Grandparents pleasing themselves

[WanderingScotty]

My MIL and FIL look after DS once a week and occasionally at the weekend and have done since he was 1 (now 4.5). (They used to look after him twice a week but we already reduced this because of this issue).

MIL and FIL are fantastic with DS in many ways - he loves spending time with them and they love having him. He’s very lucky to have them.

We have always had some “ground rules” for when they look after him - e.g watch sugar intake, limit screen time etc. It’s not strict, essentially everything in moderation and we just ask them to keep us informed so we can adapt as needed.

MIL and FIL would admit themselves they are not the healthiest of eaters and have no desire to change this. This has caused confusion in the past where they’ve given DS something they think is healthy but we wouldn’t think is (e.g ultra processed, low calorie). FIL also doesn’t take well to being told what to do and can sometimes be a bully (which I admit gets my back up and makes it hard for me to back down). MIL is very unconfrontational and will go along with anything even if she disagrees to avoid an argument (but will make subtle comments so we know if she doesn’t agree).

FIL wants free rein to do what he wishes with DS when they look after him. He wants to spoil DS as that’s “his right as a grandparent”. Mainly this is give him sweets, chocolate, ice cream etc, buy him any toy DS wants etc. Whilst we understand this to a degree FIL looks after DS too often to spoil him as much as he wants to. My mum also looks after DS and it’s not fair on her if she follows what we ask when she too would like to spoil him more. More importantly, this isn’t fair on DS as he gets confused or upset when there isn’t a consistent approach and takes sugar crashes after eating too much sugar.

DS is getting older and is able to understand and verbalise more. This afternoon, he came home and told us he had 3 chocolate treats which they hadn’t told us about. We asked them and they denied this. DS insisted he was telling the truth so we questioned them more.

FIL got defensive asking if we’d been quizzing DS after they’d left - we did but only after DS initially told us. This has led to a heated discussion tonight as FIL says he should be able to do what he wants, he’s raised 2 boys who turned out fine, DS is only with them one day, we’re imagining the sugar crashes etc. He also thinks we should trust them and not question them (despite saying he doesn’t want to go along with what we’re asking).

We have outlined the reasons we’re asking them to follow our rules. Ultimately he’s our son but we have them there because it’s what we think is best for him. MIL is agreeable but FIL is grudgingly backing down. It’ll likely raise its head again in a few months as this seems to be the way it goes.

AIBU for expecting them to follow our wishes or am I getting too bothered about it?

I'm a grandparent and I think it's your child and they should fit in with your wishes. You sounds fairly flexible about treats so I can't see why they can't go along with it.

everyone saying it's "Only" one day a week, have you missed the part where OP's own mother would also like to treat her DGS but doesn't because she respects OPs wishes.
Would it still be okay if she said fuck it and did the same? That could be six chocolate bars, 2 x sugary cereal and 4 times cakes over less than 48 hours.
Perhaps OP and her DH would also like to treat their DS occasionally. Even for one 'bad' day rather than having to enforce healthy eating constantly to counteract all the treats he gets at nanny and grandads.
Plus he probably goes to a birthday party or something most weekends - usually full of sugary treats, again it's hard to say no if all the other kids are having them.
Suddenly that's 4 days out of every 7 he's eating absolute crap.
Why are the grandparents the only ones allowed to show their love by "spoiling" him with food?
Not to mention the lying/making DS out to be a liar which is the more disturbing part.

People on here go completely over the top with their resentment of their own parents not wanting or being able to provide childcare to the extent they ignore any reasonable objections by posters who are luckier than them.

For me it's the bigger picture. It's not the giving sugar, it's the lack of respect for your boundaries from your child, and the lying. Sorry but I'd they lie about how they care for your child what else could they lie about? Also situations like this can be dangerous for the child because it leads to "don't tell your mum" and makes the child believe secrets are ok, which opens them up to abuse.
Frankly, anyone who can't respect my parenting choices doesn't get to look after my child.

YANBU.

The massive amount of science behind the importance of having a healthy nutritional intake is overwhelming. Ultra-processed food make people sick, either in the short-term, long term or both. Mentally and physically.

I’d feel unhappy if I was in your position too OP. You have my sympathies.

I think you need to be grateful that your PIL look after your DS and love to spoil him.
My dad died suddenly at the age of 66, our DD was 3 1/2. I wish he was here to spoil our DD. She’s 10 now and I really hate that she has missed out on having a relationship with her grandad. You never know how/when circumstances will change. Grandparents aren’t around forever, they aren’t hurting your child so stop causing disagreements and souring the relationship. They sound like pretty amazing grandparents to me and your DS will have lovely memories of them when they aren’t here anymore.

No one has to read all 26 pages. OP has posted several posts including saying she does pay for childcare, she pays the grandparents, and that her child has stomach issues that they’re trying to sort out, yet many posters keep repeating she should be grateful for free childcare or pay for her own.

I really really wish that Mumsnet would make the facility to just read the OP 's posts far more obvious, intuitive, and the same on all phones, the apps, and browsers.
There could be a heading that appears automatically after, say, 100 posts or two OP updates, that reminds me arrivals to the thread that they can do that.

It drives me mad on threads like this when SO many posters attack the OP for something that she has stated simply isn't the case. And which they'd know if they just checked for updates before going off on their rant.

Had this with my MIL. Her other grandchildren eat anything they want when they want (when at hers or at home). She also has a pretty bad relationship with food

Both my kids have snacks no problem but with her it’s the quantity. One night last week she had them for half a hour. Told her just to give them the cake that’s on the side and she then gave them a chocolate bar straight afterwards. Followed by a 2 year old on a sugar high and a 5 year old who wanted biscuits for his supper but I said no because the amount of sugar

this has been a constant battle with her as she would feed my 5 year old a huge amount of food after me telling her not too because at one point when he was snacking he wasn’t eating any meals

my mum will buy them a McDonald’s and they get an ice cream when we’re out with my dad but it’s always in moderation (because they would just eat and eat constantly). But I never had to have any conversation with either of my parents about the amount of food they were feeding my kids but I think after my MIL being so used to no rules with her other grandkids she didn’t like that we watch what ours eat

it got to the point where I would pack a packed lunch on the rare time she had them but she just stopped giving her what I packed 🙈

luckily for us after a looonnnggg history (including not changing nappies when they’d pooed and not putting sun cream on) she doesn’t have them anymore so I don’t have this problem anymore, but even when we used her it wasn’t very regular because she was a bit flaky in the first place 😂

YANBU OP & I feel like there are a lot of grandparents on this post that are saying YABU! FILs attitude sounds horrendous (I feel your pain with this one) & sounds like they don’t respect your parenting one bit. The toddler years are crucial for setting standards with food & treats etc & they (the GPS) can “show their love” through other ways!

No. Some grandparents know the difference between occasional treats and being downright stupid

Oh, how many more times ffs...

I disagree.

I see a lot of posters who wish their parents bothered at all.

Wonder how they'd feel if they were in the same position

You sound a pain in the arse.
Pick your battles or pay for childcare.

There are a number of GPs that would disagree

There's a difference between a treat and over-indulging

There is no need for the latter

Followed by a 2 year old on a sugar high

There is no such thing as a sugar high @Mamatolittlemonsters (and all the other posters who've referred to them). It's an old wives tale that has been disproved by more than twenty peer-reviewed scientific studies.

A sugar high might not exist, but a two year old screeching for sweets does.

They should follow your rules. Look for another childcarer.

I do feel your pain OP. I have foreign in-laws who have very different ideas about what is and isn’t healthy. My FIL is a medical dr and has type 2 diabetes and lies saying - I’m allowed to eat this X and this Y (when diabetes uk website says very different). I’m in the same situation where my parents follow the rules and my in laws absolutely do NOT.
my dads parents were not in our lives so we only had one set of grandparents. They spoilt us rotten- endless chocolate, biscuits, fizzy drinks ect (it was the 90s) we would even eat bowls of squirty cream a few times a day! My grandparents were both dead before I was 18. I have the best memories of being with them and being spoilt.
i keep my mouth begrudgingly shut with my in-laws as at least they want to know unlike my paternal grandparents.

These are all excellent points. It's about trust.

Your son has been looked after by grandparents more in his 4.5 years than my 9.5 daughter! It’s hard not to feel envious. We just don’t have the support offered that you do. Instead we had to buy loads in nursery fees and I would have loved her to have that family time. Hopefully as he gets older he can start saying no to too many snacks. The time will fly, honestly!

I think you sound very reasonable, I'm surprised by all the comments and the vote. You haven't said no treats at all, just don't regularly go overboard - sounds fair to me.

You are being unreasonable. You should let them enjoy their time guilt free it’s only once a week, and you should also give your mum some freedom too. Grandparents are a blessing

I find it very interesting that you see food as either good or bad. I honestly think that labelling some foods as “bad” or “naughty” or whatever will lead to a child coveting them and trying to obtain them all the time. Conversely, healthy foods will be seen as punishment, endlessly to be chewed through until “bad day” arrives and the desirable foods are served.

I was given sweet stuff in moderation as a child so I ascribed no label to it and I’ve done the same with my own family who are all adventurous eaters and none of whom have developed unhealthy eating habits. I had anorexia (not because I was overweight, it was a mental illness) and so I feel very protective towards children who might go down the same miserable path if they are taught to ascribe good or bad labels to foodstuffs.

It will decrease now he can talk and 'tell on them' anyway, so wouldn't worry OP.

This is one day a week, feels like you are projecting which is understandable with your history.

Stop micro-managing. He is loved and spoilt, which is what grandparents do.

Why not take it as a given he's spoiled on those days and adjust accordingly.

This post really annoys me because I had no help at all with looking after my 3 children .
I wouldn’t have expected my parents or my in laws to help regularly but occasionally would have been nice like maybe even once or twice a year .
If your child is coming home after a visit to grandparents and being ill because of the amount of sugar and junk food he’s given ..then I’d have an issue for sure .
Otherwise be glad of the help !