Grandparents pleasing themselves

[WanderingScotty]

My MIL and FIL look after DS once a week and occasionally at the weekend and have done since he was 1 (now 4.5). (They used to look after him twice a week but we already reduced this because of this issue).

MIL and FIL are fantastic with DS in many ways - he loves spending time with them and they love having him. He’s very lucky to have them.

We have always had some “ground rules” for when they look after him - e.g watch sugar intake, limit screen time etc. It’s not strict, essentially everything in moderation and we just ask them to keep us informed so we can adapt as needed.

MIL and FIL would admit themselves they are not the healthiest of eaters and have no desire to change this. This has caused confusion in the past where they’ve given DS something they think is healthy but we wouldn’t think is (e.g ultra processed, low calorie). FIL also doesn’t take well to being told what to do and can sometimes be a bully (which I admit gets my back up and makes it hard for me to back down). MIL is very unconfrontational and will go along with anything even if she disagrees to avoid an argument (but will make subtle comments so we know if she doesn’t agree).

FIL wants free rein to do what he wishes with DS when they look after him. He wants to spoil DS as that’s “his right as a grandparent”. Mainly this is give him sweets, chocolate, ice cream etc, buy him any toy DS wants etc. Whilst we understand this to a degree FIL looks after DS too often to spoil him as much as he wants to. My mum also looks after DS and it’s not fair on her if she follows what we ask when she too would like to spoil him more. More importantly, this isn’t fair on DS as he gets confused or upset when there isn’t a consistent approach and takes sugar crashes after eating too much sugar.

DS is getting older and is able to understand and verbalise more. This afternoon, he came home and told us he had 3 chocolate treats which they hadn’t told us about. We asked them and they denied this. DS insisted he was telling the truth so we questioned them more.

FIL got defensive asking if we’d been quizzing DS after they’d left - we did but only after DS initially told us. This has led to a heated discussion tonight as FIL says he should be able to do what he wants, he’s raised 2 boys who turned out fine, DS is only with them one day, we’re imagining the sugar crashes etc. He also thinks we should trust them and not question them (despite saying he doesn’t want to go along with what we’re asking).

We have outlined the reasons we’re asking them to follow our rules. Ultimately he’s our son but we have them there because it’s what we think is best for him. MIL is agreeable but FIL is grudgingly backing down. It’ll likely raise its head again in a few months as this seems to be the way it goes.

AIBU for expecting them to follow our wishes or am I getting too bothered about it?

Thank you for all the comments. I do see PIL point of view so it’s helpful to hear others views on this and putting some perspective on one day isn’t going to ruin his diet.

I had an eating disorder in my teens so food (and control of it) still remains a difficult area for me.

Just to add, DS has stomach issues which are under investigation with GP. Tomorrow he is getting bloods taken. We think it’s dairy related but not sure and we are keeping a watch on what he’s eating to understand any links.

He does seem to be he easily affected by sugar and the crash makes him very emotional.

I’m not talking one little piece of chocolate or a biscuit, I’m talking 3 x chocolate bars on top of other snacks, a sugar loaded lunch etc.

He often doesn’t eat his evening meal when he comes home from them as he’d been snacking so much.

We didn’t interrogate him. He simply said he’d had lots of chocolates today. MIL was in earshot and denied this. DS became upset that she was saying he wasn’t telling the truth. He brought it up again later at the table (after they’d left) and we asked him what he’d had so we could establish what was actually going on. We then just asked them if he was telling the truth as we thought he could be exaggerating.

MIL is obese and has a number of weight related health issues. A number of other family members including another grandchild who we watched them feed copious amounts of sweet treats to are extremely overweight.

if I’m completely honest, this does affect how I feel about them feeding him. They have a very bad relationship with food and I don’t want this being passed to him. I don’t have the same concerns with my mum who I know gives him sugary treats but it’s also balanced meals otherwise.

But, like others have said, I value their relationship more.

I do pay them for helping out although this isn’t a financial thing and don’t have a problem putting DS to nursery for the additional day. I want DS to have time with his grandparents.

Thank you for putting some perspective on this. x

Thank you for putting some perspective on this. x

Thank you. This help put some perspective things for me.

It is more than a few chocolate biscuits and they probably would feed him McDonald’s every time if we didn’t set some guidelines.

But you’re completely right that they’re doing it to show their love. And hopefully one day isn’t going to have any major effect.

This

I am a grandmother and think that healthy eating is really important. Normally I defend grandparents from fussy parents but it is unkind and harmful to create a love for junk food in a child

I’m sorry for your loss. Thanks for sharing - it’s giving me some perspective. x

It's always helps in understanding when people share more of the context. Of course it is an emotional trigger for you if you had an ED yourself. Watching people eat without any checks and balances can be really hard.
Overeating and being obese can be disordered eating too of course. A lot of people who are obese feel shame about it and being called out on how much food/ how healthy can be very painful.
It sounds like everybody in the situation is doing the best they can at the moment with whatever they are carrying. And it definitely sounds like everybody really loves your son and are trying to bestow that love on him in different ways.
I hope you get some answers soon about his intolerances. It is dairy so often of course. Maybe you will have to compromise and let them smuggle some of those yummy plant based icecreams and chocolates going these days. And you all get what you need to feel safe and loved. He is a lucky boy!

You could always look after your own child if you want it done properly. I agree about the sugar but you’re taking free childcare off them all the time.

I’m in the minority but this would be a deal breaker for me. They don’t respect your wishes, and think they know better than you with your own child. Send the children to nursery and visit grandparents when you’re there to supervise.

My DM is the same, completely oblivious or in denial about her crap parenting of me as a child and the damage it caused. No chance she will be imposing that all over again on my child.

You think this is bad, wait until your DC go to school and swap the contents of your healthy lunch for biscuits or bin the lot because they want to get back to the football game that lunch is interrupting.

I think you're getting a hard time here OP. Why is everyone ignoring the fact that the grandparents are lying about what goes on at their home, and gaslighting the child by telling him what he said isn't true? It's ironic that OP is being labelled controlling but this behaviour is apparently acceptable.

And yes you do need to know what your child has eaten in the day, what if he comes home and asks for another chocolate bar?

I'd be suspicious of anyone who wouldn't be open about what they had done with my child. They do sound like otherwise loving grandparents though which is great, but should be open about anything you have asked them and should be viewing you all as on the same team in wanting what's best for the child

I'd give my right arm for this situation.

We NEVER have offers of help from grandparents. Ever.

Sounds like you're being reasonable and sensible OP, but this is Mumsnet AIBU so don't take the hostile posts too seriously.

This. I decided the same. My DS has wonderful relationships with his grandparents and wider family as they were left to develop organically and not micromanaged.

Before long he'll be able to buy his own sweets. You need to chill a little.

Nutrition is incredibly important, a good gut biome is proven to affect physical and mental health. And he's your kid. They're wrong, of course. You're right of course.

But they won't stop, so your choice is to disallow unsupervised visits or put up with it.

If you accept free child care-which is no small thing-you cannot expect to micromanage how it's done.

This, pretty much.

Hopefully your son will continue to love real, healthy food despite his irresponsible grandparents.

As a grandparent who struggles not to give my grandchildren some chocolate any day they are with me I am greatly encouraged by Mumsnet's response here. I also have a 4 yr old who will happily tell parents that they "Just watched TV at grandma's today" forgetting all the other stuff we did.

I had an eating disorder in my teens so food (and control of it) still remains a difficult area for me.

Then you will be aware that you are likely to pass on your fucked up attitudes towards food onto the next generation in your care.

I agree it is unwise to fill a small child, or anyone, with chocolate and sugary treats, but getting so tense about it around the boy is not helpful.

I think the OP is being controlling but why is it so hard not to give chocolate, our parents give their grand children treats as do we but it does not be every time it is not that hard not too

If it is that much of an issue then yes there is a problem

The OP sounds utterly insufferable to be honest
Poor in-laws

Another person who thinks you are being ridiculous. If you want to impose strict rules then get someone else to look after your child.

You're being ridiculous. Sorry

You sound over anxious and intolerable. Give your head a wobble!

You said FIL doesn’t like to be TOLD what to do . Well I don’t think anyone likes being told what to do . Then you say you get your back up with him and then you two clash . I certainly wouldn’t want to be dictated too and having to tell you every little thing i give him . Ridiculous, it’s one day a week . Stop also putting your son in an awkward position. Stop questioning him . You are going to ruin their relationship.