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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pick my 14 year old daughter up from school?

310 replies

Str3bor · 07/02/2024 13:31

DD is 14 and in year 10. We moved in with my partner a year ago and as such we now live 20 mins away from her school (40 minute round trip) there is no direct public transport route. If she makes her own way home she has to get the school bus to to the train station and then get the train home, all in all it take her just over an hour but is doable.

Me and partner work it between us to take her, he sometimes drops her off in the morning on his way into work. Doing this she gets into school 10 minutes earlier than she would like to but my partner needs to get her in for this time so he is on time for work. I will take her when he is not and will usually try and pick her up and will work my day so that I can.

This morning she was refusing to leave because she still had ‘1 minute’ before the time they usually leave. This is after being shouted down and told that it’s time to go and getting bad attitude back from her. I lost my rag with her and told her she goes when she is told or she or she can get the train in the morning to school. She point blank refuses to do this.

when you take her or pick her up there is not a please or thank you from her, she doesn’t say a word in the car and trying to talk to her is hard work. The same goes when she wants to see her friend of a weekend she expects me to drop everything and pick her up and drop her off again not a please or thanks in sight or any sign of appreciation (they are also a 40 minute round trip away).

her brother goes to the local school so makes his own way whilst I pick her up, she refuses to move schools which is her choice and I appreciate at this stage in her school life it would be hard for her and disruptive. She also says it’s my own fault for moving house so I have to take her.

now whilst I don’t mind continuing with taking her in morning I am thinking would I be unreasonable to start making her get the bus/train home from school?

I am just starting to resent her attitude, she doesn’t appreciate anything we do for her and constantly moans about something, she has no manners and and just back chats constantly and I’m getting fed up of bending over backwards for her when she can’t even say please or thanks mum.

OP posts:
Strictlymad · 07/02/2024 19:03

The school day finishes when it does to allow children down time, homework, family etc. I don’t think you should take this away by giving her a long journey home.

OhmygodDont · 07/02/2024 19:04

Woah 4 new children and a new adult male in one house move. Wow.

No wonder things anit smooth. This best be some mega house and not you’ve squished 6 children into a three bed house.

Parentofeanda · 07/02/2024 19:08

personally i wouldnt be making my kid travel an hour to school and then an hour back, for me travel has to be 20-25 minutes maximum.

Fingeronthebutton · 07/02/2024 19:12

Typical 14 yr old. I think you’re getting off lightly judging her with my granddaughter.

allmyliesaretrue · 07/02/2024 19:14

Jarstastic · 07/02/2024 16:36

Yes, they can! It is perfectly legal. 14 gives more options than 13. They just have restricted hours than a 16 year old*. The cafes and pubs in my area have 14 and 15 year olds washing up.

*Actually hours don't change when they turn 16/have a National Insurance number (though at this point I think they may need to be paid PAYE/bank transfer). The hours change when they have reached 'school leaving age', end of Year 11. Though they still need to stay in education in some form after until 18.

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Not where I live.

allmyliesaretrue · 07/02/2024 19:16

Prunesqualler · 07/02/2024 16:43

There’s a school closer that she could walk to
There is public transport
This is why there are so many cars on the road dropping kids off that could take public transport. She’s 14!
No wonder we have a such a problem with pollution with all these cars on the road doing pointless journeys.

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You miss the point in spectacular fashion. I cba even tearing that apart!!

Redcar78 · 07/02/2024 19:19

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

This, you've prioritised a man. You've lost your daughter whatever you may think. I was your daughter and I've never forgiven my mum for making the same choices. This would have been my mum's post 30 years ago if MN had been around 🤷‍♀️

ArabellaScott · 07/02/2024 19:19

Februarydaffodil · 07/02/2024 15:29

She sounds like a typical teen all be it a pretty unhappy one .

This is my feeling.

She sounds unhappy, OP. It's not acceptable for her to be rude, but it also sounds like she needs some time spent listening to her and working out what is making her unhappy.

allmyliesaretrue · 07/02/2024 19:22

bluedelphiniums · 07/02/2024 17:11

Very enlightening as a teacher to see how many parents let their kids dictate their every decision, and how they defend their rudeness because OP has (shock, horror) decided to move in with a man that isn't her father, without knowing any of her back story. Yes the child might be unsettled temporarily, but doesn't excuse their rude, bolshy attitude. This sense of entitlement that MN affords children is what makes so many of them bloody hard to manage in school. 'You are at the centre of everyone's world DC and we won't do anything that you don't give us permission to do.' Great life lesson, not.

Well as a teacher surely you might also see the damage caused to a young teenager who is forced to leave everything familiar to her, to move in with a random man and his 4 children?? Surely that could do a lot more harm than being "unsettled temporarily"??

You sound like you have an axe to grind here!

And if you have sufficient intelligence to be a teacher, which I am assuming you are, you will notice that the thread is about one bolshy teenager, who has good reason to be angry with the world, and not teenagers in general. I don't see anyone excusing bad manners and rudeness?

allmyliesaretrue · 07/02/2024 19:27

Thementalloadisreal · 07/02/2024 17:18

Shocked to see a teacher be so dismissive of a child’s emotions and experiences to be honest. I hope you’re not involved with pastoral care.

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Couldn't agree more!

She sounds very defensive...

allmyliesaretrue · 07/02/2024 19:30

MushMonster · 07/02/2024 17:32

She needs to grow up.
Natural consequences is the best way of teaching. I would let her get the bus/ train if you arepositive she is not getting herself into any trouble.
Or go for letting her make her way to and from other activitiesif you have any inkling she may stop going to school, getting there late....
And I will make clear that if you do not see a clear improvement in her attitude, appreciation, gratefullness and general demeanour, then change her school.

Way to go if you want her to truant.

She's already well on her way to becoming a school refuser. Then the shit will hit the fan!

BlokeHereInPeace · 07/02/2024 19:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Seasaltsquall · 07/02/2024 19:34

1987qwerty · 07/02/2024 13:39

You're the ones that changed things. Should have considered the impact fully.

I agree with this. I would have hated this at age 14.

allmyliesaretrue · 07/02/2024 19:35

SpidersAreShitheads · 07/02/2024 17:35

I mean this kindly OP but have you ever actually stopped to really think about how she might be feeling? I mean honestly and genuinely thought about things from her perspective?

Or are you too caught up in your annoyance at her "bad attitude" to have taken a step back to consider it more objectively?

In your posts, there's a lot of "us/we" type language about you and your partner - and a lot of hostile/confrontational language about your daughter. For example "we shout up and she barks back" - when actually you've shouted up the stairs so she's just shouted back.....so matching your style of communication? Your insistence on using the description of her "refusing" to move schools reeks of disapproval when lots of PP have told you why it would be a terrible idea to make her move schools now. It just comes across very much as you/your DP vs your DD - and if your DD is sensing the same, she's going to be feeling pretty shit.

Yes, undoubtedly part of it is a typical teen attitude which stinks sometimes. Good parenting is loving your child even when they don't make it easy, and de-escalating situations while maintaining appropriate boundaries. You seem to be very reactive to your DD and quite outraged at her "attitude" and responses, which suggests that maybe you're not making ideal choices either.

The other thing is that you might have moved to a "better" area but your DD won't care too much about that. You've uprooted her during important school years and she's now further from her friends/network. You moved solely to accommodate your relationship with your DP, and in doing so you've created a more challenging school/social situation for your DD. Did you discuss this with her first? Did you acknowledge any of this to her? Your irritated "I'm the adult, she's just a child, I make the decisions" comment suggests that maybe your attitude is just as bad as hers....and at least partially why you're in this situation now.

No one is suggesting you shouldn't have a relationship, but you seem to have put your own needs first without actually considering the fact that these things will have an impact on her. Or considered the fact that she might not see things the same way as you.

There's nothing wrong with pulling her up on unacceptable rudeness but as part of that you need to consider the root cause, and also how you communicate to her too. Being the adult doesn't mean that you get a free pass - she is equally as deserving of consideration and respectful communication, particularly when major life decisions have been made which have significantly affected her.

Excellent post, very insightful.

I also wonder if the OP's DS is the favoured child, the good boy who was willing to change schools?

HauntingSounds · 07/02/2024 19:38

I don't know if we're not allowed to reference other posts but there's information in the OP's other posts that's extremely relevant to this one. No wonder DD is so unhappy.

I’m not sure if it’s allowed or not but I think it’s wrong for OP to talk about her daughters behaviour without any reference to the huge changes she’s had to cope with in the last few years.

Keeping it general, parents splitting and not getting on, them being in a new relationship, issues in that relationship, rows at home, new step siblings, moving house, living with new people can impact children hugely.

Bookworm1111 · 07/02/2024 19:39

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

You cannot list people's previous threads like this.

Stupidliefromfriend · 07/02/2024 19:40

It's really tricky OP. Firstly, you are absolutely right that if you let this attitude slide she might become worse into adulthood. But secondly because her going through a very difficult age along with some upheaval it's hard for you to gauge if it's a phase she will grow out of or if there's more going on with her.

I think you need to take some deep breaths and tackle it like so :

Be very very clear and consistent on what's happening. If you're leaving at 8am, leave at 8am not earlier or later. When you know your work schedule stick on the wall what the weekly travel plans for her will be.

Being told off about your attitude is too vague, confusing and hurtful to a teen. She may just genuinely feel down in the dumps. She's allowed to not be happy.

However calling out behaviours is fine - each and every time. Not dramatically but consistently. And be clear of the consequences.

Eg. When getting into the car "if you don't want to chat that's ok but im letting you know that the bare minimum I expect is a thank you for the lift." And if she doesn't deliver the next day say the same thing. Then the third day say the same thing, remind her she ignored you the last two times and if it's repeated she will be travelling home on public transport. And so on.

She needs to feel safe, that there is structure and she is still at your centre. It's been a lot of change.

You might find that if you take the pressure off, let her sit and listen to the radio then ask her stressfree questions like "what are you watching on netflix" the conversations might open up.

Don't give up on her. She's acting out because she's struggling.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 07/02/2024 19:42

Str3bor · 07/02/2024 13:46

She will still get dropped off in the morning and I actually don’t mind picking her up but she has zero manners and is just rude, she is like this with everyone and I feel ashamed sometimes. My poor dad loves her and if we go to see that I end up arguing with her over making her go and say bye to him because she won’t.

we actually only live 20 mins drive away in a better area, if me and her dad were still together and decided we wanted to move to a better area would you still make these comments? She is the child and I am the adult making decisions. Her brother goes to a better school because of it and whilst she won’t move schools herself she gets dropped off and picked up every day and I accept that as the decision I made to move. However what I don’t accept is her rudeness and lack of manners and generally just treating us like Uber drivers that don’t get paid

Look I’m not wanting to add to the kicking but I think you are deliberately downplaying the huge emotional upheaval your dd has been through. You’ve moved her from her home and her friends to live with your partner in a different house and area. Any move at this age would be fraught but this is a massive change for her to deal with when she’s already going through enough with her hormones.

I have a dd this age so I understand how awful they can be, but it’s our job to support them and not make their life unnecessarily difficult. You obviously had your reasons and I’m not here to judge but there is very little that would make me uproot my kids in that way at this age. You made the decision and there was bound to be a reaction to it, it’s up to you to deal with it as an adult and try and support her. Expecting gratitude for getting her to the school that you moved further away from isn’t that.

allmyliesaretrue · 07/02/2024 19:43

That poor child.

sockinapot · 07/02/2024 19:44

Op do you even comprehend how important it is that YOU (not your partner) help your daughter out at this age. Even when she sometimes don’t deserve it. To help her take a good path, not a crappy one.

It was certainly not a good choice to have moved in with 5 new family members.

I don’t know, I just feel so sad for her. And it’s sad that you don’t, her own mum.

Prunesqualler · 07/02/2024 19:48

Bookworm1111 · 07/02/2024 19:39

You cannot list people's previous threads like this.

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Trolling reported.
Have asked MN to post advice here. Louds of posts have been deleted.

BodenCardiganNot · 07/02/2024 19:50

@Prunesqualler
The op left a lot of significant info out of her posts, which shows the situation in a completely different light. Why is is trolling to point that out?

themusingsofaninsomniac · 07/02/2024 19:51

Sorry but I'd say this was all on you. Should have put her first and held off moving until after she finished school

sockinapot · 07/02/2024 19:52

BodenCardiganNot · 07/02/2024 19:50

@Prunesqualler
The op left a lot of significant info out of her posts, which shows the situation in a completely different light. Why is is trolling to point that out?

But it’s up to op to write her post the way she wants to though. Maybe from a new perspective.

allmyliesaretrue · 07/02/2024 19:53

Prunesqualler · 07/02/2024 19:48

Trolling reported.
Have asked MN to post advice here. Louds of posts have been deleted.

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Calm down, it's deleted.

I agree, it's not on.