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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think my parents should buy me a bed?

246 replies

Girlinengland · 07/02/2024 08:31

I moved out of my parents house for uni at 18, moved back in with them at 21 then went to live in a rented house share a few years later. My parents were not supportive of this, saying I should save money to buy a house (I was working and earning well) but I don’t regret it one bit, I had the best years of my life in that house. I think that’s the reason why I wasn’t asked if I needed anything for my new house.

Years later, my sibling moved out to live with her boyfriend in the flat he’d bought. My parents bought them a bed. Not your average cheap Ikea bed - I’m talking one of those very pricey ones, and other bits and pieces.

I told my parents I was disappointed I’d not been offered anything when I moved out and they said “when you move in with a boyfriend we’ll buy you a bed too.”

So… I’m only worthy of a bed if I’m shacked up then? Great.

When I did move in with my boyfriend a year or so ago, I kept dropping hints we were bed shopping and my mum never ever offered to buy us one, despite previous promises. For some reason asking outright made me uncomfortable and it upset me she may have “forgotten” to ask what I need.

We’re now moving out of that house to live a few hours away, but I’ll still be spending a few nights a week at my parent’s house. The only bed there for me is over 15 years old and my grandad slept on it for years. It’s full of coffee, tea and urine stains. I don’t want to sleep on it.

I asked my mum if there’d be a new bed for when I moved in and she said “either sleep on the one we have because the stains aren’t that bad, or buy yourself a new one.”

I outright said “most people would ensure their adult daughter has a clean bed to sleep on when she stays.”

She’s now saying she’ll buy me a bed and assumed i meant I’d be taking the “new” bed with me after I don’t need to stay there anymore, which makes me even more upset…. Because she bought an almost £1k bed for my sibling and she still technically “owes” me one!

I should say that money isn’t an issue for my parents and neither is space. Their house has plenty of empty bedrooms with spaces for beds that for one reason or another, have no beds in them.

So AIBU to think my parents should buy me a bed?

OP posts:
frequentlyfrazzled · 07/02/2024 10:46

I think it is unfair and hurtful if you have been treated differently than your sibling. Things like this often cause divisions in families.
Maybe try having a calm, mature and honest chat with your mum about how this makes you feel.
But it might be useful, before you have the chat, to think about whether your parents have helped you out in other ways, that you may have forgotton about, eg support for uni fees etc, rather than just focusing on the bed issue.

Comedycook · 07/02/2024 10:46

I don't think the op sounds entitled. Seems like her parents aren't treating their kids fairly.

Expecting anyone who stays in your house to sleep on a dirty, stained mattress is just disgusting.

horseyhorsey17 · 07/02/2024 10:48

It does really hurt when parents play financial favourites. Mine did much the same thing (only they definitely didn't want me moving back in!) I wonder what makes them do it? There must be some form of justification but I think it often goes right back to early childhood and who they perceive as being the most 'vulnerable' of their kids, regardless of how true that is once they're all adults.

MissRheingold · 07/02/2024 10:49

I would t even buy you a pillowcase let alone a bed if you were my daughter. Awful, entitled behaviour.

Stop harassing your parents and buy your own bed.

BMW6 · 07/02/2024 10:50

SkySecret · 07/02/2024 08:51

Talk to them. Tell them how you feel. It’s not even about getting the bed, it’s about explaining that their actions and false promises have left you feeling like you’re the inferior child and it’s caused you genuine upset. Maybe they will start to understand and realise what they’ve done and you will be able to repair your relationship and feel a bit happier.

This ^

You are your sibling are being treated differently and I would want to know Why if I were you.

horseyhorsey17 · 07/02/2024 10:52

BMW6 · 07/02/2024 10:50

This ^

You are your sibling are being treated differently and I would want to know Why if I were you.

Show quote history

In my experience, you don't get a rational answer if you ask this question. Just a denial and/or 'oh horsey don't be bitter.'

Friendlyfishfinger · 07/02/2024 10:52

Girlinengland · 07/02/2024 08:50

I also worked all through uni which I fully funded myself. my parent’s paid for my sister’s uni .

Your resentment is understandable. They treat her vastly different to you. You’d have had different responses if this was the angle you’d taken.

AdoraBell · 07/02/2024 10:52

YANBU, but I would stop talking about this with your DM and just buy the things you need for your home.

Having been raised by abusive parents who played me and my siblings off each other - I couldn’t do anything about X situation because I had you/ I’ll support you, then oh siblings don’t want me to support you.

I found the best response was - thanks, but I’m okay.

IncompleteSenten · 07/02/2024 11:02

Girlinengland · 07/02/2024 09:56

You’re right. I shouldn’t have to drop hints that I want to be treated equally to my siblings.

Please try not to take it to heart. Some people will just never ever get it. No matter how much you try, they don't have the ability to look beyond the surface.

Many years ago I absolutely lost my shit over, on the surface, a tin of spaghetti Bolognese from netto.

Except I didn't give a shit about the can. It was pennies and really not a big deal. The person I lived with (not a romantic partner) kept on helping themselves to my things without even asking. Id told them time and time again to pack it in. That expecting me to sub them was taking the piss. I told them how disrespectful it was to go searching through my stuff and take whatever they wanted whenever they wanted without even asking.

One day I got home from work and she'd taken a tin of spaghetti bolognese and I went nuclear.

She went out the next day or something and bought a tin. First time she'd ever replaced anything. I was even more angry! Because it wasn't about the tin, it was about her attitude. But she would not see that. I say would not rather than could not because past a certain point such inability to get the fucking point can only be a deliberate choice.

People who don't want to get it won't get it and you'll never change that so based on personal experience - don't waste your time trying.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 07/02/2024 11:02

I think the whole issue is confused by the bed they promised you when you moved in with a boyfriend ( and that is a whole issue right there) and never came up with.
The way they have helped your sister along the way, which is unequal.
The fact that they are putting you up for several nights a month, although you are contributing a pay ment for this and the fact that they expect you to sleep on a disgusting wee soaked mattress.

Your parents and the unequal way they treat you and your sister has really got into your head. Staying with them like this can only make this worse. How long do you really need to do this for and is it sustainable.

Hints don't work. They just annoy, or go over people's heads. Seems like they have here. If you want something, say it straight out in a non confrontational way.

  1. Bickering over the beds is muddying the waters and doesn't get to the real issue which is lack of equality. So just remove it as an issue. You are staying there occasionally and paying token rent so just get a clean new bed delivered yourself and have done with it. pay for delivery and to take away the old bed so they can't quibble about it. You could at a pinch, negotiate taking the cost out the token rent ). Be prepared to shrug your shoulders if the don't agree to negotiate on this. That's one issue out of the way.

  2. Forget the promised bed for your new house that never turned up. That's another issue out of the way.

  3. have a non-confrontational talk with them about they way they treat both siblings. ( as pp have said they are letting you stay with them for a token rent).

  4. have a look at the way you approach things and what you really want to happen. A lot of posters have criticized you on this thread because the way you phrased the issue came across as a bit entitled, and it came across as whining, when you have a well paid job and a new home, when really it was more about the inequality, which really does seem quite unfair. The way you approached it and explained it, because you were muddying the waters with the whole beds thing, got people's backs up and maybe that's what's happening with your parents too. I accept that its hard because dealing with parents and siblings can bring out a strong emotional response that perhaps one wouldnt have in general life and I don't say this to offend you, but I do think Its worth considering and thinking about how you approach this with your parents.

In a way you should be proud of your independence, not embittered by it. I would just get on with the situation, go step by step and stop complaining about the small stuff. Save it for the big conversation - but approach it considerately and really think about not coming across as too demanding but more in the mode of trying to understand their reasoning ( and make them question it too of course. )

Ghouella · 07/02/2024 11:03

The reality is that even if you could now cajole them into buying you a bed, it still won't change how you feel.

You feel under-prioritised by your parents, and that they have treated your sibling preferentially. You would have liked for them to provide a clean and comfortable space for you to stay in their home without it being an issue. You would have liked them to extend the same spontaneous generosity toward you as they did your sibling.

I think you need to move onto acceptance that these aren't the decisions they've made.

My own parents are semi-hoarders and despite living in a large home and being very wealthy they haven't created a comfortable space for guests and so it is uncomfortable for me to stay with them and I don't do so often.

I sympathise with you as I have found the situation hurtful - don't I matter enough to them as their daughter, that they can't declutter a bit to make space for me?

You may be feeling, don't I matter enough for my parents to spend a small fraction of their wealth on creating a space for me in their home that is clean and nice?

But, of course, they see it differently and their need to control their home and/or whatever causes them to value that urine stained bed (or in my parents case, the clutter) makes sense to them. I think you are allowed to feel hurt but you must focus on the fact you can only account for your opinions and your actions. If your parents will not provide a comfortable and clean space for you to stay, do not stay. Come to terms with their choices knowing that you can't change them. If they are curious about the distance, be honest. "I'm not sleeping on that old bed which has urine stains in it. Of course I would like to stay more and I'm sad that you haven't made that possible by providing somewhere clean to sleep. I respect that that's your decision" (of course if you spoke in exactly that way you would sound like a robot, but you get the gist).

Regarding your sibling and their lovely bed. Yes I think it sounds unfair unless there's something missing from the story. But you can't change it. It's time to stop asking. The asking is making you feel worse, and you can't now have what your sibling had anyway - a spontaneous gift.

Reflect on whether there are different circumstances that might account for the different treatment. Reflect on whether broadly speaking you are treated the same, or whether this is particularly hurtful because they have always treated your sibling favourably. Then come to terms with whatever it is.

I have discovered (at least for myself) that it is better to fully welcome anger and resentment toward parents, work through it then emerge the other side with a realistic appraisal. They aren't perfect, these are my boundaries, now what is left that I can make the most of? I personally avoid confrontation that I know will be fruitless.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 07/02/2024 11:06

Ghouella · 07/02/2024 11:03

The reality is that even if you could now cajole them into buying you a bed, it still won't change how you feel.

You feel under-prioritised by your parents, and that they have treated your sibling preferentially. You would have liked for them to provide a clean and comfortable space for you to stay in their home without it being an issue. You would have liked them to extend the same spontaneous generosity toward you as they did your sibling.

I think you need to move onto acceptance that these aren't the decisions they've made.

My own parents are semi-hoarders and despite living in a large home and being very wealthy they haven't created a comfortable space for guests and so it is uncomfortable for me to stay with them and I don't do so often.

I sympathise with you as I have found the situation hurtful - don't I matter enough to them as their daughter, that they can't declutter a bit to make space for me?

You may be feeling, don't I matter enough for my parents to spend a small fraction of their wealth on creating a space for me in their home that is clean and nice?

But, of course, they see it differently and their need to control their home and/or whatever causes them to value that urine stained bed (or in my parents case, the clutter) makes sense to them. I think you are allowed to feel hurt but you must focus on the fact you can only account for your opinions and your actions. If your parents will not provide a comfortable and clean space for you to stay, do not stay. Come to terms with their choices knowing that you can't change them. If they are curious about the distance, be honest. "I'm not sleeping on that old bed which has urine stains in it. Of course I would like to stay more and I'm sad that you haven't made that possible by providing somewhere clean to sleep. I respect that that's your decision" (of course if you spoke in exactly that way you would sound like a robot, but you get the gist).

Regarding your sibling and their lovely bed. Yes I think it sounds unfair unless there's something missing from the story. But you can't change it. It's time to stop asking. The asking is making you feel worse, and you can't now have what your sibling had anyway - a spontaneous gift.

Reflect on whether there are different circumstances that might account for the different treatment. Reflect on whether broadly speaking you are treated the same, or whether this is particularly hurtful because they have always treated your sibling favourably. Then come to terms with whatever it is.

I have discovered (at least for myself) that it is better to fully welcome anger and resentment toward parents, work through it then emerge the other side with a realistic appraisal. They aren't perfect, these are my boundaries, now what is left that I can make the most of? I personally avoid confrontation that I know will be fruitless.

Edited

good advice

horseyhorsey17 · 07/02/2024 11:08

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 07/02/2024 11:02

I think the whole issue is confused by the bed they promised you when you moved in with a boyfriend ( and that is a whole issue right there) and never came up with.
The way they have helped your sister along the way, which is unequal.
The fact that they are putting you up for several nights a month, although you are contributing a pay ment for this and the fact that they expect you to sleep on a disgusting wee soaked mattress.

Your parents and the unequal way they treat you and your sister has really got into your head. Staying with them like this can only make this worse. How long do you really need to do this for and is it sustainable.

Hints don't work. They just annoy, or go over people's heads. Seems like they have here. If you want something, say it straight out in a non confrontational way.

  1. Bickering over the beds is muddying the waters and doesn't get to the real issue which is lack of equality. So just remove it as an issue. You are staying there occasionally and paying token rent so just get a clean new bed delivered yourself and have done with it. pay for delivery and to take away the old bed so they can't quibble about it. You could at a pinch, negotiate taking the cost out the token rent ). Be prepared to shrug your shoulders if the don't agree to negotiate on this. That's one issue out of the way.

  2. Forget the promised bed for your new house that never turned up. That's another issue out of the way.

  3. have a non-confrontational talk with them about they way they treat both siblings. ( as pp have said they are letting you stay with them for a token rent).

  4. have a look at the way you approach things and what you really want to happen. A lot of posters have criticized you on this thread because the way you phrased the issue came across as a bit entitled, and it came across as whining, when you have a well paid job and a new home, when really it was more about the inequality, which really does seem quite unfair. The way you approached it and explained it, because you were muddying the waters with the whole beds thing, got people's backs up and maybe that's what's happening with your parents too. I accept that its hard because dealing with parents and siblings can bring out a strong emotional response that perhaps one wouldnt have in general life and I don't say this to offend you, but I do think Its worth considering and thinking about how you approach this with your parents.

In a way you should be proud of your independence, not embittered by it. I would just get on with the situation, go step by step and stop complaining about the small stuff. Save it for the big conversation - but approach it considerately and really think about not coming across as too demanding but more in the mode of trying to understand their reasoning ( and make them question it too of course. )

It's not really a token rent. £250 for a few days a month is not much lower than market rent. They're not being particularly generous in this regard either.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 07/02/2024 11:08

Oh my goodness you sound like a petulant 9 year old child, and you are what ? mid to late 20's - if not older.

If YOU want a new bed or rather a new mattress for YOU to sleep on at your parents house, then BUY IT YOURSELF.

Why have you decided to move away, and stay several nights a week at your parents house ?

And maybe your parents thought / felt that you could have bought your own NEW bed in the years you were enjoying living in a flat share...

Maybe your parents thought they would like to support your sister and her boyfriend when she moved into a property HE bought,
maybe HE couldn't afford a NEW bed as well as his other costs, and maybe your sister couldn't afford to buy a new bed either. Maybe there was no bed in the property he bought.

And I don't know or understand why you even posted this, as you have effectively BULLIED your mother into buying a new bed for HER house.

And as mum ' assumes ' you are taking the NEW bed with YOU want you move out again, then you have WON you have YOUR NEW BED

I hope it's the cheapest single bed she can find, as that is what you deserve.

I also hope she uses her 1st month's £250 to do so, and that she keeps the change !

horseyhorsey17 · 07/02/2024 11:12

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 07/02/2024 11:08

Oh my goodness you sound like a petulant 9 year old child, and you are what ? mid to late 20's - if not older.

If YOU want a new bed or rather a new mattress for YOU to sleep on at your parents house, then BUY IT YOURSELF.

Why have you decided to move away, and stay several nights a week at your parents house ?

And maybe your parents thought / felt that you could have bought your own NEW bed in the years you were enjoying living in a flat share...

Maybe your parents thought they would like to support your sister and her boyfriend when she moved into a property HE bought,
maybe HE couldn't afford a NEW bed as well as his other costs, and maybe your sister couldn't afford to buy a new bed either. Maybe there was no bed in the property he bought.

And I don't know or understand why you even posted this, as you have effectively BULLIED your mother into buying a new bed for HER house.

And as mum ' assumes ' you are taking the NEW bed with YOU want you move out again, then you have WON you have YOUR NEW BED

I hope it's the cheapest single bed she can find, as that is what you deserve.

I also hope she uses her 1st month's £250 to do so, and that she keeps the change !

So you think her parents should be taking £250 a month from her for her to stay (just a few nights, not the whole month) on a piss-stained mattress?

tiredinoratia · 07/02/2024 11:13

Did your parents favour your sibling when you were younger? Because let's face it, this isn't about a bed, it's about wanting your parents to love you as much as you think they love your sibling.

user1492757084 · 07/02/2024 11:18

You are making a mountain out of a mole hill.
You are behaving like the Princess and the Pea. The tiniest little thing is irking you. You should be happy for each other and commending your parents for being generous to you beloved sister.
Who keeps score? (Grown ups who have enough don't keep score - it's in the Bible.)
You don't want for anything so you are fine - and independent. Find a lovely old bed in a thrift shop and buy a new mattress.

TempleOfBloom · 07/02/2024 11:22

Oh dear, this thread needs RTFT emblazoned across it.

Ghouella · 07/02/2024 11:25

I have also seen you are paying your parents £250/month. Honestly I would stop this arrangement and stop staying with them. It will make things so much clearer for everyone.

I also think it would be unhelpful and confusing to buy a bed for yourself at their house. It's their responsibility to furnish their own home according to their needs. People who invite guests should provide them with a clean and comfortable space to stay. You are entitled to that as a guest in someone's home!

If for some reason, hosts won't or can't provide a satisfactory place to stay, then guests should decline to stay, and explain why. If your parents would like to have a close relationship which involves you staying with them frequently, they shouldn't be charging for this and they should be meeting their obligations as hosts. If they don't want this, they should be honest about it and let you know you are staying too much.

It may be that coming to terms and making new arrangements results in a less close relationship and that may be hard for you. But honestly I think that would be much healthier than this relationship of very high proximity but also high resentment and conflict.

horseyhorsey17 · 07/02/2024 11:28

TempleOfBloom · 07/02/2024 11:22

Oh dear, this thread needs RTFT emblazoned across it.

It really does!

Jook · 07/02/2024 11:31

I wouldn’t care if my parents bought my sister a whole house if that’s what she needed.

Who keeps score like this? No wonder they’re not forthcoming.

Bloom15 · 07/02/2024 11:39

YANBU about wanting to be treated the same as your sister but I think you need to bring it up properly not keep dropping hints and making comments.

Also - why are you staying twice a week? I find that really odd

5128gap · 07/02/2024 11:45

Given you feel so strongly you're entitled to be bought a bed, just say 'Parents, you owe me a bed because you bought one for my sibling. Not just any old cheap bed either, but one of the same value as sibling recieved'
If you're not too proud, polite or independent to hint and expect, then you should own it and say what you mean honestly and directly.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 07/02/2024 11:45

@horseyhorsey17

The OP is contributing £250 towards the use of utilities. and maybe food ?

She has decided to stay at her old family home, she can also decide if she wishes to use the bed offered or to buy a bed or to buy a mattress or to buy a mattress protector etc.

The parents don't need her to come and stay a couple of nights a week every week.

I would guess the OP is very welcome to use a Travelodge or a b+b on these nights that she is not going to her new home

SirenSays · 07/02/2024 11:54

If you know that they do this, then it's a bit surprising you actually expected anything from them. A bed should be a lovely relaxing thing, would you even want it after having to hint and ask and complain about it? Save up and buy your own, an even nicer one than your sisters if that's what's important to you.