DS not happy - I have to end the relationship don’t I

[GeoRicks]

I’ll start with a little background, DS is 17, Y12. 6 years ago my husband passed away, it was sudden and DS and I were understandably devastated. It has been a long process of healing and really we will never fully heal, he was an incredible loving man and our life will always be worse off for not having him.
About a year after he passed we sent to a group for children who had lost a parent, all the kids were around 9-14 and well DS hated it!! We persisted with going for about a year and I met a dad who had a daughter who was little older than DS. Neither of them were really responding to the group, but for opposite reasons. DS was very much the world is awful and baking cakes with other kids like me won’t make that better. This man’s DD was very much the opposite, in she just said she was fine and didn’t feel the need to go.
We both stopped attending but kept in close touch, occasionally meeting for coffee as it was so lovely having someone who understood. I don’t drive so he had taken DS and I down to Manchester to go shopping a few times, he and DS went off together and I went with his daughter etc.
About June last year the nature of our relationship changed and we began dating. I approached it tactfully with DS and he seemed ok with it. We don’t live super close so initially we would just spend Sundays together. We both work 4 days so after a few months it progressed to all day Sunday and most of Monday together. We alternate who’s house we stay at. Over Christmas we spent a little more time together and took the kids out for a meal and bowling, did similar in October half term. In the holidays we always stayed at mine, DS and his DD are a little over a month apart in age but she is Y13 and DS Y12. She is more independent and doesn’t seem to mind her dad being gone for a few days. DS would have struggled.

Skip a head to yesterday, we were staying at my house this weekend and yesterday afternoon DS expressed he wasn’t well and asked if my partner could leave. Total non-issue he left no fuss. DS has seemed out of sorts but not really ill as such. Today he decided to stay off school too.
This morning he told me he doesn’t like my “boyfriend” staying the night. He told me the reasons are that he still views this as his family home as in his dad, him and I. He said it made him uncomfortable. I asked if he would prefer I went to his every Sunday night and he said not really, he doesn’t like being home alone much. He told me he doesn’t like that things have changed. He hasn’t outright said he wants me to end the relationship but it’s clear he doesn’t want me to be with this man around him and he’s my son so that makes it very difficult!!
I’m now thinking I need to end the relationship which is actually really upsetting; I do love him (although this is a relatively new feeling and of course I love my son more). I’ve found opening myself up to someone new really difficult and we have so much in common and he is a genuinely good lovely man. I tried so hard to approach this gently with DS, didn’t force him to do anything, didn’t rush in etc.
Partially thinking I need to wait until DS has moved out, he doesn’t plan to go to uni, but wants an apprenticeship which is local, so he would be at home for a bit longer then and I worry that if I got into a relationship just as he moved out he’d feel pushed away.
I’m feeling a little conflicted as while DS is my priority, I’ve really enjoyed this relationship and worry If not now - when?
I know realistically I just have to end things, DS comes first, but AIBU to be wondering if there is a way around this, that allows me to prioritise DS and have a life of my own?

No, I'm sorry that your son is hurting, but that doesn't mean he gets to dictate your life. No matter if he is 7, 17 or 37. I wouldn't be hiding the relationship or lying. He needs to understand the root of his discomfort and stress and deal with it like an adult and heal and move forward.

This doesn't mean that you don't love your husband or have forgotten him. This doesnt mean youre trying to replace him, Moving on doesn't mean that. Fair enough if having a new man in the house is too much for him at this time; for now compromise can be found on that front but do not end the relationship unless you want to for your reasons.

Definitely don't end it.

Your son is old enough to have a conversation with about these things.

Thank you everyone.

Does anyone have any advice on how I could make it work when DS doesn’t want him in the house but also doesn’t want to be home alone every week?
Just meeting in the day time?

Are there any other trusted adults in your son’s life? Someone who could take him out and have a chat with him. Listen to him, but gently help him understand that you have a life too?

Has anything ever happened that would make your DS dislike this man?

Your son is nearly an adult, and he'll be starting a life of his own soon. I definitely would NOT end a relationship, based on what you've told us. He's old enough to understand that while he may not like things (like being left alone for a day or two), it's just how it is. Your son doesn't have a problem with this particular man, it seems, but simply with the idea of you sharing your life with anyone other than his father. It's understandable, but he needs to realise that you deserve to pursue happiness in your life, so he'll have to be mature enough to accept that your happiness now doesn't take away from how much you loved his father.

I'd find a way to make this work.

I always advocate for child comes over a relationship, always. I was ready to say the same here, but in this instance, I don't think you should end it at all.

Can you talk to your son about the future

?eg "when do you think I should be allowed to be in another relationship "?

Perhaps he'll realise how selfish he's being. Or articulate exactly what he doesn't like.

Your son is 17, not 7, he will be probably moving on himself soon enough so does he really want/expect you to just grow old by yourself?

I think you need to sit down and have a honest chat with him, tell him gently how you feel and that you understand he misses his dad, you do too and that will never leave you but you wouldn't just replace him with anyone. At 17, he needs to understand that you aren't just his mummy, you're an adult in need of attention/companionship etc.

You deserve happiness and I would hope that your son can see this in time too. He is year 12, he will literally be off to work/uni I less than two years and I think you will regret ending what seems to be a positive relationship. Talk to him like the nearly grown up he is, you sound like a brilliant parent

I don't think you should end the relationship but I think you shouldn't be involving DS in it so deeply. He's on a different place in his journey than you and isn't ready for a new father-figure.

Find ways to spend time together without DS. Date casually, keep it light and less intense.

All teenagers find the idea of their parents having a sex life totally traumatic and icky, and that's when both parents are alive. With one parent dead and the other beginning to find a way to love again, it must be orders of magnitude worse. However it's not reasonable to let that response dictate that you must stay alone. Lovely though your DS is, you aren't going to be his top priority in 15-20 years time, it's ok for you to be building new relationships.

I don’t think you should end things, unless you want to for yourself. I totally understand that it is hard for your son, and he will never ‘get over’ (yes not the correct term) loosing his dad. But it has been 6 years and he is nearly an adult, you have a right to continue your life and be happy

No nothing. He’s a very inoffensive man, is friendly to DS but not pushy, such as he will say hi and chat if DS seems receptive but takes no offence if DS just says hi and walks away.

DS told my brother (a fair bit younger than me) that he had a crush on the DD, and thought it was “well weird” but I don’t see why that would make him like him less. I’ve never mentioned this to him though as it’s between him and my brother.

At 17 your son is more adult than child ( unless he has additional needs ) and surely he must realise you are a woman and not just a mother there for him only ?
What are his plans for the future ? Uni , an apprentice , college etc ?

Yes he might still not be ready to spread his wings and move out , but not should he feel you have to only be on this earth for him.

Go out , have weekends away with your partner and if he stays and your son doesn't like it , he can put up with it or go and spend the night at his mates .

I almost always side with the children in these cases as 'blended' arrangements are hardly ever what they would choose and almost always (only 'almost' always!) only for the benefit of the adults. But here I agree with others, you shouldn't end it at this point. There are some things that your DS should be beginning to consider, and I would be gently suggesting he have a think about, and either discuss with you, or with a therapist or even another trusted family member.

One of them is how he feels about home and what he feels is uncomfortable about another man being there. Another is that he is almost a grown up, and that he has his whole adult life ahead of him, he will meet people, fall in love, and probably choose to share his life with somebody. He will absolutely be spending less time with you over the coming years, and he is old enough to begin to think about what that looks like for you, and whether it is right or fair for him to say what you should and shouldn't do when he will begin to move away from the family home both physically and metaphorically. It's almost in his future best interest, to know that you are happy and cared for in ways other than what he can or is willing to provide. It is not only selfish, but rather short-sighted to say he isn't happy about it.

I would begin by asking him questions about what he would consider OK, and what he wouldn't, and why, and try and explore in a way that helps him see your perspective on it.

Just date your boyfriend separately to your kid. No more making your son hang out with you both/the mans kid. Fine that the man doesn’t sleepover at your house, but your son doesn’t get to dictate where you go.
You don’t need to discuss your dating life with your son, or involve him at all. This is a good thing.

(why are so many posters wittering on about university/the sons plans? It’s right there in the OP.)

Maybe just take a step back until DS is out of the house. Can you see each other at his house in the early afternoon/early evening Sunday or Monday and then come home?

I definitely wouldn't end it but I think having a strong relationship with your DS is important. He could be feeling like he is losing whatever family he had, he maybe needs more time to adjust. But your teen son should not call the shots on who you date. Taking his feelings into consideration could prevent their (and your) relationship becoming contentious.

Very much this op. It’s been six years. I do think, gently that your son needs to understand you are entitled to a life too now.

If he was 7 maybe, but he's 17, it was six years ago and I wouldn't give it up either. I'd be sympathetic but his wants don't trump yours.
How long will he play this card?
I would continue the relationship and not keep him at bay because DS 'doesn't want him in the house'. That's unfortunate. He doesn't get to make that decision.

In your position, I think I would present your son with an either/or...

Either your partner comes and stays, or you go and stay there.

Your son should not be dictating how you spend your time/where you go.

I can understand him not wanting your boyfriend to stay at your shared house, but he should not then be allowed to demand you stay at home and not go and stay at your partner's house.

He's 17. Very nearly an adult. Not 7.

DS doesn’t want things to change but they are changing and will continue to change. You need to help him understand that. Explain that you are going to keep seeing this man, and that he will sometimes be staying at your house. Is there anything in particular which is bothering him that could be changed? What if he came for less time on the Sunday but all day Monday? Would DS like to do things with the two of you or prefer to be left alone?

Yes, he’s your son and you love him. In this case that means helping him to deal with change, not letting him put a stop to this relationship.

I was ready to immediately say yes after reading the title. But I was expecting a small child, or a child who was clashing with your partner. But it’s neither. Your ds is months away from being a grown man, it’s been 6 years since his dad’s death, and you’re already approaching this very sensitively. He doesn’t have to like all of your decisions in life, and he doesn’t have to have his way all of the time. I probably wouldn’t continue with the overnights at yours for now. But I certainly wouldn’t end the relationship. And would still spend the occasional night at your parters. Your son is not a baby anymore and can spend the night away from his mum. Would he be just as upset if you were visiting a friend or spending a weekend away? Also I just wanted to mention that my boss and good friend was in your position once, and she ended her relationship for her son. She is mid forties now and he’s in his 20’s and she’s still ‘not allowed to date’. She has nothing outside her work and her dog. She tells everyone ‘oh he’s just protective of me’ while we’re all thinking he’s a controlling little weirdo

You say he’s not going to university. The problem with that is he might not want to move out for a long time.

He may be selfish, but he doesn’t sound like he’s particularly mentally well tbh. The two can go hand in hand easily enough, but while you can reasonably expect someone to ‘suck it up’ if they’re mentally robust, you can’t necessarily expect the same thing from someone unwell.

What you should do in principle may be different to what you are able to do in practice. All decisions have repercussions that are worth consideration.

Could something have happened between your DS & his DD that would make your DS feel awkward?

I'm thinking along the lines of your DS mentioning his crush to the DD & now feeling embarrassed if its not reciprocated? Your DS might then want to just remove possibility that either of you parents would find out by splitting you up.

Extreme, but teens will often to anything to avoid embarrassment/awkwardness as they can lack the emotional maturity to deal with it.