Wedding guest issues, WWYD?

[2024Bride]

I'm getting married this year, tricky situation has developed where one of the guests also attends a gym that I go to. I have walked in to the gym this week and said guest was there but completely unaware that I had walked in behind her and her friend. I hear their conversation and basically this guest is having an affair with another guest who is invited with his wife! I am in shock. I won't go into detail in case it's outing, but they won't be aware that one another is invited to the wedding yet, only the gym guest out of the 2 has had their invite up to now. I have told my DP I don't want them at the wedding now, but how on earth do I explain that when it comes around given that these are people who are close enough to be expecting an invite! It's none of my business what they do I get that, but they both have husbands and wives that this would shatter! What do I even do? I don't want them at my wedding, I feel awful not telling their partners as they are both close to us (not related). WWYD? I wish I was wrong but it was definitely what was being discussed, and there are reasons that I 100% know which man she was talking about which I won't say on here, and also what she has been getting up to with him 🤯🤯

Why are you staggering the sending of the invitations?

I think anonymous letters are awful. Very distressing to receive and often dismissed as troublemaking.

I have questions:

You overheard friend discussing this in the gym when you were behind them... just wondering how friend reacted when she knew you were there? Did she cotton on at all that you overheard?

In answer to your WWYD?, I think I'd have to tell both sets of cheating partners that you've become aware of what they're doing and will have to rescind the wedding invitation/won't be inviting them. Explain that it's up to them to let their partners know why and if you are asked directly, you won't be complicit in their lies.

I'm not sure outing the cheaters at this point is wise as it could come back to bite you on the bottom. But definitely don't cover for them.

Many people have secrets, and if you knew all those secrets you might not have anyone at your wedding. Issue invitations as planned and stop judging people on the basis of overheard conversations.

I would tell affair partner you are closest to (your friend at the gym?) that you were a rumour that she had been having an affair with Bob from accounting, and you don't want to get involved, but you wanted to let her know that Bob and his wife are also invited to the wedding. She can tell Bob and she can decide for herself how to handle the situation for her and her husband. I don't think you can uninvite good friends from your wedding without actually telling everyone and deciding to no longer be friends. If you plan to end the friendships with both, then I think just tell them that you don't want them in your life anymore, say why, and say they aren't invited. Seems a bit cruel to their partners though, who I assume you would also be friends with?

Hmm.. if it was a close friend of mine I would definitely tell them about the affair. But DH and I also have friends that are his friends who I have got to know and they’ve become my friends too. We hang out as couples or in groups but I don’t have a close one to one relationship with them. I wouldn’t tell them. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable not wanting this potential drama at your wedding though.

Speak to the 'friend' and point out what you know.

Suggest to her that she finds an excuse to decline.

Hopefully embarrassment that you know should sort her out

I would do nothing at this stage.

After the wedding I would let the cheated on partners know what is going on.

These things are always best dealt with in a cool way.

It is unfortunate that you heard this whole conversation; your gym friend is a blabbermouth.

I understand that you don't want cheaters at your wedding but do you know what? There WILL be some there, even if not this twosome. Most affair partners are discreet, they know what they have to lose and don't want to lose it. Many affairs are never known about. Ever.

Your blabbermouth gym friend is going to be rumbled either by you or by somebody else.

It's up to you whether you address this head on. I don't know if the man involved is your fiance's friend or yours but both he and she could be told that they are no longer welcome to attend your wedding.

Just don't be naiive thinking that they are the only cheaters in the room.

I honestly wouldn't care or see it as any of my business. Most people these days are either not as monogamous as they make out, or divorced.

Very few couples are actually completely faithful over a ten year period - if you're the faithful one, it's probably your partner. And even with the ones who are faithful, it's not that they don't want to, it's just that they're too scared and if they knew they could get away with it, they would. It's just biology.

a) how can you absolutely be 100% sure gym bunny is having an affair with this other friend of yours? Could it be someone else with the same name? You really really really have to be 100% sure you heard information correctly if you're planning on telling them both that you 'know'.

b) how do you know that the innocent partners don't already know/have suspicions and are 'getting their ducks in a row' (usual MN advice)?

I understand your dilemma and my knee jerk reaction would be to text the gym bunny and her affair partner separately telling them what I know and to tell them they need to sort their excuses for the declining/lack of invitation to your wedding! But. It's not that easy because as others have said, the fall out could be horrendous and you'd be known as the one who kicked it all off. I'm not sure I'd want that on my conscience but that still wouldn't stop me from feeling absolutely furious with the affair couple. I'd barely be civil to them if they both came to my wedding.

Have you discussed with your stb DH? What's his view?

That is absolute rubbish, you clearly move in different circles to me. Morals are not completely null and void here!

I think you need to tell the shaggers what you’ve told us. That you know of the affair. It puts you in a difficult position. You don’t really want them at the wedding anymore and you don’t like that you are now complicit in their dirty secret. Then ask them what they are going to do about it.

Tell her straight.

I know about you and Burt. I don't want either of you coming to my wedding especially as you will be with your partners that you are both cheating on.

It's my day of happiness and you and Burt being there and being fake with your partners and pretending nothing is going on between you is not something I want to witness on my wedding day. If you turn up you will be asked to leave and everyone will know why.

Ah, such a dilemma! I urge you to protect yourself from this toxic situation and tread very carefully! Just enjoy your happy day and don't worry about what your guests are getting up to in their spare time!

I think it would be different if someone had confided in you, but you only have this information because you were eavesdropping on a private conversation. If I were you, I would try very hard to "un-hear" that conversation and carry on as before. It could spectacularly backfire on you if you start un-inviting people to your wedding as questions will be asked and people are always more than happy to shoot the messenger in these situations. If you don't say anything, people will fill in the blanks and that could be even more harmful for you. Any actions you take will cause reactions and eventually the "you know what" will hit the fan!

This is what I would do -

I would contact the affair couple, either text or write or whatever, addressed to BOTH of them, saying: "Finding out that the two of you are having an affair has put me and Dave in an impossible situation so we will not be inviting you to our wedding. This includes rescinding the invitation already sent to GymBunny. How you explain this to your respective partners is your problem."

Then if either or their respective partners contacts you and asks a direct question, I would give them a direct answer.

Just tell the the people having the affair that they’re invitations are being withdrawn due to their affair and you’ll leave it to them to make excuses to their partners. Honestly, why would you put an innocent women in the middle of them at a wedding when it’s a real possibility one or both of them will give the game away even when they think they’re acting innocently.

And to be honest - I wouldn’t want to be knowingly be within breathing distance of the two Scumbag’s.

I wouldn't say or do anything, it's only an overheard conversation and could be misconstrued.

I think I would do this.

It might all be over by the time your wedding rolls round, or one if them might drop out.

I do understand that this changes your view of these two individuals - but no-one knows the details of someone else's marriage. And maybe the blabbermouth was exaggerating.
Unless you have actually witnessed them in the act, you don't know for sure.

So I would not be telling their partners at this point, but I would be letting blabbermouth know.

Unfortunately I think this is the only course of action.
You're not condoning the actions of affair couple but to do anything else would be to snub the innocent partners.
It may well be that the ones who don't have an invite yet will decline. They may not, but it is their awkward situation to resolve. Presumably the shaggers will discuss the fact that they're both invited, at some point, given that (as I understand it) everyone know each other via a wider friendship group.

Your friendships are f*cked either way. You uninvite/don't invite the couples and they resent you. You have both couples at the wedding and you resent them. You tell the innocent spouses and you bear the brunt of the recriminations. There are no 'win' scenarios here so what would feel better on your conscience?

If gym friend doesn’t know you know and you feel really awkward, you could always just leave the respective partners an anonymous note. This might be terrible advice but I know I’d want to tell them but feel awful for being the one to break the news!

If you don't mind losing this person as a friend, I'd simply say "I overheard your conversation about x and don't think it's appropriate for you to come and celebrate our marriage when you have no values for your own".

Is it brutal, yes. Should you care, no.

This is the advice I would give. I couldn't have them at my wedding, celebrating the sanctity of marriage when they have no respect for their own. I'd feel my wedding would be tainted and I would be sickened to even look at them. And as you know, you'll be looking for signs, and who wants that on their wedding day!

Tell them they're uninvited and why, and let them explain to their partners.

I'd say nothing. How far away is the wedding? The affair will most likely have fizzled out if its more than a few months away.