Wedding guest issues, WWYD?

[2024Bride]

I'm getting married this year, tricky situation has developed where one of the guests also attends a gym that I go to. I have walked in to the gym this week and said guest was there but completely unaware that I had walked in behind her and her friend. I hear their conversation and basically this guest is having an affair with another guest who is invited with his wife! I am in shock. I won't go into detail in case it's outing, but they won't be aware that one another is invited to the wedding yet, only the gym guest out of the 2 has had their invite up to now. I have told my DP I don't want them at the wedding now, but how on earth do I explain that when it comes around given that these are people who are close enough to be expecting an invite! It's none of my business what they do I get that, but they both have husbands and wives that this would shatter! What do I even do? I don't want them at my wedding, I feel awful not telling their partners as they are both close to us (not related). WWYD? I wish I was wrong but it was definitely what was being discussed, and there are reasons that I 100% know which man she was talking about which I won't say on here, and also what she has been getting up to with him 🤯🤯

I'd tell both parties why you are pulling the invite- whether you tell the partners that's up to you. I would be very clear they were no longer invited due to the affair and you now being aware of it don't want them to be there. Regarding the gym friend- will that make things akward with your gym going? I'd assume you'll kill both friendships if you disinvite them.

I'd just invite who you choose and don't get involved. I wouldn't uninvite anyone tho.

If you uninvite the already invited and don’t invite the other you risk the whole thing blowing up across your whole friendship group, as there’s no way there won’t be speculation across the group as to why the couples aren’t invited.

Its fine to have your thoughts and beliefs about what they’re doing-and I don’t disagree with you, BUT you run the risk of this being big gossip amongst other guests…having got to the age I am, I’ve learned there’s a lot goes on in other people’s relationships that’s none of anyon else’s business

I wouldn't want people at my wedding who I knew showed no respect to their own marriage. I think during the vows you might be very aware of the words you're saying and how the two shaggers have broken them, so for your sake, to enjoy your own wedding day, you need to tell the woman and she can tell the man that they're not invited.

This to me is not different to 'I am having a christening for my baby in a catholic church and I am sorry but I overheard that you had an abortion so I am un-inviting you' I would ask who made you judge, jury and executioner

Think I’d be inclined to message both the guilty parties and do the whole ‘you tell your poor innocent partners or I will’

Dont mention your wedding & still invite both couples, by the time it comes around they will have all either broke up or worked through it but I’d imagaine one or both of the innocent partners will politely decline the invite due to fear of the other couple being there.

I think the answer is do nothing. Sorry

I’d probably be a wimp and send anonymous messages to the wronged parties detailing the info I knew. They can choose to live in denial or confront or investigate. This won’t be the first time these people have cheated, their partners may be choosing to live in denial.

No advice, sorry, but this puts a whole new spin on those threads “uninvited to my best freinds wedding” doesn’t it

I wouldn’t want them there simply because I’d be worried about whether something might come out, the shock of seeing each other there could be uncomfortable and their partners might pick up on something being wrong and start to question, this could then become an issue on your day.

I would simply say to the gym girl really sorry but after over hearing you at the gym I don’t feel it’s appropriate that you come to the wedding, I will feel uncomfortable with you both there knowing what I know and I don’t want that on my wedding day.

Then you don’t invite the other party and they’ll know as she will more than likely tell him.

it’s your special day and you don’t want to spend it worrying

Yes of course I would want to know.
However I am also old enough to know that in every single situation like this it is a case of shoot the messenger. Somehow it will become your ‘fault’ that the innocent parties are going through trauma and you will be labelled a gossipy bitch.
Is that really what you want prior to your wedding?
I personally would take the cowards way out and pretend to know nothing about it.

This is what I would do. Tell both affair partners that you know and that they are not welcome at your wedding - and that they can say what they like to their spouses.

I’d make it clear that if either of the spouses asks why they’re not invited you will explain what is going on. Put the problem on to the affair partners.

I don't think that's a great idea - how would you explain that you were only telling the partner in those circumstances.

You need to forget about the wedding in this and decide whether you want to tell the other halves of the couples or not. Imagine overhearing that conversation without the wedding coming up. What would you do?

Make sure you are absolutely sure of your facts (and that they weren't winding you up).

I would probably not tell - depends on the people concerned I suppose. But on the balance, you can get the wrong end of the stick. People lie about all sorts of things, including making up affairs. You don't know what is going on in anyone else's life and marriage. And these people are clearly terrible at keeping secrets so if there is an affair, chances are they will give it away.

What a crappy position to be in. I would tell. My Dsis, DH was having an affair with someone at work. Her friend who worked at the same place, told her. She was very grateful to her friend as she knew what a awful position she was in. Goodluck.

Call both affair partners and tell them that you know and that they are now disinvited from the wedding.
and that if they’re that indiscreet then it won’t be long before others / their partners find out and if you’re asked about if you know anything or suspicions are confided in you, then you won’t lie.

then leave it with them. They’ll obviously distance themselves from you and you’re likely to lost that friendship but so be it

If you do decide to tell, it would be kind to do it with as little drama as possible. Don't involve other people, tell your friendship group, or try to force the culprits into a showdown or confession. Don't tell anyone how they should behave or feel Handle things quietly and assure their partners you will keep this confidential.

I would confront gym bunny with what I overheard and tell her you don't feel comfortable with either couple coming to the wedding now because you feel sorry for the spouses and the last thing you want is it blowing up at your reception. Then tell the affair partner the same. Then it's up to them to explain to their spouses why no invites are forthcoming. This is your wedding and you're entitled not to want to entertain their shit-show.

I'd either invite them all and let them do what they want, or tell the partners about the affair. It depends how close I was to the partners and how sure I was about what was happening.

You never know what others already know or suspect and maybe putting up with.
Yes some would want to know, but others would be horrified to know a friend was aware and even more horrified if they shared this knowledge with others.
So I genuinely think, if you over hear something, it's better to assume you may have miss heard or mis understood and say nothing.

I definitely wouldn't uninvited them.

You could just have a discrete chat with the guy...I saw X at the gym the other day and she was talking about you.....

But also. If you are all good friends and know each other well I would be surprised if they don't expect to all be at the wedding together!

Have you asked you soon to be husband what he thinks? I assume these are his friends too? How does he feel about @2024Bride ?

Your wedding is a red herring and actually is not relevant.

Your question is, do you tell your friend her DH is having an affair with a mate?
If it was me, I would want to know.

You either stay quiet or talk to one of the people involved.
Is there one friend in this debacle that you are closer to? That's who you go to first, even if it is one of the cheaters. Say you know what is happening and you are uncomfortable with it, you are being unfair to.......

Those are your choices - talk or shut up.

"I think during the vows you might be very aware of the words you're saying and how the two shaggers have broken them, so for your sake, to enjoy your own wedding day, you need to tell the woman and she can tell the man that."

Who, when saying their vows thinks, about what other people have been up to ?

You can bet a pound to a piece of shit that by the time the wedding comes around you won’t be the only one that knows so there’s a risk of a kick off about it one way or the other at your wedding which would be a risk I wouldn’t be prepared to take.
I’d tell affair couple they’re not invited and leave them to explain to their partners why. If their partners try to call you out because of the story they’re being told you can tell them your reasons.
What does your fiancé think?

I'm assuming that gym girl doesn't know you know? Tbh I wouldn't say anything. Following the example upthread, you don't know what goes on in other marriages or how they'll treat the messenger - or if you have mutuals, how that could go. If you were my friend, even if the affair news horrified me, I'd also think you were meddling and being dramatic framing the whole thing round your wedding. It's not Eastenders.

Unless you know or demand to know the relationship health of every other married couple in the room I think it's a pointless exercise, too; there's plenty that goes on that could be not in the spirit of your vows. Are you going to demand a do-over if anyone announces something you don't like after the fact?

Also I got married last year, maybe we just have nightmarish friends and relatives but headcount was the BIGGEST ball-ache going - even on the day. Maybe I'm mercenary but if they're pretty certain attendees, unless your wedding is huge or you have a good number of "spares" I wouldn't take 4 perfectly good bums off seats. Weddings are lovely and should be meaningful - but you're in the planning phase atm and that should be your priority.

I agree with the people that have said to speak to the affair partners and tell them why. I completely agree with pp that it’s likely it will be known by more people and could risk kicking off on the night of your wedding as alcohol will likely be involved.