To think this was a pretty shitty comment?

[Sad0tter]

Travelled on Saturday to see a guy I’ve been seeing for a couple of months. We had a really nice weekend. But unfortunately engineering works on the trains which meant my journey home yesterday was 3.5 hours! The train was rammed and I had to sit on my suitcase in a freezing passageway.

he asked if I got on the train ok and I explained the situation and he basically just said ‘yeah that sounds horrible. Good luck!’ And then ‘if you will live so far away that’s just what you have to put up with!’

I just feel totally rubbish I made the effort to visit now. And basically he’s washed his hands of me and was no longer his concern. I’d just never say that to someone who had travelled all that way.

AIBU?

I think he's kinda funny... This is awkward. Lol

Sounds like you have mismatched sense of humors. This will likely not work out unfortunately.

He sounds playful and fun. You seem intense and humourless about this - I’d say either you are just not compatible or you’ve had a sense of humour failure because you’re really upset about something else...

If he’s generally not making effort then perhaps that’s what you’re reacting to? But then elsewhere in this thread you’ve said he’s gone to considerable effort and expense arranging stuff to do with you too? he also seems to send lots of messages, asks how you are and generally seems into you.

But If I was dating someone and it felt a bit one sided I think I’d just say though!? so if this is really what’s going on for you then your failure to just discuss issues is on you and going to end up making you resentful and intense if you can’t just communicate.

I think if I was seeing someone who spiralled whenever I attempt a joke or playful flirtation like this example it would really put me off them.

It’s actually been an interesting thread to me to see how mixed the views are on this. Clearly a personality/compatibility thing.

Weirdly if I had a long train journey I’d MUCH rather a fun playful reply than overly fawning response. It’s not the end of the world having a train delayed OP!? why do you expect him to react like someone has died?

reminds me of a comment an ex of mine made. ‘ I didn’t buy the flowers for you - I bought them for us’

🙄

I feel you OP, me and my partner live a 45 minute car journey apart (not sure about the travel time on public transport as due to health issues i can't use it) and because of MH issues on his end, he can't travel at all if he's not walking there (panic attacks in any kind of vehicle).
So, once a week, my dad drives me to his (i can't drive myself due to health issues) and picks me up the next day. This has been the set up for almost 3 years, and while i completely understand he's physically incapable of coming to me, or even meeting in the middle as he literally cannot leave the little town he lives in (which is truly awful for him) it gets exhausting always being the one doing the travelling.

I am completely in love with him and want to spend the rest of my life with him, and it's just taking time to work things out to live together, and i miss him like crazy when we're apart. But, some weeks i get a feeling of dread about having to do the travelling, and put off going until a later day in the week, and have even felt relief occasionally if my dad has plans and can't take me.

My partner has never been anything but grateful to me for doing the travel to allow us to be together, and to my dad for being willing to facilitate it. If he made a comment like your partner did, it would hurt a lot, and leave a nasty taste.

In your shoes where your partner is able to travel, i'd get this planned visit over with, then when planning the next get together, i wouldn't agree to any plan that isn't him coming at LEAST half way, if not fully, to you. And from there, alternate who is the one travelling. That is of course if this hasn't already put you off him, as relationships with a distance are more difficult to maintain and grow. Ultimately it may be better to call time now a couple of months in before it gets more serious with stronger feelings.

Trust your instincts, OP.

Don't let the opinions on here blunt the initial impression you got.
You know him, know how he jokes and know the way he speaks when he is trying to put you down. You have noted the body language/facial expressions etc. And for some reason, that text triggered a negative feeling.

Even if he was joking, then this doesn't work for you. He isn't suddenly going to start joking in a way that leave feeling negatively.

Yeah the comments were obviously meant as a joke and I’m sorry, but I do think you’re being over sensitive and quite intense.

You’ve done all the travelling so far but he’s arranged the dates and paid for everything, plus offered to cover your costs. I’d say that’s pretty balanced? If you want him to come to yours then organise something near you.

Also, why are you always telling him how much you appreciate him? Surely just a thanks for dinner or organising x this weekend would be enough. It’s all a bit over the top and formal from your end and perhaps you’re just not suited. Neither of you is in the wrong but you know yourself if you’ve gone off someone so, if you have, cut him loose and on to the next. Maybe try and chill out a bit, though.

Dont do it, i wasted 4 years on someone travelling to him because he made no effort. I finished it in the end feeling resentnent at the one sidedness of it all

When my now dh was interested in me, he got in the car to see me, a 3 hour drive… I wasn’t living in the uk at the time but returned shortly thereafter. He came with me so moved countries to be with me.

Edit - I meant to add, I agree with this.

Is she though? He's arranged sonething for next weekend and is shouldering the expense. And offers to pay OPs trainfare. Perhaps theres more to do where he lives.

You might be doing all the travelling, but it sounds like he’s organising all your dates. Why don’t you organise a date close to your place, so it makes sense for him to come to you?

Cancel plans near him and make some near you. Be more assertive: don't get caught up in another abusive relationship. Start testing him now. Put your needs first don't fall in line with him. Only then will you know his true self.

1. If he's anything like me, then the "nice and going to the shop" comment would have been feeling need to be open and not claim brownie points if I'd had to walk there anyway.

2. As for who makes the effort, he is making effort to come up with ideas for dates and arrange them and isn't his paying maybe acknowledgement that you are travelling?

3. How long is the journey usually anyway? If you said, I've missed it but people are maybe answering based on very long journey as that's the only number given.

4. I haven't read whole thread but read enough to see a ton of speculation and you feeling turned off and unsure based mostly on one comment.

Which simply leaves me wondering what stopped you calling, right then (or once you could), and saying you weren't sure how to read that, and may misread while miserable on the train so you wanted to check. But ask in a NOT loaded way.

5. Surely if you are at the sleeping together stage you should be able to ask what was meant by a comment?

I don't understand why you are just guessing, this could have been cleared up at the time or soon after, before your mind started building it into something.

(I am surprised that I got as far down the thread as I did without anyone saying that).

You need to put on your big girl pants in order to:
1 Stop needing validation of unnecessary feelings. All that happened was a shitty train journey. Welcome to sunday on public transprt. Did you want violins and a rending of garments from him?

1. Get a partner who would be willing to travel to you. He is having his cake, eating it and spitting out the crumbs. Sex and fun bought to him by train, he does not move, you do it all.

I would see how you feel after this weekends date. I would also have spoken to him about the comment and said you weren't sure how to take it as another poster has said.

Text is fine - until you have to convey feelings, tone etc. Then things often get misconstrued

Your point 2 is unfair on him imo. He does make effort just not the commute, and we don't know how long the commute usually is anyway.

The guy is being analysed and in some quarters, found wanting, when just asking him how he meant it could have resolved it. It seems OP was quite happy with the situation until that train journey.

ETA @Sad0tter another reason it would have been better to ask is, if he only meant it in banter or hint to move in way, he could now be feeling you've gone cold on him and worrying about why.

It would be more awkward for him to ask if there's a problem because you could just be busy and he may worry about looking needy, than it would have been for you to ask what he meant by one comment at the time.

Everything you've said just makes me think he's joking and you don't quite get his sense of humour.

It's exactly the kind of thing DH and I would say to each other - and did at the beginning of our relationship when he did all the travelling as I was still learning to drive.

But if you don't feel like it's right for you then that's totally okay.

I’d read his response as flirting if it was someone I was seeing. If you take it negatively, maybe just break it off…

Given this and the other comments he made, he sounds self centred.

In a relationship where travelling is involved it should always be equal, is my opinion. Or you get one person doing all the running and the other gets complacent .

As a pp said, I’d see how you feel after this weekends date.

But here she is doing all the travelling and not because one party has a car and the other is learning to drive.

Just in response to those saying I’ve had a sense of humour fail - it isn’t because I’m too ‘intense’ and can’t take a joke. We do usually have a playful repartee with one another and it would make sense that that was a joke from his perspective.

but equally you have to read the room. He also booked the tickets, realised before me that the journey would be longer and didn’t then double check that was still ok. He just assumed I would still come. So in that context, the ‘joke’ kind of fell flat and it would have been appropriate to just reiterate the extra effort on my part was appreciated.

I’m also conscious of ‘jokes’ sometimes hinting at a general underlying feeling or attitude to things, and I am just wary of it as it can be a form of gaslighting. They use humour to essentially make you feel a bit shit and then turn it on you for ‘not being able to take a joke’. I appreciate I will be extra sensitive to that, so that’s why I was querying it.

the responses have been pretty polarised, so I don’t think it was unreasonable to feel a bit put out by it.

I'd feel a bit put out too. Banter and fun is good but you want someone who also can sympathise a bit and be kind when you've had a tough time.

@Sad0tter

It's not too late to ask.

If you feel you have been semi-ghosting him compared to usual pattern of contact then I'd start by apologising for that and acknowledging that you should have just asked him about it. I'd even admit if I felt a bit daft for not asking in the 1st place... to make it clear I hadn't already convicted him and wasn't already halfway to dumping, and to set a non-confrontational tone.

But NOT BY TEXT!!

Let him hear from your tone of voice that you realise it was probably not meant badly. And let his tone of voice reassure you too, assuming it does turn out to be the mountain from a molehill that it sounds like to some of us.

Obviously you can just break it off if you want to. But, if you dump every future potential guy the 1st time you aren't sure how to take a text, you will probably eventually miss a keeper by giving up at the 1st (tiny) communication hurdles.

ETA I just read your latest post... of course the results are polarised because none of us have any tone from him to go by. So some will judge him, be wary with you, based on their own experiences. Some others will from their own great experiences expect it to be nothing.

But whether you were unreasonable to feel a bit put out isn't the key point is it? I did click YABU but I don't think you were unreasonable to wonder about it. I clicked that to vote for it being unreasonable to write him off without just asking him.

Because isn't the thread really about what to do next? Not to vote on your feelings?

So he knew about the really long delays and booked ticket anyway…? That changes things, of course he should have checked you were still happy to go.
He needs to make an effort to visit you now for sure, I wouldn’t be going there again in a hurry, let him do the travelling

In fairness, I didn’t ask if I should dump him over this, I asked if I was being unreasonable thinking it was a bit of a shitty comment 😅

if it’s an indicator of a bigger problem in general then essentially I would just be paying very close attention to what happens in the next couple of weeks. I actually think it would be more intense to bring it up, because agreed, it might be nothing, but it also might be an indicator of how he’s not really that interested unless it’s all convenient for him.

there’s no point asking about that because he won’t actually admit to it if that’s his genuine feeling about the whole thing.