Ex BIL messaging me

[thisisuttermadness]

NC for this.

Long story short, my sister and my ex BIL divorced around 6 years ago. All water under the bridge now, they don't have contact anymore, no kids together so a relatively straightforward separation. It was hard at the time as BIL had been a part of the family for a lot of years and I regarded him as more of a brother to be honest, so the separation was hard for the rest of the family but it was the right decision for my sister and we obviously stood by her as her family. I'm still friends with BIL on social media but no longer close, and in all honesty we have very little contact. I messaged him after his child was born to a new woman a couple years ago to congratulate him, and he replied thank you etc, but otherwise we don't generally speak.

Today I received a message from him out of the blue asking how I was. I replied that I was fine and asked about him etc, we had a pleasant exchange about our respective kids etc. All fine and pleasant. He then asked me if I knew why my sister was still using "his name", and that he'd discovered this recently and it bothered him. I said I didn't know why she had made this decision, and that it's not really anything to do with me, but I assumed it was because it was less hassle to keep her married name for practical reasons (my sister is a very pragmatic person). I explained this was likely the reason and he continued to state that this was "weird" and "wrong" and could I "suggest" to her that she should revert back to her maiden name. I said this wasn't my place and legally it's her name, and asked why it was a concern to him so many years down the line? He said that I wouldn't understand because I "hadn't been through it", but that this surname was "a part of him" and he didn't need the "constant reminder". Again, I asked how on earth he's being constantly reminded when he literally has no contact with my sister anymore? He couldn't answer this, just said "it's not her identity anymore, it's MY surname". I was going round in circles explaining to him that it was also in fact her legal surname to use as she wished and there was little he could do about that. He then stated that "there is only going to be one Mrs X soon and it's not her". I pointed out that there are many, many Mrs X's in the world and he didn't own the rights to that particular surname. I suggested he just focused on his new relationship/ wife to be and family and move on from what my sister chooses to do / not do. He then became defensive stating that "I don't care about her or what she does but I don't think this is right". I had to end the discussion as we were just going round in unhelpful circles and I was fed up of repeating myself.

I then spoke to my sister and she said he'd also been in touch with her recently out of the blue saying similar things, demanding to know why she wasn't changing her name. She said she told him she'd made a decision to keep the name she was known by in professional circles and just for ease. He was apparently unpleasant towards her so she ended up blocking him, hence he's now badgering her family members.

AIBU that this is just a ridiculous thing to for him to get wound up about? Why now, 6 years down the line is my sister's name suddenly an issue just because he's remarrying?! He surely cannot expect my sister to change her name just because he finds it "weird" and thinks its "not her identity"?! And also why is he bothering me with this?! I assume this has only become an issue because he's getting married again, but why should it matter? For context the surname is a very common one - think Smith / Jones - and so there'll be literally thousands of women with this name across the world and yet his new wife needs to be "the only one"?!

Aside from all of this, what has any of it got to to with me?! I wasn't even married to the guy!

The whole thing has just annoyed and baffled me and just wanted some outside perspectives! Thank you.

To be fair, I do think a lot of people struggle with the keeping the name thing - I have several female friends who have waited until their kids are out of school before changing their name back from their married names. And I guess it may be uncomfortable to have someone known as Mrs X after the relationship ends. HOWEVER - he is being ridiculous, and needs to get over himself immediately.

Sounds like your sister needs to change her middle name too - Mrs hername Fuckyousteve XXXX

Good for you!

Sick of men thinking they "own the rights" to a woman's name after they're divorced. Ridiculous and sexist attitude! A woman's married name is her legal name to keep if she so wishes and anyone who thinks they can tell her what to do with it can get to fuck in my opinion.

😂😂

I also only ever went by Ms when married because I didn't think it was anyone's business if I was married just by reading my name.

Natwest accidently made me Mrs and it was the only place that ever did. I went to change it to Ms and had to g

Had to go fully "let me speak to your manager" when staff wanted to see a divorce certificate.

(Sorry, DS bumped me midway through post)

6 years later, getting remarried and he still hasn’t moved on. Sad.

My mum’s friend (who must be 80ish now) still has the surname of her first husband, even though they divorced in the mid-1980s and she then married someone else. When her children were under 18 she didn’t want a different name to theirs, and after that she couldn’t be arsed with the fuss of changing it. I genuinely hope your sister is still using her married name in about 50 years’ time and that her ex is still raging about it.

Get your sister to message him and say
" up until you actually messaged my sister, I was seriously contemplating going back to my maiden name but seeing as though you've been such a cunt about the whole thing and not asked me nicely, although we both know your cock doesn't touch your arse, you can fuck yourself " 🤗

My MIL is still Mrs XH despite divorcing over 40 years ago. Entirely her call. Not sure what I’d do in that situation. I’ve actually had my married name longer than my maiden name so it’s definitely part of my identity too.

New wife is clearly giving him shit about it. Block him and your sister should really lock down her social media so that the new wife can't spy on her.

Personally do not see why you'd keep the name of a man you divorced when there's no kids.
The old MN myth of how hard it is to change your name, is that; a myth, it's not difficult.

That's kind of the point though. It's her married name, as you literally say. That's how people see it, the married name, that she's never changed back.

No, she doesn't have too. But it's his name that she acquired via marriage specifically to him.

I see it like continuing to wear wedding rings after divorce. They are a sign of marriage to one specific person. No, you don't legally have to remove them, but it's very faux innocence to claim it no longer represents a connection to that marriage, when that is exactly what they symbolise.

I don't think it's sexist. It's irrelevant if it's a man or woman. If you take someone else's name on marriage, it's exactly that, your married name.

I find it really odd that I would potentially divorce DH, have another man's child before marrying him, and give that child exDHs surname, when it's neither my family name, nor my new partners, but that of an unrelated man I was once in a relationship with because I "can't be arsed" with the paperwork of changing it back.

Y(or your DSis)ANBU, it's her name. I've always said if DH and I split unamicably I'd keep his name just to piss hom off but on a serious note my degree is in my married name, my kids all share our surname and I've had this name as many years now as I haven't which is a pretty big deal.
I'm curious how he would have reacted had she not taken 'his' name on marriage? I suspect that he would have been as obnoxious as he is now. Can have it both ways.

That’s why it’s so rubbish to change your name when you get married.

Your name does not just represent you. It represents you-as-a-subset-of-this-marriage.

Whereas for the partner who didn’t change their name, it’s still just their name representing them. Theirs forever, whatever happens in their life.

The name changer is B-list.

When I filled in the online form for a DBS check, the computer was unable to accept that the following three things are true at the same time:

1. I am married
2. My title is Ms
3. I have never changed my name

It would not let me proceed without giving my previous name.

In the end I was told to say I was a Miss. So I had to lie on a DBS form….not a good look.

I complained but heard nothing back.

find it really odd that I would potentially divorce DH, have another man's child before marrying him, and give that child exDHs surname, when it's neither my family name, nor my new partners, but that of an unrelated man I was once in a relationship with because I "can't be arsed" with the paperwork of changing it back.

This isn't relevant to my sister's situation though? She hasn't had another man's child. She has no kids at all. She's just a single woman with a surname she's had for a lot of years that she wanted to keep. 🤷‍♀️

I suspect the same as you!

In contrast, I've told my partner that if we do ever marry I want to keep my own surname and double barrel his on the end, so that my name matches that of our daughter. He's happy with this. He hasn't once suggested I "must" take his name. Equally I couldn't see him giving a shit if I did take his name upon marriage, and we later split and I wanted to keep it. Well, he didn't care that his ex wife did the same, so 🤷‍♀️

I just don't understand the possessiveness over a name. That's all it is, a name.

I don't agree with the analogy of keeping wedding rings on post divorce, at all. Removing them is an easy process that takes seconds. Changing one's name is not and there can be good practical reasons for choosing not to do so, relating to one's professional identity for a start.

My sister has no social media accounts at all, she's only on LinkedIn. That's where they've found out she still uses her married name I'd imagine. There's no other possible way they could have known.

Incidentally, I did ask ex BIL twice within the exchange with him how he'd "discovered" this information. He dodged my question both times. So he's clearly been stalking her on her LinkedIn profile which is just plain weird.

So your husband's mother should have changed her name from Mrs CoatOn when you married him so that there weren't two Mrs CoatOns? How odd...

Bit misogynistic to expect women to keep changing their names. I would also imagine that those insisting that women don't have a valid reason for sticking to one name for professional purposes have never worked in a professional field. I once refused to give a reference for Jane Smith because I didn't know her. Turns out I did know her, but as Jane Brown - but it was too late and she didn't get the job, oops, oh well.

@Svalberg
Very good points. My sister is a high flying company director and was actually head hunted for her current role. So her professional identity is hugely important.

I bet it's the new Mrs who is pissed about it.

Tough.

Why should your Dsis let go of the name she's well known as professionally? Even without that, it's a pain to change names on documents/passports etc. She's entitled to keep the name and it doesn't affect him one jot whether she does or not.

I agree that blocking and forgetting about him is the way forward.

Whilst I don’t agree he should contact you, I do agree it’s weird when people keep their married name if they have no kids and are divorced, I mean why would you want it?!

Honestly, I can kinda understand where he is coming from. That doesn't mean that your sister needs to do anything. She can keep the name, you can all block him and he and his soon to be wife has to delay with it. But he's entitled to have feelings about it, maybe even approach and ask. But he needs to let it go after asking and being told no.