Aibu to think my parents should buy me a bed?

[Girlinengland]

I moved out of my parents house for uni at 18, moved back in with them at 21 then went to live in a rented house share a few years later. My parents were not supportive of this, saying I should save money to buy a house (I was working and earning well) but I don’t regret it one bit, I had the best years of my life in that house. I think that’s the reason why I wasn’t asked if I needed anything for my new house.

Years later, my sibling moved out to live with her boyfriend in the flat he’d bought. My parents bought them a bed. Not your average cheap Ikea bed - I’m talking one of those very pricey ones, and other bits and pieces.

I told my parents I was disappointed I’d not been offered anything when I moved out and they said “when you move in with a boyfriend we’ll buy you a bed too.”

So… I’m only worthy of a bed if I’m shacked up then? Great.

When I did move in with my boyfriend a year or so ago, I kept dropping hints we were bed shopping and my mum never ever offered to buy us one, despite previous promises. For some reason asking outright made me uncomfortable and it upset me she may have “forgotten” to ask what I need.

We’re now moving out of that house to live a few hours away, but I’ll still be spending a few nights a week at my parent’s house. The only bed there for me is over 15 years old and my grandad slept on it for years. It’s full of coffee, tea and urine stains. I don’t want to sleep on it.

I asked my mum if there’d be a new bed for when I moved in and she said “either sleep on the one we have because the stains aren’t that bad, or buy yourself a new one.”

I outright said “most people would ensure their adult daughter has a clean bed to sleep on when she stays.”

She’s now saying she’ll buy me a bed and assumed i meant I’d be taking the “new” bed with me after I don’t need to stay there anymore, which makes me even more upset…. Because she bought an almost £1k bed for my sibling and she still technically “owes” me one!

I should say that money isn’t an issue for my parents and neither is space. Their house has plenty of empty bedrooms with spaces for beds that for one reason or another, have no beds in them.

So AIBU to think my parents should buy me a bed?

You sibling moved into their first home with their partner, that they had bought. Your parents wanted to give a gift worthy of the occasion likely thinking it hoping they'd get married.

You've been moving back and forth between your parents and temporary accomdation. They're likely waiting for you to settle down.

Can you see the difference

Your not wrong about this, my parents wouldn’t have expected me to sleep on something like that and neither would they have charged me rent for staying there 😵‍💫and it’s definitely not a token amount your paying !

Yes, I agree with the view that there seems to be done kind of judgement being made about who ‘needs’ more help.

DH and I are very lucky in that we can honestly not see any difference in how both sets of parents treat us or our DBs - same with the DC, both sets of parents have 4 GC in total, two from each son/daughter and I can’t see any difference in treatment. MIL has said a couple of times, ‘what we do for one, we do for the other’, and we will follow that example.

Some kind …

If you think they will buy a bed if they think you and your boyfriend might move in then if you are so desperate to have a new bed let them think this might happen and hope they take the bait.

There you go , happy now?

I try to treat my two the same. However my dd looks after things a lot better than ds and that does sometimes make me think twice about wasting my money.

That's still a stretch though if you're persisting with the idea that the OP is 'entitled'. Most parents wouldn't expect £250 from their adult offspring to stay a few nights per month then put them up on a pissy mattress. You could get a cheap air BnB for that, and would (rightly) complain if you were put up on a piss-stained mattress.

Travelling for work, or gone back to studies, most likely. Nothing odd about that.

Did your sister and her boyfriend buy their own place? Because a bed would be a suitable housewarming gift. I wouldn’t expect anything for rented accommodation.

I agree with you OP. As parents we need to treat all our children the same. If sibling gets a bed , you get a bed to the same value. If sibling gets £1,000 gifted (not a loan) , you get £1,000 gifted. If sibling gets 1 day a week childcare , you get 1 day a week childcare (location permitting of course). Not treating children equally breeds resentment , which leads to discontentment in families.

You're obviously quite young; presumably you posted here to get opinions from parents? Don't go sneering at the school run now. There's no obligation on your parents to treat you and your sister the same, however unfair it feels.

And yes, buy your own bed, or at least buy a cheap mattress to replace the old one at your parent's house. MattressNextDay are very good.

https://www.mattressnextday.co.uk/home

This isn't doing you any good.

Let it go.

Why should the op buy a mattress if it will live at her parents house? She would basically be buying them a mattress and then using it herself occasionally.

No one should keep a piss stained mattress and expect guests to sleep on it.

You're too enmeshed with your family. You're in your twenties, who cares if mummy and daddy are fair any more? Live your life, accept what they give freely, only give back what you're comfortable with, and don't worry about what you get compared to your sibling.

250 ÷ 8 = 31.25 so she pays her parents 31.25 per night to stay with them.

31.25 x 30 (average days in a month) = 937.50

Treating children equally does not mean giving them the same things. PIL have treated all of their children equally but that doesn’t mean they’ve all had exactly the same thing. BIL got a larger house deposit than we did but they supported us to redo our bathrooms. SIL has been living with them longer than any of the other siblings but we got money towards a car when ours conked it. Other SIL gets weekly help with childcare but we have had MIL come and stay for a week at a time when we needed her to look after our DDs. None of these are exactly the same but we know they are supporting each child equally and in a way they need.

I’m not saying that the OP’s parents are treating their children equally (we are only hearing OP’s side of it though) but they don’t owe her a bed just because they bought her sister a bed.

You're OP comes across as ridiculous, but that's cos you missed all the back story. YABU to be obsessed with a bed, but YANBU to be upset that your parents have repeatedly favoured your sister financially. Have you ever discussed that issue with them?

That clearly isn't true. OP moved out of her parents' home for a long time when she was house sharing, whilst her sister got considerably more than her (expensive) bed and kettle. £250 a month for providing a bed two nights a week isn't a tiny token.

I'd ask for them to buy a new mattress for thier own spare room for you to sleep on, if the current one is grim. But wouldn't ask for more than that although I understand why you're annoyed.

So why not put in your first post it's about wanting to be treated equally, like when my sister got given a bed and a houseful of other items. (And any other similar things)
Instead of fixating on just the bed.
And , well, no, its not compulsory to treat your children exactly the same.
Life as you must know is not fair. For whatever reason your parents in this case dont want to buy you a bed. The best thing to do is forget about the bed. But if you really really want to know, then ask them.

Yes I get that, the point is that she said it was £900 a month. It isn't. That isn't what she is giving her parents. It's the amount she would be giving her parents if she stayed there every night and paid them the £31.25 for every night of the month - but she doesn't so its irrelevant.

She couldn't get a travel lodge for £31.25 a night and certainly couldn't get anywhere with food, drink etc.

And actually, nowhere has she said that they have demanded or even politely requested the £250 from her (although Im sure that will now be dripped in).

Quite frankly, for 8 nights accommodation plus food she would be looking at about £1000 in cost minimum. So she needs to reframe her thought process and think of it as sister gets one bed worth £1,000, she gets months and months of accommodation equivalent to £1,000 every single month for the bargain price of £250 a month.

Life is too short, parents aren't here forever. Cherish yours whilst you have them OP and don't sweat the small stuff.

How can they justify paying your sister’s university costs, but not yours? I would have challenged that from day one.

Bed, kettle and university fees

They also paid for her sister to go to university and not her.

The lengths some MN posters will go to to demonise the OP is just weird.

‘Life is too short, parents aren't here forever. Cherish yours whilst you have them OP and don't sweat the small stuff.’

I really hate this kind of sickly sweet emotional blackmail type comment. Life is also too short to treat your children differently and make one feel unhappy and neglected due to unfair treatment. I have adult children and would not dream of paying the cost for one to attend university and not the other, unless there were some very unusual circumstances.