Why are men like this? Working or not to work

[Teenangels]

I am very lucky as I know the COL is effecting everyone at the moment.

I work fulltime, 4 day working week, and have 4 kids although they are now nearly adults/adults. My husband runs his own successful business.

Now here is the issue he can not understand why I would work, in a stressful job that I love. I stayed at home when the children were younger but once they went to school. I went back to work, the kids to private school, so had clubs and wraparound care, so it was easy for me to be at work. He does not do anything around the house and never has

My husband is wants me to be at home, go out for lunch, the gym, and meet out with friends.

Why are men so bloody old fashioned and dare I say proud that they can "keep" a woman.

This reminds me of Ibsen's "The Dolls House". And that didn't end well as I recall!

It comes across as sexist. He assumes your job is not important (unlike his) so why do it? Why bother your pretty little head? So patronising.

For everyone saying "it's not all men" well of course it's not. Why does everyone take everything so literally these days?! Except for the word "literally".... 🙄

TIL wanting to give one's wife an easier and more leisurely existence is sexism.

I'm certain that the OP would still have made this thread if her job paid peanuts and she hated it. Principles and whatnot.

Yet he refuses to do anything around the house.

Clearly it isn't just about giving his wife an easier and more leisurely existence.

They have a cleaner, an ironer, and a dog walker. There isn't that much left to do, and what there is, is clearly already being done.

That's not the same scenario though.

No one, male or female, high or low earner, should do a job they despise or brings them down, or underpays them. Any decent partner would want to support them in leaving that job either to be at home or find an alternative.

OP is happy in her job and doesn't want to leave it, but the DH can't understand why she continues to do it when she doesn't have to. He doesn't value her career, or her contribution to society or the household. He doesn't see her as an independent person with her own career. He's undermining any value her job brings to her, or anyone else by basically suggesting it's worthless.

I can't believe people think that's being a good husband

By OP, because he doesn't do it.

It does come across as sexist when you add up what OP describes. I think there's a reason why OP herself is talking about men being 'old fashioned' and wanting to 'keep' a woman.

The point still stands. If he really wanted to give his wife an easier life, he would step and and do his half of the domestic work that remains.

The OP has said that it's an ego thing. He wants to think of himself as the big provider. Her work, and her income, is apparently so unimportant that it wouldn't matter if she stopped doing it.

This is not the attitude of a caring man who just wants his wife to have an easy life.

Do you spend 4 days a week cooking? I suspect that on balance the OP would be better off time-wise.

And the OP assumes that it's an ego thing, a bit like how you've assumed it's because he thinks less of her career. I've not seen a post that states that any of it came out of his mouth.

Flip the sexes and tell me that the OP would be doing a sexism for suggesting that her husband (despite him doing the cooking) give up his job and chill.

It's more sexist the current way around because it is the stereotype that women 'belong' at home.

It sounds like OP's DH has suggested it more than once, it seems to be a recurring issue. If OP is happy working, why does DH want her at home? The only reasons I can think of are sexist.

You also seem to think OP's DH should get a medal for cooking.

Well, no, it wouldn't be sexist because it wouldn't be motivated by old fashioned stereotypes about men being the providers.

Funnily enough, I don't know any women who would suggest that their husbands should just give up their jobs and chill. Do you?

I’d never quit work. It’s a massive part of my life and I would be so bored without it. Evenings and weekends are for seeing friends

Oh god I would love to have that life 😭.

It’s because he’s proud to be able to single handely support his family. My husband often tells me not to work too but he knows I wouldn’t do that. Like you my money even if I earn a decent salary is not required to pay the bills. I contribute a small amount which would not be missed if I didn’t work.
Id be grateful that you are in this position. It’s a nice place to be when you have choices.
You mentioned you have a stressful job that you love. To him he sees you being stressed and thinks why put yourself through that. My husband often says the same to me. I’ve got plenty of savings and we own our house outright so money is no issue at all. Mumsnet is full of man haters who assume the worse of men. Why not see the positive in them too. My husband often sees me stressed and says but you could be going to her your nails done etc… and I’d pay for it. Yes I’d be doing more of the chores but I do that already and we have hired help too. The kids are at school so life would be more chilled but I enjoy having a career I worked really hard for and I won’t be giving that up.
All these women criricising your husband don’t seem to grasp that he’s coming from a good place. If you’ve been together all those years and raised the kids and some gone to uni he’s thinking just put your feet up and rest now. No idea how old you are but I’m planning to work part time as I approach retirement.

He hasn't done anything wrong. He's not insisting you give up work, he's suggesting you do so you can have an easier life with time to do what you enjoy. & maybe he wants to spend more time with you. You're financially well off. You have a cleaner. Better a husband like yours than the lazy scroungers so many women put up with for the sake of 'love'. Or those calculated men who just love a woman who's a worker, so they feel they don't have to provide or they just do the bare minimum.

Keep working if you want to but your husband and life dont sound bad at all. Its a bit much to put up a post which you know will invite criticism of him just because he made a suggestion.

Even if it is coming from a good place, it's still sexist.

It also doesn't make someone a 'man hater' to point that out.

I love this, he is certainly not sexist he wants me to enjoy life, because I have done a lot of the leg work, when the business was starting up.

He feels that I should enjoy life, and not have to worry about work, he is proud of the work I do and how that I am a great role model for our children.

My kids are all driven and successful in their chosen careers. Including my daughters.

He values my career, as it supported us at times when we struggled.

Now we are not struggling and I know how lucky we are, he would like me to have an "easier life" he feels that I should be slowing down, have less stress, but I am not ready to do that, as I would get bored very bored.

If he gave up work, sold the business it would not be enough to keep our lives the same.

I think from your update that he works very flexibly now the business is successful, it is more likely that he thinks you would value that flexibility and freedom as well, rather than he is controlling. It is more like, this is how he is and views his time, whereas you prefer the interaction and pattern of a daily work routine and the challenges of your job.

All the women you know outed as sexists because of the old fashioned stereotype that men should be working?

I personally do feel it is incredibly sexist to think a "good man" should be the main provider. Why should he simply based on the fact he's a man?!
Some women I feel want "equality", but only when it suits them.
I'm just as capable of going to work as any man is.

Well, if they are expecting men to work while women give up their jobs and chill, then absolutely they are being sexist. That's kind of my point.

If they're simply expecting their partner to contribute on an equal footing to providing for the family and managing the domestic load, as they do too, then no, I don't think that's sexist at all.

I do not believe that this is simply about one partner wanting to make life easier for the other. The OP has backtracked now and insisted that it isn't about her DH being sexist, but that simply doesn't tally with her earlier comments about his ego and his pride in being able to "keep" a woman.

I THINK he is proud that he has achieved so much and we enjoy a life that I do not have to work but chose to work, my earnings are for me alone.

I have not backtracked, I did do and do more around the house, because when he was starting the business he was working 80-90 hours, and I was working 16-25 hours a week.

If I was earning equally or we both had to work to make ends meet then of course it would be sexist. I can never dream to earn what he makes from the business in 10 years and yes that makes of very privileged.

I know I am lucky not to have to work but I want to as I would become very bored.

Was it sexist that I earned more then him at the beginning of our relationship but I supported him?

Honestly I think that you are trying to pin this on being sexist.

The man you have described especially at the start of the thread sounds sexist.

If you dont like posters answering your question of why are men so bloody old fashioned and dare I say proud that they can "keep" a woman. with the point that it could be due to sexism then don't ask the question

If you dont like posters pointing out that him expecting you to do all the domestic labour that isn't outsourced is sexist then don't mention it

But if you do then don't moan when people point out that the way you are describing your DH makes him sound sexist