Grandparents pleasing themselves

[WanderingScotty]

My MIL and FIL look after DS once a week and occasionally at the weekend and have done since he was 1 (now 4.5). (They used to look after him twice a week but we already reduced this because of this issue).

MIL and FIL are fantastic with DS in many ways - he loves spending time with them and they love having him. He’s very lucky to have them.

We have always had some “ground rules” for when they look after him - e.g watch sugar intake, limit screen time etc. It’s not strict, essentially everything in moderation and we just ask them to keep us informed so we can adapt as needed.

MIL and FIL would admit themselves they are not the healthiest of eaters and have no desire to change this. This has caused confusion in the past where they’ve given DS something they think is healthy but we wouldn’t think is (e.g ultra processed, low calorie). FIL also doesn’t take well to being told what to do and can sometimes be a bully (which I admit gets my back up and makes it hard for me to back down). MIL is very unconfrontational and will go along with anything even if she disagrees to avoid an argument (but will make subtle comments so we know if she doesn’t agree).

FIL wants free rein to do what he wishes with DS when they look after him. He wants to spoil DS as that’s “his right as a grandparent”. Mainly this is give him sweets, chocolate, ice cream etc, buy him any toy DS wants etc. Whilst we understand this to a degree FIL looks after DS too often to spoil him as much as he wants to. My mum also looks after DS and it’s not fair on her if she follows what we ask when she too would like to spoil him more. More importantly, this isn’t fair on DS as he gets confused or upset when there isn’t a consistent approach and takes sugar crashes after eating too much sugar.

DS is getting older and is able to understand and verbalise more. This afternoon, he came home and told us he had 3 chocolate treats which they hadn’t told us about. We asked them and they denied this. DS insisted he was telling the truth so we questioned them more.

FIL got defensive asking if we’d been quizzing DS after they’d left - we did but only after DS initially told us. This has led to a heated discussion tonight as FIL says he should be able to do what he wants, he’s raised 2 boys who turned out fine, DS is only with them one day, we’re imagining the sugar crashes etc. He also thinks we should trust them and not question them (despite saying he doesn’t want to go along with what we’re asking).

We have outlined the reasons we’re asking them to follow our rules. Ultimately he’s our son but we have them there because it’s what we think is best for him. MIL is agreeable but FIL is grudgingly backing down. It’ll likely raise its head again in a few months as this seems to be the way it goes.

AIBU for expecting them to follow our wishes or am I getting too bothered about it?

If it was over a couple of pieces of chocolate then I'd say you need to back off and stop being unreasonable, but it isn't about a couple of biscuits here and there.

I don't think you're being unreasonable because it sounds like they have an awful diet, aren't giving DC nutritious food and seem to equate showing love with giving their grandchildren crap to eat. That would be a concern for me, especially if my child wasn't eating their dinner because they've snacked endlessly on sugary junk all day.

The lying and arguing about their right to fill a kid with sugar would probably push it to deal breaker territory for me. It bothers me a little bit how many people seem to think that out of gratitude for having family who care, it should be accepted that relatives fill kids up with sugar to show their love.

I'm going against the grain here. Nothing wrong with treats, but three mars bars is way too much for a little kid, if this is happening every week, and parents, and other grandparent are wanting to give him treats too.

Little kids post baby hood just don't need much food, so that much chocolate does not leave much room for nutritional food.

Little wonder we have an obesity epidemic.

@MiddleParking Well OP needs to know about any dairy that the kid has so that she can watch for symptoms, so grandparents lying about dairy is a huge issue.

Pay for childcare on those days. I don’t want my child eating crap and being plonked in front of a screen so she goes to a nursery that has lots of outdoor time and and sensory activities.

As you said they aren’t healthy eaters and are encouraging ds to eat unhealthily. My worry would be when he is older they will start the ‘don’t tell your mummy you ate 3 candy bars’ which will set them up with a bad/guilty relationship with food.

knock it on the head. They don’t want to change, that’s fine, find him a good nursery.

YANBU, 100% in agreement with you. My parents are very good with my DS, he eats very healthily and only has 30 minutes of screen time there as per my wishes (tbf they are very healthy people). Meanwhile I’ve had to have a word with MIL a few times about screen time and healthy eating though she rarely looks after him.
At the end of the day, these are our precious children and we, as parents, get to decide what’s best for them. The only part I’d say you’re being unreasonable about is still letting them care for him. I would remove him from their care and put him in nursery instead.

I hope this is a tongue in cheek reply. If I was your MIL I would tell you where to stick your free/cheap childcare.

OP - Relationships with grandparents are the most special, and you are jeopardising it with your controlling behaviour.

Please think about what you are doing to your child. You are spoiling the lovely time he spends with his grandparents.

I would NOT be impressed with the lying about it.

The responses on this thread are nuts.

Don't let the internet gaslight you into thinking it's normal for a four-year old to have three chocolate bars a day, plus junk food. It's not loving to the child to give them so much sugar, it's really not great for teeth and general health. Three chocolate bars is loads!

If this was a thread about a mother choosing to give her kid junk food and 3 Mars bars every Saturday "to show them love", the responses would be very different.

I’ll go against the grain here. If it’s three chocolate bars that’s ridiculous. Even your son seems to be aware that that’s not okay. Your choices are to pay for child care or give him a lunch box and maybe say he’s in a strict diet because of his stomach.
Id be worried about the judgement of anyone who gives a child three chocolate bars in one day, especially when they know it’s against your wishes. Lying about it is also weird.
However, the fact you also say you don’t want them to buy him toys (not sure why) and other things in your post do make you seem a little bit over the top too.

I agree with you op.

Sometimes people don't realise that people aren't just talking about a couple of biscuits or a Freddo after lunch.

My in laws are all obese, dh milk teeth all went rotten as a child and his adult teeth are full of fillings.

Their idea of a normal diet for a child is frrosties for breakfast with extra sugar sprinkled on top, juice and hot chocolate all day along with nesquik made with 10 spoons of powder, Belgian buns with lunch then more cake and ice cream with dinner.

But I paid for childcare because sure I realised that it would never work asking people I don't see eye to eye with to look after my child.

MN is full of parents who would love to have grandparents willing to look after their children never mind grandparents who love doing it!

I think you sound overbearing. They have him one day a week. Let them share this one day a week and perhaps they don’t entirely follow your ‘rules’ but if everyone is happy and having fun that’s more important. Your DS will soon be at school and he will (and grandparents) will miss their time together.

Surely he starts school in September so its only 28 more days? At this point that isn’t going to make a difference.

I don’t think there’s any need to wonder, of course the response would be different, because that’s a completely different issue.

Junk in junk out.
If I was asked to look after grandchildren I'd follow their parents instructions to the letter
My grandparents used to buy me sweets abd my teeth.....
My kids never had sweets and have no fillings.
They are just promoting bad habits.

Same here. The concerning thing is the PIL attitude- the domineering FIL especially.

OP, sounds like visits to GPS with you are the way forward. Childcare every week - use nursery.

So now you know what goes on OP and there'll be plenty you don't know the question is are you going to stop the day and pay for childcare?
Let's see......

OP can you set some easier ground rules for them to follow? So rather than no sugary treats how about max 1 or 2. Instead of no choc biscuits just say please give him only 1. That way they can do the things they want but control the amount? May be easier for them to follow

Growing up, the rule for us was all food rules are off limits at Nan and Grandads house. It’s not like it’s every day of the week, is it?
Lighten up.

Once your child grows up a bit, he’s going to eat all kinds or sugary rubbish and you’ll be able to do nothing about it. This militant obsession with monitoring every thing that children eat is very strange and I think causes kids to grow up obsessed with snacks and bad food. Whereas let them have a bit of everything in moderation and they won’t see it as forbidden fruit.

Youre ridiculous OP, and at risk of harming your DHs and DCs relationship with their own family. I’d say you’d harm yours but you sound unpleasant and controlling enough they’d be better off not having one with you.

Are you paying them? If yes yo have a leg to stand on. If not, as long as he's safe and happy, you pretty much have to let it go unless you want this to be a constant argument.

Tbh it doesn't sound like you're very keen on your FIL - why would you let someone you know is a bully have so much responsibility for your child?

Just get the child into nursery on the day your PIL usually has him (or if your mum can have him, then let her). If the PIL protest just tell them it was too stressful having all the disagreements, and this way they can enjoy their time with DS when you're all together as a family without the pressure of being responsible for him.

What you don't get to have is free childcare and total control of how the childcare is delivered. That's what you pay for/shop around for.

I would be annoyed as well if my child was given quite a lot of chocolate over the course of the day but ultimately if someone is looking after your child for free you must pick your battles. Weigh it up OP and decide if it’s worth the agro.

Although I seem to be in the minority I personally do see why you are upset op. My parent are very similar with my (upper primary age) children. They have them once a week for 2 hrs and they are given sugary drinks and sugary food and places in front of the TV.

For time there are several issues -

1. It always does have an impact on the kids. Their behaviour is absolutely affected by sugary drinks and food (or maybe the other things that are in them). Both are ND so likely this affects them more than an other children. I stopped them having the kids on a Monday when the kids were small because it threw out our whole week. Then lives to a Friday as a massive treat day then was more manageable and we had the weekend day to recover. But you shouldn’t have to recover from being looked after from a grandparent.
2. it’s excessive. I don’t mind if they bought them a weekly cake or something, but it’s not it’s a cake, a large bag of haribo each and a sugary drink- all in 2 hrs. On the rare occasion they’ve had them for longer this continues throughout the day. I don’t think many adults would feel good if they are a whole bag of haribos, a doughnut and a coke in 2 hrs. 3)They’ve ignored my requests. I haven’t asked them not to get anything, but I’ve repeatedly ask them to give just one treat- and pointed out other “treats” the kids love that are healthier (mango etc). Yet they still do it. To me this feels massively disrespectful when I’ve made a simple kind request.
3. There is very little other things of value that they do with the kids. They don’t play with the kids or listen to them when then talk very well. They don’t take them to the park. So to me it feels like they throw some snacks at them and hope they’ll sit and watch TB ….what they do at home and what I wasted almost all my childhood doing. My kids don’t particularly like being given lots of weeks and the oldest has started collected it in his treat box- he has so much it will probably have to be thrown. Because he, maturely, eats moderately. So if given a whole large bag of haribo he will have a couple and then put the bag away for later.

The weird thing is- reading above sounds like they don’t want to watch the kids. But they ask to. I could put them in after school instead but when I suggested that they didn’t want it. They get out out when I ask someone else to have the kids.

I think my parents don’t realise is that good and diets have changed massively since the 50/60s when they were kids. The absolute shite that is in a massive amount of food now is crazy. Where as sweets were a maybe once a week treat as a kid for them, our kids are bimbarded by them daily- treats from the teacher, sweets from parties, sweets when it’s someone’s birthday, sweets for getting your hair cut, sweets in the kids pack. I also remember recalling they are the first generation coming now- where their life expectancy isn’t getting longer!

@Jifmicroliquid I don’t see three chocolate bars a day as moderation

This...I'm with you too OP and surprised at some of these responses! I think I'd be looking at nursery.

This.