Grandparents pleasing themselves

[WanderingScotty]

My MIL and FIL look after DS once a week and occasionally at the weekend and have done since he was 1 (now 4.5). (They used to look after him twice a week but we already reduced this because of this issue).

MIL and FIL are fantastic with DS in many ways - he loves spending time with them and they love having him. He’s very lucky to have them.

We have always had some “ground rules” for when they look after him - e.g watch sugar intake, limit screen time etc. It’s not strict, essentially everything in moderation and we just ask them to keep us informed so we can adapt as needed.

MIL and FIL would admit themselves they are not the healthiest of eaters and have no desire to change this. This has caused confusion in the past where they’ve given DS something they think is healthy but we wouldn’t think is (e.g ultra processed, low calorie). FIL also doesn’t take well to being told what to do and can sometimes be a bully (which I admit gets my back up and makes it hard for me to back down). MIL is very unconfrontational and will go along with anything even if she disagrees to avoid an argument (but will make subtle comments so we know if she doesn’t agree).

FIL wants free rein to do what he wishes with DS when they look after him. He wants to spoil DS as that’s “his right as a grandparent”. Mainly this is give him sweets, chocolate, ice cream etc, buy him any toy DS wants etc. Whilst we understand this to a degree FIL looks after DS too often to spoil him as much as he wants to. My mum also looks after DS and it’s not fair on her if she follows what we ask when she too would like to spoil him more. More importantly, this isn’t fair on DS as he gets confused or upset when there isn’t a consistent approach and takes sugar crashes after eating too much sugar.

DS is getting older and is able to understand and verbalise more. This afternoon, he came home and told us he had 3 chocolate treats which they hadn’t told us about. We asked them and they denied this. DS insisted he was telling the truth so we questioned them more.

FIL got defensive asking if we’d been quizzing DS after they’d left - we did but only after DS initially told us. This has led to a heated discussion tonight as FIL says he should be able to do what he wants, he’s raised 2 boys who turned out fine, DS is only with them one day, we’re imagining the sugar crashes etc. He also thinks we should trust them and not question them (despite saying he doesn’t want to go along with what we’re asking).

We have outlined the reasons we’re asking them to follow our rules. Ultimately he’s our son but we have them there because it’s what we think is best for him. MIL is agreeable but FIL is grudgingly backing down. It’ll likely raise its head again in a few months as this seems to be the way it goes.

AIBU for expecting them to follow our wishes or am I getting too bothered about it?

I do feel for you a but because if isn't nice if you feel he is being a bit of a bully. But if he's going over there a few times a week and eating a decent diet generally the food issue honestly would not bother me.

X Have we been told what the 3 bars of chocolate are.

3 Freddos? 3 Maltesers? 3 King size Mars Bars?

Honestly I despair , you do sound a bit batshit

everyone free to give their opinion from each persons own perspective !
I don’t think it’s your place to tell me it’s unhelpful …
Especially as most people responding seem to disagree with the poster !! 😁

Ricky Tomlinson used it in The Royle Family I think. Made me laugh when I read it.

You're being an absolute nightmare PITA. Please, have a grip mate. You seriously need to step back and have a little think about your behaviour here.

This is hilarious. The best thing I've read all day on MN and I've had an incredibly unproductive day and spent a lot of time on here! Even the batshit posts about how hardworking the royals are can't beat this.

Perhaps you should also read it to them....r.e.a.l.l.y. s.l.o.w.l.y......in case they can't comprehend what you are saying. Or better still laminate it for their fridge. Don't forget to remind them that if t.h.e.y. r.e.a.l.l.y. l.o.v.e. him they will give him food from the approved list only.

Being ‘loving’ in this tread is repeatedly equated with piling oneself or others with chocolate, sweets and junk food. Presumably, not doing this/withholding ‘treats’ signifies an absence of love.

In a country where 64% of people are either overweight or obese, this shouldn’t come as a surprise.

But it’s the vitriol towards anyone to daring to question this that is bewildering. Typical AIBU pile on in the first few pages of a thread.

Please. Of course frequent consumption of sugar can cause lasting dental damage. Decay, pain, fillings, tooth extractions and so on. If you’ve seen a child undergo this it’s pretty grim.

This is the kind of pure denialism seen in this thread. In fact in any thread even hinting about moderation of sugar consumption, there is a huge spate of defensiveness from the majority of posters.

I'm a grandparent. I have happy memories of staying with my grandparents in the 70s. Pancakes, sweeties and my happiest memory is that my gran used to buy variety packs of cereal and my brother and I thought it was the most exciting thing ever to be able to choose our little packet of cereal. We never had them at home as they were too expensive. I buy them now for my grandchildren.

Who knows what my mum thought? There is so much ageism on Mumsnet, the older generations couldn't possibly know what is good for a child. But children survive on happiness and being loved and building memories. Food is only one aspect.

At the end of the day OP you have a choice. You don't have to have childcare from the grandparents. But there is also an argument for recognising that it's a good thing for a child to spend time with people who love them.

I remember those boxes of cereal and how exciting it was and yes my grandparents had them too. I think it actually worked out cheaper as with different grandchildren staying you had the one they liked without having to get the big boxes. Those cereals are loaded with sugar . I don’t let my children have those brands but we all did back in the 80’s and guess what: I’m not diabetic, not dead, not even fat! And yes, pancakes too, with buckets of maple syrup. I’m genuinely not convinced those are the factors causing the obesity issues as few of us were. I think it’s sedentary lifestyle and fetish feeding styles .

What a lovely post 😊 I too have very happy memories of my maternal grandmother and they include being taken to restaurants and being allowed to choose anything I wanted, even cream cakes! That was a real thrill because my parents didn’t let me do that. I was also given a weekly comic which I loved and we played games, went shopping, to see shows, cooked together, walked for miles and laughed all the time. My grandmother was kind, practical, self sufficient and let me have nice things. If I’d been prevented from seeing her because she gave me sugary cereal my life would have been much the poorer.

Same grandmother used to bake marshmallow cake with shortbread base then pink fluffy marshmallow sprinkled with coconut and pink sugar crystals. It was heaven. And yep: still didn’t make us fat or dead. But we did play in her garden for hours: chasing and tag, making shops in the bushes, “ creep up” , climbing trees, building huts. Tv was a couple of 20 minute shows each week . No gaming.

My grandmother didn't give us sweets. But she baked constantly so there were always cakes and biscuits. And Instant Whip (butterscotch because it was my favourite).

Grandmas of all generations tend towards making their grandkids happy with food, in my experience. And kids have loved sweetness since their first taste of breast milk.

And not just all generations: it’s most cultures as well. I find something counter-intuitive in the rants about it being wrong to show love through food. It’s moderation not motivation that’s the issue. And movement.

You should really leave work and stay at home with your kid. I pity the people looking after your kids if 3 bita of chocolate need to be sanctioned by you first. Like honestly I thought you were going to say a whole big bar or something. Come on I'd love to have had grandad looking after my kid when he was 3. No harm done.

I just find it depressing. It sucks the joy out of everything. It’s like some sort of food police. No child is going to get rotten teeth or diabetes or become hugely obese from a couple of goodies at grandma’s

Its all gone too far in the other direction. Food is supposed to be fun too.

It’s not ageism to expect family members not to give loads of unhealthy food to young children. The OP has said she’s really happy her children spend time with their grandparents. It’s ageist to think grandparents can’t listen to their daughter in law and work with her to make sure their grandchild is as healthy as possible.

I agree with them. If you want them too lock after him and help then let them manage the childcare fully.

I follow this for my child. They have little time with them so why have their memories unpleasant ones? Life is too short. It is only once a week let them be.

lt’s ageist to think grandparents can’t listen to their daughter in law and work with her to make sure their grandchild is as healthy as possible

Im not sure the odd bar of chocolate is going to stop him being as ‘healthy as possible’ It’s not heroin.

As l said earlier wait until he’s a teen. They live off uncontrolled sugar.

Go and pay for childcare instead.

It's not the odd bar of chocolate and the OP said she wouldn't mind if it was. It's three full bars for a 4 year old!

I thought it was 3 pieces. So it was like 3 full on Mars Bars?

Let them have fun! You don’t get to be a kid for long. Do you have fond memories of eating carrot sticks with your grandparents?

OP still hasn't said what type of bars they were though. People seem to be assuming that they were big blocks of dairy milk. While they might have been little Kinder bars. I've been known to give my DGD a couple of those during a full day of child care (and possibly also a pudding).