorry Pink. Your Dsis is a "piece of work".

Rotten cow.

DO NOT do this. It's not fair on your DH or you. If her DH has left his job (not sure why), it's not your fault. Could they live with family or down size?

Glad you are standing firm OP. Well done to you and your husband, plus good call on chippy tea.

This has been a useful thread for me. I've been guarantor for a partner's rent in the past. We both thought it was for the first year only, and were shocked when 6 years in there was a change of rental agreement and they asked for my signature, as I was STILL guarantor.

Thank you to the poster above for mentioning that being guarantor tends to continue for the life of the tenancy. And, like others, I assumed I'd find out about any missed payments straight away. I'm shocked to hear of guarantors not knowing anything is wrong until being hit be a bill for six months' rent.

It has certainly put me off being a guarantor in the future, even if I was in a position to be. So thank you OP for a useful thread.