Grandparents pleasing themselves

[WanderingScotty]

My MIL and FIL look after DS once a week and occasionally at the weekend and have done since he was 1 (now 4.5). (They used to look after him twice a week but we already reduced this because of this issue).

MIL and FIL are fantastic with DS in many ways - he loves spending time with them and they love having him. He’s very lucky to have them.

We have always had some “ground rules” for when they look after him - e.g watch sugar intake, limit screen time etc. It’s not strict, essentially everything in moderation and we just ask them to keep us informed so we can adapt as needed.

MIL and FIL would admit themselves they are not the healthiest of eaters and have no desire to change this. This has caused confusion in the past where they’ve given DS something they think is healthy but we wouldn’t think is (e.g ultra processed, low calorie). FIL also doesn’t take well to being told what to do and can sometimes be a bully (which I admit gets my back up and makes it hard for me to back down). MIL is very unconfrontational and will go along with anything even if she disagrees to avoid an argument (but will make subtle comments so we know if she doesn’t agree).

FIL wants free rein to do what he wishes with DS when they look after him. He wants to spoil DS as that’s “his right as a grandparent”. Mainly this is give him sweets, chocolate, ice cream etc, buy him any toy DS wants etc. Whilst we understand this to a degree FIL looks after DS too often to spoil him as much as he wants to. My mum also looks after DS and it’s not fair on her if she follows what we ask when she too would like to spoil him more. More importantly, this isn’t fair on DS as he gets confused or upset when there isn’t a consistent approach and takes sugar crashes after eating too much sugar.

DS is getting older and is able to understand and verbalise more. This afternoon, he came home and told us he had 3 chocolate treats which they hadn’t told us about. We asked them and they denied this. DS insisted he was telling the truth so we questioned them more.

FIL got defensive asking if we’d been quizzing DS after they’d left - we did but only after DS initially told us. This has led to a heated discussion tonight as FIL says he should be able to do what he wants, he’s raised 2 boys who turned out fine, DS is only with them one day, we’re imagining the sugar crashes etc. He also thinks we should trust them and not question them (despite saying he doesn’t want to go along with what we’re asking).

We have outlined the reasons we’re asking them to follow our rules. Ultimately he’s our son but we have them there because it’s what we think is best for him. MIL is agreeable but FIL is grudgingly backing down. It’ll likely raise its head again in a few months as this seems to be the way it goes.

AIBU for expecting them to follow our wishes or am I getting too bothered about it?

Are you paying them market rate for childcare and providing all the food you approve of? The yes, you’re being reasonable.

Otherwise no.

I’d rather my kid be fed by someone who gives them a bit too much chocolate than someone whose attitude to food is, by their own admission, actively affected by an eating disorder. Why have you mentioned GP investigations in a subsequent post -can you clarify whether the issue is in fact that they’re feeding your DS chocolate despite a suspected dairy allergy? And if so why on earth is that a subsequently added detail rather than the crux of the post? Or is it an unrelated problem and if so why mention it? Because no GP is giving a young kid blood tests because his granny feeds him too many sweets once a week.

It sounds like you're suffering from anxiety and are v controlling, your very lucky if this is one of your only problems in life.

I think I’m clearly in the minority here but I don’t actually think you’re being that unreasonable. It’s one thing to allow them a bit of unhealthy food, it’s another to push lots of sugary treats in them all day. Not sure if you meant three chocolates or three chocolate type treats. My MIL for example would think nothing of giving out three year old a whole chocolate donut, plus then some chocolate biscuits and a hot chocolate to wash it down or a bowl of coco pops as a snack. It’s just too much.

I get what you’re saying about your mum too, if she wants to spoilt your DC in the same way then that’s at least two days a week when they’re aren’t eating good. And then what if you want to treat them in your days with them too?

The toys bit I would let go. My mum drives me mad with how many toys she’s buys but the are far worse problems to have.

The food would annoy me though, kids just don’t need that much sugar and it can impact on them hugely in terms of their behaviour (our eldest DS gets huge sugar highs and then crashes) but also obviously their teeth and dental health.

What does your DH think?

I do think you should obviously be extremely grateful they’re involved and want to help but surely they can do that and treat your DC in other ways while still respecting how you parent and your DC’s health. I can see I’m very much in the minority though!

My MIL is constantly fetching snacks for DD and packing her little “treats”. Coming from a disinterested/abusive family I’m really fucking grateful for all the love DD gets lavished on her by my in-laws. I would let this one go.

Just reading your follow up posts, I do think YABU to judge them for being obese and their own diet. I am obese but still more than capable of providing a healthy and balanced diet to DC (and in term trying to improve my own diet though without much success currently). I would be mortified if someone judged my parenting ability or ability to look after other’s children based on my weight and diet.

I can actually speak with some knowledge on this.
My grandparents raised me during the summers because my family worked.
I ate fried chicken, mashed potatoes, pot roast, meatloaf, burgers, sandwiches with white bread and other such food. And, of course, lots of vegetables and fruit because we were farmers.
There wasn’t a day that went by that we didn’t have pie or cake or cookies.
We ate pancakes and bacon and eggs and sometimes waffles for breakfast.
My grandpa lived until he was 89. My Nana lived until she was 94, my mum too.
And I’m over 65 and just got an A+ from my GP on my yearly checkup.
Your boy will be fine, @WanderingScotty. If I survived my childhood of fried foods and chocolate cake, he’ll grow up to be healthy and happy too.

Discuss the food intake but allow them to treat DS.
Point out that you don't want DS to get Diabetes or hugely over weight nor do you want his teeth to be bathed in sugar and turned rotten or his skin to grow skin cancers.

I think there should be a happy medium for the one day per week that your FIL and MIL kindly look after your child.

IDEAS..
Explain to them about teeth care, Diabetes risk, damage to acceptance of healthy food and need for consistency.
Pack a lunch box with purely healthy food as a base.
Pack a drink bottle of water, a hat and sunscreen.
Each day with them they can treat child to TWO of the following

• one lolly item
• one milk drink
• one ice-cream
• one crisps
• one very small toy

Insist on NO soft drinks or fruit juice, hat on and sunscreen when out side, NO dried fruit and no lying.

Discuss that the best thing they can do is to read, cook, play, teach them games, songs, skills, teach them about nature and animals and life when they were small. That your children love their company not only what food they treat them.

If your PIL can not keep reasonable rules and are found to lie and become disrepectful of modern healthy living and can not understand that children can have life long illnesses to do with poor diet. then do not allow the grandparents to be your regular child carers.

Oh - and I’m 5’4” and I weigh 115lbs, or 8 stone.

Great advice. A totally normal way to behave which is likely to be very well received.

Grandparents ought to try to follow parental guidelines. Occasional lapses re chocolate, toys, etc are normal, but it sounds as though your PIL are challenging your beliefs which isn't supportive. A good idea to focus on the positive, eg as above, games, songs, skills, for which you can give them positive feedback.

It teachers your day that ultimately if you are a bully, then you can do what you like and not follow the rules and possibly lie and keep secrets

fil is requested by his parents not to do stuff

next time ds is given chocolate FIL is likely to tell your dad not to tell his parents

it’s a dangerous path to go down and a very difficult place for a child to be put in

the chocolate might well be petty, it’s all the other surrounding actions

As it's one day a week I'd probably be a bit more lenient it's not really fair to control what happens with them. If he does have a dairy allergy things like chocolate will have to go.

But if it feels too much you would probably need to drop the day and just do visits where you supervise.

I agree with this. I also think that your previous issues with food are still, clearly, a bit of an issue as I think you’re projecting a bit into your son - you should be careful of that. IMO if he is coming to tell you this at his age he’s already developing an issue - he’s clearly understood you’re not happy and, actually, that can be quite damaging.

FWIW - my grandparents used to give me chocolate pudding for breakfast whenever I stayed them (even if I stayed for a month during school holidays)! By about eight I realised I didn’t want it and ever since have been literally the picture of health (iron man etc). Just cos a child porks a bit when they’re young doesn’t mean they’ll grow up to be the next person taking up two seats on your plane.

I am sure that they would be responding differently in that situation @NoOrdinaryMorning
(including me, a besotted Grandma).

BUT the grandparents wouldn't give their beloved Grandchild something that they knew their DGC were allergic to, or had an intolerance of. Therefore, I really don't see the relevance of your question?

I’m the spoiling auntie type (but they live too far away for my to do regular childcare, I have on occasion helped out a few times by myself or with DM to do childcare) but I’d accept this.

The only thing I would say is just brush his teeth well. My DNephew has had fillings on his baby teeth in the past year but he’s inherited his DM’s weak and chalky teeth and his DF used to treat him to an ice cream every day after school, not now though and his teeth brushing has improved! My sweet treats weren’t often at all or as much though!

This

I am someone that’s interested in eating healthily too but don’t think one day a week matters. Being spoiled by grandparents is a blessing and the memories for your child will be treasured after they have long gone. The remaining 6 days when your child has non processed stuff will still count and the healthy gut microbiome developed.

You probably have professional support already for the eating disorder, which must have been incredibly challenging. I would perhaps also check in with them for support for yourself as well, in relation to how it may affect parenting.
All the best. You sound like a very caring mum who wants to do the right thing.

This. Choose your battles.

Of course they would and I'm sure the GPS wouldn't feed them food that could potentially kill them.

I am a gm. It really annoys me when people say grandparents are for treats, spoiling etc. Why? If they are seriously thinking about the child they should do what's best for him not indulge their own fantasy about what a gp is. I decided from day one that gd wouldn't associate our house with rubbish food. Instead we decided she would associate it with fun , games, stories, crafts and being outdoors etc. Lucky enought to be in good health and have space. Can we stop this nonsense about GPS and treats/ toys etc as it's not in the child's best interests. My ds or gds mom never asked me to do this but l just use my own common sense...why do GPS suddenly become silly and do stuff they would not have liked with their own dc. I was practically reared by my GPS during the Summer months and adored them but sat up to a sensible dinner every day and treats never entered the equation but trailing 2 feet behind my gd all day is my fondest memory as he involved me in everything he was doing.
However Op l think you and gd have locked horns now and you will have to back down or choose other child care.

What a stupid post!

I would have ignored the processed stuff one day a week but 3 big mars bars are not good. Poor kid,I can’t eat one in one go.
it’s now a battle of wills between you and FIL.
Surely DS is off to school soon.

You’re being too controlling and you know you are. If you don’t like it, pay for childcare where they’re more likely to follow your ‘guidelines’.

It’s the consequences of free childcare. If you don’t like it go pay for childcare. Simple.