Ex BIL messaging me

[thisisuttermadness]

NC for this.

Long story short, my sister and my ex BIL divorced around 6 years ago. All water under the bridge now, they don't have contact anymore, no kids together so a relatively straightforward separation. It was hard at the time as BIL had been a part of the family for a lot of years and I regarded him as more of a brother to be honest, so the separation was hard for the rest of the family but it was the right decision for my sister and we obviously stood by her as her family. I'm still friends with BIL on social media but no longer close, and in all honesty we have very little contact. I messaged him after his child was born to a new woman a couple years ago to congratulate him, and he replied thank you etc, but otherwise we don't generally speak.

Today I received a message from him out of the blue asking how I was. I replied that I was fine and asked about him etc, we had a pleasant exchange about our respective kids etc. All fine and pleasant. He then asked me if I knew why my sister was still using "his name", and that he'd discovered this recently and it bothered him. I said I didn't know why she had made this decision, and that it's not really anything to do with me, but I assumed it was because it was less hassle to keep her married name for practical reasons (my sister is a very pragmatic person). I explained this was likely the reason and he continued to state that this was "weird" and "wrong" and could I "suggest" to her that she should revert back to her maiden name. I said this wasn't my place and legally it's her name, and asked why it was a concern to him so many years down the line? He said that I wouldn't understand because I "hadn't been through it", but that this surname was "a part of him" and he didn't need the "constant reminder". Again, I asked how on earth he's being constantly reminded when he literally has no contact with my sister anymore? He couldn't answer this, just said "it's not her identity anymore, it's MY surname". I was going round in circles explaining to him that it was also in fact her legal surname to use as she wished and there was little he could do about that. He then stated that "there is only going to be one Mrs X soon and it's not her". I pointed out that there are many, many Mrs X's in the world and he didn't own the rights to that particular surname. I suggested he just focused on his new relationship/ wife to be and family and move on from what my sister chooses to do / not do. He then became defensive stating that "I don't care about her or what she does but I don't think this is right". I had to end the discussion as we were just going round in unhelpful circles and I was fed up of repeating myself.

I then spoke to my sister and she said he'd also been in touch with her recently out of the blue saying similar things, demanding to know why she wasn't changing her name. She said she told him she'd made a decision to keep the name she was known by in professional circles and just for ease. He was apparently unpleasant towards her so she ended up blocking him, hence he's now badgering her family members.

AIBU that this is just a ridiculous thing to for him to get wound up about? Why now, 6 years down the line is my sister's name suddenly an issue just because he's remarrying?! He surely cannot expect my sister to change her name just because he finds it "weird" and thinks its "not her identity"?! And also why is he bothering me with this?! I assume this has only become an issue because he's getting married again, but why should it matter? For context the surname is a very common one - think Smith / Jones - and so there'll be literally thousands of women with this name across the world and yet his new wife needs to be "the only one"?!

Aside from all of this, what has any of it got to to with me?! I wasn't even married to the guy!

The whole thing has just annoyed and baffled me and just wanted some outside perspectives! Thank you.

100% agree - this is exactly what's happened. I'd bet my house on it.

Omg PLEEEEASE message back:
'Just take your new wife's last name, problem solved'
Then block.
And then him and new wife will have one of those silly conversations where they both pretend that he couldn't possible take her name because of (vague, nonsensical reasons)

I get what you're saying. I think it's not so much about another woman pretending she belongs to my DH, because no-one belongs to anyone. It's more, that specific name, Mrs Surname, is for the wife of Mr Surname. Not before, not after, it's your "wedded name" your "name by marriage" so it makes sense in my head that you shouldn't be using it if you are no longer wed. Unless you're keeping for DC, as mentioned previously.

I appreciate others don't think the same. But my marriage is important to me. It's special. No, I wouldn't want another woman using my "wedded name".

I think you don't have to entertain BIL requests, but I do think you should handle this respectfully and not all this "tell the weird spying fiancée and idiot BIL to get stuffed" from other posters. It comes across like your sister is enjoying the idea that this upsets them. This obviously means a lot to them. And I think rightly so.

Suggest new wife double barrels as Mrs Second X.

Or, dilute it by all of you changing to X.

I would also suggest sister smoothes this over by adding Orginal X to hers.

@PossumintheHouse

No, you misunderstand. The messages were from 18 months AFTER the initial split (so a little over 4 years ago now). They were presumably sorting out practicalities, the sale of the house, the divorce papers, etc.. as part of that discussion my sister asked him about keeping his name - he replies "I'm not bothered at all, it's just a surname". Fast forward to now, he's suddenly bothered and seems to have forgotten that conversation 🤷‍♀️

Well I must be very strange then because I divorced over thirty years ago and still use my married name! I considered changing it but it's a lot of faffing around with legal documents so I didn't bother in the end. I found, sadly I know, that when I was younger you got less hassle being a Mrs than a Miss

@WillYouPutYourCoatOn

My sister certainly isn't enjoying any of this. She particularly didn't enjoy the verbal abuse she got from him that resulted in her blocking him! She's had no contact with him for so long, she's happy and moved on with her life, and he's just contacted her out of the blue with demands to know why she's still got his name (which I now have proof that he was happy with initially anyway!) and general unpleasantness towards her.

😂 going to assume this is a joke 😂

I don't know why folk get get up with names. Your maiden name is commonly the name you take from your father at birth. You don't get any choice.

If you choose to take the name of a husband, then it's yours, regardless of whether or not you divorce.

In reality it's just a name, call yourself what you want, there are bigger hills to die on.

I guess the wife to be wanted to be the only "Mrs X Whatever".

I know a couple where he changed his name to hers.

They divorced & both remarried.

Her 2nd husband also took her name.

Her first husband kept it & his 2nd wife now also has it!

Exactly this.

I wouldn't like it if my ex had my name to be fair. Though, my sons name is double barrelled and I've accidentally been called Mrs ExsName countless times by teachers, doctors etc over the years. He'd be fuming 🤣

I'm not sure if they've looked directly at her account as such, or just googled.

I tried it out - I googled her married name and the word "LinkedIn" and she is literally the first google hit that comes up. So they wouldn't need to necessarily see her profile - just Google her name plus "LinkedIn".

He's a hilarious idiot but it is a common way to behave. A woman I know was taken to court by her ex to 'get his name back' - the judge threw it out. Block him and accept he was never 'like a brother' - he was always this much of a knob head. He was never your friend, he used your social media to spy on his ex. He is a controlling asshole. Take your DS out for a drink and celebrate good riddance.

I'd hazard a guess to say he probably hasn't forgotten this conversation, but doesn't want to admit to his new partner that he had the conversation, and was hoping that your sister has changed her phone/not archived the message.

i.e. he's totally and utterly burying his head in the sand and doing whatever his new partner says for an easy life! At least this way, he can say he tried and it's all his ex's fault and not his!

Please send the screenshot - his partner is clearly watching this all unfold!

This is interesting, though, because it shows she did wonder if it was a problematic thing to do at the time and that’s why she asked. Which should perhaps make her more sympathetic.

Except, I get it, he gave her “permission” so she should be entitled to move on with her life and forget about it.

Some people like to use names to create feelings of togetherness. I don’t. I like to create togetherness in other ways. I think everybody should own their name and it should be unaffected by life changes. Otherwise these, and so many more, problems crop up.

Some people say that taking your husband’s name when you marry is no more feminist than keeping your father’s name. I disagree. The strength and meaning of your original name is bound up in the fact that you have always had it, it represents you, and you plan to remain the same person. Your marriage will be an alliance of two strong and equal parties, not a takeover. So, regardless of how you got your name in the first place, what is important is what it means to the owner.

However, some people do want to use their name to show that they are part of a team. I guess I have to allow them that, even though I do wish men were as willing to make the change as women (otherwise it just smacks of women being the subordinate members of the team).

The key thing is that once a person has a name, it’s theirs. It’s not their father’s or their husband’s. If a man takes a woman’s name it’s not his wife’s. If this were not the case, it would suggest that the original owner was the principal owner, the more important owner. And how crap is that? If you change your name, it’s still not really yours. No wonder men don’t want to do it.

Your sister changed her name to express togetherness. Now the togetherness has gone she wants to keep it for other reasons. That’s her prerogative.

But really, everyone, it’s a lot simpler if you don’t change your name. 18 months after the split, your sister thought she needed to check if her ex would be ok with her keeping the name. Don’t give yourself a name that you think somebody else is in charge of.

You said he only found out about this recently, in which case it wouldn't have bothered him the last 6 years because he didn't know about it. To be honest I kind of agree with him. I think it is a bit weird that your sister doesn't want to let go of his name and move on herself years after divorcing him. His name is no longer a part of her. That stopped when they divorced. If the marriage was that bad it ended in divorce why would she want to keep his surname anyway?

A simple "I can't do anything about this situation and my sister has given you her reasons for keeping her name as is. I won't be discussing it further."

@WillYouPutYourCoatOn the etiquette is that the divorced woman keeps her married name on divorce, but the form changes. So where she was previously "Mrs Thomas Todger", after divorce she is "Mrs Jane Todger" and a new wife will be "Mrs Thomas Todger" should Mr Todger remarry.

Yes.

But no one actually does this anymore. Much like eating soup by pushing the spoon away from you. Correct etiquette. Not real world normal practice.

My dad tried this with DM, despite the fact that on divorce my parents had been married 18 years, so nearly half my mother's life, her entire professional career and they had three children together. She just laughed at him. And it wasn't a common name so she was resigned to a life associated with him which she actually didn't want. But she valued having the same name as her children.

The fact is if I wanted to I could change my name to Mrs exBIL just because I felt like it and there'd be nothing he could do.

I've been divorced 12 years and still have my husbands name. It does annoy him tho but I don't really care.

My mother has been divorced 47 years and she still has my dad's name.

I was going to say he was being a groomzilla, but actually it’s bridezilla!

I've already (clearly, I thought) explained why she chose not to change it - she couldn't be bothered with the hassle, it's the name she's been known by in a professional context for many years now, and, added to which, as Ive updated - my ex BIL actually indicated in a text following their split that he "wasn't bothered, it's only a name" when she enquired as to his views about her keeping it or not.

Lots of good reasons for my sister to just think, OK I won't bother then and I'll just get on with my life. As did my BIL, for 4 years, until he pops up out of the blue coincidentally around the time he is due to remarry, suddenly having an issue with my sister's name (after presumably having stalked her on LinkedIn - and he has the audacity to call her weird?), and demanding to know why she won't change it.

It's very, very clear where this has come from and why it's an issue. His new fiancée presumably doesn't want to marry a man who's ex wife still has the same name. I don't think that's entirely reasonable, personally.

I made it very clear to my ex if I took his name it would be mine forever no matter what happened.

I have mortgages, degrees, passports, and professional identities in two countries. No way in hell I'm going to change back!

DS (not his) was born a few years ago and as DP is half Spanish, so we gave DS both our surnames in that style. Thus ex's name is also part of my kid's legal identity.

But it's not his anymore. It's mine.