Why are men like this? Working or not to work

[Teenangels]

I am very lucky as I know the COL is effecting everyone at the moment.

I work fulltime, 4 day working week, and have 4 kids although they are now nearly adults/adults. My husband runs his own successful business.

Now here is the issue he can not understand why I would work, in a stressful job that I love. I stayed at home when the children were younger but once they went to school. I went back to work, the kids to private school, so had clubs and wraparound care, so it was easy for me to be at work. He does not do anything around the house and never has

My husband is wants me to be at home, go out for lunch, the gym, and meet out with friends.

Why are men so bloody old fashioned and dare I say proud that they can "keep" a woman.

When I was the looking after the children when they were little and working part time, I did most things around the house. My husband was starting up the business working 70-80 hours a week.

Now the business is successful, we are lucky enough to have a cleaner, ironing lady, dog walker and gardener so I do not do much around the house either, and as I stated earlier this would not change if I stopped working

I know this makes us incredibly lucky.

I just wanted to comment on your comment about living in a caravan and your children not going to uni. I am not wealthy and all 3 of my siblings went to uni! Having money helps of course but uni isn't for the elite anymore.

I was directly answering a question asking if we lived in a caravan, hence my answer.

I know Uni is not for the elite anymore and is open to everyone!

@Nofilteritwonthelp I'm a woman. I definitely don't do the bulk of the childcare, housework, or carry the mental load.
This is not something that would be acceptable to me in a marriage and would not have married my husband were this going to be the case.
My husband and I are a team and we share things equally. This includes both going out to work to earn money to support our family as well as everything else.
Would I ever be OK with my husband becoming the sole provider?
No.

I don't think it's the best for children to teach them that it is only a mothers job to stay at home with children and I certainly don't think it's best for them to teach them that women are brainwashed if they want to continue with their careers once they become mothers.

Sounds like an ego thing. He wants to be seen as the one who provides so much that you don't need to work. The fact you're choosing to work makes him worry that people might think you 'have' to work. I have zero time for male ego. Just do what you want to do.

Same here. Mine has never expressed views like these, but I would shut them down firmly if he did. You’ve told him why you work, Op - now make it clear that continuing these conversations is utterly pointless and you won’t engage with them - because they show that he does not respect your views.

I do know of a couple of men who don’t want their wives to work, because they think it’ll seem as if they need to, because he doesn’t earn enough. But they were born outside the U.K. - it’s a cultural thing. One of the women, who did actually have a p/t job, told me she felt ashamed for people to think it was because they needed the money - that her husband wasn’t ’man enough’ to earn enough.

I don’t know of any native Brit men who think like this, though. I’m not saying they don’t exist, but….

A minority of posters on here post about ‘not needing to work’, because their DH ‘earns enough’ — to me, that is a deeply bizarre, reactionary attitude that seems to have time-travelled from the 19thc when, yes, it became a badge of middle-class male status that a man’s wife and daughters could be kept genteelly idle.

@HarkHarkBark , I don’t actually see anything wrong with anyone preferring to stay at home with babies/young children, rather than putting them in childcare - if they can afford to do so.

Many don’t want to, they prefer to work, and many don’t have the luxury of that choice anyway.

What's 'earning enough' so your wife/partner doesn't need to work though? This is going to be different for different people!

This is bizarre, as others have pointed out, It's up to you what you do. From your posts I get the impression though that if you started asking him to do more around the house (because obvs this is your domain) he would simply say you should give up work because he won't step up. He sounds quite old fashioned in his views. What will happen when you retire? Will you continue to afford all the help or will it be shared?

On another note, for those saying women going to work is a better message for children - not if the mother is also doing all the wife work. It's sending the message that women have to do it all and men only do work they get paid for. It's not always obvs how a man is going to be post children.

Best years at home with babies watching them grow - if you can afford it - and you enjoy it - do it

It’s more that it’s the flipside of the same attitude — ‘DH earns enough to keep me, so I don’t need to work’.

I don't need to work, I choose to work. DH earns 10x what I do and has for the last 15 years.

I love my job, it gives me stimulation and a challenge and status. It gives me an identity of my own. It gives me a self worth. I have lots of different experiences and meet people through it. It gives my life some structure. I feel like I'm contributing to society. I also get a salary. It's stressful at times but if it wasn't I'd be bored rigid.

If my DH didn't want me to work, in order to increase his own self worth (as a man who is seen by others to 'keep' his woman) I'd be pretty disgusted to be honest.

This doesn't sound like a problem. 😫

Men thinking this way about a woman ( double standard ) thinking they are " looking after her " by forcing her into a lazy lifestyle is only a macho behaviour and does not reveal real concern or respect to the woman.

I had a cousin in another country but her husband would always say to me: My wife will never work. My wife will never have to work.

Right, but no quite. OK, he provided everything, paid petrol into her car and that was that and only that. Turned out later years in life, he was always coming home after midnight, never told her any explanation about his absences, and when the kids reached 18, his sudden concern about no one ever having to work came to a holt and he started moaning about not having enough money to support 3 other adults plus himself. What happened, she and the two young adult kids left my country and came in London and all 3 now work. Life and interesting on top of that, right ?!

Sounds like it comes from a good place. Now that you can afford to he wants you to relax and enjoy life, especially as your kids are adults or nearly adults. The only advice I can give it's that you should speak to him and explain that you work because you enjoy it, that you'd be bored at home (not like you have little kids) and you outsource a lot anyway so wouldn't have much to do. If you can't speak to your spouse if however many years then you have bigger problems than you think.

I don’t know any men like this! They all work and have their partners work. And appreciate the extra £…
I do know one woman who come from old money - has a trust fund- and her parents are immensely disappointed that she works. Reflects badly on them, they feel, because instead of opening a gallery like her sister and getting someone else to run it, or funding a sailing crew who race a boat like other sister, or own racehorses like her brother - this woman chose to be…

a lawyer! Oh the horror! Like some kind of Victorian scullery maid she goes out to work every day a slogs away, as a human rights lawyer.

Can you imagine? What a monster… and she’s in danger of become one of the youngest ever Female KC’s. Not surprised they’re embarrassed.

I must say I cant see the point of working if you dont need the money. Still up to you how you lead your life. But if you enjoy your job don't give it up.

Providing financially for a family of 6 isn't easy. Why wouldn't he be proud? I'm a single parent and happy that I can provide for my son and I.

A fragile ego maybe? You'd think he'd be proud to have a wife who's independent and driven, rather than questioning why you're 'not like the other wives'. Especially as working evidently makes you happy. Flip the tables and ask him why doesn't he want to give up work? He's put in his time building up a successful business and you earn a good living. He could have a lovely life being a kept man, getting all nice and buff for you at the gym and relaxing on the golf course. 😁

I found your post oddly worded/phrased. I've never met a man who wants to "keep" a woman, so I voted YABU. It's definitely not the norm in my social circle.

However, you're not being unreasonable for wanting to work, and wanting him to pull his weight at home.

Most men are not like this, OP.

Your DH is like this because he is a sexist twat.

Why do you tolerate him contributing so little to the domestic load?

i don't know any men like this tbh

It's interesting, how everybody in here is making the assumption that he's being sexist.

Just for the sake of it, here's another plausible explanation:

• He doesn't especially enjoy working when he could be doing other things
• He assumes OP would also prefer not to work if there's a more attractive alternative
• He can't avoid working, since his salary pays for the house and the bills
• He's happy to take one for the team if OP would rather be a SAHP

Note that OP has explicitly said that he's not pressuring her, he just doesn't understand why she does it if there's a more pleasant alternative.

The only thing you need to do to get to this conclusion, from the OP's posts, is not make the assumption he's an asshole with no evidence to support it.