Grandparents pleasing themselves

[WanderingScotty]

My MIL and FIL look after DS once a week and occasionally at the weekend and have done since he was 1 (now 4.5). (They used to look after him twice a week but we already reduced this because of this issue).

MIL and FIL are fantastic with DS in many ways - he loves spending time with them and they love having him. He’s very lucky to have them.

We have always had some “ground rules” for when they look after him - e.g watch sugar intake, limit screen time etc. It’s not strict, essentially everything in moderation and we just ask them to keep us informed so we can adapt as needed.

MIL and FIL would admit themselves they are not the healthiest of eaters and have no desire to change this. This has caused confusion in the past where they’ve given DS something they think is healthy but we wouldn’t think is (e.g ultra processed, low calorie). FIL also doesn’t take well to being told what to do and can sometimes be a bully (which I admit gets my back up and makes it hard for me to back down). MIL is very unconfrontational and will go along with anything even if she disagrees to avoid an argument (but will make subtle comments so we know if she doesn’t agree).

FIL wants free rein to do what he wishes with DS when they look after him. He wants to spoil DS as that’s “his right as a grandparent”. Mainly this is give him sweets, chocolate, ice cream etc, buy him any toy DS wants etc. Whilst we understand this to a degree FIL looks after DS too often to spoil him as much as he wants to. My mum also looks after DS and it’s not fair on her if she follows what we ask when she too would like to spoil him more. More importantly, this isn’t fair on DS as he gets confused or upset when there isn’t a consistent approach and takes sugar crashes after eating too much sugar.

DS is getting older and is able to understand and verbalise more. This afternoon, he came home and told us he had 3 chocolate treats which they hadn’t told us about. We asked them and they denied this. DS insisted he was telling the truth so we questioned them more.

FIL got defensive asking if we’d been quizzing DS after they’d left - we did but only after DS initially told us. This has led to a heated discussion tonight as FIL says he should be able to do what he wants, he’s raised 2 boys who turned out fine, DS is only with them one day, we’re imagining the sugar crashes etc. He also thinks we should trust them and not question them (despite saying he doesn’t want to go along with what we’re asking).

We have outlined the reasons we’re asking them to follow our rules. Ultimately he’s our son but we have them there because it’s what we think is best for him. MIL is agreeable but FIL is grudgingly backing down. It’ll likely raise its head again in a few months as this seems to be the way it goes.

AIBU for expecting them to follow our wishes or am I getting too bothered about it?

I couldn’t let my child go to anyone once a week knowing they were stuffing him full of crap like this. It would be occasional visits only. If they gave him the occasional cigarette or swig of whiskey would be ok because they were well meaning and it’s only once a week?

If I’m being honest I had similar issues when my children were younger I think I was ‘sugar scared’ fed so much about what a terrible mother I’d be if I just let it go. Luckily I kept it to myself and just moaned a bit to my husband.

As they’ve got older I absolutely love the relationship my children have with their grandparents on both sides. They’ve created bonds that will be so precious to them long after our much loved parents are gone.

I can handle the extra sugar they had one day a week.

Honestly, I’d take a step back and just look at the job your boy is bringing them and enjoy that bond getting stronger.

Just to add my children are healthy eaters despite it!

“This militant obsession with monitoring every thing that children eat is very strange and I think causes kids to grow up obsessed with snacks and bad food. Whereas let them have a bit of everything in moderation and they won’t see it as forbidden fruit.”

^
Ive seen this type of comment before, but I’m not sure I wholly agree. I agree an obsessive overly strict approach to food is likely to backfire. However I’m not convinced it’s easy to get kids to eat things in moderation without having some structure/rules around food. So much of the food we eat now is designed, by the producer, to get us eating and drinking more. I don’t know if it’s proved to be addictive but I certainly feel that some is. I think children need help to eat a balanced diet. I also think some children find it easier to eat moderately than others. My son I don’t need to monitor at all, he eats very healthily and will have treats in moderation without issue. However my daughter, who has ADHD seemingly has no stop button. She will eat and eat and eat unless someone steps in and directs her to something more healthy or filling.

This. It’s not the odd bit of chocolate. It’s way way too much sugar. Honestly it feels more like an addict giving someone their drug of choice

I am quite schocked at all the comments telling you to let grandparents do what they want to do.
No wonder there is such an issue with obesity in the UK - seems a co lot of people does not appreciate the impact of unhealthy eating.
It’s your kid, your rules so no - YANBU
If it keeps creating an issue you might be better of though to use a professional childcare.

@WanderingScotty

Could you compromise with grandparents to a certain extant and just say there is a limit how much 🤔 sugar snacks he i

Also maybe if you back it up with visual facts such as showing something for example youtube Internet ect,

One pic speaks thousand words type of things

Is there such thing as healthier comfort food snacks treats that you can show grandparents or create yourselfs and handover them to grandparents next time they are babysitting then?

@littleteapotandcake what a load of rubbish “OP - Relationships with grandparents are the most special, and you are jeopardising it with your controlling behaviour.
Please think about what you are doing to your child. You are spoiling the lovely time he spends with his grandparents.”

The U.K. has a massive obesity crisis, eating three chocolate bars in one day is mad! Maybe if this was a rare visit a few times a year, but this is a weekly serving of crap food that’s bad for op’s child.

My granny looked after me as a child and the rules at granny’s were the same as my mum’s and I had a wonderful bond with her. My lovely memories include granny running me around in her garden in a wheelbarrow, and playing snap etc.

You don’t need to feed a child crap to bond with them. It’s just laziness (and sounds like a power play from a bully pil).

In the gentlest way...

You say your in laws have an unhealthy attitude to food, but don't mention your husband having issues.

You say your mum has a healthy attitude to food but you grew up with an eating disorder.

No need to answer because it's obviously personal and sensitive. But is it possible you are not looking at both sides of the family with clear vision?

At 4.5 he’s off to school in September? I’d suck it up for the sake of 6 more months. You’ll appreciate their help in school holidays. I think this is one of the downsides of free childcare - you aren’t paying so you don’t get to dictate. Sorry!

It depends on what chocolate treats we’re talking. Several (normal, not baby size) chocolate biscuits and three full size chocolate bars in one day would be bad. OTOH, three mini/fun size chocolate bars would probably only add up to one normal bar.

Seems you all have issues round food, and I’m not sure if actually you exaggerated when the feedback didn’t go your way. And it’s just you with food issues. It went from 3 chocolate treats to effectively they fed him 3 mars bars or similar.

personally I think you are the one with food issues, so Id try to calm down , or you will give your kid a disorder, why the heck were you guizzing him on it? Do you know what kind of message you’re sending?

You are getting too bothered about it.

Honestly, the poor grandparents. I expect for two pennies they'd stop looking after him with all this, but they love him, and obviously love spending time with him, so never would.

this, I would hate to be them you and their own child sound an actual nightmare you.are tainting a perfectly happy normal relationship over a few treats that your son enjoys that won't harm him.

do as he pleases? he is doing you a huge favour looking after DS

You sound very controlling/un relaxed

I think the bigger issue here is your f’n’law blatantly saying he is not going to respect your wishes because it means a) one day this might not just be about food and b) the encouragement of your son keeping secrets from you is going to start.
i do think you have been a bit OTT about the food but unfortunately you now have a bigger problem

As an alternative perspective - maybe the reason she is concerned is because her DH grew up with it. I struggle with what my parents feed my kids BECAUSE I grew up with it. I grew up eating the sugar sandwiches- and I see the impact his still has on my diet. I head straight to sugary snacks if stressed, I crave a snack when I watch TV and I have to be mindful of what I eat as my baseline is eating sugar sugar sugar. Also both my parents are obese, my mum very with lots of health issues, disability and mobility issues. That’s not the life I want for my kids.

Not saying you are wrong to question, just pointing out that our negative experiences with food in the past might also be a reason we see the risks from over feeding or constantly having food as a “treat”.

We had this sort of pressure from a parent of one of our grandchildren and in the end we gave up looking after them. We don't need to be given a list of rules every time and quizzed on whether we kept them. Our other grandchildren run happily into our house and love to peek into Grandad's treat drawer. They'll have happy memories of visiting our house long after we're gone. That's what grandparents are for. We're not childminders.

My DM looks after my children (DD1 sporadically now she’s at school but DD2 every day). When they’re with her or my DF, they decide what the kids eat. I know my parents give them treats and that’s fine. They both have my DDs’ best interests at heart and I would only have something to say if I thought my DDs were being neglected or abused.

PIL see DDs less often (distance) but they have looked after them both. MIL asks about feeding the children but that’s because she wants to make sure she gets in food they’ll like and eat.

When DM was recovering from surgery, I had a large range of people looking after DD2. I told them all to do whatever they needed to make their lives easier.

I didn't think sugar crashes were a real thing.

You’re treating the grandparents like servants. If you don’t like the way they’re treating your child then put him in nursery and have supervised visits only.

You gave up looking after your grandchild rather than stop feeding them treats? Or you mean there were other pressures too?

Poor sods. Imagine wanting to spoil their young grandchild.

I hope you see sense before you totally destroy their relationship with your son and they say they'll not bother helping you out anymore.

Look after your own child then.

Sorry you’re getting such predictable, nasty replies- they aren’t helpful and just make the posters look silly imo.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. I think following the parents’ ‘rules’ is really important when looking after grandchildren, and I think it’s wild that so many people seem to think it’s fine that your PILs just ignore yours and do what they want, especially since you are giving them money! It’s not like you’ve thrown down a huge rule book, just asked them not to feed your son too much sugar, especially as you can see how it affects him.

When you say your FIL can be a bully, I wonder if he’s pushing back against your boundaries by giving your son more ‘treats’ simply because he’s one of those ridiculous men who won’t be told what to do by anyone. My dad would absolutely have done this if he was still around, just to show he was ‘in charge’. Maybe if you mention that you’re trying to figure out his stomach issues, they might stop with the constant sweets?

You can swap and have my GP if you want who don’t care about seeing my kids (2-3 times a year when we make an effort)….honestly OP I would kill to have GP this involved and 1 day a week having some chocolate isn’t something to be worked up by imo