Grandparents pleasing themselves

[WanderingScotty]

My MIL and FIL look after DS once a week and occasionally at the weekend and have done since he was 1 (now 4.5). (They used to look after him twice a week but we already reduced this because of this issue).

MIL and FIL are fantastic with DS in many ways - he loves spending time with them and they love having him. He’s very lucky to have them.

We have always had some “ground rules” for when they look after him - e.g watch sugar intake, limit screen time etc. It’s not strict, essentially everything in moderation and we just ask them to keep us informed so we can adapt as needed.

MIL and FIL would admit themselves they are not the healthiest of eaters and have no desire to change this. This has caused confusion in the past where they’ve given DS something they think is healthy but we wouldn’t think is (e.g ultra processed, low calorie). FIL also doesn’t take well to being told what to do and can sometimes be a bully (which I admit gets my back up and makes it hard for me to back down). MIL is very unconfrontational and will go along with anything even if she disagrees to avoid an argument (but will make subtle comments so we know if she doesn’t agree).

FIL wants free rein to do what he wishes with DS when they look after him. He wants to spoil DS as that’s “his right as a grandparent”. Mainly this is give him sweets, chocolate, ice cream etc, buy him any toy DS wants etc. Whilst we understand this to a degree FIL looks after DS too often to spoil him as much as he wants to. My mum also looks after DS and it’s not fair on her if she follows what we ask when she too would like to spoil him more. More importantly, this isn’t fair on DS as he gets confused or upset when there isn’t a consistent approach and takes sugar crashes after eating too much sugar.

DS is getting older and is able to understand and verbalise more. This afternoon, he came home and told us he had 3 chocolate treats which they hadn’t told us about. We asked them and they denied this. DS insisted he was telling the truth so we questioned them more.

FIL got defensive asking if we’d been quizzing DS after they’d left - we did but only after DS initially told us. This has led to a heated discussion tonight as FIL says he should be able to do what he wants, he’s raised 2 boys who turned out fine, DS is only with them one day, we’re imagining the sugar crashes etc. He also thinks we should trust them and not question them (despite saying he doesn’t want to go along with what we’re asking).

We have outlined the reasons we’re asking them to follow our rules. Ultimately he’s our son but we have them there because it’s what we think is best for him. MIL is agreeable but FIL is grudgingly backing down. It’ll likely raise its head again in a few months as this seems to be the way it goes.

AIBU for expecting them to follow our wishes or am I getting too bothered about it?

Being grateful apparently means youre not allowed to make a perfectly reasonable request to grandparents about your own child, apparently.

And because some random mumsnetters don't have as much support, that means something...? I'm not sure what, though. None of us should complain about anything, ever, because some people think they have it worse?

Not forgetting that the grandparents aren't slaves. They see their grandchild because they want to. Hard for some to believe. It's not some great plight.

If your child is coming home after a visit to grandparents and being ill because of the amount of sugar and junk food he’s given ..then I’d have an issue for sure .
Otherwise be glad of the help !

Read all of OP’s posts then! She literally says that he has been having stomach issues that they are trying to sort, child is having bloods done hence the reason they have asked the grandparents to tell them what they are feeding them. She also said that her DH and her can afford to pay for another day of childcare but wanted to keep a relationship with these grandparents who she also pays.

It is not OP’s fault, you and others on this thread don’t have any support. We don’t have support either other than the grandparents visiting three times a year and it doesn’t bother me that others have support, especially for situations like the OP.

I had no help with my children either-my parents were dead and MIL had early Alzheimer’s but I honestly don’t understand the attitude that you should be grateful and shut up whatever they do. GPS can show love and spoil their GC by doing fun things and being confidantes as well as giving the odd sweet thing-like a child would have at home. It’s not loving to be obstreperous and stuff the child with crap irrespective of the parents’ wishes. Lots of posts telling the OP she’s going to spoil the relationship-it’s the GPs who are spoiling it.

Completely agree it’s proper weird. Based on that no one could complain about their DM because mine died young. But that’s obviously ridiculous isn’t it?

I know, I just can't understand it🤷‍♀️

I'd be surprised at the pile on but this is AIBU. Why does the grandparents' wanting to be the child's favourites trump the child's health or the parents' boundaries? We all know grandparents like to give treats & it curries favour, but it's got to be in some moderation surely? Also, OP says she does give them money for helping, so this isn't free childcare, and even it it was, free childcare does not equal do whatever you want with the child - they are not a toy to be played with. These are grown adults who should be able to control themselves & learn other ways to show love than shoving sugar & junk food down the boy every time they see him. This could potentially have a long term impact on his attitudes to food & his health, even on just one day a week, as it's building bad habits. I'm not surprised with OP previously having an ED that she is even more conscious of this and wanting to help set him up for a healthy life. I'd move him to nursery and just see them for fun as a family.

Totally agree with this. It isn't a zero sum game - just because some grandparents spend more time with their grandchildren than is the case for some posters doesn't mean the OP has no right to be annoyed that her PIL won't listen to her about her child.

The grandparents want to see the child and spend time with them, the parents want the child to have a relationship with the grandparents, which is nice but pretty normal. That in itself doesn't have to mean the grandparents are doing a massive favour or that they can just feed the child what anyone with any sense or knowledge of food can see is unhealthy and excessive.

It sounds to me as if the OP's FIL is deliberately going against her wishes and is on some weird power trip. I also don't think it's that unusual.

My PIL when they were alive wanted to have my dcs one day a week which was nice for them all (but not necessary childcare wise). They similarly used excessive sugary food as treats and I found it hard to broach the subject until one of my dcs (then 5 years old) had severe stomach issues (vomiting and diarrhoea) after too many chips followed by a full easter egg (with chocolate bars) and ice cream. I just asked the ILs if they could keep treats to one thing a visit and despite huffing and puffing from my MIL they more or less did, although she pointedly said in front of me 'mummy is a bit mean isn't she, not letting your granny give you nice treats' and would try to sneak them bags of sweets and tell them not to tell me. We didn't fall out, but I felt a bit sad and the dcs were confused about the whole thing.

They're both dead now, and we all miss them terribly, but not the manipulation and power play over food

I have to tell you op when I was a child we didn't get treats if we did they were mega rare, when I was an adult and started getting my own money I would absolutely binge on utter rubbish, so please find a balance that's healthy.

This. On the day my mum has my kids, she's in charge.

Exactly- sounds like the grandfather intentionally does it to annoy. Totally out of order. I am with you 100% OP.

I am in the minority too . While I think you have to cut the grandparents a bit of slack and allow a little flexibility I am not sure why they would want to go against your wishes . I provide childcare for my GC . They don't eat chocolate or sweets and very little processed food . While I am sure a little chocolate one day a week wouldn't harm them I respect their parents decision. They don't miss it and I treat them in other ways .

Not always

I did get treats - way too many

And I still binge

Either way isn't healthy

Due to my family immigrating when we were small children, we had very limited time with our grandparents.

Let your child have memories

This right here! The conflict between you and MIL and FIL is now and will impact your son far more negatively more than any treat ever could! Your desire to control their behavior and interactions with your son is far more damaging than a cookie or candy ever could be. You are raising your son. He clearly knows what your rules, expectations and dietary restrictions are. He does not need to abide by the same rules with grandparents, teachers, cousins, aunts, friends or anyone else at all for your rules to still be the guiding principles in his life. You just seem young and not at all confident in your own parenting (pretty normal with new parents of one young child - I am not insulting you, just stating a fact of new parenting) to be so insistent upon other people having to follow "your rules" when interacting with your son. Please, please for the sake of the relationship with your son and his grandparents stop interrogating him about treats, tv time or anything else you disapprove of his grandparents doing. You are making him feel guilty and like he had done something wrong by simply being with them and loving them. For your child's sake please try to put aside your own insecurities, focus on the beauty of the relationship he has with them and how that relationship will only last a short time longer (generally much, much shorter than your relationship with him will be) due to their age. My own dad died last week. He was a very, very difficult and angry man as a father BUT every one of his grandchildren and great-grandchildren adored him. He was the best grandfather and spoiled the hell out of each one of them. They each know who their parents are and what the rules were growing up and that those rules didn't apply with Grandpa and Grandma. It didn't spoil them, they basked in the love they felt from them. You don't need to control the interactions of your MIL and FIL with your child to retain your primary role as your child's parent. Try to relax and just let them love and spoil him and let him have that loved feeling forever. It will last even when they are gone.

You see, I don't think you ARE unreasonable, because ultimately, you've compromised and said OK, try to keep it moderate but let us know what sweets / choc he's had. Amd they didn't. That's a betrayal of trust right there, and I'd be concerned about PIL asking DC to keep treat consumption as a secret just between them. (Amd the dangerous precedent of asking children to keep secrets from their parents).

Very unfair post. Yes, grandparents memories are wonderful, and should be cherished- but ... in this case, the grandfather is being deliberately obtuse and confrontational, and it is not OK. He is goading and being petulant about it- and he has to be told.

@Treesandsheepeverywhere The problem is that it isn't "just once a week". It's stupid amounts all day every week. Then OP might want to have an ice cream with their child occasionally, or other GM night want to bake a cake, and then there's birthday parties etc. It sounds like OP would be fine with moderation, but PIL won't do that.

I think you missed my point. The problem isn't really about grandfather or mom being inflexible or obtuse. Of course, obviously they both are or this post wouldn't exist. The problem is that the child is the victim of their battle. Child is being interrogated after visits and make to feel like he is doing something wrong simply by loving his grandparents and accepting treats from them or watching tv at their home. Child is being used as ammunition in a "battle" between mom and her parents against her in laws. The problem is the way the adults are behaving. The treats are an irrelevant tool here. It's fine for mom to advocate for herself without making the child feel guilty or that he has done anything wrong. He hasn't and he is being shamed by the after visits interrogations. He is fully aware of the tension he is causing between mom and his grandparents. In his mind they are not "in-laws" they are equal grandparents to him as her parents. I was asking for mom to see the situation through her child's eyes and see the bigger picture.

Yes, OK I can see that. However, saying to OP 'relax and let them spoil him' - puts all the blame on her for wanting her sensible requests to be respected. Loving a child does not mean stuffing him with sweets and unhealthy foods, or plastic toys. As the mother, she is entitled to be respected, and her wishes. Takes give and take, and at the moment, grandpa is just being goading and a control freak, and not showing respect.

..without making the child feel guilty or that he has done anything wrong. He hasn't and he is being shamed by the after visits interrogations. He is fully aware of the tension he is causing between mom and his grandparents.

This is what I implied in a previous post. The child must be aware of the tension in the air when he comes back from the GP's, and it is so unfair to him. I wonder if this aspect is being considered by both parties as much as it should be.

I'm not a fan of chocolate and junk food being "treats". Fine some chocolate and crisps but not loads of it every visit. Find more imaginative ways to show affection. Luckily all adults looking after our children/ stepchildren were sensible about food. We didn't have grandparents providing childcare though so we were usually visiting them too.

Jesus. You sound like a massive headache. I think I would be telling you to look after your own child because you can't have your cake and eat it.

You sound so very entitled.

Pay for childcare if you're that bothered. Ultimately look at how their own children turned out as adults and you'll see they turned out fine, as they have pointed out to you.

Stop being such a naysayer because you're gonna cause unhealthy food relationships with your son and his food, he will be a sneaky eater, he will have self esteem issues and worry about what he eats when he's older. You will be the cause of this. Nip your own behaviour in the bud.

You can always take your son on long walks and to fun activities. So long as he's getting the right amount of physical activity in his life, he will be fine.

The OP has already said she does pay her PIL.
Just because their kids turned out fine doesn't mean they fed them the same food.
Also, in general it's a stupid argument that people who are still alive must have had good childhoods or good childhood diets - haven't you heard of progress?