Wedding guest issues, WWYD?

[2024Bride]

I'm getting married this year, tricky situation has developed where one of the guests also attends a gym that I go to. I have walked in to the gym this week and said guest was there but completely unaware that I had walked in behind her and her friend. I hear their conversation and basically this guest is having an affair with another guest who is invited with his wife! I am in shock. I won't go into detail in case it's outing, but they won't be aware that one another is invited to the wedding yet, only the gym guest out of the 2 has had their invite up to now. I have told my DP I don't want them at the wedding now, but how on earth do I explain that when it comes around given that these are people who are close enough to be expecting an invite! It's none of my business what they do I get that, but they both have husbands and wives that this would shatter! What do I even do? I don't want them at my wedding, I feel awful not telling their partners as they are both close to us (not related). WWYD? I wish I was wrong but it was definitely what was being discussed, and there are reasons that I 100% know which man she was talking about which I won't say on here, and also what she has been getting up to with him 🤯🤯

My main worry would be it would kick off at my wedding. My other problem would be i would find it distracting trying to make sure it didn’t kick off. I’m not sure what you tell them. Don’t invite the second couple and tell the first couple that you know about the affair and you don’t want to be involved but you also don’t want them at the wedding in case it kicks off. Be. Form they can’t promise it won’t kick off- one of the partners might know or suspect or just realise on the night/catch them.

Ok so here goes....really sorry everyone I deleted my account as I quickly realised AIBU wasn't the place to post this and ask for opinions, the responses were literally blaming me for walking in and hearing something which I was getting upset and frustrated about, so after trying to defend myself a few times I just removed myself. I am sorry for that. Came back yesterday and was absolutely blown away by how many votes and responses it got! It was even posted on the Facebook page and got a load of responses there too!

So, update. I asked "gym bunny" to meet for coffee. This is something relatively normal that we would do. After a bit of chit chat I came out and asked her if there's anything she would like to tell me, she immediately broke down and asked if I had heard her at the gym. Her stomach had been in knots since seeing me because she said when I appeared at the gym she felt sick not knowing if I had actually heard anything or not. But it's obvious now that I did. So she's mortified, but the sad thing is she's only mortified she got caught, not that she's actually been a sly bastard to our friend. But anyway, that part is nothing to do with me. She is adamant they have stopped messing around now that they've been found out. I told her if anything more goes on with them then please decline the invitation because I don't want to spend the day worrying about their baggage.

As for telling my other friend, I have told gym bunny I won't be opening my mouth because either way I'll lose the friendship. I'll be the world's worst for splitting people up, I'll be the world's worst for keeping my mouth shut. So I've opted to keep my mouth shut.

Judging by the vote, which is the most precise vote I've ever seen on a post, people agree that I am in a tricky situation.

As someone whose husband cheated several times and I found out years later that several people had known , I would absolutely want to know. When I think of those precious years my husband stole from me and made me miserable in the meantime it makes me so angry. Tell your friends partners even if they do blame the messenger. Good luck.

Hiyah. I actually registered with mums net after reading this on my Facebook feed as I wanted to reach out to you and comment. I feel awful for you. I see you updated the situation and it sounds like gym bunny has made things a little easier as now out in the open (at least for her). Also don't forget, she was incredibly indiscreet at the gym, with others listening, so it doesn't sound like she is keeping this a great secret in the first place. I was going to say that if you did invite them all and say nothing, then they would probably come. But there is time before the big day. A lot can happen, especially as gym bunny knows you know. Does your husband have an opinion on inviting them?
My advice. -
Now that bunny knows, don't invite either of them and say it's because you know they can't make it as you have spoken to them already.
Tell bunny and her man to invent excuses.
Don't forget, this is your big day with photos being taken. Do you want his/her face in your wedding album, eating your cake, dad dancing to ABBA? I wouldn't. Lots of love and I hope you have a lovely wedding. Your hubby to be is a lucky man to have someone who cares this much about doing the right thing. Xxx

Thank you so much @Loveballet that's a lovely thing to say. Yeah my DP doesn't want to invite them either he is on the same page as me that they have been selfish fuckers, shitting on their own doorsteps with not a care in the world until they've been caught.

There you go!!

Listen to your new husband to be. He's the one that matters in this scenario!!🤣 Good luck whatever you decide. Xx

Disinvite gym girl and tell her why, tell the guy why him and wife aren’t invited and tell both that if they don’t tell their partners you will. Never ever be the one to actually tell, you’ll end up the villain in every story. Your friends might need this reality slap to force them out of their double lives and this gives them the opportunity to do the right thing and tell their own partners.

Well thanks for the update @2024bridenew,seems like you’re happy with your decision. I feel so bad for @Shortstufflady in her very moving post above, who had years robbed from her.

Just don’t forget OP, as you seem like someone with a conscience, that you now have to look your cheated-on friends in the eyes, knowing what you know and potentially deny all knowledge of the affair if it comes out in the future or admit that you knew and be branded as complicit. For me, those friendships would already be effectively over, given the circumstances and I’d be looking to distance myself as much as possible.

Really hope it works out for you - best of luck with all the wedding plans and enjoy your day!

Which is why posters have said either tell the injured parties or stay out of it completely.

Your wedding is a completely different matter to the issue of whether you tell. If you do, then they won’t all come to the wedding anyway.

I’d assume I heard incorrectly, or maybe they are dance partners….

and continue on! Both invited. The whole thing is not your problem.

then I’d introduce the two couples in question. Muhahaha.

or you could talk to gym friend and get them to back out.

Yeah its a tough one to call, as the replies on here say...half the people saying I need to tell them, the other half calling me nothing short of a Bridezilla as its nothing to do with me. I'm in a lose lose situation.

Personally I would do as someone has said above, tell them to come clean or you will. I couldn’t look them friends in the face knowing their partners have cheated. Yes it may be a one time thing but knowing cheaters it won’t be the last time and I’d hate for it to come out that you knew and said nothing, you will definitely loose them as friends then

I wouldn't want them at the wedding. The bride will feel awkward on her big day knowing a secret and seeing them all playing happy families.

You've got enough on your hands planning a wedding to be investing so much in this affair OP.
Now one knows, I'd tell the other as if gym girl decides to come clean, she'll mention you knew.

Most of the advice was to say nothing or tell the cheated on people.
Telling one and not the other makes ypu complicit.
Of course gym girl would deny it to you doubt they've ended it.

Invite the innocent person from each couple!

Seriously though, I'd not want them there because it would be awkward for you! but from experience I know that telling a friend they are being cheated on often backfires on the teller no matter their good intentions. I have morals though so I couldn't have them all there and have their partners being humiliated behind their back.

Aww I don't think you're Bridezilla at all, but thought you shouldn't tell coz you don't need this stress, and I did wonder what your fiance thought. Poor you! But I think it might all come out in the wash before the wedding anyway, so not your problem and you can look forward to a wonderful wedding!👰

You overheard a conversation (strange that she would risk discussing it in a public place?!) but you actually don’t know the full situation. Perhaps this is some sort of revenge affair because one (or both?!) of their spouses have also had affair(s?) in the past?! Perhaps the cheaters are really deeply in love unexpectedly and are making each other happy but they also don’t want to hurt their partners whom they also still love or perhaps financially they can’t / shouldn’t leave kids/spouses etc. Nobody happy ever has an affair. It is always fulfilling some kind of emotional or physical need that is not being met in the marriage: fact. So many people marry young or grow apart over time then feel lonely and lost. The truth is that humans are mammals and not biologically designed to be monogamous for life and perhaps this is an unsettling truth to face (especially as you’re getting married!) but it’s only social conventions and constructs - often inspired by historical ideas surrounding religion or ownership of land, property, money, women and children etc - that has created this idea of lifelong exclusive and jealously guarded partnerships. In some rare cases, the system works and a couple can evolve together and remain in love for life and blissfully happy but that’s rare and very lucky. I think it’s not as uncommon as you might think for life to get complicated at times and they certainly won’t be the only people at your wedding who have had love affairs! I would not get involved. It’s none of your business and until you find yourself unhappily married (I sincerely hope that you don’t!) it is impossible to understand the motivations that people might have for finding some fleeting joy together! They might get divorced and end up living out their days together. They might not. Either way, it is not your moral duty to ‘intervene’ - let people live their own lives and suffer the consequences of their own decisions and actions like the adults they are. In all probability they will suffer anyway in the long run, either from guilt, loneliness when one of them ends it or the miserable realization that they cannot be together despite their insane compatibility due to the enormous damage it would inflict emotionally and financially on the other people in their lives that they love too. Life is not black and white. People change. Luck, age (biological clock!) and geography have a lot to do with who you end up marrying and in many cases you encounter somebody who suits you much better years down the line in inconvenient and therefore tragic circumstances - basically, when it’s too late and you’ve already had kids / got a house / enmeshed your families etc. How you handle that situation when/if it arises depends on how happy you are and your personal beliefs/character. Ultimately, just focus on your wedding is my advice. Invite them if they’re your friends. Don’t get involved in something when you don’t know the full picture.

Just keep it to yourself and stick to the plan. Pretend you haven't heard anything. Not your business, not your problem. Crack on with your wedding and leave the can of worms unopened. Hope you have a great day.

I think you deal with it NOW before the wedding. You find a way to let the friend who is cheating know that you overheard the conversation and you are heartbroken as you are close to both gym bunny and husband. Tell gymbunny it's none of your business what she's doing but you dont want that coming to light at the wedding, so she should find a way to not attend please. You arent in a position to judge the gym bunny and her husbands choices, and the behaviour may not be how you'd conduct your relationship, but that's how gumbunny is choosing to. You dont have to like it, nor be involved just leave it at " I'm sorry but I dont approve of what's going on and I dont want you at the )wedding with your husband knowing what I know" " I realise its tour business, but it has changed how I see you as a person and other people at the wedding could be hurt if it were to get out"
It isnt your business to get involved in their relationship, but you can keep that out of your big day. Its then up to gym bunny to act. People we love dont always live up to our expectations .

Invite all, at speech time thank everyone for coming including partners and mistresses and those having affairs (you know who you are!!) And enjoy the mass brawl that may break out. On a more serious note the suggestion to tell the two involved cheaters individually that their secret is out and is the reason they aren't invited sounds best

Its really affecting your private life? Get on with your wedding arrangements and stop worring whos shagging who. It wont make any difference to you in the long run, but you could ruin a load of peoples lives by saying anything. If you feel that bad, after the wedding distance your self from both couples.

@Dahlia1983 are you having an affair?! There may be reasons for them but they aren't justifiable. It's totally unfair on the deceived and cheated on spouse.if you are married and signed up for a monogamous relationship you have duty to let your spouse know if you have changed your mind on that. Affairs only make a bad situation worse for at least one of the people involved. If you are in unhappy in relationship, you need to find a way forwards that doesn't involve deceiving and disempowering another person. Yes, it'll be painful but affairs are worse.

@Yerroblemom1923 I'm glad you aren't my friend. I'd hope my friends would think my happiness and honesty are their responsibility.

I speak as someone who's partner had an affair. I would be very glad to have OP as a friend.

Oh crikey, this is a really difficult one and frankly you will feel bad which everway you go.

If you don't invite them, given you have to disinvite one pair, when the relationship is exposed, it will be obvious you knew and didn't tell the innocent parties and they be devastated and feel betrayed. It will be easy to put two and two together.

Part of me wants you to tell gym bunny to decline the invitation if she knows whats good for her but again you hurt the innocent partner.

However, the conundrum is really whether you expose what you know not your wedding. Sadly and I know you might not like this but your wedding, your feelings, are secondary here.

You have two options, tell the innocent partners or keep quiet and stay out of it. If you warn off guilty partners from coming to the wedding, when innocent parties discover their betrayal they will realise you knew and said nothing.

So either invites stand and you zip it, no matter how uncomfortable it is and do not get involved, or you spill the beans now.

No one but you can decide this and I have been in this exact situation with friends. I will be honest, I was very close to one innocent partner and having been cheated on myself, I spilled the beans. It devastated my friendship group because there were those who it became obvious had been aware well before me and had said nothing. There were also recriminations with me being labelled a troublemaker to try cast doubt on my revelations..

But, and here is the real humdinger, it turned out my friend, "the innocent one", was not as innocent as I believed and she was responsible for the state of the relationship that made her partner look elsewhere. I was stunned and the truth is you never know what goes on behind closed doors.

So speak up or button it, only you have the facts and know the dynamics, there is no "one answer fits all". However there are usually innocent victims.

So sorry you are in this situation as its so unsettling but your wedding, sadly is not the issue at hand.

Send an anonymous note to all involved!