Grandparents pleasing themselves

[WanderingScotty]

My MIL and FIL look after DS once a week and occasionally at the weekend and have done since he was 1 (now 4.5). (They used to look after him twice a week but we already reduced this because of this issue).

MIL and FIL are fantastic with DS in many ways - he loves spending time with them and they love having him. He’s very lucky to have them.

We have always had some “ground rules” for when they look after him - e.g watch sugar intake, limit screen time etc. It’s not strict, essentially everything in moderation and we just ask them to keep us informed so we can adapt as needed.

MIL and FIL would admit themselves they are not the healthiest of eaters and have no desire to change this. This has caused confusion in the past where they’ve given DS something they think is healthy but we wouldn’t think is (e.g ultra processed, low calorie). FIL also doesn’t take well to being told what to do and can sometimes be a bully (which I admit gets my back up and makes it hard for me to back down). MIL is very unconfrontational and will go along with anything even if she disagrees to avoid an argument (but will make subtle comments so we know if she doesn’t agree).

FIL wants free rein to do what he wishes with DS when they look after him. He wants to spoil DS as that’s “his right as a grandparent”. Mainly this is give him sweets, chocolate, ice cream etc, buy him any toy DS wants etc. Whilst we understand this to a degree FIL looks after DS too often to spoil him as much as he wants to. My mum also looks after DS and it’s not fair on her if she follows what we ask when she too would like to spoil him more. More importantly, this isn’t fair on DS as he gets confused or upset when there isn’t a consistent approach and takes sugar crashes after eating too much sugar.

DS is getting older and is able to understand and verbalise more. This afternoon, he came home and told us he had 3 chocolate treats which they hadn’t told us about. We asked them and they denied this. DS insisted he was telling the truth so we questioned them more.

FIL got defensive asking if we’d been quizzing DS after they’d left - we did but only after DS initially told us. This has led to a heated discussion tonight as FIL says he should be able to do what he wants, he’s raised 2 boys who turned out fine, DS is only with them one day, we’re imagining the sugar crashes etc. He also thinks we should trust them and not question them (despite saying he doesn’t want to go along with what we’re asking).

We have outlined the reasons we’re asking them to follow our rules. Ultimately he’s our son but we have them there because it’s what we think is best for him. MIL is agreeable but FIL is grudgingly backing down. It’ll likely raise its head again in a few months as this seems to be the way it goes.

AIBU for expecting them to follow our wishes or am I getting too bothered about it?

We are GPS and do give our GC the occasional treat which my DD is not bothered about. It does sound like your PIL are going overboard and given it affects your DS it is quite disrespectful to continue giving lots of sweet things etc after you asked them not to. Ultimately you choose whether their attitude warrants you limiting their access to your DS.

Surely he will be starting school soon so no need for childcare during the week?

Yabu. You are very lucky that your in laws look after your child once a week and sometimes at the weekend too. As long as you feed him healthy the rest of the time when if he's terribly when there it really isn't going to affect him that much. I know you mentioned the other overweight child but I doubt that child is over weight only because of the grand parents.

If your son does turn out to have diary sensitivities though then obviously they shouldn't give him dairy and I would stop them caring for him if they did.

Either you pay for childcare and can dictate exactly what your child is and isn't allowed to eat or you don't pay for childcare, but have loving grandparents looking after them (which is a luxury a lot of us don't have). Also bear in mind that chocolate once or twice a week won't kill them.

My Nan fed me and my brother loads of sweets/chocolates along with nutritious meals, but also spent hours taking us to all of the local parks and playgroups while my parents were working. I'm 51 and still alive, with very fond memories of my Nan. I think my parents were both very grateful for the free childcare

Giving 3 whole chocolate bars to a 4 year old in one day is not right. I'd be annoyed by that too.

I wonder if the difference of opinion is because people just have vastly different perspectives on what is an excessive amount of chocolate and what feel reasonable. I’d consider a couple of kinder bars and a pudding (assuming you mean like ice cream/cake) a bit excessive for one day, unless it was at a party/xmas or something. But as part of a normal regular weekly visit with Nan that just seems a bit much for a small child. Espeacilly if it was every week. Obviously others think that is reasonable though. So just shows how different peoples approach to food is.

I just wonder why so many chocolate bars. Why not a chocolate bar and then some ‘special’ fruit (my kids love a mango or a pineapple or something less usual).

Grand parents are there to have different rules to you and to spoil the grand children. Once a week won't hurt him and I bet he loves his time there, my fondest memories are having a soft grandad who spoiled me rotten. Lighten up.

I missed this too, but OP has updated and they are being paid.

WTF? 🤬

What drivel.

You do realise that grandparents can be as young as 40 , even younger . Even if they are in their 70s you have just posted a ridiculous statement, give your head a wobble.

Let this go. They grandparents. It's what they do. Choose other childcare if you not happy. Yabu and Abit picky.

If you want that level of control then your dc needs to go to a nursery or child minder.

Maybe limit gp time with dc, this way they can spoil him if it's once a month.

My dad would feed my dd ice cream for breakfast, but as he only saw them once every few months I didn't mind (they lived 6hrs away). I was fairly regimented with their eating which is why I liked a formal arrangement with a childminder for all other times.

Umm…??!

Is this because they don’t all sling out buzzwords like narcissistic, gaslighting at the drop of a hat and feed their children ( or claim to feed them 🙄) quinoa?

Seriously the know-it-all attitude of our generation is nauseating.

In many cultures the elderly are revered for wisdom generated by having seen the globe go round the sun a few more times than others . I’d rather leave at least a chink in my attitude for some of that wisdom to have a sporting chance of infiltrating.

I think a lot of Cluster B personality disorders go undiagnosed and they are multiplying 😢

After reading that, I want to send your in in laws some flowers and chocolates (or better still, a bottle of alcohol) because I can't begin to imagine what it's like to have you as a DIL.

Dgs doesn't get sweets here because I never think to buy any but I am a baker and there is usually cake and sometimes cookies on offer here. Dd wouldn't think to try and micromanage his time here (she knows she would get short shrift) she trusts that I will love and care for dgs as I did her and her siblings. I am actually more strict than dd is over everything so she would know that dgs isn't going to get free rein over the cake tin. I don't think it hurts for children to know that different people have different rules at their house, dgs has never struggled knowing that dd and I do things differently and he is always delighted to have a day at Granny's house because he likes that I spend time playing games, doing crafts, baking (he takes his bakes home) and going to the park with him.

Another really insightful post from Calliopespa.

Obviously this is about food (and your feelings around it), OP, but it also seems to be about control - the OP and most of the replies centre on food, but the title of the thread is 'GPs pleasing themselves', nothing about food. And your most recent update describes a polite struggle - a process of trying not to give/to regain ground.

What you've described as 'showing ds it's OK to lie' sounds like the sort of defensive response a lot of people (because they're human and often don't react perfectly in the moment) show when they know they'll be put in the wrong by someone more powerful. And of course you have the power in this (control of access to ds).

Are posters just going to ignore the OP’s posts?

What is the issue of asking grandparents to tell you what they are feeding your child when he is having stomach issues?

What do you do when you send food with your child and the grandparents get upset over it?

You already pay for your child to go to nursery and pay the grandparents.

What do you do when you’re trying to find a middle ground where both parties can be happy but the other side is their way only?

OP, you’re a better person than me. I would have just paid the extra day for nursery than deal with this amount of pushback over the health of your child.

My maternal grandparents would take us to McDonald’s for a treat and my paternal grandparents had biscuits from the jar or slices of cake as treats, but there were always the standard meat, vegetables, carb meals in between for both sides. There was no all day fest of junk for any grandchildren even if we slept-over and we didn’t feel any less loved over it. The only time we had a large amount of treats were holidays like Easter and Christmas, which is like most people. Both grandparents raised the equivalent of 15 children with many grandchildren and none of us grandchildren ever felt deprived.

@phoenixrosehere
What is the issue of asking grandparents to tell you what they are feeding your child when he is having stomach issues?
I tell dd what meal dgs has had or is going to have here largely for convenience so that dd doesn't offer him something similar later on. I might also say if he hadn't eaten much. I don't expect to be grilled on every morsel that passes his lips. He has few treats here as I simply don't buy them and forget to buy them for dgs but if I choose to buy him an ice cream from the van then I don't expect to have to get permission first or tell dd about it afterwards. It's not a big deal to any of us.

What do you do when you send food with your child and the grandparents get upset over it?
I would be offended if dd sent food for dgs. If she doesn't trust me to feed him whilst he is here then she obviously shouldn't be leaving him here would be my thoughts. I've fed dgs here since he was being weaned without issue though dd has never felt the need to send food with him and surprisingly enough he has never gone hungry or been sick because he has stuffed his face full of rubbish.
What do you do when you’re trying to find a middle ground where both parties can be happy but the other side is their way only?
Dd thinks that the more people who love dgs the better. She also knows that not everybody does things exactly the same way (I am more strict than she is) She also doesn't think it hurts for dgs to know that different people have different rules or things that are important to them and as a result dgs is really adaptable and copes fine with spending time with GPs, Aunts, Uncles, family friends who may well do things differently to how things are done at home.

It does require scrutiny given the length of ops posts ……

Taking care of GC means you take care of them. It doesn't mean filling your DC with sugary shite because you think that's what they want.

My mil looked after my first DD a day a week for 9 months and had the same attitude. I'd pick her up at 4 and be told ' she won't need any tea, she's just had a whole tub of icecream.' She took her out without a car seat because that was good enough for her own kids- they hadn't died. She completely ignored what we asked her to do when DD was weaning and made her ill as a consequence.
To this day, I have no idea why she took such pleasure in doing such shitty things. It was deliberate but so unnecessary.
In the end we stopped her having DD because of this, which was a real shame for all of us.

As my mum used to tell me." My house my rules".
Neither of my girls came to any harm in their home. If you want to enforce your rules then look after your child yourself. You obviously don't trust anyone else to do it right.

Honestly a few chocolates isn't going to harm a child and your in laws are very kind looking after your DS on a regular basis. Some parents would be very pleased and grateful to have this support from their in laws.
TBH if I was your MIL I would be insulted on being told how to bring up children in my own home having already done the same successfully years before.😞

For one day a week I think you should chill. Just make sure he cleans his teeth when he gets home!