To think this was a pretty shitty comment?

[Sad0tter]

Travelled on Saturday to see a guy I’ve been seeing for a couple of months. We had a really nice weekend. But unfortunately engineering works on the trains which meant my journey home yesterday was 3.5 hours! The train was rammed and I had to sit on my suitcase in a freezing passageway.

he asked if I got on the train ok and I explained the situation and he basically just said ‘yeah that sounds horrible. Good luck!’ And then ‘if you will live so far away that’s just what you have to put up with!’

I just feel totally rubbish I made the effort to visit now. And basically he’s washed his hands of me and was no longer his concern. I’d just never say that to someone who had travelled all that way.

AIBU?

He definitely needs to come and visit you a few times now, just tell him to come. Sounds like you’re being quite passive waiting for his plans each time?

Hard to tell whether a bit of his banter fell flat when you were feeling tired and pissed off or whether your gut is trying to tell you something. Personally I found the insecure British man negging you gets old quickly.

I think it can't hurt to be honest. You can tell him after an exhausting trip home him telling you it was "your fault you live so far away" was a bit annoying when you always do all the bloody travelling! And that you feel a little less keen about meeting up this weekend as a result.

After this weekend I think every other visit he comes to you, and can experience the joys of engineering works on the journey home.

All the comments you have posted sound like he is joking, teasing you. You don’t seem to get his humour and so I don’t see it lasting.

Wow if I was to meet a guy & he commented that to me in a text I'd be fecking fuming, dump his arse & move on! It's extremely rude after the effort you put in to see him & he knew the distance between yous prior to meeting but you still made a huge effort to go see him. Cancellation of travel journeys cannot be avoided & are stressful enough as it is when that happens without an arse making shitty comments. I'd tell him to take a long walk of a shirt pier if I were you & move on to someone who treats you with respect & that he certainly didn't give you!

So it’s always been you travelling for hours to accommodate him - for a couple of months. How many times is that? 8 to 0?

This will be the third time I’ve travelled specially. Other times I was in his area anyway. And then another time he was about halfway between for a work thing.

Is it not a joke? And maybe a hint he wishes you were closer because he’d like to see more of you…

IMO you're over-reacting to a mildly thoughtless comment.

Also the thing he said about "because I'm nice but also because I need to go to the shop" could be ironic humour. Like, the joke is that he's arrogantly referring to himself as nice, then immediately contradicting it by saying something selfish.

I get it: I know people with humour like this. But it doesn't always work and some people take it badly.

ETA, I also think the train comment was a jokey chastising way of saying he really wants you to live nearer, because he really likes you.

Sounds like he was joking and thinks being stoic is how to approach life - nothing wrong with that. You wanted your feelings validated because you were upset - nothing wrong with that either. It comes down to different attitudes and mind sets.

Just talk to him about it calmly and see if you can get him to see your pov. If not, you're not going to gel anyway, different strokes for different folks.

And I agree that the living so far away comment was a bit of a hint to move closer - maybe.

Those saying it's just banter and his humour - OP's gut is telling her he is negging her and putting her down in little ways. When someone's humour is often turned against you it's not funny. There's no reason she should put up with it.

From my experience, 'stoics' are dull as dust and mostly masquerading. Gaurenteed when it's their misfortune, there's nothing stoic about them 😂

So he’s yet to make any effort at all to travel to you 🤨

This is exactly my take on it too. I actually thought the needing something from the shops was pretty funny.

OP, if it makes you feel unhappy then maybe he's not right for you. Neither of you is in the wrong.

I'm sure there are many nice earnest men out there for you. Personally, earnestness gives me the ick, but we're all different.

Buy him a train ticket so he can visit you

Definitely NOT negging. No question. Not negging.

Exactly. Different ways of dealing with things. Neither in the wrong.

Maybe. Guess we'll never know. My brother is stoic and brushes off all sorts of things for himself and others. But if you tell him you need him he's there in a heartbeat. Huge heart, very generous, just doesn’t need a hug or soft words for inconvenience and doesn’t consider offering it unless asked. Offers care for things he considers important.

We all do the same. I won't offer sympathy for a paper cut. Some will. After that it's just a matter of degree.

In this case, judging by information given, neither is in the wrong.

I didn’t like his comment about needing something from the shop. Urgh. It feels a bit pass agg- I thought the same as you, OP, that it’s a clumsy attempt to ‘not seem too keen!’ I wouldn’t like that either. If you’re a sensitive person you’ll be picking up on what’s beneath ‘jokes’ and banter- trust your instinct.

i don’t think I’d bin him off at this stage, but I’d definitely suggest him coming to visit me and using that as the litmus test.

Yeah I thought it was funny too.

There's a very good chance that there's no hidden meaning to his words. OP just doesn't gel with his style of humour. Perhaps it's a little bit harsh for her.

Hmm, I'm not sure I'd be particularly offended. He's no smooth talker but I don't think it's nasty. The bit about where you live though....you said you always visit him. Why? If it's because eg you live with parents or house share, or perhaps you live in a drab/isolated place and he lives in a vibrant city then its more practical to come to him. Presumably he doesn't charge you for utilities etc when you stay over so in a way if you did have a 'less desirable home' and presumably don't drive, then tedious train travel will be part of your life.
If this is your only concern I'd let it go. If it's part of a pattern and you don't feel 'special' you should leave. You're not in the same place

Hmm couple of small things. Like when I was leaving his he said ‘I’ll walk with you to the station, because I’m nice, but also because I need something from the shop’

Even if it's an attempt at humour, even if he's joking, each of the two examples you've given involve him not exactly putting you down but somehow telling you not to think you're too important to him, just having little digs. For me that sort of 'humour' would get very wearing very quickly.

I think before you give up on him you need a cards on the table discussion. Normally I'd say after only a couple of months is too soon for that kind of talk* but you need to find out where you stand before you invest any more energy in him.

(*On the other hand, really that kind of talk shouldn't be needed after only two months if the relationship is going to go anywhere because you should both be in the infatuated stage.)

I think you're not. Traveling is tiring. You're doing all of it. If he won't put in the effort to visit you, and makes snide remarks about the time you spend to get to/from his place, it suggests he either doesn't think that much of you, doesn't respect your time enough to be willing to share equally in the time expenditure to develop the relationship, or both.

It sounds as though you don’t really get him. His silly jokes land on deaf ears. There are people who would find what he said hilarious. You - like me - are not one of them.

OP, I wouldn't think what he said was a joke. He sounds uncaring and seems to think a lot of himself. Plus the fact that he's allowing you to do all the travelling! Get rid.

Him planning dates means they’re always near him and you end travelling though.

you plan some dates and see how often he’s willing to travel to you.