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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparents pleasing themselves

699 replies

WanderingScotty · 07/02/2024 00:01

My MIL and FIL look after DS once a week and occasionally at the weekend and have done since he was 1 (now 4.5). (They used to look after him twice a week but we already reduced this because of this issue).

MIL and FIL are fantastic with DS in many ways - he loves spending time with them and they love having him. He’s very lucky to have them.

We have always had some “ground rules” for when they look after him - e.g watch sugar intake, limit screen time etc. It’s not strict, essentially everything in moderation and we just ask them to keep us informed so we can adapt as needed.

MIL and FIL would admit themselves they are not the healthiest of eaters and have no desire to change this. This has caused confusion in the past where they’ve given DS something they think is healthy but we wouldn’t think is (e.g ultra processed, low calorie). FIL also doesn’t take well to being told what to do and can sometimes be a bully (which I admit gets my back up and makes it hard for me to back down). MIL is very unconfrontational and will go along with anything even if she disagrees to avoid an argument (but will make subtle comments so we know if she doesn’t agree).

FIL wants free rein to do what he wishes with DS when they look after him. He wants to spoil DS as that’s “his right as a grandparent”. Mainly this is give him sweets, chocolate, ice cream etc, buy him any toy DS wants etc. Whilst we understand this to a degree FIL looks after DS too often to spoil him as much as he wants to. My mum also looks after DS and it’s not fair on her if she follows what we ask when she too would like to spoil him more. More importantly, this isn’t fair on DS as he gets confused or upset when there isn’t a consistent approach and takes sugar crashes after eating too much sugar.

DS is getting older and is able to understand and verbalise more. This afternoon, he came home and told us he had 3 chocolate treats which they hadn’t told us about. We asked them and they denied this. DS insisted he was telling the truth so we questioned them more.

FIL got defensive asking if we’d been quizzing DS after they’d left - we did but only after DS initially told us. This has led to a heated discussion tonight as FIL says he should be able to do what he wants, he’s raised 2 boys who turned out fine, DS is only with them one day, we’re imagining the sugar crashes etc. He also thinks we should trust them and not question them (despite saying he doesn’t want to go along with what we’re asking).

We have outlined the reasons we’re asking them to follow our rules. Ultimately he’s our son but we have them there because it’s what we think is best for him. MIL is agreeable but FIL is grudgingly backing down. It’ll likely raise its head again in a few months as this seems to be the way it goes.

AIBU for expecting them to follow our wishes or am I getting too bothered about it?

OP posts:
Blogswife · 07/02/2024 17:14

As a GP who provides free childcare I’d say either pay for your childcare and you can call the shots or suck it up , stop complaining and accept the massive favour that they’re doing you !!

Ifhappylittlebluebirdsfly222 · 07/02/2024 17:15

The only thing that would really bother me is the constantly wanting to buy toys as I'm a bit of a minimalist and wouldn't want loads of plastic crap coming into my home all year round.

The extra chocolate once a week is something I could cope with if my child had an otherwise healthy diet and was safe and happy with his grandparents. My parents give my child sweets and I've only asked "please not too close to bedtimes/mealtimes"

phoenixrosehere · 07/02/2024 17:18

Blogswife · 07/02/2024 17:14

As a GP who provides free childcare I’d say either pay for your childcare and you can call the shots or suck it up , stop complaining and accept the massive favour that they’re doing you !!

She already pays the grandparents and for nursery.

Lighrbulbmo · 07/02/2024 17:20

You sound like an absolute nightmare.
I would like to hear the in-laws version.
stop micro managing adults that assumably you trust otherwise you would access childcare. Which btw it sounds like you should do to avoid all niggles and pettiness.

Christmasnutcracker · 07/02/2024 17:25

phoenixrosehere · 07/02/2024 17:18

She already pays the grandparents and for nursery.

Show quote history

It would be interesting to know if the grandparents are all paid the same daily rate as nursery.

I know a family whose grandmother looked after their child five days a week and they ‘paid’ her £50 a week while complaining the grandmother used too many expensive nappies while looking after the child. Apparently there was no need to change the child more than three times a day for any reason.

Boomboom22 · 07/02/2024 17:33

You have major issues with food. You just compared them giving him chocolate to them letting him smoke.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 07/02/2024 17:43

Boomboom22 · 07/02/2024 17:33

You have major issues with food. You just compared them giving him chocolate to them letting him smoke.

Still not as bad as comparing it to a war crime!

maddiemookins16mum · 07/02/2024 17:48

Honestly?? One day you may be a Grandparent, it’s a totally different relationship, let him enjoy his time with them and stop fretting. Believe me that in 10 years (or less) he’ll barely grunt a hello to them.

He’s loved and cared for, it really doesn’t matter in the greatest scheme of things if he has a cake and packet of buttons in the same day.

daliesque · 07/02/2024 18:32

*Discuss the food intake but allow them to treat DS.
Point out that you don't want DS to get Diabetes or hugely over weight nor do you want his teeth to be bathed in sugar and turned rotten or his skin to grow skin cancers.

I think there should be a happy medium for the one day per week that your FIL and MIL kindly look after your child.

IDEAS..
Explain to them about teeth care, Diabetes risk, damage to acceptance of healthy food and need for consistency.
Pack a lunch box with purely healthy food as a base.
Pack a drink bottle of water, a hat and sunscreen.
Each day with them they can treat child to TWO of the following

• one lolly item
• one milk drink
• one ice-cream
• one crisps
• one very small toy

Insist on NO soft drinks or fruit juice, hat on and sunscreen when out side, NO dried fruit and no lying.

Discuss that the best thing they can do is to read, cook, play, teach them games, songs, skills, teach them about nature and animals and life when they were small. That your children love their company not only what food they treat them.

If your PIL can not keep reasonable rules and are found to lie and become disrepectful of modern healthy living and can not understand that children can have life long illnesses to do with poor diet. then do not allow the grandparents to be your regular child carers*

This is hilarious. I don't even have children but if someone was that patronising, condescending and controlling then I'd tell them to fuck off and not look after their kids at all. And this is grandparents who managed to raise children who, presumably, are fit and healthy.

Merrymouse · 07/02/2024 19:02

maddiemookins16mum · 07/02/2024 17:48

Honestly?? One day you may be a Grandparent, it’s a totally different relationship, let him enjoy his time with them and stop fretting. Believe me that in 10 years (or less) he’ll barely grunt a hello to them.

He’s loved and cared for, it really doesn’t matter in the greatest scheme of things if he has a cake and packet of buttons in the same day.

I don’t think it’s a different relationship if you have an agreement to provide childcare once a week. In those circumstances you need to either take on the responsibilities of a parent or agree that childcare needs to be found elsewhere.

Calliopespa · 07/02/2024 19:06

To be honest OP lots of people have given views which I hope has been helpful, but I still remain a bit unsure as to how dire the spoiling situation really is. If I read your first post, to be honest it sounds a bit of an overreaction on your part to the fact they do not want to be micromanaged.

It’s only in the second post that we learn that the three chocolate “ treats” were in fact bars ( ie not Maltesers or even a freddo). It strikes me as odd that if you were worried about the volumes you didn’t clarify that until later ie; until after a string of responses to say you were being a bit clenchy. It also then came out about your eating disorder ( as if you justify your intensity) and also MIL’s obesity as if to cement their lack of judgment- and then a cousin, just to confirm the ability to hand it on even when not full time parenting them. I feel that had it been my post, I might have started with that info, rather than the emphasis on not following your instructions. Now we suddenly hear that actually it isn’t you who is bothered so much, it’s more DH who is wound up about it.

Ultinately it’s entirely up to you what you post, what is drip fed etc; but I guess what I’m really saying is you sound lucky to have a warm, involved family environment for DC and you will know deep down if you are honest what it is really bothering you. Are they feeding him masses of junk at a level that his cousin was also treated? Are you actually fearfully alert to weight issues and if so do you think it is at a level that is ultimately better for DC’s all-round well-being than letting it go a bit? And finally do you feel that maybe it’s fundamentally their apparent disobedience that irks you more than anything?

It may very well be they are feeding three large bars of chocolate to DC on a weekly basis as well as other junk in which case I think you do have some concerns that require attention. But I have just been left with these vague niggles and doubts that perhaps you are not giving the situation an entirely honest airing. It seemed to be cascading somewhat to sonething more convincingly worrying. You don’t need to respond to that; but I mention it simply because I would urge you to be honest with yourself around it so you don’t unnecessarily disrupt an otherwise lovely set-up for your little boy.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 07/02/2024 19:07

daliesque · 07/02/2024 18:32

*Discuss the food intake but allow them to treat DS.
Point out that you don't want DS to get Diabetes or hugely over weight nor do you want his teeth to be bathed in sugar and turned rotten or his skin to grow skin cancers.

I think there should be a happy medium for the one day per week that your FIL and MIL kindly look after your child.

IDEAS..
Explain to them about teeth care, Diabetes risk, damage to acceptance of healthy food and need for consistency.
Pack a lunch box with purely healthy food as a base.
Pack a drink bottle of water, a hat and sunscreen.
Each day with them they can treat child to TWO of the following

• one lolly item
• one milk drink
• one ice-cream
• one crisps
• one very small toy

Insist on NO soft drinks or fruit juice, hat on and sunscreen when out side, NO dried fruit and no lying.

Discuss that the best thing they can do is to read, cook, play, teach them games, songs, skills, teach them about nature and animals and life when they were small. That your children love their company not only what food they treat them.

If your PIL can not keep reasonable rules and are found to lie and become disrepectful of modern healthy living and can not understand that children can have life long illnesses to do with poor diet. then do not allow the grandparents to be your regular child carers*

This is hilarious. I don't even have children but if someone was that patronising, condescending and controlling then I'd tell them to fuck off and not look after their kids at all. And this is grandparents who managed to raise children who, presumably, are fit and healthy.

Yeah right. So would l. I was brought up on sugar and condensed milk sandwiches with Angel Delight

I’m still here with no diabetes.

Merrymouse · 07/02/2024 19:07

daliesque · 07/02/2024 18:32

*Discuss the food intake but allow them to treat DS.
Point out that you don't want DS to get Diabetes or hugely over weight nor do you want his teeth to be bathed in sugar and turned rotten or his skin to grow skin cancers.

I think there should be a happy medium for the one day per week that your FIL and MIL kindly look after your child.

IDEAS..
Explain to them about teeth care, Diabetes risk, damage to acceptance of healthy food and need for consistency.
Pack a lunch box with purely healthy food as a base.
Pack a drink bottle of water, a hat and sunscreen.
Each day with them they can treat child to TWO of the following

• one lolly item
• one milk drink
• one ice-cream
• one crisps
• one very small toy

Insist on NO soft drinks or fruit juice, hat on and sunscreen when out side, NO dried fruit and no lying.

Discuss that the best thing they can do is to read, cook, play, teach them games, songs, skills, teach them about nature and animals and life when they were small. That your children love their company not only what food they treat them.

If your PIL can not keep reasonable rules and are found to lie and become disrepectful of modern healthy living and can not understand that children can have life long illnesses to do with poor diet. then do not allow the grandparents to be your regular child carers*

This is hilarious. I don't even have children but if someone was that patronising, condescending and controlling then I'd tell them to fuck off and not look after their kids at all. And this is grandparents who managed to raise children who, presumably, are fit and healthy.

If your argument is that you aren’t going to act like a parent, you can’t then claim that your own parenting is relevant.

Ensuite · 07/02/2024 19:07

This is ridiculous and you should back down & loosen up, it’s one day a week with his grandparents and soon he will be at school. Let grandparents and your son enjoy it!

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 07/02/2024 19:27

*Discuss the food intake but allow them to treat DS.
Point out that you don't want DS to get Diabetes or hugely over weight nor do you want his teeth to be bathed in sugar and turned rotten or his skin to grow skin cancers.

I think there should be a happy medium for the one day per week that your FIL and MIL kindly look after your child.

IDEAS..
Explain to them about teeth care, Diabetes risk, damage to acceptance of healthy food and need for consistency.
Pack a lunch box with purely healthy food as a base.
Pack a drink bottle of water, a hat and sunscreen.
Each day with them they can treat child to TWO of the following

• one lolly item
• one milk drink
• one ice-cream
• one crisps
• one very small toy

Insist on NO soft drinks or fruit juice, hat on and sunscreen when out side, NO dried fruit and no lying.

Discuss that the best thing they can do is to read, cook, play, teach them games, songs, skills, teach them about nature and animals and life when they were small. That your children love their company not only what food they treat them.

If your PIL can not keep reasonable rules and are found to lie and become disrepectful of modern healthy living and can not understand that children can have life long illnesses to do with poor diet. then do not allow the grandparents to be your regular child carers*

This sounds so joyless. I have adult dc. If they told me this l’d🖕🏼

Why would l be less knowledgeable about diabetes or ‘healthy eating’ because l’m older?

Wait until you have teens. They mainline sugar and you’ve got fuck all control about it.

And as for ‘Discuss the best things they can do is read etc…..’ 😂Wtf do you think grandparents do? Take them to the local crack den? So fucking patronising.

Marchitectmummy · 07/02/2024 19:32

You've given your view, they've presented theirs. Really that's all you csn do. If you feel strongly enough then perhaps childcare from mil etc is not the solution for you and paying a nursery will suit better. If you pay you get a little more say.

Calliopespa · 07/02/2024 19:43

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 07/02/2024 19:27

*Discuss the food intake but allow them to treat DS.
Point out that you don't want DS to get Diabetes or hugely over weight nor do you want his teeth to be bathed in sugar and turned rotten or his skin to grow skin cancers.

I think there should be a happy medium for the one day per week that your FIL and MIL kindly look after your child.

IDEAS..
Explain to them about teeth care, Diabetes risk, damage to acceptance of healthy food and need for consistency.
Pack a lunch box with purely healthy food as a base.
Pack a drink bottle of water, a hat and sunscreen.
Each day with them they can treat child to TWO of the following

• one lolly item
• one milk drink
• one ice-cream
• one crisps
• one very small toy

Insist on NO soft drinks or fruit juice, hat on and sunscreen when out side, NO dried fruit and no lying.

Discuss that the best thing they can do is to read, cook, play, teach them games, songs, skills, teach them about nature and animals and life when they were small. That your children love their company not only what food they treat them.

If your PIL can not keep reasonable rules and are found to lie and become disrepectful of modern healthy living and can not understand that children can have life long illnesses to do with poor diet. then do not allow the grandparents to be your regular child carers*

This sounds so joyless. I have adult dc. If they told me this l’d🖕🏼

Why would l be less knowledgeable about diabetes or ‘healthy eating’ because l’m older?

Wait until you have teens. They mainline sugar and you’ve got fuck all control about it.

And as for ‘Discuss the best things they can do is read etc…..’ 😂Wtf do you think grandparents do? Take them to the local crack den? So fucking patronising.

Edited

This is an unforgivable thread derail but can I ask if there is a story behind your username?

startostar · 07/02/2024 19:45

My son has no grandparents , never knew either set , both passed away before he was born . I loved my grandparents and like a lot of people have great memories of time spent with them .
You are arguing about 3 treats of chocolate !!! Seriously !! You and your family are so lucky to have these wonderful people as part of your family !
Cherish them 😍

Friendlyfishfinger · 07/02/2024 19:48

startostar · 07/02/2024 19:45

My son has no grandparents , never knew either set , both passed away before he was born . I loved my grandparents and like a lot of people have great memories of time spent with them .
You are arguing about 3 treats of chocolate !!! Seriously !! You and your family are so lucky to have these wonderful people as part of your family !
Cherish them 😍

“You’re not allowed to be unhappy with something that is a bit shit because other people are worse off…”

Well meant I’m sure, but really, really unhelpful.

InShockHusbandLeaving · 07/02/2024 19:48

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 07/02/2024 19:27

*Discuss the food intake but allow them to treat DS.
Point out that you don't want DS to get Diabetes or hugely over weight nor do you want his teeth to be bathed in sugar and turned rotten or his skin to grow skin cancers.

I think there should be a happy medium for the one day per week that your FIL and MIL kindly look after your child.

IDEAS..
Explain to them about teeth care, Diabetes risk, damage to acceptance of healthy food and need for consistency.
Pack a lunch box with purely healthy food as a base.
Pack a drink bottle of water, a hat and sunscreen.
Each day with them they can treat child to TWO of the following

• one lolly item
• one milk drink
• one ice-cream
• one crisps
• one very small toy

Insist on NO soft drinks or fruit juice, hat on and sunscreen when out side, NO dried fruit and no lying.

Discuss that the best thing they can do is to read, cook, play, teach them games, songs, skills, teach them about nature and animals and life when they were small. That your children love their company not only what food they treat them.

If your PIL can not keep reasonable rules and are found to lie and become disrepectful of modern healthy living and can not understand that children can have life long illnesses to do with poor diet. then do not allow the grandparents to be your regular child carers*

This sounds so joyless. I have adult dc. If they told me this l’d🖕🏼

Why would l be less knowledgeable about diabetes or ‘healthy eating’ because l’m older?

Wait until you have teens. They mainline sugar and you’ve got fuck all control about it.

And as for ‘Discuss the best things they can do is read etc…..’ 😂Wtf do you think grandparents do? Take them to the local crack den? So fucking patronising.

Edited

I think the type of people who condescend like this are the ones who are still young enough to believe they know everything 😆 Don’t worry, they’ll grow out of it and realise that even they aren’t perfect specimens of humanity.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 07/02/2024 19:51

@Calliopespa

Its an old northern saying. If something is unlikely happen ‘I’ll show my arse in the Co op window’ if it does.

So for example should the health service ever function effectively again ‘I’ll show my arse etc..’

Should a Trans-Pennine Express train ever appear ‘I’ll show my arse….. etc’

Glad you like it😁 I think it’s a northern expression.

Calliopespa · 07/02/2024 19:54

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 07/02/2024 19:51

@Calliopespa

Its an old northern saying. If something is unlikely happen ‘I’ll show my arse in the Co op window’ if it does.

So for example should the health service ever function effectively again ‘I’ll show my arse etc..’

Should a Trans-Pennine Express train ever appear ‘I’ll show my arse….. etc’

Glad you like it😁 I think it’s a northern expression.

Oh thank you.

I was kind of hoping you had done it - or at least seen one.

OrlandointheWilderness · 07/02/2024 19:55

Being so controlling and quizzing you DC on what he has eaten is far more likely to cause issues with food than a day at week being spoiled by his GPs.

Chouquettes · 07/02/2024 20:05

Mine were spoilt by both sets of grand parents including sweets and chocolate, they have lovely memories and have turned out fine !

HauntedPencil · 07/02/2024 20:11

Sorry agreeing with the ridiculous/controlling posts. I think it's really sad to reduce the time grandparents have over a bit of chocolate. 🥺