Wedding guest issues, WWYD?

[2024Bride]

I'm getting married this year, tricky situation has developed where one of the guests also attends a gym that I go to. I have walked in to the gym this week and said guest was there but completely unaware that I had walked in behind her and her friend. I hear their conversation and basically this guest is having an affair with another guest who is invited with his wife! I am in shock. I won't go into detail in case it's outing, but they won't be aware that one another is invited to the wedding yet, only the gym guest out of the 2 has had their invite up to now. I have told my DP I don't want them at the wedding now, but how on earth do I explain that when it comes around given that these are people who are close enough to be expecting an invite! It's none of my business what they do I get that, but they both have husbands and wives that this would shatter! What do I even do? I don't want them at my wedding, I feel awful not telling their partners as they are both close to us (not related). WWYD? I wish I was wrong but it was definitely what was being discussed, and there are reasons that I 100% know which man she was talking about which I won't say on here, and also what she has been getting up to with him 🤯🤯

She should talk to the gym bunny.

And talk to the husband of the gymbunny if he is her close personal friend - not if the husband is a friend by extension of that friendship. Which is usually the case.

Don’t be the messenger, it didn’t work well for me and I was asked if I knew.

id uninvite the gym one, tell them you know, don’t invite the other one, and be prepared to lose them all as friends.

if any of them are at your wedding it is all you will think about and ruin the day.

I think you should invite noth couples as you intended, the affair may fizzle out. I certainly wouldn’t do what a pp suggests and use your wedding to orchestrate a big reveal. They are probably well used to managing social situations without big dramas or shagging!

I don't understand why you and DH can't tell their partners about the affair? You can tell them individually, sympathse, and say you won't tell anyone else as it is up to them what to do with the information. Warn them both couples currently have a wedding invite, and that they are still welcome to come, but you want them to be aware in advance. Then you step back and leave them to manage their own lives.

I wouldn't change any of the in invitations.

I would focus on my wedding.

Hi @2024Bride I’m also getting married this year so feel like sorting guest lists has been my life recently.

The beauty of planning your own wedding is being able to say who you want or don’t want at your wedding and if you think both of these people’s presence will ruin your day then univite one and don’t invite the other but I would have a conversation with gymbunny first.

I say her as she is the one already invited and the one you overheard. If it is true, I’d say I’m not getting involved by telling other half’s but I’m also not going to lie if asked and I don’t want this as another thing to think about at my wedding and leave it at that.

This advice would change if any of the other half’s are my friend first - i.e you are only friends with gymbunny because of her husband or the wife on the other side - because I couldn’t have my friends looking like a mug and I know I could talk to them in confidence and if they tell me they know but want to keep the peace as some have said I’d follow their lead.

No, this is very different. There are many reasons why an abortion might be necessary, and I would not presume to judge why a woman has terminated a pregnancy. In the cases I know about, there were very difficult situations involved - none had an abortion as a thoughtless, casual act.

There is no reason why an affair is necessary.

You tell them that’s it’s public knowledge and you tell them to tell their partners or you will. If you’re a real friend you would let your friends know. Un-Inviting them makes you complicit. You know and said nothing so will be the bad person.
Or you simply forget what you heard, carry on as usual and wait for it to come out. It doesn’t seem like it is a big secret if being openly discussed with others in public.

Tbf it's none of your business, send the invites.

OP how have you made a thread which should be “My friends having an affair, do I tell their spouses who are also my friends?” about your wedding? Main character syndrome.

Tell your friends their partners are cheats.

Yes it's a crap position to be in. We can all agree with that.

However it's really not your business.

As many PP have said, it will not end well for you if you say anything to anyone.

Learn from other people's experiences and say nothing/do nothing. It really is the best way.

Should the affair come to light you should also not admit you knew.

The legal vows say nothing about not having sex with anyone else.
Now, I am not a proponent of polyamory or polygamy or 3-soms or even affairs....no matter how short. But that doesn't mean I get to force my views on others - or even pry into what their views are.
Even if its a church wedding with traditional vows about forsaking all others that doesn't mean every other married person there made the same promise or has the same expectation.

Its also possible to be horrified by the idea of your spouse cheating, but still not want to know if it happens. There are reasons some people would not want to know, why some may know but turn a blind eye....as long as no-one else knows.

Once an affair comes out publicly (even if only a few know) the innocent OHs have two choices, forgive or separate.....neither are easy and both will be judged.

Refusing to invite people.to your wedding because you believe their affair is against the vows you are making/they made is equivalent to not inviting atheists or other regigions to a church wedding. Or anyone living together who is not married, or anyone who ever had an affair .....which would rule out a lot of my close relatives

Which of these four would you consider your friends? If you’re going to say something to anyone, it should be the people you consider friends first…not the affair partners! By going to them first to aid them with the subterfuge, if I were a “friend” and found out you’d done that, I’d consider you complicit.

Ridiculous to uninvite anyone based on your moral superiority. Are you saying none of your other guests have ever done anything which doesn’t fall in line with your morals..?

Who are you better friends with? The affair couple or their partners?
If you're good friends with the one you overheard then I'd have a conversation with her, tell her what you overheard and see what she says. Tell her about the wedding and that you think it might be awkward and again see what she says.

I'm not clear on your reasons for maybe not inviting them - is it because you think it's going to kick off at your wedding? How many people are going (I'd think it would be unlikely to have an argument or even see much of each other if they are a few out of 100 guests for example). Or is it because you just don't want to see them any more knowing what you know? If the latter then that's quite extreme but you may as well uninvite them if your friendship is effectively over anyway. Though if you are more friends with their partners then that's trickier and you might want to tell them anonymously

Not necessary but maybe understandable….judgey much.

I would probably invite both couples and pretend I’ve not heard anything. All other options could end badly for you.
Only intervene if you would’ve done so anyway - your wedding is just one day.
Be prepared for seating plans to change!

This

I would stay out of it.

I think the wedding is a side issue. The true question is whether you want to tell their spouses or not.

Either you tell the affair partners you know and they should tell their partners before you do (but be prepared for this to end the friendship with you and your future DH). The outcome of this will determine who gets invited, ie if they break up or stay together.

or you just chalk it up as information you weren’t privy to and invite them all to the wedding. Maybe at a later date you could mention it to your friends if it is still upsetting you to know about it.

How much do you really know for sure from what you overheard?

Won’t the partners of both couples wonder why they’re not invited? They might fall out with you. If you uninvite them, be prepared with what you’re going to tell their partners if they ask you why.

Sounds like uninviting/not inviting is going to cause a big drama and draw everyone’s attention.
It sounds like if you don’t invite them you need a pretty good reason as to why - you need to say to their partners too, otherwise it really makes no sense and will just upset people. You’re not talking about telling their partners, you’re upsetting their partners for no reason, and involving yourself in this mess. Why?

I genuinely think I would either 1. pretend it didn’t happen Or 2. tell both their partners what you heard.

I think you have to do what is right for the innocent party here. Obviously I understand why you don't agree with the situation, but it might fizzle out before you get married anyway. I would be tempted to let both sides know that you know, it might put them off carrying on if they think if could end a marriage.

This.
Carry on as normal. It will eventually all come out.
It is none of your business and you will cause bigger problems.
Leave well alone.

your wedding isn’t really the issue.

you could do an anonymous letter to their spouses, naming the affair partner so they aren’t left wondering. I would do this if there are no kids involved. People say it’s cowardly, but it’s really not - the messenger often gets shot if at least caught in the crossfire.

That way you’d keep your name out of it and the wedding issue would solve itself.

What does your partner think, as it is a joint decision, not all on your shoulders