Aibu to think my parents should buy me a bed?

[Girlinengland]

I moved out of my parents house for uni at 18, moved back in with them at 21 then went to live in a rented house share a few years later. My parents were not supportive of this, saying I should save money to buy a house (I was working and earning well) but I don’t regret it one bit, I had the best years of my life in that house. I think that’s the reason why I wasn’t asked if I needed anything for my new house.

Years later, my sibling moved out to live with her boyfriend in the flat he’d bought. My parents bought them a bed. Not your average cheap Ikea bed - I’m talking one of those very pricey ones, and other bits and pieces.

I told my parents I was disappointed I’d not been offered anything when I moved out and they said “when you move in with a boyfriend we’ll buy you a bed too.”

So… I’m only worthy of a bed if I’m shacked up then? Great.

When I did move in with my boyfriend a year or so ago, I kept dropping hints we were bed shopping and my mum never ever offered to buy us one, despite previous promises. For some reason asking outright made me uncomfortable and it upset me she may have “forgotten” to ask what I need.

We’re now moving out of that house to live a few hours away, but I’ll still be spending a few nights a week at my parent’s house. The only bed there for me is over 15 years old and my grandad slept on it for years. It’s full of coffee, tea and urine stains. I don’t want to sleep on it.

I asked my mum if there’d be a new bed for when I moved in and she said “either sleep on the one we have because the stains aren’t that bad, or buy yourself a new one.”

I outright said “most people would ensure their adult daughter has a clean bed to sleep on when she stays.”

She’s now saying she’ll buy me a bed and assumed i meant I’d be taking the “new” bed with me after I don’t need to stay there anymore, which makes me even more upset…. Because she bought an almost £1k bed for my sibling and she still technically “owes” me one!

I should say that money isn’t an issue for my parents and neither is space. Their house has plenty of empty bedrooms with spaces for beds that for one reason or another, have no beds in them.

So AIBU to think my parents should buy me a bed?

I even think charging her is horrible. Yes if she lives with them full time she should pay board....but two nights a week. I think it's a really mean spirited way to treat your child.

@Girlinengland Read you op and all I could think of was Waaaaaaaaa 😭

Get a grip your an adult.

Why would you expect your parents to buy you things? It doesn't matter what your siblings got. Parents have to make decisions at the time based on how much they've got themselves, and how much their kids need it at the time. It's not going to be equal, and you just sound entitled and grabby.

I kinda understand why you feel they're in the wrong. Your parents don't approve of your choices and letting you know it.

I agree.

It's so bloody obvious from the OP that this is unfair and that's just the surface!
We see the same posters appearing on other threads beating the OP calling them entitled and selfish but when faced with the full facts they just edit their posts and disappear after having thrown all their poison on the OP. I just knew it that it would be overwhelmingly the OP BU :(

Have you considered offering to buy them a new bed? You say you’re earning well?

Buy your own bloody bed!

Can't believe they're charging you £31.25 a night. Why did they decide on that amount?

Do you have an equally local friend with a spare bedroom? You'd get a clean mattress and can offer them the same money. They're likely to appreciate that extra income and actually be nice to you, unlike your parents.

You need to have a conversation with them/whoever leads on these decisions, asking that you'd like to understand why they financially support your sister. You can say that the disparity makes you feel upset/alone/whatever, but I wouldn't do that to start with, because they'll get defensive right away.

Op, in the nicest possible way try and forget about it. Thinking like this is so bad for your mental health. Speak to your parents if you think that will help. I grew up in a family that looked at things in this way, it’s toxic. I don’t speak to any of them now. There was a lot of unfairness, one sibling given 2 properties etc. We grew up with money and a couple of siblings thought it was their right to have that money, I went NC after my sibling was at the solicitor’s, less than 48 hours after my parent’s death, making changes to benefit themselves 🙄. It’s really not worth it.

So how did it come about that you worked whilst studying & your sister didn't?

Why are you paying to stay at your parents?

Did they ask, did you offer?

YANBU. Your sister is the golden child. You should consider counseling to help you realize and work through the resentment you have towards your parents. They are taking the piss massively. Tbh if I was you I would have cut contact as soon as they paid for your sisters uni but not yours. That's awful.

Grow up

Yeah you need to grow up and not be so entitled. They don’t owe you anything. If it’s that much of an issue buy yourself a bed?

The university fees would upset me the most! When my elder daughters stay at my parents (quite frequently) they sleep in mine and my brother's old beds. The beds still have the same mattresses as when they were bought (no incontinence issues though) in 1979. I'm 60 next year.
I try and treat my 4dc the same but due to financial issues the youngest two have has less than the older two. It upsets me but that's life!
My dm phoned me a couple of days ago breaking her heart crying. I thought my db, who is very ill, had died but then thought she wouldn't tell me over the phone. Apparently she was feeling guilty that she'd given him more financial support than me (secretly) and something had happened that meant she felt she needed to give him even more. I told her it was fine, she didn't need to give to us equally, if he needed the help not to worry about me as I didn't expect anything. I also told her the debt was in his name and they would come to an arrangement to pay a very small amount back each week.

Isn't it possible that the parents had more disposable income when the sister went to uni?

Can the OP be 100% that she knows every penny of her parent's income / outgoings etc over the last 10+ years ?

and of course, this bed which has gone from tea / coffee / urine stained to saturated with urine / dripping with wee was slept in at one time by grandad - maybe he has passed away and left money to your parents.

@Manthide many old mattresses have yellow stains, it may not actually be urine

To be honest I'm 27 and my sisters 33 my parents paid for herself, fiancé and their kids to go on holiday cost them 5k, me my son and my partner didn't get that but I'm a grown woman so I don't really care about being 'treated equally' at this age, they done something kind for my sister and her family that's all that really matters, if your that upset about it speak to them about it and mention you dont feel like you are being treated the same. However I would just buy my own bed, regardless of what they may have promised or done for my sister and by the sounds of it you have worked all your life and sound like you could afford it so just buy the damn bed and move on I'm sure if you was in hardship they would help x

DH & I temporarily stayed with his parents for a few months while we waited for our new home to be built (back in the day). His old bedroom had a mattress which was lumpy and you could feel the springs dig into you. We very quickly bought a cheapish new mattress because it was so uncomfortable. MIL charged us rent which I was a little annoyed with (especially with a shit mattress) because we could have stayed with my parents (half an hour away) for zero rent and more comfortable bed/mattress but DH felt bad because he had already yes to his parents.

Favouritism is definitely damaging. DH is the oldest - both of his younger siblings received far more financial support/gifts in terms of rent paid/student loans paid off/holidays/flights paid for. His youngest sibling has basically had her house bought for her so hundreds of thousands! We are effectively low contact because that's the only way we can live with it and still maintain family relations a few times a year. There has been plenty of rows and drama over the years as the favouritism became more overt & extreme so it's no longer laughable! In our experience, you cannot change your parents' behavior, only your reaction in response to it.

WOW! What a brat! Glad you're not one of mine! Go buy your own bed and maybe think about the lyrics of the song 'No Charge'!

All this fuss over a bed is bizarre. You’re overthinking and the result sounds petty and entitled.

God, I hate that bloody song. It really is a load of self-satisfied, smug, illogical nonsense. I hate the concept that the poor kid is never going to be allowed to earn pocket money for doing chores around the house because he's got this massive debt to repay to his parents for bringing him up.