Page 8 | Why are men like this? Working or not to work

Teenangels · 2024-02-07T19:42:51+00:00

I am very lucky as I know the COL is effecting everyone at the moment. I work fulltime, 4 day working week, and have 4 kids although they are now nearly adults/adults. My husband runs his own successful business. Now here is the issue he can not understand why I would work, in a stressful job that I love. I stayed at home when the children were younger but once they went to school. I went back to work, the kids to private school, so had clubs and wraparound care, so it was easy for me to be at work. He does not do anything around the house and never has My husband is wants me to be at home, go out for lunch, the gym, and meet out with friends. Why are men so bloody old fashioned and dare I say proud that they can "keep" a woman.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 09/02/2024 10:19

professionalmum01 · 09/02/2024 10:06

But do you earn 750k a year and are closer to retirement? The context matters

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No I don't, but that wouldn't make any difference. It isn't about the money.

I guess I come at this from a different perspective than many, because my own mother bitterly regrets having given up her career to be at home, despite having had a very comfortable life financially on my dad's income. It is her single biggest regret in life and the source of so much sadness - not because of the lost earnings or financial independence etc, but because of the perception that she wasted her talents, failed to fulfil her potential and didn't make the contribution to society that she could have made. She is in her eighties now, and it still impacts negatively on her mental health.

My DH is an intelligent, driven and ambitious man who takes pride in his achievements and wants to make his mark on the world. I wouldn't dream of suggesting that his work was unimportant simply because of how much I might earn. Yes, we are married, but he is an individual with dreams and aspirations of his own.

professionalmum01 · 09/02/2024 10:29

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 09/02/2024 10:19

No I don't, but that wouldn't make any difference. It isn't about the money.

I guess I come at this from a different perspective than many, because my own mother bitterly regrets having given up her career to be at home, despite having had a very comfortable life financially on my dad's income. It is her single biggest regret in life and the source of so much sadness - not because of the lost earnings or financial independence etc, but because of the perception that she wasted her talents, failed to fulfil her potential and didn't make the contribution to society that she could have made. She is in her eighties now, and it still impacts negatively on her mental health.

My DH is an intelligent, driven and ambitious man who takes pride in his achievements and wants to make his mark on the world. I wouldn't dream of suggesting that his work was unimportant simply because of how much I might earn. Yes, we are married, but he is an individual with dreams and aspirations of his own.

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I get that as we are come from different backgrounds. My mum never worked and absolutely loved being a SAHM. She had zero interests in working and if she had married a wealthy man which she didn't would of been her dream come true. Her sister did marry a wealthy man and she has never worked a day in her life and yes i do get the co dependency as both in retirement age and she does have to cater for his every needs but she wasn't savvy enough to secure her own financial secure without depending on him but she has lived a very luxurious life travelling the world. That's the thing we are all so different :)

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 09/02/2024 10:39

professionalmum01 · 09/02/2024 10:09

Also, quitting work is not just about pottering about at home. If you have kids you can be way more involved as a parent thats much harder to do well when working. Also, you can do volunteering work and give back to the community. You can go back to uni to learn a new skill. There's a lot that can be done if not working.

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The thing is, lots of people in work volunteer in the community and go back to uni etc as well. I did a part time MBA a few years ago and have volunteered in the community for years... the skills that I've gained through my work enable me to contribute in ways that I wouldn't be able to otherwise.

As for being an involved parent, I don't feel that I would have done a better job if I hadn't worked. I was able to work flexibly to be there for dd whenever needed and dh was a hands-on, involved parent too. I couldn't be any prouder of the adult that she has become, nor could I be any happier with the quality of our relationship. I don't think it makes a difference tbh... though in any case, this question is irrelevant to the OP as her kids are already grown up.

My mum did the whole study/volunteering/SAHP thing and it simply wasn't enough for her... she wishes that she had kept her career. I think both dh and I would feel the same.

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 09/02/2024 10:41

My guess is he is sick of hearing about your job. Do you vent to him about it?

EC22 · 09/02/2024 10:42

can we swap husbands haha
as long as he’s not forcing you to give up work I see no issue

flatmop · 09/02/2024 11:12

If I had the choice between a stressful job or not working, I'd stop working. If I was bored, I'd find an easier job part-time job that gave me a routine without the stress. I can understand his confusion.

Nancydrawn · 10/02/2024 01:01

indigoskies · 09/02/2024 08:35

So work or don't work OP? Up to you. I'm not sure what you want from this? It will just incite the usual jealous posters with snipes about 'ladies who lunch' - as if that's all there is to do for women who don't work. The usual stupid comments that all women who don't work are obsessed with their nails or whatever. Must be, right?

For the record, I certainly don't think everyone without a job does this! I took it from this sentence from the OP: "My husband wants me to be at home, go out for lunch, the gym, and meet out with friends." Honestly, if anyone's saying that, it's the OP's husband.

I don't think paid work outside the house is the only way to be happy. If the OP was someone who wanted to stay home to garden, to volunteer, to get a degree, to sit and enjoy the work because that's what she likes: have at it!

I'm merely saying that for me, if my husband looked at my career and how important it was to me, and then said that I should quite to "go out for lunch, the gym, and meet out with friends," I'd wonder if he knew me at all, or if he respected who I wanted to be.

Original poster

Teenangels · 10/02/2024 13:13

Nancydrawn · 10/02/2024 01:01

For the record, I certainly don't think everyone without a job does this! I took it from this sentence from the OP: "My husband wants me to be at home, go out for lunch, the gym, and meet out with friends." Honestly, if anyone's saying that, it's the OP's husband.

I don't think paid work outside the house is the only way to be happy. If the OP was someone who wanted to stay home to garden, to volunteer, to get a degree, to sit and enjoy the work because that's what she likes: have at it!

I'm merely saying that for me, if my husband looked at my career and how important it was to me, and then said that I should quite to "go out for lunch, the gym, and meet out with friends," I'd wonder if he knew me at all, or if he respected who I wanted to be.

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My husband has supported me working and as I previously said it really helped when we struggled.

He know thinks as we are stable that I don’t need to work, and have an easier life.

OP posts: