I’ll start with a little background, DS is 17, Y12. 6 years ago my husband passed away, it was sudden and DS and I were understandably devastated. It has been a long process of healing and really we will never fully heal, he was an incredible loving man and our life will always be worse off for not having him.
About a year after he passed we sent to a group for children who had lost a parent, all the kids were around 9-14 and well DS hated it!! We persisted with going for about a year and I met a dad who had a daughter who was little older than DS. Neither of them were really responding to the group, but for opposite reasons. DS was very much the world is awful and baking cakes with other kids like me won’t make that better. This man’s DD was very much the opposite, in she just said she was fine and didn’t feel the need to go.
We both stopped attending but kept in close touch, occasionally meeting for coffee as it was so lovely having someone who understood. I don’t drive so he had taken DS and I down to Manchester to go shopping a few times, he and DS went off together and I went with his daughter etc.
About June last year the nature of our relationship changed and we began dating. I approached it tactfully with DS and he seemed ok with it. We don’t live super close so initially we would just spend Sundays together. We both work 4 days so after a few months it progressed to all day Sunday and most of Monday together. We alternate who’s house we stay at. Over Christmas we spent a little more time together and took the kids out for a meal and bowling, did similar in October half term. In the holidays we always stayed at mine, DS and his DD are a little over a month apart in age but she is Y13 and DS Y12. She is more independent and doesn’t seem to mind her dad being gone for a few days. DS would have struggled.
Skip a head to yesterday, we were staying at my house this weekend and yesterday afternoon DS expressed he wasn’t well and asked if my partner could leave. Total non-issue he left no fuss. DS has seemed out of sorts but not really ill as such. Today he decided to stay off school too.
This morning he told me he doesn’t like my “boyfriend” staying the night. He told me the reasons are that he still views this as his family home as in his dad, him and I. He said it made him uncomfortable. I asked if he would prefer I went to his every Sunday night and he said not really, he doesn’t like being home alone much. He told me he doesn’t like that things have changed. He hasn’t outright said he wants me to end the relationship but it’s clear he doesn’t want me to be with this man around him and he’s my son so that makes it very difficult!!
I’m now thinking I need to end the relationship which is actually really upsetting; I do love him (although this is a relatively new feeling and of course I love my son more). I’ve found opening myself up to someone new really difficult and we have so much in common and he is a genuinely good lovely man. I tried so hard to approach this gently with DS, didn’t force him to do anything, didn’t rush in etc.
Partially thinking I need to wait until DS has moved out, he doesn’t plan to go to uni, but wants an apprenticeship which is local, so he would be at home for a bit longer then and I worry that if I got into a relationship just as he moved out he’d feel pushed away.
I’m feeling a little conflicted as while DS is my priority, I’ve really enjoyed this relationship and worry If not now - when?
I know realistically I just have to end things, DS comes first, but AIBU to be wondering if there is a way around this, that allows me to prioritise DS and have a life of my own?