To not pick my 14 year old daughter up from school?

[Str3bor]

DD is 14 and in year 10. We moved in with my partner a year ago and as such we now live 20 mins away from her school (40 minute round trip) there is no direct public transport route. If she makes her own way home she has to get the school bus to to the train station and then get the train home, all in all it take her just over an hour but is doable.

Me and partner work it between us to take her, he sometimes drops her off in the morning on his way into work. Doing this she gets into school 10 minutes earlier than she would like to but my partner needs to get her in for this time so he is on time for work. I will take her when he is not and will usually try and pick her up and will work my day so that I can.

This morning she was refusing to leave because she still had ‘1 minute’ before the time they usually leave. This is after being shouted down and told that it’s time to go and getting bad attitude back from her. I lost my rag with her and told her she goes when she is told or she or she can get the train in the morning to school. She point blank refuses to do this.

when you take her or pick her up there is not a please or thank you from her, she doesn’t say a word in the car and trying to talk to her is hard work. The same goes when she wants to see her friend of a weekend she expects me to drop everything and pick her up and drop her off again not a please or thanks in sight or any sign of appreciation (they are also a 40 minute round trip away).

her brother goes to the local school so makes his own way whilst I pick her up, she refuses to move schools which is her choice and I appreciate at this stage in her school life it would be hard for her and disruptive. She also says it’s my own fault for moving house so I have to take her.

now whilst I don’t mind continuing with taking her in morning I am thinking would I be unreasonable to start making her get the bus/train home from school?

I am just starting to resent her attitude, she doesn’t appreciate anything we do for her and constantly moans about something, she has no manners and and just back chats constantly and I’m getting fed up of bending over backwards for her when she can’t even say please or thanks mum.

🤣🤣🤣

You seem to have disappeared @Str3bor

If you’re still reading I’m suspecting this is a much deeper issue than what your AIBU poses. Your DD has had a lot to cope with in the last few years. Has she had any emotional/mental support to deal with all of the changes?

Is your mental health and relationship stable because if not this is going to affect her ( and the other children)

You seem quite immature and on the offensive with her when she needs loving, supporting and nurturing. Do you ever get time just you and her?

Withdrawing lifts from her is a very knee jerk reaction to a girl who probably just needs some understanding from you.

yeah her attitude stinks sometimes, it’s probably a reaction to (what seems) a quite unstable life. You’re an adult, your behaviour will be noticed and mirrored.

Think of her

MNHQ believe it is as I’ve seen loads deleted.
Trolling is when you search a MN and refer to past thread posts / info.

It is what it is, I don’t make up the rules, whether it’s relevant or not.

If dp has no kids he should have moved to you imo.

@maddening
He has 4 children.

Ah sorry long day and missed that.

Don’t need calming down🤣🤣🤣
I simply asked MNHQ to explain trolling as I think MNs here aren’t aware it’s not allowed.

You're either incredibly dense or wilfully ignorant.

This isn't about the lifts.

She doesn't like living with your partner. She's moved into his house, completely his territory. Most people let alone teenagers would absolutely hate this.

How long have you two been together? When did you break up with her dad?

I HATE being told to calm down. It's a shite comment that men come out with when a woman dares to speak up.

Thankyou @Bookworm1111 i agree it’s very demeaning.

The martyr mums are out in force here! You should never ever do anything that might affect a child's life, in case they are a tiny bit inconvenienced and have to learn that the world does not revolve around them.

I would tell her straight that she is being a rude little madam and if she doesn't give her head a bit of a wobble, she can just get the train after half-term. An hour's journey on public transport isn't the end of the world - lots of kids in London do it. My school was well over an hour from home.

@QueenBean22 She said the bus was an hour?

I just hope that OP realises there are big problems here and that she manages to repair her relationship with her daughter for both their sakes. There’s no point trying getting people online to side with you whilst missing out the background which adds relevant context. OP needs to be honest about what her daughter has been through and is having to cope with, because it changes how you deal with the difficulties shes having and attitudes/behaviour being displayed by her.

Well I am a woman so your comment is irrelevant.

Anyway I haven't told you to calm down yet.

When I was rude to my parents it was because I had no respect for them (also moved away in my teen years)
Was told to just deal with it, something that might help is some 1 on 1 positive time spent together and actually listen to her forget your ego for moment if you wish to have an adult relationship in fews years
Therapy for you both might help too, clearly communication break down

Your internal resentment will be obvious and she's probably struggling alot more than your giving her credit for
Adults who can apologise and mend after fights will have children who hold respect for them

@PonyPatter44
You should never ever do anything that might affect a child's life, in case they are a tiny bit inconvenienced and have to learn that the world does not revolve around them.
So moving your children in with a man and his 4 children, who does nothing for any of his children, is a tiny inconvenience?

Talk about trivialising a difficult situation for the child!

Let her get on with living with 5 people she probably doesn't want to live with, give her head a wobble.

I don’t really understand this attitude of “teens are rude”. I’m sure they are, my boyfriend works with them! I get that it’s part of it. But fuck me, there was no way my parents ever “picked their battles” with any of us. Had I even once had an attitude with my dad I’d have been walking to school.

I’m not even saying how they did things was right. It’s just bizarre to see people taking a totally different attitude and parenting completely differently to how I was.

Ultimately I can see why she’s annoyed but rudeness isn’t acceptable and considering you’re currently driving her to and from school I don’t think that particular aspect of the situation is that bad for her.

Being forced to share a home with mum's new bloke and four new step siblings is a lot more than a tiny inconvenience. People love to play that kind of emotional upheaval down though by trotting out the old "I'm allowed a life too". It is NOT being a martyr to want to look after your child's emotional wellbeing.

You being a woman doesn't make it okay.

It’s not a tiny inconvenience though is it? It’s a massive upheaval in the poor girl’s life at a time she needs stability and love.

not made to feel like a burden

DS cycles twenty minutes to school, same on the return. It's a 45 minute walk home. He prefers to cycle.

It’s really hard but your guilt at moving is making you over compensate. You created a safe lovely home for your daughter and made a decision you’re entitled to make. Now believe in yourself and stop putting up with her crap.

You created a safe lovely home for your daughter

Now you're having a laugh.