To not pick my 14 year old daughter up from school?

[Str3bor]

DD is 14 and in year 10. We moved in with my partner a year ago and as such we now live 20 mins away from her school (40 minute round trip) there is no direct public transport route. If she makes her own way home she has to get the school bus to to the train station and then get the train home, all in all it take her just over an hour but is doable.

Me and partner work it between us to take her, he sometimes drops her off in the morning on his way into work. Doing this she gets into school 10 minutes earlier than she would like to but my partner needs to get her in for this time so he is on time for work. I will take her when he is not and will usually try and pick her up and will work my day so that I can.

This morning she was refusing to leave because she still had ‘1 minute’ before the time they usually leave. This is after being shouted down and told that it’s time to go and getting bad attitude back from her. I lost my rag with her and told her she goes when she is told or she or she can get the train in the morning to school. She point blank refuses to do this.

when you take her or pick her up there is not a please or thank you from her, she doesn’t say a word in the car and trying to talk to her is hard work. The same goes when she wants to see her friend of a weekend she expects me to drop everything and pick her up and drop her off again not a please or thanks in sight or any sign of appreciation (they are also a 40 minute round trip away).

her brother goes to the local school so makes his own way whilst I pick her up, she refuses to move schools which is her choice and I appreciate at this stage in her school life it would be hard for her and disruptive. She also says it’s my own fault for moving house so I have to take her.

now whilst I don’t mind continuing with taking her in morning I am thinking would I be unreasonable to start making her get the bus/train home from school?

I am just starting to resent her attitude, she doesn’t appreciate anything we do for her and constantly moans about something, she has no manners and and just back chats constantly and I’m getting fed up of bending over backwards for her when she can’t even say please or thanks mum.

So you’ve massively inconvenienced her by moving away but you expect her to be thanking you?

Again I agree
Its also interesting how this attitude can affect them at school as you have clearly experienced.

Got to say this is also how I’d feel at that age too.

An hours commute is perfectly doable for a child, although not ideal. Personally I’d drop her at school and let her find her own way home so that she understands the effort involved with commuting. It’s quite common for teens to be entitled and grumpy, so best role model how to show appreciation and how to interact. Don’t take the grump personally, don’t give the grumpy behaviour attention.

Pretty sure the ones in school who act out are not the ones whose parents decide to make their home lives secure for them by not moving partners in.

We might all feel similar at that age, but we soon learned that we don't rule others, and that manner oil the wheels of favours.

Shocked to see a teacher be so dismissive of a child’s emotions and experiences to be honest. I hope you’re not involved with pastoral care.

Some of the comments on here about the DD are awful. She's still a child, she's gone through watching her parents get divorced, and now she's been forced to move away from her home and the area she knows to live with her mother's boyfriend and his three kids alongside her own two siblings. School could be the only constant in her life right now, but even that's a nightmare because of the longer commute. I'm not excusing her rudeness but if she's not a very happy child at the moment it's no wonder she's acting out.

Based on this post I do think you'll have to swallow it, for the sake of her actually getting there.

If you don't take her or pick her up, she'll just refuse to go at all. At least this way you know she is going, attitude or not.

Thankfully for my mother, I didn't have an attitude as a teenager, but I know many that did. They have all grown up (mostly!) to be nice, respectable women, who have good relationships with their parents, but I would imagine many of their parents felt the same way you do when they were teenagers. It is only a phase of time you have to navigate through until they're out the other side.

You moved too far away and if it now takes her twice as long to get home from school and is difficult for her when meeting with friends, perhaps she resents you for it. I think you should continue to take her and collect her, but of course she shouldn't be rude about that, and shouldn't refuse to be ready on time. As far as thanking you for driving her - I'm not sure she has to be grateful when it was your decision to make her journey complicated. Presumably if you hadn't moved in with your partner she would have walked on her own or with friends.
Are you sure she's happy about the move at all? Maybe she doesn't want to live with your partner?

This I feel a bit sorry for your daughter as this has had a big impact on her day to day life

Could you not have waited until she finished school to move in with your boyfriend? I don’t think many kids say ‘thanks’ to their parents for dropping them at school, it’s kind of what you signed up for.

I refer back to my previous post where I said my parents got off lightly. I used to have to get public transport to school and on the days where one of my parents was able to pick me up I always said thank you!

That said, I agree with a PP that I wouldn't expect OP's DD to always be grateful when the situation of requiring a lift isn't of her own making.

I think letting her get the train and bus back in the afternoons is a good idea.

Also stop giving her treats if she’s rude.

Do positive reinforcement when she isn’t rude.

Sorry but I cannot find where it says the partner and op have six children between them. Please can someone point it out to me?

@Str3bor when you take her or pick her up there is not a please or thank you from her,

I always remember a quote from the TV show Supernatural.

"Kids aren't supposed to be grateful. They're supposed to eat your food and break your heart."

Stupid programme but I always thought the quote hit it on the head.

She needs to grow up.
Natural consequences is the best way of teaching. I would let her get the bus/ train if you arepositive she is not getting herself into any trouble.
Or go for letting her make her way to and from other activitiesif you have any inkling she may stop going to school, getting there late....
And I will make clear that if you do not see a clear improvement in her attitude, appreciation, gratefullness and general demeanour, then change her school.

Children of parent who parent are greatful, or will become grateful.

Personally OP when she behaves in this manner I’d drop her off at school as normal and then advise her she has to make her own way home due to her behaviour and attitude this morning and follow through with it.

I understand she’s frustrated however she can’t have it all ways and she needs to realise her behaviour has consequences.

I mean this kindly OP but have you ever actually stopped to really think about how she might be feeling? I mean honestly and genuinely thought about things from her perspective?

Or are you too caught up in your annoyance at her "bad attitude" to have taken a step back to consider it more objectively?

In your posts, there's a lot of "us/we" type language about you and your partner - and a lot of hostile/confrontational language about your daughter. For example "we shout up and she barks back" - when actually you've shouted up the stairs so she's just shouted back.....so matching your style of communication? Your insistence on using the description of her "refusing" to move schools reeks of disapproval when lots of PP have told you why it would be a terrible idea to make her move schools now. It just comes across very much as you/your DP vs your DD - and if your DD is sensing the same, she's going to be feeling pretty shit.

Yes, undoubtedly part of it is a typical teen attitude which stinks sometimes. Good parenting is loving your child even when they don't make it easy, and de-escalating situations while maintaining appropriate boundaries. You seem to be very reactive to your DD and quite outraged at her "attitude" and responses, which suggests that maybe you're not making ideal choices either.

The other thing is that you might have moved to a "better" area but your DD won't care too much about that. You've uprooted her during important school years and she's now further from her friends/network. You moved solely to accommodate your relationship with your DP, and in doing so you've created a more challenging school/social situation for your DD. Did you discuss this with her first? Did you acknowledge any of this to her? Your irritated "I'm the adult, she's just a child, I make the decisions" comment suggests that maybe your attitude is just as bad as hers....and at least partially why you're in this situation now.

No one is suggesting you shouldn't have a relationship, but you seem to have put your own needs first without actually considering the fact that these things will have an impact on her. Or considered the fact that she might not see things the same way as you.

There's nothing wrong with pulling her up on unacceptable rudeness but as part of that you need to consider the root cause, and also how you communicate to her too. Being the adult doesn't mean that you get a free pass - she is equally as deserving of consideration and respectful communication, particularly when major life decisions have been made which have significantly affected her.

This. And then expect her to be grateful...🙄🤨

Perfectly put. Easy to see where some kids get their entitlement from. It's time to grow up and consider other people.

What’s the consequence when she refuses to leave the house at the time she wants to leave?

Teenager girls can be like this. It is so soul destroying but it is common. I hated and was difficult to ignore. Hopefully it gets better.