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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why are men like this? Working or not to work

183 replies

Teenangels · 07/02/2024 19:42

I am very lucky as I know the COL is effecting everyone at the moment.

I work fulltime, 4 day working week, and have 4 kids although they are now nearly adults/adults. My husband runs his own successful business.

Now here is the issue he can not understand why I would work, in a stressful job that I love. I stayed at home when the children were younger but once they went to school. I went back to work, the kids to private school, so had clubs and wraparound care, so it was easy for me to be at work. He does not do anything around the house and never has

My husband is wants me to be at home, go out for lunch, the gym, and meet out with friends.

Why are men so bloody old fashioned and dare I say proud that they can "keep" a woman.

OP posts:
LavenderHaze19 · 07/02/2024 19:46

I can see why it pisses you off, but I think it’s better than having a cocklodger.

Draconis · 07/02/2024 19:50

Yes @LavenderHaze19 rather that then a lazy arsed cocklodger. Being able to support a family is a good thing.
But not if he's pressuring you to give up work.

mamacorn1 · 07/02/2024 19:52

It’s your choice OP. You just have to stand firm and tell him when you are ready to give up work you’ll let him know!

Justifiedcheese · 07/02/2024 19:55

mamacorn1 · 07/02/2024 19:52

It’s your choice OP. You just have to stand firm and tell him when you are ready to give up work you’ll let him know!

And don't put up with the "never does anything around the house" bollocks either. DH is in his 70s and has always pulled his weight domestically. Presume yours is much younger, no excuse whatever!

Original poster
Teenangels · 07/02/2024 19:56

Draconis · 07/02/2024 19:50

Yes @LavenderHaze19 rather that then a lazy arsed cocklodger. Being able to support a family is a good thing.
But not if he's pressuring you to give up work.

He is not pressuring me to give up work, he just can’t see why I need/want to work, when he says that I could have an “easier” life.

OP posts:
Original poster
Teenangels · 07/02/2024 19:58

Justifiedcheese · 07/02/2024 19:55

And don't put up with the "never does anything around the house" bollocks either. DH is in his 70s and has always pulled his weight domestically. Presume yours is much younger, no excuse whatever!

Show quote history

He does a lot less than me, I do the food shopping and cooking. We have a cleaner, ironing person and a dog walker and that would not change if I were to give up work.

OP posts:
SongbirdGarden · 07/02/2024 20:00

Do.you live in a caravan by any chance ?

JollyMollyPolly · 07/02/2024 20:02

It's definitely a view some men still like the idea of. I have a chronic condition and my husband would love to earn enough so that I didn't have to work. Take my illness away and I'd never give up work fully because it definitely gives me self-worth which I would lose if I didn't work. Part-time is a wonderful compromise though.

Original poster
Teenangels · 07/02/2024 20:02

SongbirdGarden · 07/02/2024 20:00

Do.you live in a caravan by any chance ?

If I did live in a caravan, I would never have had a career, nor a cleaner and our daughters would not be at Uni.

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 07/02/2024 20:03

What? Presumably he prefers to work as well? Doesn't he get that you're a human being with drives yourself?

Alphavilla · 07/02/2024 20:03

Tell him you need to build your own pension. Never be financially reliant on a man!

defiant2024 · 07/02/2024 20:05

Control and ego and an inability to accept that women have individual wants and needs.

Original poster
Teenangels · 07/02/2024 20:07

Alphavilla · 07/02/2024 20:03

Tell him you need to build your own pension. Never be financially reliant on a man!

I have my own pension, and investments in my name from when I was not working.

My husband has not told me not to work, but he can’t understand why I am not like women in our circle that do not work because their husband supports them although they had careers before now.

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 07/02/2024 20:08

Tell him you'd like to earn enough money so he can give up work and have an easier life.

theduchessofspork · 07/02/2024 20:08

I hope it’s that he would like to give up work, rather than he thinks you only need the gym and lunch to keep you interested in life?!

I can imagine you feel like you aren’t being seen by your life partner which must be frustrating, but maybe it’s just lack of imagination?

Just tell him you’d be bored shitless and old before your time. It’s quite an unusual attitude these days.

Justifiedcheese · 07/02/2024 20:09

Teenangels · 07/02/2024 19:58

He does a lot less than me, I do the food shopping and cooking. We have a cleaner, ironing person and a dog walker and that would not change if I were to give up work.

Show quote history

I was responding to "never does anything". If he does some things, and the balance works overall, then OK. But he sounds like something out of the 1950s and that's rarely good news imo. I certainly wouldn't countenance it, luckily for me I chose a guy who can and does shift for himself when needed.

Original poster
Teenangels · 07/02/2024 20:09

defiant2024 · 07/02/2024 20:05

Control and ego and an inability to accept that women have individual wants and needs.

Edited

I do think it’s an ego thing, meaning he is successful and can support our lifestyle with his earnings.

My earnings do not pay for anything in the house, and they are mine to do with what I want.

OP posts:
Testina · 07/02/2024 20:09

Why are men so bloody old fashioned and dare I say proud that they can "keep" a woman.

Sweeping statement, much?

Why are (some) women (you) quick to marry someone who doesn’t share their values? 😉

Justfinking · 07/02/2024 20:12

My husband is wants me to be at home, go out for lunch, the gym, and meet out with friends. you're seriously complaining absolutely thus? Fair enough if he just wanted you to be his maid but this sounds pretty great, set him free if you want plenty others will appreciate him! Work is overrated (especially on mumsnet!)

Original poster
Teenangels · 07/02/2024 20:12

Justifiedcheese · 07/02/2024 20:09

I was responding to "never does anything". If he does some things, and the balance works overall, then OK. But he sounds like something out of the 1950s and that's rarely good news imo. I certainly wouldn't countenance it, luckily for me I chose a guy who can and does shift for himself when needed.

Show quote history

He does not do anything in the house as we have a cleaner etc.

He used to put a shift in, but now does not need to like I don’t have to. He does not cook because all he would cook is toast.

OP posts:
Original poster
Teenangels · 07/02/2024 20:15

Testina · 07/02/2024 20:09

Why are men so bloody old fashioned and dare I say proud that they can "keep" a woman.

Sweeping statement, much?

Why are (some) women (you) quick to marry someone who doesn’t share their values? 😉

He did not start our marriage with these values, we both worked hard and sometimes really struggled. Now he sees himself as successful he wants me not to work as I don’t need to financially.

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 07/02/2024 20:17

Is he going to drop his hours once the kids are through uni? If not, why not? It sounds like you could afford it. Probably for similar reasons that you work. Flip it back on him and then maybe he will understand it

Original poster
Teenangels · 07/02/2024 20:19

Justfinking · 07/02/2024 20:12

My husband is wants me to be at home, go out for lunch, the gym, and meet out with friends. you're seriously complaining absolutely thus? Fair enough if he just wanted you to be his maid but this sounds pretty great, set him free if you want plenty others will appreciate him! Work is overrated (especially on mumsnet!)

I know how lucky (privileged) we are not have have to worry financially.

I just can’t get this old fashioned way of thinking, me working full time has no impact on him or our family life.

OP posts:
NewName24 · 07/02/2024 20:19

YABVU

"Men" aren't like this.

Your dh is like this.
Not 1/2 the world's population.

Original poster
Teenangels · 07/02/2024 20:21

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 07/02/2024 20:17

Is he going to drop his hours once the kids are through uni? If not, why not? It sounds like you could afford it. Probably for similar reasons that you work. Flip it back on him and then maybe he will understand it

He works the hours he wants to now. That could mean that some weeks he only goes into the office for a day or so, and does his hobby, or works full week. Depends what he does.

OP posts: