Wedding guest issues, WWYD?

[2024Bride]

I'm getting married this year, tricky situation has developed where one of the guests also attends a gym that I go to. I have walked in to the gym this week and said guest was there but completely unaware that I had walked in behind her and her friend. I hear their conversation and basically this guest is having an affair with another guest who is invited with his wife! I am in shock. I won't go into detail in case it's outing, but they won't be aware that one another is invited to the wedding yet, only the gym guest out of the 2 has had their invite up to now. I have told my DP I don't want them at the wedding now, but how on earth do I explain that when it comes around given that these are people who are close enough to be expecting an invite! It's none of my business what they do I get that, but they both have husbands and wives that this would shatter! What do I even do? I don't want them at my wedding, I feel awful not telling their partners as they are both close to us (not related). WWYD? I wish I was wrong but it was definitely what was being discussed, and there are reasons that I 100% know which man she was talking about which I won't say on here, and also what she has been getting up to with him 🤯🤯

This.

Personally I would ask to talk In private..say you overheard her and that whilst your not comfortable saying anything you would prefer her not to attend your wedding because you don't agree with it.

If the poor women who's hubby is cheating on her was a close friend personally I would tell her. If she's not a close mate up to you but if she finds out you knew and didn't say anything well she will be upset.

My advice - If it’s the friend you overheard at the gym you need to uninvite, tell her she’s uninvited and tell her why. Suggest she comes clean to her partner and tell her to inform her lover that he will also not be invited to the wedding and that’s it’s recommended that he also come clean to his partner. Usually I’m team ‘tell the person their partners cheating on them’ but I imagine with an upcoming wedding you’ve got enough on your plate at the moment. If it’s still eating you up inside after the wedding then tell the partners but be prepared for a fall out and for people to be upset/angry with you. It’s such a shitty position to be in.

Instead of telling the cheated-on people what their partners have been up to, you want to publicly humiliate them by drawing attention to them by not inviting them to your wedding. That's very cruel. Imagine being the person being cheated on and having everyone asking you why you aren't invited. You'll be forcing them to either lie or share their private business.

The thing is, OP, you don’t have to do anything. As other posters have pointed out, this conversation wasn’t meant for you. Those involved don’t know you overheard, so as far as anyone else is concerned you know nothing. If you invite both couples, the respective affair partners will each know they are invited along with their spouses. If they feel it will be too uncomfortable they’ll sort it out between themselves. Problem solved without you even batting an eyelid. Let them get on with it and enjoy your day.

I've been in exactly this situation OP and I chose to do nothing because I couldn't see a good outcome for anyone if I spilled the beans. You have only found out about this affair by accident, as I did, and neither the shagging couple nor their partners will ever know you knew provided you keep your mouth firmly shut and resist the desire to confide in anyone else within your social circle. In my case, the affair was a shortlived fling that quickly burnt itself out and both marriages have continued happily, as far as I can tell. I don't know if this would have been the case if I had told any member of the quartet and I don't imagine that we would still all be friends if I had. You never really know what is going on in other people's marriages and frankly, it's best that you don't. Invite both couples, say nothing and enjoy your day.

It's two separate issues.

Tell them or not (I probably would)

Invite them to the wedding or not (I'd let them come who knows what the other guests are up to)

If you just un/not invite them and don't say why, that's being a drama llama. Good luck with whatever you decide, it's a horrible situation 😬

I’d be telling the gym bunny you heard their conversation and they are no longer invited, I’d also be telling their partner and the man’s partner what you have heard and let them deal with it how they like. I can’t stand infidelity and would hope that if a friend new my husband was cheating they would tell me

I can’t stand infidelity

Neither can I. But I recognise that it doesn’t give me the right to police other peoples’ marriages.

I'd just do as you originally planned and invite both, and ignore the affair. I imagine if you knew the number of people at your wedding you'd had an affair (that you don't know about) you'd be shocked. But it happens, it's life.

if you are such good friends, why not just confront her and tell her what you overheard?

i these situations i think; when it all comes out, as it inevitably does, what can you say to the wife - i confronted her and told her to stop OR - well....i did uninvite her from my wedding

This affair has absolutely nothing to do with you and none of your business. I don't think you should change your original plans. Its too late. You can't go uninviting folk it's very bad form. So are affairs, but not your business.

Honestly, forget you ever heard what you heard. Because if and when it comes out you'll be the bad guy for keeping quiet. If you blow it wide open you'll also be the bad guy!

I haven't read all the replies, just yours OP so may be repeating.

I'd arrange to meet invited guest and explain that you were behind them and heard her conversation with, name friend, and even though it's none of your business what she does as you're also friends with the H's wife you feel really bad and don't feel you can enjoy your special day knowing this while both you and other couple are at the wedding. I'd tell her that as of yet you haven't invited the other couple but feel you can't leave the wife out as she's a good friend and she'd be upset that you've been invited and she hasn't so you're asking her to not come.

She herself can then tell her DH why they can't go/are cancelling in whichever way she wants.
I'd also ask her that you couldn't lie to your friend about the reason why so you're asking her to let the OM know that you want neither couple there and if he had any sense he can tell his DW the truth or book a holiday away with DW inorder to be unavailable to go to your wedding,

This isn't for you to work round.

You’re in an absolutely shit situation, but you need to make a “lesser of two evils” choice. My advice would be to absolutely stay out of this - you will pay the price as a messenger if you involve yourself in any way. Uninviting guests will be involving yourself, because if it all comes out later down the line, you’ll be made out to be an awful person for knowing but not doing enough about it. It won’t be fair, but that’s what will happen. Everyone will be judgemental about your actions.

I think all you can do is suck it up and have them both at your wedding and pretend you don’t know a thing.

I've been cheated on by someone who tried to cheat throughout our whole marriage. To my knowledge, the person he is with now was the first to go along with it. If I had known sooner, I would have made very different life choices, which would have been better for me and my children. I'm sure others won't agree, but I would tell your friends what you know. There is nothing worse than being kept in the dark. The may even already suspect, but are being told that they are being paranoid...the classic.

If you feel so strongly that you want to uninvite both couples then you will have to tell them all because they will all find out. I can't think of another believable reason good friends suddenly get their wedding invites revoked when all your other friends are still going. The innocent couple will (obviously) want to know what's wrong. Wouldn't you want to get to the bottom of it in their shoes OP? Personally, telling them is not something I would do and you will probably lose all their friendships. The only other potentially believable excuse I can think of is to manufacture a rift with each of the guilty couple but that's ridiculous and distasteful.

If you’re sure you are 100% certain they are having an affair- I would anonymously tell their partners. Then the wedding will sort itself but you’ve done the correct thing. Also don’t tell anyone you’re telling them as it’ll get icky with you and you don’t want involvement, but you’ve done the right thing.

What do you want the outcome of not inviting them to be?
If it is ‘they know you know’ - then fair enough
If it is ‘they know you know and then they will stop’ - will they?
If it is ‘they know you know and you can tell other people why if they ask’ then that is even less fair on their partners

Also, you are acting as if this info was shared with you, when actually you overheard a conversation. Indiscreet yes; but you have not been taken into either person’s confidence so your moral outrage at the position you have been put in is a little unjustified.

100% this!
Plus I’d tell them what a pair of dogs they both are 🤮.
I personally would have to add that if I saw them playing happy families again I’d tell their partners, no one deserves that.

I am startled by some of these comments. Of course OP doesn't want her wedding day, a day all about love and the sanctity of marriage, to be overshadowed by the presence of those who do not respect the love and sanctity of their own marriages. It's a day for at least pretending that happy ever after exists.

I'd be inclined to invite just the partners of the cheating couple, and with regret, inform the partners of why their potentially cheating spouse is not invited. Of course if it's all the big misunderstanding (which you can aknowlege might be the case) or if they choose to work through their respective marital difficulties the partner is welcome to bring their cheating spouse, but it's their call.

Given the op was close enough to be able to hear so much, yet no one noticed her, and she didn't say hi straight away, means they can't be close friends and I wouldn't feel guilty about revealing the affair. The woman talking about it openly in a gym that's frequented by people who know her husband, is just asking for trouble. Why should the OP be discreet given that the cheating woman wasn't too worried about such things?

If they were not invited to the OPs wedding it would probably would be churlish for the OP to reveal the affair. But the OP is hosting a big social event and they have been indiscreet; the OP can't ignore it and neither should she have to.

It's absolutely your business who you have at your wedding. If they are all there with you keeping the secret, you are going to spend the day feeling uncomfortable. One because you are keeping secrets from friends and two, because there is a chance it could come out at your wedding and there ends up being a showdown that overshadows your big day. Having integrity is not the same as being on a high horse. You have every right to be upset and shocked and to need time to work out how you proceed. What did your partner say when you told them? How do they think you should handle the situation?

Talk it through as a couple and decide how you want to proceed from there. It's your big day and you need to find a solution that will allow you to fully enjoy it.

Neither can I. But I recognise that it doesn’t give me the right to police other peoples’ marriages.

Its not policing them by tell their other halves. Either spouse can do what they want, Op isn't telling them what to do.
Plus the innocent parties potentially are missing out on the wedding if the Op doesn't invite them /retracts the invite and that IS policing their marriage.

Tell the respect other halves what you know and keep the invites open. That way its up to the married couples to decide what's appropriate and the Op removes feeling guilty.

How close are you to the ones who are having the affair, and how close are you to the deceived people?

If the people being lied to both happen to be the ones you’re good friends with, it’s more of a question if you should tell them. If the two doing the shagging are your close mates and the two being messed about are their partners who you know through them, I wouldn’t say anything. It’s not nice but it’s also not your mess to wade into.