is it normal to feel this fucking disrespected over this? Or am I a dick?

[greenjelsa]

I honestly don’t know.

My parents are retired. They have an active social life. I have a toddler.

Example of dialogue or text exchange:

Them: see you both on Saturday!

me: I am seeing (friends name on Saturday).

them: oh you can see us on Saturday! We want to see you!

me: I don’t want to cancel on (friends name).

them: can’t you change it and see her on Sunday?

me: no because that’s the only day she can do and we’ve arranged it.

two days later…

them: see you on Saturday!

and so it goes on.

they are not mentally unwell. If they have plans I don’t hear a thing from them.

I am so sick of this constant dialogue. It makes me feel so shit and disrespected. It happens all the time. I couldn’t even imagine just saying no I am not free, without explanation as that would be a big no no, they would absolutely expect me to see them.

aibu to let this get to me so much? I feel it’s so hypocritical as they are very clear when they are busy. I’ve asked them to stop doing this so many times, for years, nothing changes.

They are simply out of touch and bloody disrespectful. Go ahead and meet your friend. To be a parent it is already quite hard as it is. The last thing you need now is having to deal with some entitled dickheads.

I was just responding to where the OP has said No because of prior arrangements

YANBU, that would boil my p. I think it is a lack of self-awareness on their part. They sound a bit fancy free!

DHs parents actually tried to travel to our house once (6 hour drive for them) without discussing it with us. Apparently they had told us at Christmas that they would visit in ‘the spring’. We were actually away and it caused a massive row because apparently we shouldn’t have made plans for the whole of spring. They then refused to visit for several years (fine by me).

MIL then spent years trying to make us change visits to them to weekends she felt were ‘better’ by telling ridiculous lies. Wouldn’t accept we had jobs and plans and couldn’t come whenever.
It blew up in her face though as when forced to go the weekends she lied to get us there, we would only stay a night instead of the long weekends we had planned.

Its a control thing in the end, to try and control your time.

Tell her once Then get on with your plans, delete any further messages.
It’s not that she is bonkers it’s that you react so badly.

Odd behaviour. Just keep repeating I cantr do this Saturday, I'm busy.

Just reply with a '?' or a 'haha' or a 'what do you mean?'

I have a friend who does this occasionally and it does get annoying, often I just stop replying then they come back asking me “what’s wrong?” and I will just say “I told you I couldn’t meet this Saturday but you kept on and on so I just stopped taking”. Go out with your friend and don’t feel guilty.

“Mum, Dad, it’s lovely that you want to see me so often but I have a busy life, with other things and people who are important to me. I can’t be here to entertain you whenever you want. Sometimes I have to say no, and when I have said it, I need you to know that I mean it. This endless back and forth is a waste of everyone’s time. From now on, I won’t be responding after the first time.”

Better than what my mother did.
She said she's not coming to my wedding because she was meeting a friend that day. She'd known about my wedding for 6 months.
She didn't come.
This was just a drop in the ocean of hurtful behaviour so I moved 500 miles away and just ignore it.

@Gettingbysomehow wow, what a hurtful thing she did. Her friend must have thought her very odd.

You need to stop being so nice and worrying about them. They dont seem to be laying awake worrying about upsetting you. Just say no. And leave it at that. If you want to be kinder, say why first. Then just say no. and keep saying it.

Bloody Hell! It sounds like you're well rid. 😲

They're just not listening to you and think that they should still be the people you drop everything for. My parents were similar in that they expected me to always be at home when they called round without warning, and this went on for years. If I wasn't in, I got told off for being inconsiderate. It finally stopped when they arrived at the holiday hotel I was staying in to see me (they were staying 2 hrs away, yes they'd followed me on holiday!!!). I'd gone off to another island for the day with no phone reception and they couldn't get hold of me. They finally realised how silly their behaviour and expectations were.
I hope you get this sorted with your parents far sooner than I did!

My mum makes plans with us, then cancels as a better offer comes up. We then make alternative plans and she phones and says she's cancelled the other person so she can see us. We then tell her we've made alternative plans and no we can't cancel the person we've made plans with, and we don't. She then goes back to the person she's cancelled. Not sure what happens with that, but more fool them if they are friends with my mum.

But @Boomboomshakeshaketheroom has just told you why they do it. They do it because

they hope to wear you down and turn your no into a yes
they don’t think you have a right to determine your own life
they want to make it such a hassle to say no to them that you always say yes.

You can’t change their behaviour, attitudes, values or world views . You can only change your own.

You know this . But what you what is for you to change your behaviour and them not to be annoyed with you or complain. This is probably impossible.

But you not need to feel guilty about their feelings. And you don’t need to listen to their Complaints. That part is your choice.

So just follow the advice here. Say “ sorry we are not free on Saturday, we can do Sunday” . Rinse and repeat.

If they complain “ Oh we wanted to see you on Saturday because Reason” just say

“ I understand that but I’m afraid I’m not free on Saturday “ .

If they keep going on about it, say “ Sorry I need to go now, I need to work / feed the cat / put the baby to bed . Let me know if you want to meet up on Sunday so we can keep that time free “.

And hang up.

Yes you will feel bad. But you feel bad now. And you will get used to feeling guilty about seeking your own boundaries.

Could they be hard of hearing? My mother does it to me, but she only hears parts of sentences and makes the rest up.

They can't be hard of texting though.

*NotQuiteNorma · Today 13:24

DuchessOfSausage · Today 12:54

Could they be hard of hearing? My mother does it to me, but she only hears parts of sentences and makes the rest up.
They can't be hard of texting though.*

😅

The second time they message reply 'Well you can come but I won't be here'. Then don't reply again.
Alternatively if you give them a day when they can come would that work? ie Can't see you Saturday as going out but you're welcome to come over on Sunday;.

It's quite funny is it wasn't so tragic!

I think people assume that OP's parents would react the same way a reasonable person would, but its possible they will escalate if she carries out any of those plans.
OP you need to understand - they have trained you to feel guilty and its not OK. How would you feel about having some CBT or counselling?

@NotQuiteNorma , OP mentioned dialogue. She didn't say that she had texted that she had made other plans.
My reply was meant to be helpful not to be ridiculed.

After you have already said you are busy, they’ve said cancel your friend and you’ve said no sorry can’t, then any texts after that about it you just ignore.
If they text asking if you are ok, you text back saying I’m fine- just busy. If they keep texting after that you ignore.
If they ring you don’t pick up.
If you must text back just say I’m fine just busy, will speak soon.
If a few days later they ask again come over Saturday, you forward the text you previously wrote saying no, and type- still can’t - sorry!
You need to keep doing this. You need to re establish boundaries.
It may take several times of doing this before they get the message and change their ways. If you text back and pick up every time this will never change.