is it normal to feel this fucking disrespected over this? Or am I a dick?

[greenjelsa]

I honestly don’t know.

My parents are retired. They have an active social life. I have a toddler.

Example of dialogue or text exchange:

Them: see you both on Saturday!

me: I am seeing (friends name on Saturday).

them: oh you can see us on Saturday! We want to see you!

me: I don’t want to cancel on (friends name).

them: can’t you change it and see her on Sunday?

me: no because that’s the only day she can do and we’ve arranged it.

two days later…

them: see you on Saturday!

and so it goes on.

they are not mentally unwell. If they have plans I don’t hear a thing from them.

I am so sick of this constant dialogue. It makes me feel so shit and disrespected. It happens all the time. I couldn’t even imagine just saying no I am not free, without explanation as that would be a big no no, they would absolutely expect me to see them.

aibu to let this get to me so much? I feel it’s so hypocritical as they are very clear when they are busy. I’ve asked them to stop doing this so many times, for years, nothing changes.

"See you Saturday then"

"No I'm already seeing (friends name) on Saturday, but I'll pop in on Sunday"

Don't add anything else to leave the conversation about it open, end it and if you've still other things to chat about move on to that and don't revert back even if it's mentioned just ignore and continue chatting about other things.

Thing is, this still means the OP has to see them Sunday, maybe they just want a break? What about 'might be around another time' to leave things open ended?

I don't do anything week by week and have no "traditions" or expectations as a result. Can't stand the expectation, it's too stressful for me.

I did the same with my in-laws. They expected us to visit every Sunday ie unless they were away themselves in which case they didn’t seem to miss us at all. . If we were late visiting (which we frequently were when the children were babies), they’d ring us over and over to see where we were. I found it so stressful. We reduced contact. Started going every third week. Even varied between Saturday and Sunday.

Of course it wasn’t easy. MIL cried. SIL tried to manipulate us saying they were ‘heartbroken’.

It took months but life became a lot more relaxed.

By allowing the guilt (fear, obligation and guilt tbh) to get to you, you’re unwittingly feeding this toxic mindset

you say you can’t imagine saying “I’m busy” and getting away with it, but you’ve not tried it.

its going to take a while for you to feel comfortable with this change, but we’re ALL telling you it’s fine and what they are doing isn’t right.

so next time, just do it. “Sorry, have plans, can’t make that.”

when they respond- which you know they will - just say, “I’m busy then” and any subsequent times
just say, “we’ve discussed this, can’t make it, I’m not replying anymore on this, love you, speak soon” and then just leave it.

so DONT lose sleep over it, you’re not doing anything wrong at all.
mumsnet says unequivocally YANBU 🙂

save this thread and refer to it any time you need it.

This post just reminded me of something my own parents used to do (am NC now) they would actually just come in!

We live in a flat and they would get one of the neighbours to let them in, or when someone was coming out come in and turn up!

I think OP needs to follow through and just be out, afterwards, it will be hard but they would get the message then I suppose

I speak from experience here. It's definitely a boundary question. With my parents they are similar and even have turned up at my door at times and I have seen it was them, and have had to pretend I am out.. It's not on and utterly disrespectful.

This feeling of guilt that you describe needs to be analysed really. It's hard, but you need to not be so agreeable, I think. By this agreeable nature, you are feeding in to this habit.

It's a question of not being agreeable at all. Be firm with your boundaries and if you have to "No, means no, and that is that". I repeat, it really is utterly unfair and disrespectful of them to behave like this. Be firm, not unkind, but just firm and tell it like it is, and don't feel guilty as there is nothing to feel guilty about at all by asserting your own boundaries and putting your own needs first which really is essential.

Oh this sounds just like my mother. She's very manipulative.

I just say, 'As I said previously said I'm seeing X on Saturday and won't be coming'.

I would get a bit of a passive aggressive message back but I just ignore.

I only make an effort to go for my Dad's sake because she makes his life a misery but she likes to make out she does it as a favour for me because I'm single and clearly in her mind have no life.

I hate to say it but this is as much about you indulging in the back and forth as it is about them. Stop indulging. Stop trying to understand why they do it, it's a waste of time. Just focus on your own boundaries. 'i already told you I have plans that day' and just keep repeating it. Stop faffing around trying to word it sensitively, say it how it is and just don't indulge in the endless back and forth. If you really want to know why they are doing it, it's a mind game they are playing to psychologically wear you down by playing dumb until you give in and let them have their way. You know like when you say 'no' to a child but they just go on and on and on and on until you give in? Well it's an adult version of that. So now you know how to break the cycle - stop indulging in the game.

This.

You can even tell them you are changing to this if you want. Tell them that from now on you will tell them once if you cannot make a date, and then will not reply to further messages about it.

My MIL actually scaled our fence once when we weren’t in to look through the kitchen window, and we only know this because she told us like it was a perfectly normal thing for a 70 year old woman to do! Surely if you knock on the door an no one answers then even if we were hiding in the kitchen you’d take the hint that we didn’t want to open the door to you! 🤣

Could you proactively decide when you want to see them and arrange it plenty of time in advance so you know where you are and if they say 'see you saturday' you can say 'we've already arranged to meet next sunday' but hopefully as there is something in the diary they might not start with this?

Is there some disapproval to you going out?

I ask because I first encountered it with FIL and us taking a weekend out the country - in end DH shrugged said well you can do as you please but we're not here. It took years but became a noticeable pattern - travel is their thing and we clearly weren't supposed to do it without them - DH would try reason then just carry on.

My own DP did similar with phone calls and drop bys when they disapproved of me having an afternoon nap with kids - till I started sleeping though.

I have a really strange family and managed to marry into a similar one - just don;t change your plans or offer an alternative and do broken record - see you x day and ignore any comments.

And OP I know how dementing this all this. I have had a Father and H like this. You will waste your sanity trying to understand why they are like this. They will never take into account what you are saying, they will just repeat their own behaviours over and over and will NEVER recognise the impact on you. Every interaction is about them and their perspective only. You will NEVER get past that to be seen yourself.

A psychologist said to me, 'if you cannot remove them from your life, you need radical acceptance that they are like this and will not change. That doesn't mean that you like it, but you accept it won't change.'

As PP said, its not a you thing, its a them thing.

Also don't explain what you are doing or why it's important just don't get drawn in then they can't debate them being more important just do a no busy see you x day.

I appreciate the guilt issue but you really need to try and see that this is their doing, not yours. I'd just start replying (and copy/paste if you need to, just keep hammering it in)
"No, we have plans on Saturday. We will see you another time." Keep it simple, neutral and leave them no room for debate. If they push back on when they will see you then "I'll get in touch to set it up. Bye!" You could even mute them on your phone if they start getting too much with repeated messages.

I read this with interest as I have exactly the same issues with my parents and it affects me in the exactly the same way as the op. I feel hugely undermined and disrespected.

It’s extremely difficult setting boundaries with parents as your inner child is always being triggered. I agree with the advice not to engage in dialogue and keep information to a minimum.

It’s hard to accept that their behaviour will never change (and might even get worse) so I’d focus on minimising its impact on you. I’m reading all the responses with interest!

I would simply tell them that you will be out and reiterate it, but say that you are sure that dear toddler would love to spend the afternoon with them. Alternatively say, I can't do then, but I'll book you in for the following Saturday before telling them that you've popped it in the diary. Be assertive. They will struggle more to argue with that. If they can't make the following weekend, turn the tables on them and tell them to change their plans and reiterate that you are looking forward to seeing them then!

OP. Parents like this are selfish and will never change. You will always be the bad guy. Next time it happens perhaps post on here ‘live’ and you can get support in how to respond or not to respond to them?
They will not change.

it’s because I don’t understand why they’re doing it?

It's a shock for us to realise that our own parents can be very childish but that's what this is.

‘we just wanted to see you.’

Then you have to be the grown-up. "You can see me on Sunday". (Or whenever) And then change the subject. Your parents are just being babyish. Children want what they want and if they don't get it they argue back or get upset or throw a tantrum. And when you ask why they just say "because I want it".

All you can do is stick to your guns, don't argue or explain, let the tantrum blow itself out.

TBH I’d just ignore them - in response to DM’s first text would say ‘Sorry I can’t. Am going out.’ And then simply ignore all subsequent texts - mute the conversation or even block it if it became unrelenting and not switch it back on until after my Saturday plans had completed. And keep doing it.

Ie. If they won’t listen to you, mirror that behaviour by refusing to listen to/engage with them. At the moment, you are just rewarding their behaviour by continually responding and reacting. You need to break the cycle.

So what happens when Saturday comes and you're not there?

What would happen if you made arrangements to see them, so you wouldn't have this backwards and forwards?