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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Girls trip abroad - who was in the wrong?

433 replies

Travellinggirly · 05/02/2024 20:35

This happened last year but I’ve realised it has been bothering me ever since and has made me pull back from this particular group of friends so wanted to get some opinions.

So group of Mums went on a trip abroad. This is a longstanding friendship group but one that don’t really see each other that regularly (some individuals see more of each other than others but as a group it’s more special occasions and occasional weekends away).

Anyway on one of the nights there was a big local festival taking place, culminating in a huge fireworks display (think a smaller London NYE set off a bridge to music). Two of the group bailed out early in the evening as felt the streets were getting too busy. Remaining four stayed out and later started to head down to where fireworks were happening. But then as we got nearer some of this group also started making noises about the crowds and wanting to hang back. Decided to go no further. I personally really wanted to see the display as had heard it was meant to be amazing and the spot we had stopped at wasn’t far away from where we needed to be - they had basically stopped at one end of a street and we needed to be the other end but from where we were we couldn’t see the bridge at all.

So I basically said I wanted to carry on so I could see them - no one else wanted to come with me so agreed I would go and they would stay where they were. But then at some point whilst waiting for the fireworks to start I got a message to say it had started to get too busy where they were so they had also headed back to hotel. So basically I was left out alone in a foreign country about half an hours walk from our hotel (probably almost 1am by time I got back).

I think they knew I was upset the next day but I decided not to make an issue out of it and ruin the rest of the trip. The person I was sharing a room with though I did say briefly say to that I was pissed off they left me alone but she basically said it was my decision to stay out.

AIBU to think you don’t leave one friend out on their own in a foreign country and maybe at least one person could have stayed to make sure I got home ok? Or was I being difficult wanting to stay out when clearly no one else did and I should have just left when they did regardless if I wanted to see the fireworks? In my opinion though it would have been such a shame to miss them (and they were amazing). But now I’m left feeling like these aren’t real friends and I’ve started finding excuses to bail out of some of the get togethers. Thanks in advance for any views on this!

OP posts:
mrssunshinexxx · 05/02/2024 20:36

There's no way I'd leave a true friend in that scenario

cansu · 05/02/2024 20:38

Tbh you were a bit unreasonable to expect everyone to hang around waiting for you. I do think though they should instead have messaged you to come back now if you wanted to walk back with them. You at least then had a choice.

Wishicouldthinkofagoodone · 05/02/2024 20:38

You made the decision to go alone. I don’t see much difference to them waiting for you in the street or waiting at the hotel, you’re still out on your own.

if you didn’t want to be out alone you should have stayed with them. It was a shame no one else wanted to stay out with you but that’s their choice too.

InAnotherLifetimeMaybe · 05/02/2024 20:38

You knew how they all felt.....which one did you expect would stay?

That one would have been stood alone (at her end of street) waiting for you

Mumof2NDers · 05/02/2024 20:39

mrssunshinexxx · 05/02/2024 20:36

There's no way I'd leave a true friend in that scenario

Me neither!

Speedweed · 05/02/2024 20:39

I think you were being difficult by splitting off from the group. They told you they were going back, you opted to stay out - you could have messaged and said wait for me, I'll come back with you now. No one needs to stay out to look after you because you are an adult.

Puffykins · 05/02/2024 20:39

You had already left them by deciding to go and watch the fireworks from where you wanted to be - and also you are presumably a grown-up? I don't see an issue in their having decided to go back to the hotel without you.

countvoncount · 05/02/2024 20:40

YABU
Group holiday, majority rules
You decided to stay out?
They should have given you a bit of notice that they were going back to hotel, but you're clearly an adult!
It was last year, let it go

Octonaut4Life · 05/02/2024 20:40

But by saying you would go watch them alone I would interpret that as you saying you're comfortable to be out alone in the country?

Rumplestrumpet · 05/02/2024 20:40

I think once you went on by yourself you were very likely to get separated completely. Even if they'd stayed, huge crowds meant it could have been very difficult to find you later - and how long did you expect them to stay out? I'm guessing it would have been at least an hour to get to the right spot, watch the display and then find them again?

You wanted to watch. They didn't. You decided to go on alone. Once you knew they were leaving you could have called and told them to wait for you - but you chose to watch the display.

I think you need to put it behind you and don't let it ruin the friendships

Original poster
Travellinggirly · 05/02/2024 20:41

It would have been difficult for me to get back out again before the display had started due to the crowds that had built up (I’d found a decent spot nearish the front). By the time I’d seen message they were probably long gone anyway.

OP posts:
Alwaysalwayscold · 05/02/2024 20:41

They had made it clear they felt unsafe and you took it upon yourself to go off alone. I wouldn't remain in a place where I didn't feel safe to wait for someone who clearly felt safe and happy enough to be on her own. YABU.

Katieflake · 05/02/2024 20:41

To be honest you went away from what the rest wanted to do so I think they weren’t being that unreasonable to leave you to it-you probably came across as being confident as you were happy to mix in the bigger crowd and they thought you’d be fine.
It wouldn’t have bothered me if it meant I got to do what I wanted (see the fireworks) but I tend to go with the majority of the group in such situations anyway

BarbaraWoodlouse · 05/02/2024 20:41

I think once you made the decision to leave the group you had effectively signaled that you were OK to be on your own. It seems a bit much to then get upset that they “left you”. Group trips require a compromise and you either go with the majority or go your own way and suck up the consequences (in your case a solo walk home).

Mumof2NDers · 05/02/2024 20:41

cansu · 05/02/2024 20:38

Tbh you were a bit unreasonable to expect everyone to hang around waiting for you. I do think though they should instead have messaged you to come back now if you wanted to walk back with them. You at least then had a choice.

Her friends agreed to stay and wait for her, so IMO they should have waited. Also they messaged to say they were on their way back, they could’ve messaged to say we’re thinking of heading back do you want to come with us.

InAnotherLifetimeMaybe · 05/02/2024 20:41

You would be putting that one friend staying behind, at risk

They would be stood alone waiting for you

Brefugee · 05/02/2024 20:41

personally, i don't like to leave a friend alone. But then i think if the group decides it's too much and one person decides - against our better judgement - to push on alone? i don't feel obliged to put their wants above mine.

Nothing happened, you enjoyed the fireworks. Plan better next time?

Loopytiles · 05/02/2024 20:42

On group things it’s usually U to expect a group of people who share a preference to follow your different preference or inconvenience themselves to facilitate you doing your own thing.

SophiaElizabethGrace · 05/02/2024 20:42

I hate fireworks. If it was cold and I was standing waiting for you then I would've been pissed off. I hate the noise, cold, crowds etc. However I wouldn't have left you on your own.

Did you know the city by that time and would lots of people been walking the same route as you? I've stayed in new cities and after two or three days I've felt comfortable and feel that I know the area/the way to the shops, beach. Would I have felt comfortable at 1am, probably not.

If you don't feel comfortable with them don't go away again.

CaineRaine · 05/02/2024 20:42

I think on a group trip you can’t really unilaterally decide to do something on your own (walk off to see the fireworks) then be annoyed the others in the group don’t want to hang around and wait for you. It would have been nice if they’d told you they were heading back but it was a bit selfish of you to expect them to hang about waiting just for you when they didn’t feel comfortable.

minipie · 05/02/2024 20:42

You deliberately went off on your own. I think it was fair for them to assume you were ok about being on your own 🤷‍♀️

Wallawallawallaby · 05/02/2024 20:42

Mumof2NDers · 05/02/2024 20:39

Me neither!

Show quote history

But equally a friend wouldn’t expect you to hang around somewhere you didn’t want to be and didn’t feel safe, just so they could do what they wanted.

@Travellinggirly I would have called and said I was leaving and that I thought you should come rather than be out alone, but if you hadn’t wanted to leave at that point I would have said well, you’re an adult, you can make your own choice.

Hiddenvoice · 05/02/2024 20:42

I would never leave a friend alone and would have stayed where you all agreed but realistically you made the choice to go further on your own. Everyone else felt uneasy by the sounds of it. Where they were standing could have become very busy and maybe they should have agreed somewhere else to meet you but ultimately you decided to go further alone.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 05/02/2024 20:43

I think when you travel with a group you have to compromise. That compromise might be skipping something you wanted to see or do or do it alone.

I don’t think you get to dictate what others in the group do. Which is what would have happened in your ideal scenario by making someone stay with you.

Would it have been nice if someone offered to stay with you, yes. But it sounds like you were already in a different location than the ones who stayed. So I can see why they left. You weren’t willing to stay with them and they didn’t want to go to the bridge.

seems pretty sad to me that you’d let some fireworks affect a friendship permanently. Hope they really were amazing.

HauntedPencil · 05/02/2024 20:43

I think they should have messaged you and said it's getting too busy, can you come back as we want to leave and leave it with you to know you were out alone at that stage and make your decision