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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think my parents should buy me a bed?

246 replies

Girlinengland · 07/02/2024 08:31

I moved out of my parents house for uni at 18, moved back in with them at 21 then went to live in a rented house share a few years later. My parents were not supportive of this, saying I should save money to buy a house (I was working and earning well) but I don’t regret it one bit, I had the best years of my life in that house. I think that’s the reason why I wasn’t asked if I needed anything for my new house.

Years later, my sibling moved out to live with her boyfriend in the flat he’d bought. My parents bought them a bed. Not your average cheap Ikea bed - I’m talking one of those very pricey ones, and other bits and pieces.

I told my parents I was disappointed I’d not been offered anything when I moved out and they said “when you move in with a boyfriend we’ll buy you a bed too.”

So… I’m only worthy of a bed if I’m shacked up then? Great.

When I did move in with my boyfriend a year or so ago, I kept dropping hints we were bed shopping and my mum never ever offered to buy us one, despite previous promises. For some reason asking outright made me uncomfortable and it upset me she may have “forgotten” to ask what I need.

We’re now moving out of that house to live a few hours away, but I’ll still be spending a few nights a week at my parent’s house. The only bed there for me is over 15 years old and my grandad slept on it for years. It’s full of coffee, tea and urine stains. I don’t want to sleep on it.

I asked my mum if there’d be a new bed for when I moved in and she said “either sleep on the one we have because the stains aren’t that bad, or buy yourself a new one.”

I outright said “most people would ensure their adult daughter has a clean bed to sleep on when she stays.”

She’s now saying she’ll buy me a bed and assumed i meant I’d be taking the “new” bed with me after I don’t need to stay there anymore, which makes me even more upset…. Because she bought an almost £1k bed for my sibling and she still technically “owes” me one!

I should say that money isn’t an issue for my parents and neither is space. Their house has plenty of empty bedrooms with spaces for beds that for one reason or another, have no beds in them.

So AIBU to think my parents should buy me a bed?

OP posts:
Original poster
Girlinengland · 07/02/2024 09:46

Wow. I was expecting some to say iabu and was ready for it tbh. I posted on here because I wanted alternate options.

but the level of clear bullying from mumsnet users is something else. Bet the same people who responded to me do the school run in their “be kind” t-shirts. Jeeeeez.

as some lovely people have pointed out, this isn’t at all about feeling entitled or wanting the bed, as many have pointed out. It’s wanting to be treated equally to my siblings when I very clearly haven’t been.

OP posts:
Underwatersally · 07/02/2024 09:47

Will you be paying them board when you stay with them a few nights a week?

If not it seems fair to me, you’ll be getting free board, use of electrics and food. That will quickly add up to the cost of a bed.

DottieMoon · 07/02/2024 09:47

Seriously? Thy don't owe you a bed. You are a grown up and they can spend their money on what they want.

You sound incredibly immature and entitled to be. Grow up.

MKeegs · 07/02/2024 09:48

Why are you going back to stay with them ?

MamaAlwaysknowsbest · 07/02/2024 09:48

oh please, do not put that on your heart. It will only bring more bitterness. You have been earning well, may be that is what your parents have seen and are happy about you.

My mother in law came with bits and bobs when we started our married life with her son, but was honestly, just old totally mismatched stuff, I got it in with a thankful heart, just checked is not dilapidating and can contain my belongins safely. Since a decade, me and my husbands have been buying and changing all our furniture, with our own money. Some new, some from second hand shop, again, the price and the look of it makes no difference. Life is too short for that. Be glad you have parents and you are welcomed there.

As there is one old saying, you can buy yourself, but not health. Be happy

MamaAlwaysknowsbest · 07/02/2024 09:49

sorry, you can buy everything for yourself, but you cannot buy health

Original poster
Girlinengland · 07/02/2024 09:50

Yep. 8x nights a month, £250 a month.

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 07/02/2024 09:51

This is tricky - I agree that it is hurtful to see one sibling receiving more help, but have you asked them why they’ve treated you differently? They might have a very different view which could help you to understand their approach.

They’re not obligated to buy either of you anything, but this is clearly not about the bed per se.

pootlin · 07/02/2024 09:52

Octomama · 07/02/2024 09:30

@pootlin what you actually said was you didn't take a penny from your parents since the age of 15. If what you actually meant is your pocket money stopped as you got a paper round then you should have said that. I hope your parents would not have thought it was fine for you to sleep on a urine stained mattress at any age.

By the way, stating "you sound incredibly immature and entitled" places you very firmly on your high horse in my opinion

I don’t have to frame my words the way you want me to. Entitled much?

Don’t project your dysfunctional familial crap onto me.

No one is forcing OP to sleep there, she can get her own place!

velvetstars · 07/02/2024 09:53

I sometimes wonder who is responding to these posts.

Your parents have played financial favourites. Of course that's upsetting.

They have routinely given her a step-up at key points in her life and purposefully not done the same for you. When challenged they said they would but have since gone back on this.

I would be having a sit down conversation and ask if you have in some way disappointed them or upset them as you are struggling to understand why they consistently treat your sister differently.

Squishmellow · 07/02/2024 09:54

Unless you’re absolutely minted and your sibling is very poor, she should’ve given you the equivalent at the same time as your sibling.
I don’t understand why some parents treat their kids so differently . Probably not worth a full on family feud but I’d probably be taking a step back in the future with any help they may need, and leave it all to the golden child.

pootlin · 07/02/2024 09:55

Girlinengland · 07/02/2024 09:46

Wow. I was expecting some to say iabu and was ready for it tbh. I posted on here because I wanted alternate options.

but the level of clear bullying from mumsnet users is something else. Bet the same people who responded to me do the school run in their “be kind” t-shirts. Jeeeeez.

as some lovely people have pointed out, this isn’t at all about feeling entitled or wanting the bed, as many have pointed out. It’s wanting to be treated equally to my siblings when I very clearly haven’t been.

this isn’t at all about feeling entitled or wanting the bed

Of course it is.

You said ‘kept dropping hints we were bed shopping and my mum never ever offered to buy us one, despite previous promises.’

All over a bed.

TopSec · 07/02/2024 09:56

Girlinengland · 07/02/2024 08:31

I moved out of my parents house for uni at 18, moved back in with them at 21 then went to live in a rented house share a few years later. My parents were not supportive of this, saying I should save money to buy a house (I was working and earning well) but I don’t regret it one bit, I had the best years of my life in that house. I think that’s the reason why I wasn’t asked if I needed anything for my new house.

Years later, my sibling moved out to live with her boyfriend in the flat he’d bought. My parents bought them a bed. Not your average cheap Ikea bed - I’m talking one of those very pricey ones, and other bits and pieces.

I told my parents I was disappointed I’d not been offered anything when I moved out and they said “when you move in with a boyfriend we’ll buy you a bed too.”

So… I’m only worthy of a bed if I’m shacked up then? Great.

When I did move in with my boyfriend a year or so ago, I kept dropping hints we were bed shopping and my mum never ever offered to buy us one, despite previous promises. For some reason asking outright made me uncomfortable and it upset me she may have “forgotten” to ask what I need.

We’re now moving out of that house to live a few hours away, but I’ll still be spending a few nights a week at my parent’s house. The only bed there for me is over 15 years old and my grandad slept on it for years. It’s full of coffee, tea and urine stains. I don’t want to sleep on it.

I asked my mum if there’d be a new bed for when I moved in and she said “either sleep on the one we have because the stains aren’t that bad, or buy yourself a new one.”

I outright said “most people would ensure their adult daughter has a clean bed to sleep on when she stays.”

She’s now saying she’ll buy me a bed and assumed i meant I’d be taking the “new” bed with me after I don’t need to stay there anymore, which makes me even more upset…. Because she bought an almost £1k bed for my sibling and she still technically “owes” me one!

I should say that money isn’t an issue for my parents and neither is space. Their house has plenty of empty bedrooms with spaces for beds that for one reason or another, have no beds in them.

So AIBU to think my parents should buy me a bed?

😂😂😂I'm surprised your stamping your feet also

Original poster
Girlinengland · 07/02/2024 09:56

You’re right. I shouldn’t have to drop hints that I want to be treated equally to my siblings.

OP posts:
Authorinwaiting · 07/02/2024 09:56

I think people have been hard on you here. I don't think the issue is the bed.
I think you are feeling less loved and that they are showing favouritism to your sibling.

I don't think they owe you a bed but it would have been nice to offer a token gesture to show you they are proud you are settling down.

ElevenSeven · 07/02/2024 09:57

Yabu, but you don’t think you are, so not sure why you’ve posted, tbh.

Era · 07/02/2024 09:57

Girlinengland · 07/02/2024 09:46

Wow. I was expecting some to say iabu and was ready for it tbh. I posted on here because I wanted alternate options.

but the level of clear bullying from mumsnet users is something else. Bet the same people who responded to me do the school run in their “be kind” t-shirts. Jeeeeez.

as some lovely people have pointed out, this isn’t at all about feeling entitled or wanting the bed, as many have pointed out. It’s wanting to be treated equally to my siblings when I very clearly haven’t been.

Does your sister also spend two nights a week at their house?

This isn't bullying. You just don't like being told you're wrong

MamaAlwaysknowsbest · 07/02/2024 09:57

Someone suggesting to sit down and ask the parents why they give differently to her and her sibling, might go well, might actually harden their hearts even more ( yes, i see they have hard hearts and have favourites).

My parents gave everything over to my brother when he got married and at that time I was single, when I tried to even bring the topic, they would just ignore me or shut me up. The amount of hurt was so much, that I left the country altogether.

this is why I gave my previous opinion. Please, dear poster, be careful with such people, even though they are your parents, apparently they are flawed human beings and do not have great fairness. Living in bitterness can cause great damage to your own heart.

WhoIsnt · 07/02/2024 09:57

YABU. I have siblings.

Parents are not obliged to buy EXACTLY the same things for all their children - things all balance out more or less in the wash, sometimes you'll receive more, sometimes you'll receive less. Don't be so grabby or entitled - maybe your parents' circumstances has changed and they're now more worried about money than they were.

They absolutely do NOT 'owe' you 1K.

Muchof · 07/02/2024 10:00

Girlinengland · 07/02/2024 09:56

You’re right. I shouldn’t have to drop hints that I want to be treated equally to my siblings.

Why are you even keeping score? You are an adult now (apparently).

TempleOfBloom · 07/02/2024 10:04

Girlinengland · 07/02/2024 08:50

I also worked all through uni which I fully funded myself. my parent’s paid for my sister’s uni .

This is a much bigger issue than the bed, and not surprising that you have focussed on the bed issue now that an ancient stained mattress is deemed worthy for you.

It is also a massive drip feed and as such the replies you see as bullying are probably based only on the £1k bed issue.

It sounds as if there is a longstanding issue of unequal treatment.

I guess your options are to talk openly and honestly with your parents about the whole thing, starting with the massive Uni issue, and how the mattress crystallises your feelings.

Or to recognise a long history and emotionally detatch from your parents , possibly with the support of counselling over the longstanding favouritism.

TheGrimSqueakersFlea · 07/02/2024 10:04

@Girlinengland You haven't actually settled anywhere, you keep moving in and out of your parents home. Perhaps they'd be better buying you a sleeping bag.

Your sibling moved out and stayed out, they settled in their own home and your parents have supported you by allowing you to move in and out of their home as you please. You have both been supported in different ways

Ciri · 07/02/2024 10:12

MN - AIBU to think my parents favour my sister over me? My sister is an adult but hasn't really moved out of my parents' home. She moved back in with them after university and even now that she's supposed to have moved out she stays there two nights every week and saves a fortune on hotel costs, travel, food, heating etc. She just chucks them a tiny token amount of £250 a month which is somehow supposed to compensate for this.

All I got was a bed and a kettle. They clearly prefer her. AIBU?

MKeegs · 07/02/2024 10:13

Use your £250 to stay elsewhere for your 8 nights

Comedycook · 07/02/2024 10:15

When I read your thread title I was all ready to say yabu...but actually I agree with you. Why the hell are they keeping a stained, pissy bed in their house anyway if money isn't an issue. Gross.