To not pick my 14 year old daughter up from school?

[Str3bor]

DD is 14 and in year 10. We moved in with my partner a year ago and as such we now live 20 mins away from her school (40 minute round trip) there is no direct public transport route. If she makes her own way home she has to get the school bus to to the train station and then get the train home, all in all it take her just over an hour but is doable.

Me and partner work it between us to take her, he sometimes drops her off in the morning on his way into work. Doing this she gets into school 10 minutes earlier than she would like to but my partner needs to get her in for this time so he is on time for work. I will take her when he is not and will usually try and pick her up and will work my day so that I can.

This morning she was refusing to leave because she still had ‘1 minute’ before the time they usually leave. This is after being shouted down and told that it’s time to go and getting bad attitude back from her. I lost my rag with her and told her she goes when she is told or she or she can get the train in the morning to school. She point blank refuses to do this.

when you take her or pick her up there is not a please or thank you from her, she doesn’t say a word in the car and trying to talk to her is hard work. The same goes when she wants to see her friend of a weekend she expects me to drop everything and pick her up and drop her off again not a please or thanks in sight or any sign of appreciation (they are also a 40 minute round trip away).

her brother goes to the local school so makes his own way whilst I pick her up, she refuses to move schools which is her choice and I appreciate at this stage in her school life it would be hard for her and disruptive. She also says it’s my own fault for moving house so I have to take her.

now whilst I don’t mind continuing with taking her in morning I am thinking would I be unreasonable to start making her get the bus/train home from school?

I am just starting to resent her attitude, she doesn’t appreciate anything we do for her and constantly moans about something, she has no manners and and just back chats constantly and I’m getting fed up of bending over backwards for her when she can’t even say please or thanks mum.

@bluedelphiniums · Today 17:11 I expected more from a teacher. You should know better about the horrible period teenagers and their families go through. Hopefully you are more patient and understanding in real life.

Typical mumsnet pile on. And blended families are red rags to a bull.

It doesn't sound far, 20 minutes drive. We moved further away from DC's old school, an hour door to door walking and train. The teens had the choice of travel or move school. One did a couple of weeks of travel at the end of Y10, didn't like it and wanted to move school. We wouldn't have considered driving them and no doubt we wouldn't have got any thanks (sorry OP, this is typical! Holidays are a particular bug bear. Even the one that was so positive and enthusiastic at 12 was a nightmare at 15). This DC started a new school in Y11 (I know!), did have a lot of support and private tutoring but ended up with much better GCSEs than they would have done at the old school. By their own admission.

She sounds like a 14 year old…

It sounds like she’s been through a lot in the last few years. You seem to have a very authoritarian attitude towards her as well, “I’m the adult, she’s the child”. Well she won’t be a child for much longer and she’ll remember how you treated her during these difficult adolescent years. Meet her hostility with hostility and you’ll push her further away, meet it with compassion and she’ll come back to you in a couple of years (and probably apologise profusely for how rude she was to you as a teenager!)

As others have said, you chose to move an hour by public transport away from her school, you should probably help her get there and back and not necessarily expect thanks. And if you say that leaving time is a certain time then expect her to be ready to leave by that time but no earlier - one of my biggest bug bears is people who say they want to leave at one time then start hassling you to get in the car earlier than they said.

The pile-on's been aimed at the teen, not OP. It's been horrible to read.

Yep - it makes for some really uncomfortable reading.

I think you are being harshly treated. There's more than just the lifts. I wouldn't tolerate DC talking to me like that or barking orders/ shopping lists at me. When she wants a lift to a friend's the answer would be no and not just no lift but she's not going if she's been a brat and no funds either. If you are back posting in a few years about DD people on here will say it's your fault for not sorting her out earlier!

I would not move a child in their GCSE years - it is highly unlikely the local school would match her existing subject choices. Even if they offered all her subjects - it won't mean she could do them due to timetabling or they are likely different exams boards, teachers have chosen to follow different timings paths.
And that doesn't cover her making new friends etc.
I think she needs to be more polite to you but quite frankly you moved to be with your partner and now I think you need to consider her education needs for the next 18 months and she can move locally for 6th form.
Making her travel 2hrs a day because you wanted to live with your boyfriend is not great and she might resent you and him.
She may not talk after school because she is exhausted from her day and would be a mess of hormones and needs some time to decompress.

Moving a child her age away from her school, to move in with your boyfriend, in her GCSE years, is massive deal. I'm not saying you shouldn't have done it, but I am saying you need to recognise just how big an impact this has on her. As adults we have a lot of experience that can give us perspective on these situations. At her age she has very little life experience and will be living in a very small world of school and a few friends. What you've done is a really big deal. Sit her down for a chat and tell her you recognise what a massive thing this is in her life and ask her to tell you how she's feeling about it all. Don't even mention the problem with her attitude over other things, that would turn it into a conversation about what you want. Just listen to her. Have a conversation about her attitude at a later date, but first make sure she knows that you know what she's going through.

Are you a teacher which teachers GCSES? We have twins in different schools who had almost identical subjects choices but I could tell from their books and homework that due to different exam boards etc they could not sit each other's exams and do well.

I think theres a couple of issues going on here.

Firstly if your daughter is not saying please or thank you and has attitude, did she use her manners before the move or has it been brought to your attention since, is it her just being a teenager and throwing strops?

Secondly, she sounds unhappy, think id take her out just you and her maybe cinema and pizza afterwards, see if you can get her to open up.

Shes 14, a couple of years will pass very quickly of you playing taxi to her. I think most of us have done this during teen years.

Just read some of the previous threads you posted. You need to look at everything in the round and think about what it's like for your kids to be living with you and your partner right now.

She’s 14
she could be in her first gcse year ie 14/15
or she could be in the year before ie 13/14

OP hasn’t said

This. Insist on manners and rise above the rest. She will grow out of it.

@Wingham Op said her dd is in year 10

Just read some of the previous threads you posted. You need to look at everything in the round and think about what it's like for your kids to be living with you and your partner right now.

After you said that, I’ve just had a look and I’m not surprised your daughter has been unhappy for a while OP.

Yes. While 14yr olds can just be rude and selfish generally, their behaviour is sometimes a manifestation of how unhappy they are. Not saying that's the case here op but your previous threads do have a theme. I'd maybe namechange too as I'd bet this is all very identifying.

I looked at the username when i read that and yes i remembered a couple. At least you still have your house, op. Very sensible.

it mist be real’y difficult for you. Ex who is a gobshite and new partner who, while seemingly reasonable in this one scenario, has the potential to be truly awful for you too.

This.

This is exactly what I said and my post was deleted by MN.

I don't know if we're not allowed to reference other posts but there's information in the OP's other posts that's extremely relevant to this one. No wonder DD is so unhappy.

YABVU and you are making no concessions for the fact that you have upended your daughter's life, moved away from where she lived etc etc
and expect her to travel a long time to get home from school. In your daughter's shoes? i wouldn't have bothered going home under those circumstances. Obvs your daughter isn't (yet?) as bloshy as me, but you never know.

You need to talk to her properly. And make sure you listen to what she says (and what she doesn't say).

I'm not saying you roll over and give her everything she wants or a free pass to be rude, but if I have understood correctly you've gone from a household of 3 to a household of 8 in a new home, in the last year? It's a lot for everyone to manage. At 14 she's still growing a lot of the brain function that helps adults to manage change.

if I have understood correctly you've gone from a household of 3 to a household of 8 in a new home, in the last year

Yes. The op has moved in with her dp and his 4 children. And she does everything for all 6 kids because he can't be bothered.

At 14 she's still growing a lot of the brain function that helps adults to manage change.

This is what so many adults seem to forget. Add some hormones and tiredness to that. Most teenagers are doing their best, they really are.