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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparents pleasing themselves

699 replies

WanderingScotty · 07/02/2024 00:01

My MIL and FIL look after DS once a week and occasionally at the weekend and have done since he was 1 (now 4.5). (They used to look after him twice a week but we already reduced this because of this issue).

MIL and FIL are fantastic with DS in many ways - he loves spending time with them and they love having him. He’s very lucky to have them.

We have always had some “ground rules” for when they look after him - e.g watch sugar intake, limit screen time etc. It’s not strict, essentially everything in moderation and we just ask them to keep us informed so we can adapt as needed.

MIL and FIL would admit themselves they are not the healthiest of eaters and have no desire to change this. This has caused confusion in the past where they’ve given DS something they think is healthy but we wouldn’t think is (e.g ultra processed, low calorie). FIL also doesn’t take well to being told what to do and can sometimes be a bully (which I admit gets my back up and makes it hard for me to back down). MIL is very unconfrontational and will go along with anything even if she disagrees to avoid an argument (but will make subtle comments so we know if she doesn’t agree).

FIL wants free rein to do what he wishes with DS when they look after him. He wants to spoil DS as that’s “his right as a grandparent”. Mainly this is give him sweets, chocolate, ice cream etc, buy him any toy DS wants etc. Whilst we understand this to a degree FIL looks after DS too often to spoil him as much as he wants to. My mum also looks after DS and it’s not fair on her if she follows what we ask when she too would like to spoil him more. More importantly, this isn’t fair on DS as he gets confused or upset when there isn’t a consistent approach and takes sugar crashes after eating too much sugar.

DS is getting older and is able to understand and verbalise more. This afternoon, he came home and told us he had 3 chocolate treats which they hadn’t told us about. We asked them and they denied this. DS insisted he was telling the truth so we questioned them more.

FIL got defensive asking if we’d been quizzing DS after they’d left - we did but only after DS initially told us. This has led to a heated discussion tonight as FIL says he should be able to do what he wants, he’s raised 2 boys who turned out fine, DS is only with them one day, we’re imagining the sugar crashes etc. He also thinks we should trust them and not question them (despite saying he doesn’t want to go along with what we’re asking).

We have outlined the reasons we’re asking them to follow our rules. Ultimately he’s our son but we have them there because it’s what we think is best for him. MIL is agreeable but FIL is grudgingly backing down. It’ll likely raise its head again in a few months as this seems to be the way it goes.

AIBU for expecting them to follow our wishes or am I getting too bothered about it?

OP posts:
NoOrdinaryMorning · 07/02/2024 00:40

I wonder if everyone would be responding differently if OP's child had a serious allergy or intolerance!

Aquamarine1029 · 07/02/2024 00:41

You sound like a insufferable, ungrateful pain in the arse. If your child had diabetes or allergies, that would be one thing. But he doesn't, and it's one fucking day a week and all you do is give your in-laws constant grief about absolutely nothing. Honestly, get a grip and applogise to them for being so fucking ridiculous.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 07/02/2024 00:41

NoOrdinaryMorning · 07/02/2024 00:39

YANBU I'm 100% with you OP. Just because they're giving you 'free childcare' doesn't mean they can do whatever they like and make your child sick.
I'd put him in nursery instead OP.

Ok, maybe they should charge her then.

Theyre giving up their time to look after her child. And she’s dictating to them over really small things.

Why can’t they do what they want? They’re doing it for free as a favour. And she’s spitting in their face.

ZiriForGood · 07/02/2024 00:42

YANBU

If they can't enjoy the child without feeding him three chocolates and lying about it, it is rather sad.

Unfortunately, bully will remain bully.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/02/2024 00:42

NoOrdinaryMorning · 07/02/2024 00:40

I wonder if everyone would be responding differently if OP's child had a serious allergy or intolerance!

But they don't, so what's your point?

Dartmoorcheffy · 07/02/2024 00:42

NoOrdinaryMorning · 07/02/2024 00:40

I wonder if everyone would be responding differently if OP's child had a serious allergy or intolerance!

But he hasn't or that would be completely different

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 07/02/2024 00:43

ZiriForGood · 07/02/2024 00:42

YANBU

If they can't enjoy the child without feeding him three chocolates and lying about it, it is rather sad.

Unfortunately, bully will remain bully.

😂😂

Bully?! When they’re giving up they’re time to do it.

MiaGee · 07/02/2024 00:44

NoOrdinaryMorning · 07/02/2024 00:40

I wonder if everyone would be responding differently if OP's child had a serious allergy or intolerance!

Well that would be a completely different story wouldn't it, obviously.

hothotheatbag · 07/02/2024 00:45

I really praying my son's marry or have children with laid back women who allow me to spoil my own grandkids without lists and rules and more rules.

Or that they have a say in all of this nonsense, it's just crazy, he's has 3 sweet or 3 chocolates and you are quizzing him?

What message are you giving him there?

NoOrdinaryMorning · 07/02/2024 00:47

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow It's not really small things though is it? The FIL is giving the child so much junk it could and probably will, make him sick! It's on a frequent basis and could affect his relationship with food for the rest of his life. I had similar done to me as a child and it has permanently damaged my relationship with food and seriously affected my health. I also have a child who eats the same thing every single day due to additional needs. Sees a dietician etc and it has forced me to look intensely at what crap is in food.

theduchessofspork · 07/02/2024 00:49

You are being too bothered about it

A crappy diet one day out of seven isn’t the end of the world. It’s more important he has a good relationship with his grandparents

Also, free childcare = their house, their rules (unless unsafe obvs)

sandyhappypeople · 07/02/2024 00:49

I think the way you're going on at them about it your FIL will purposely give your son more sugar to prove a point, you'd have been better off not making an issue of it, you say they didn't tell you about the chocolate treats, does that mean you ask them when you pick him up what they've given him?

If you're teaching him good eating habits at home, just calm down, he's happy, he's healthy, he loves being with them, grilling him when he gets home and making him tattle on his grandparents is awful for everyone concerned, especially him, he'll start lying at some point so he doesn't get them into trouble, is that what you want?

theduchessofspork · 07/02/2024 00:50

NoOrdinaryMorning · 07/02/2024 00:40

I wonder if everyone would be responding differently if OP's child had a serious allergy or intolerance!

Well yes they would, obviously. But he doesn’t.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 07/02/2024 00:50

NoOrdinaryMorning · 07/02/2024 00:47

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow It's not really small things though is it? The FIL is giving the child so much junk it could and probably will, make him sick! It's on a frequent basis and could affect his relationship with food for the rest of his life. I had similar done to me as a child and it has permanently damaged my relationship with food and seriously affected my health. I also have a child who eats the same thing every single day due to additional needs. Sees a dietician etc and it has forced me to look intensely at what crap is in food.

It is! If there’s any food issues here it’s making such a fuss about 3 chocolate treats.

My dc grew up in early 2000. They ate sweets, watched screens. They’re fine.

I find it hard to believe that a couple of sweeties each time you saw your grandparents set up an eating disorder for life.

Minihippyme89 · 07/02/2024 00:54

My dad used to have my twins every Saturday overnight, they were spoiled rotten in every way. They are healthy happy children. He died 2 years ago, I’d give my eye teeth to be in your position.

WandaWonder · 07/02/2024 00:58

OP you say 'we' but it really 'we' or you have decided?

Achillo · 07/02/2024 00:59

I remember hearing once that there are always people who wish they had your problems. This is definitely one of those times.

I wish my kids had grandparents interested enough to spend time with my kids. Who bought them treats and toys. Who minded them while I work. Who I had to worry were 'spoiling' them.

They sound so wonderfully kind and fun. And you even have a grandparent on the other side who cares too. I hope you don't mess up these family relationships with a sense of superiority, judgmentalism and lack of gratitude. They deserve a lot better than that. I would be spoiling them in return to say thanks.

Growlybear83 · 07/02/2024 01:00

Aquamarine1029 · 07/02/2024 00:41

You sound like a insufferable, ungrateful pain in the arse. If your child had diabetes or allergies, that would be one thing. But he doesn't, and it's one fucking day a week and all you do is give your in-laws constant grief about absolutely nothing. Honestly, get a grip and applogise to them for being so fucking ridiculous.

Perfectly put!

Doormatnomore · 07/02/2024 01:03

Also you’re putting a lot of weight on accuracy of a 4 1/2 year old. It could have been 1 chocolate bar broken into 3 bits. It could have been 3 brown things (toast, beef and chocolate), it could have been a memory from a week ago or something else.
my ds told his granny’s friend she gave him a bottle of wine at lunch - no idea where that came from, pretty sure it would be obvious if the 3 year old had had a bottle of wine.
my nephew told his mum he had lunch with a police man at my house - new s to me.

it seems very frought, maybe you can’t see the wood for the trees.

Snugglemonkey · 07/02/2024 01:11

Back off. This is the price of free childcare, but also this is what grandparents do in my eyes. Why are you fighting over nonsense?

Snugglemonkey · 07/02/2024 01:16

NoOrdinaryMorning · 07/02/2024 00:40

I wonder if everyone would be responding differently if OP's child had a serious allergy or intolerance!

Of course. But he does not. He is a child being given small treats. I have had a seriously allergic child. I do not stop fun ffs.

Ohhhthedrama · 07/02/2024 01:19

This is why grandparents should be just that & not child care. Grandparents are for fun, treats, staying up late watching too much TV, and ice cream for breakfast. Either go with it for one day a week or use childcare. Grandparents aren't around forever. Let your kid & the grandparents enjoy each other.

ConsuelaHammock · 07/02/2024 01:22

You don’t get to dictate the rules if you’re accepting free childcare. It’s only day a week. Just let it go!

GreekGod · 07/02/2024 01:23

Pick your battles - they sound like normal grandparents to me. I was never a fan of my in-laws (both treated me terribly in the early years) but kids adored them growing up when they looked after them. Your in laws sound a lot like mine were. And yes, they gave them a lot of sugar but the kids are normal healthy teenagers now. I was going to say, go easy on your mum as well. If she wants to spoil your son, let her do it. It takes away their enjoyment if the rules are too rigid and the kids enjoyment too. Relax. We are not here for that long.

Cactuslove · 07/02/2024 01:28

I don't understand why your child would be confused or why it's unfair to your mum. He's 4.5. He knows when he goes to dads parents he gets lots of treats. So what? My kids walk into my parents house and ask for the biscuits immediately. I think sometimes it's best not to know. On all other days he's eating what you want him to. Honestly I think this feels like a big issue but in the future I think you and your husband will regret getting too fretful about it. Just appreciate the close relationship he has with his grandparents and remember he's loved and not in danger.