Why are men like this? Working or not to work

[Teenangels]

I am very lucky as I know the COL is effecting everyone at the moment.

I work fulltime, 4 day working week, and have 4 kids although they are now nearly adults/adults. My husband runs his own successful business.

Now here is the issue he can not understand why I would work, in a stressful job that I love. I stayed at home when the children were younger but once they went to school. I went back to work, the kids to private school, so had clubs and wraparound care, so it was easy for me to be at work. He does not do anything around the house and never has

My husband is wants me to be at home, go out for lunch, the gym, and meet out with friends.

Why are men so bloody old fashioned and dare I say proud that they can "keep" a woman.

Blimey, it's only a suggestion. What a storm in a teacup.
@Teenangels - you are overthinking this. My DH has never expected or needed me to work either - but unlike you, I don't. Also have teens. We are all better off financially and emotionally for it. Anyway, you've been with him a long time, so why are you worried about this now??

OP doth protest entirely too much. Her "d" H sounds like a dinosaur, and no, not all men behave like this because some of them genuinely see their wives as equals.

That or it's a stealth boast that all she has loads of effective pocket money and a cushy lifestyle.

And no, OP, not jealous, I'm retired and financially fine, thanks.

I am glad that you are retired and financially fine.

where have I said that my husband does not see me as an equal? I am curious to know how you have worked this out.

Something does not have to be said to be obvious. He either respects your desire to have your own job or career or he doesn't. One conversation on the subject should suffice, somehow I doubt had he accepted your decision you would have posted as you did. It's really not complicated.

Look, I get it. You're terribly invested in him not being a sexist. Still doesn't mean he ain't.

I don't think he's sexist at all in wanting his wife to give up a job she loves so she has time to get her nails done and lunch with her lovely lady friends(!)

I mean so long as he gets his meals cooked, pots washed and clean clothes ready to wear then why wouldn't he mind paying for her nails to look pretty, it's not sexist at all...

No, what's best is having a man who listens to you and respects what you want to do.

Well, yes.

Not if he said it once, but if he repeated it, with no provocation (e.g. I hadn't said that I hated my job): it would indicate to me that he didn't understand how seriously I take my career, what my goals and ambitions are, and what I'm hoping to do in the world. It would indicate that he doesn't take me seriously. It would suggest to me that he thought what I was doing, my career, was unimportant.

I am an ambitious and accomplished woman, and I'm proud of that. My work and the work I do is a huge part of my identity.

Not everyone feels that way about their career. I do. And if my husband didn't take that part of me seriously, and wanted me instead to quit my life's work to do yoga and be a lady-who-lunches, I'd be pretty fucking devastated.

PS: I'm not saying you feel the same way that I do about work, OP. But I do hope your husband can take the way you feel, whatever way that is, seriously.

I'm not trying to "pin this on being sexist", I'm simply reflecting back what I've read.

I'm not sure why you even started this thread tbh, or what you expected posters to say.

As for your question as to whether it was sexist for you to support him at the beginning of your relationship when you earned more? No. But I do think it's interesting that you started off as the higher earner in your relationship and yet your career was still somehow the one that ended up taking a back seat.

He probably thinks if you as a family can afford it, one if you should be bringing up the kids.

We did start of the relationship with me earning more over 20 years ago, my career never took a back seat, I worked and stayed at home looking after the children, while working part time as that is what I wanted to, he started working hard at the business.

We knew that I would never make profits over 3/4 of million a year like he does with me working in the public sector.

So work or don't work OP? Up to you. I'm not sure what you want from this? It will just incite the usual jealous posters with snipes about 'ladies who lunch' - as if that's all there is to do for women who don't work. The usual stupid comments that all women who don't work are obsessed with their nails or whatever. Must be, right?

I wanted to ask how women would feel, I think it’s his pride, that he has come from very little to where we are now.

I did not see it as sexist, he just does not get it that I will be bored. I know that with the COL crisis it seems like first world problems.

Out of interest, OP, in what way do you think his views are "old fashioned", given that you don't consider him to be sexist?

And why did you say that he was proud to "keep" a woman if you actually meant that he was proud of having come from very little to where he is now? That seems an odd phrase to use if his pride isn't specifically linked to the idea of being able to support a non-working wife?

The tone of your posts seems to have changed dramatically from the start of the thread, when you seemed quite irritated by his "old fashioned" views and his ego-driven stance, but now you seem to be keen to assure us that he is the model husband who has only ever been concerned about making your life easier.

Is it easier for you to come to terms with the idea that he is just a bit old fashioned than to confront the very likely prospect that he is actually very sexist? Because that's certainly how it comes across on this thread.

Its pretty simple. If he's making 750k a year and you are working 4 days a week and getting stressed then anyone would ask why bother working. If my husband was earning 750k a year i would not be doing what I'm doing now and just be doing part time contract work for "pin" money. We are married and have kids and i've got savings so those who are saying you need to secure your financial future well yes i am as if we get divorced he'll have to share that money as well as pay for maintainance for the kids. Also, as I'll be doing part time contract work I can still do more full time work if the relationship breaks down but unlikely given that we have been together for over 20 years.
On Mumsnet there is a big cross section of individuals from all walks of life and asking the general population what they think when they are not in your situation isn't really going to give you any useful insights into his behaviour. Perhaps you need to ask other women in the same situation as you what they think and most of the time you'lll find its that he's earning so much that the money you earn doesn't even touch the sides and instead he'd rather see you taking it easy and relaxing than working when you don't need to. You mentioned having grown up kids too. I can think of a lot of things i could do with my time if i was an empty nester rather than working. Going to the gym, getting my nails done, eating out, travelling and then doing some part time work to keep myself in the "game" so to speak. My husband oftens says you know you can quit work when you want to. He's a high income earner but i am as well but not quite earning 750k a year. If he was then i might change my mind.

But this places all the benefits of working on financial earnings. For me (and for many people) working is so, so, much more than that.

My DH earns 10x what I do (and I'm a fairly high earner) but I wouldn't ever stop working because it's so much more than just income.

What do you constitute as a high income though as this means different things to different people?
Have you got kids as that changes everything! Before kids the thought of not working would be inconceivable. But now with two kids and a stressful job i do ask myself why i bother at times even if i know i couldn't be a SAHM.

Indeed. I earn a lot more than my DH and can easily cover our household costs. It wouldn't occur to me to suggest that DH should just quit his job to potter around at home...I think he would find that very patronising and disrespectful.

Work is about so much more than money for many people.

But do you earn 750k a year and are closer to retirement? The context matters

Yes I have 3 young kids. I earn £80k FTE as a lawyer. I'm currently working 2/3rds time.

DH earns many multiples of that and has for the last 15 years or so...

I spent 7 years qualifying as a lawyer, and get immense satisfaction and stimulation from my job. I feel it contributes to society and it's a massive part of my identity. The idea that I wouldn't do it purely because I'm married to someone (with a penis) who earns more than me is absolutely awful.

Also, quitting work is not just about pottering about at home. If you have kids you can be way more involved as a parent thats much harder to do well when working. Also, you can do volunteering work and give back to the community. You can go back to uni to learn a new skill. There's a lot that can be done if not working.

It's personal preference isn't it? I know quite a few self-made men who have come from nothing, but made hundreds of millions through .com or finance, but their wives still prefer to keep in working in some capacity, even though the money is effectively meaningless to the family. They just need that structure and self-esteem. Other wives don't work because they value time and flexibility over the benefits of their particular work. They may do a lot if other things - you're only limited by energy and imagination really. Nobody judges anyone and nobody ever talks about work anyway.

I don't think its because you are married to man that earns more is the reason for women deciding to stop working. Some women genuinely don't enjoy their jobs. Some of them get tired of it and want to stop and have a break, Its great that you love your work.
Plus i'd imagine that as your husband is earning 800k a year then you can pay for nannies/cleaners/gardeners etc... so you can focus on work and i do get why women want to work as I'm one of them and the husband could support us but then if he was on 800k I'm not sure i would be doing what I'm doing. I'm on a six figure salary too.

I don't think it's about the pride of "keeping" you but of owning you. For you to have nothing better to do than cater to them, to have no power or independence.